Sunday, 10 January 2010
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Conflict: Should I Forgive and Forget?
I had two friends with whom I was very close; let's call them Caitlin and Amy. They were twin sisters, and had one older sister named Rebecca. I was pretty close with them during high school, but I was always closer to Caitlin than with Amy. I told Caitlin absolutely everything about me -- she was truly my best friend.
You should know that I have depression, and I'm a cutter. Caitlin had been trying for a long time to get me to go to counseling, but I was too scared about going to a total stranger and telling them all my problems. Though I didn't see it at the time, I was very needy and insecure, and I depended on Caitlin to fulfill that.
During her senior year in college, we were instant messaging, and her ex-boyfriend called her. Normally I wouldn’t mind, except that I’d tried to call her different times throughout the year, and she’d told me that she’d been really busy. I believed her, because I have other friends in college that have absolutely crazy schedules. But the year before, when we were chatting on the phone, she told me that sometimes she ignored my phone calls. Obviously that hurt, so I emailed and asked her why. She replied and said she ignored everyone’s phone calls sometimes, even if it was her parents calling, simply because she was so busy. I felt better after that, but looking back, I’m wondering why she didn’t ignore her ex-boyfriend when he called? Maybe I’m being selfish, but I felt like we were finally getting time together, her and I, even if it was via AIM, and then she had to go and answer a phone call by her ex!She and her ex-boyfriend talked for around 45 minutes; I got suspicious, and started getting all annoyed and asked "Can we talk for at least 5 minutes?" even though it was 3 in the morning at the time. She said she needed to go to bed. Well, the next morning, I decided to call her, and she didn't reply. The next few days I called, emailed, and texted her, and no reply. I knew she was ignoring me. I finally got hold of her at college, and she said the reason she didn’t tell me what was going on was because she wanted me to be mad enough at her to shut her out of my life. She also said she was going to quit communicating with me "for a while" (though this March it'll have been 2 years), because I need to learn to be happy without her (which I do). But she, both her sisters, and even her parents, aren't speaking to me now, and she totally went back on her word to take me to counseling. She told me she was going to that summer, and she didn't. So I am still struggling with depression. She told me once that we should both be honest with each other, yet when I was calling, emailing, and texting, she wasn't replying and letting me know why she wasn't speaking to me. I don't consider that to be honest. And she basically made up excuses for her behavior, instead of apologizing and making up.
She has been sending me mixed signals though. For example, she has messaged me on Facebook twice (once to compliment me on a haircut, and another to say thanks when I decided to get brave and wish her a happy birthday), and called me one of her special nicknames, but when I sent a friend request, it still says, "awaiting friend confirmation." And I know she's been on a computer because on her sister's Facebook account, she wrote on her wall. I think she's just ignoring my request. But then why is she sending me messages?I am a born-again Christian, and so are she and her family. I understand I was wrong to depend on her for my happiness, but I feel like she did wrong too by not being upfront with me, and for going back on her word.
I am confused. No one knows her like I do, and we had some AWESOME times in the past. Sometimes, I think I could easily forgive her and start over, while other times, I think I deserve better; someone who will be truly honest with me. So I struggle with debating if I want her friendship back or not, especially when I don’t trust her.
What do you think? If for some reason she opens her eyes and was truly sorry and repentant, should I take her back? Or should I simply accept her apology but keep her out of my life? I feel like a modern-day Joseph. Remember how his brothers sold him into slavery in Egypt? Yet Joseph was able to forgive them and let them back in his life when he saw they were truly sorry. What about me and Caitlin? If one day, should she be truly sorry and repentant, should I let her in my life? I miss our old fun times, but I also want to protect my heart.
What do you think? Should I let bygones be bygones, or am I holding a grudge if I don't trust her right away? Do you think she did the right thing? Or do you believe she was just as wrong?
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Comments (18)
I think you're worrying about this way too much.
I think you probably need to just accept that the friendship is over. You're the only one making any effort. Anyone can say you have a nice haircut or "thanks for wishing me happy birthday". There are better friends out there - I swear!
Selfishness doesn't ever work.
Let bygones be bygones.
Let the past be buried in the past. Give way to a new sprout.
This post is kind of obsessive. You yourself said "dependent and needy and insecure."
"I got suspicious, and started getting all annoyed and asked "Can we
talk for at least 5 minutes?" even though it was 3 in the morning at
the time. She said she needed to go to bed. Well, the next morning, I
decided to call her, and she didn't reply. The next few days I called,
emailed, and texted her, and no reply. I knew she was ignoring me."
"No one knows her like I do"
...No offense, but you come off stalker-ish in this post. While I don't know all the stuff involved here, I would say the best approach on your end is to back off significantly. Don't hold a grudge but stop exerting so much effort into a friendship that it seems the other person isn't as interested in keeping. If she wants to be closer friends in the future, then go for it (if you still put value into the friendship). If she doesn't, then be able to accept it.
1. Saying "thanks" for a happy birthday comment is not an attempt to engage in conversation. The hair compliment was probably just her saying "I'm alive." and not "Hey there good-lookin', I sure miss ya." Don't read into it too much. The messages are only mixed if you're convinced these comments meant more than what they did. And you can't know her true motivation. Don't let it haunt you.
2. She said she was ignoring you. She said she wanted you to get her out of your life. Her family no longer speaks to you. You've gotten the silent treatment for two years. It is time to stop chasing after her friendship and to walk away.
3. Perhaps she wronged you. Okay. Forgive (even if she never hears that forgiveness). Make sure you recognize if and how you wronged her too. It seems as though you've ignored her wishes of separation for some time now. That's disrespectful. You need to admit your faults, apologize (even if she never hears it) and move forward. The way you've worded the last few paragraphs you make yourself out to be a victim when the rest of the post paints you a bit differently.
4. If you want to find healing for depression and cutting seek counseling as was suggested by your friend. You can't look for a savior in anyone but Christ. Being dependent on another person is unhealthy. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run (I took counseling at one point as well. Everyone should). If you need support, find it in someone new. Don't be afraid to invest in other friends (or to make new ones). This friendship looks to be more than over.
5. You've tried to reconcile. It hasn't worked. It takes two. If she does, awesome. Forgive, forget, continue. If she doesn't, too bad. Forgive, forget, continue.
Blessings and peace be with you.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - I couldn't have said it better.
I had several friends like this in highschool. And I had a friend who is much like you describe yourself. Sometimes friends are only in our lives for one season, sometimes several, and then there are the rare life long friends. Sounds like its time for you to move on.
Ditto TheGreatBout.
That is a tough situations... I don't think shutting her out of your life totally is an option because as fellow members of the body of Christ, ignoring her would inadvertently communicate that Christ did not achieve reconciliation between people and people and between people and God (the book of Ephesians). At the same time, what you had with her is a level of trust that goes far beyond the fact of being one in Christ, and I think that degree of closeness is something that you're not obligated to return to, though you certainly are free to if you want.
I am 76 and rejection still hurts. I was more of an ice cold person so when someone dumped me I just moved on. I know you are not built that way. I am sure Jesus wants you to forgive her, but I think the hard part will just be walking away and not pursuing it. I had a few friends in my life--very few, but I had one friend that lasted a life time. People really do not have many really, true, close friends. That seems to be the case here with 'your friend.' I say forgive and and move on. If she shows up on her own someday, I say take a chance. I have no friends now, and it is my fault. Friends really are a lot of trouble if you are like me. I want to be heard, I wan cooperation, and if I get ignored, I quit.
Life with friends is messy. I wish you well. Nice to hear you love Jesus. I have known some cutters. You will really need a very experienced counselor. Your ailment is correctable, but it takes someone really qualified.
FRANK
i'm gonna be honest here and say i totally understand her and i think your friend deserves MADD props for even bothering to tell you the truth of her feelings. you got too clingy and needy and seriously, i really don't see what wrong she did to you... maybe you should try to put yourself in her shoes. her clingy friend was asking for too much and she decided to cut that friend off. be thankful that she actually took the time to tell you. you're at fault here. you should ask for her forgiveness.
yeah... flame away... cuz you compared yourself to joseph but the truth of the matter is, you were self-centered and paid no attention to what she was trying to tell you.
get help with that depression. i wish you well.
p.s. TheGreatBout@xanga said it better. take his word for it.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - I totally agree with your advice. :) I was going to make a comment myself, but realized after reading yours that it would be more or less the same exact thing. So, I just wanted to say that I agree with you. :p
Good luck to the OP, as well.
Yes! You should forgive and forget...It is not healthy to hold a grudge! I am going though stuff too..I do forgive and forget! You know who you are! :)
You can't really shut her out of your life, though you can if you want to. However, in moving forward you can still keep those great memories with her. Nobody knows that maybe one day she'll come knocking on your door in the middle of the night needing you to be there for her because something had gone wrong with her. Maybe that time she'll come to realize that you genuinely still cared for her.
Life in its fullness has its many twists and turns. Along the way in our journey, God placed all kinds of people (at times, we think that this is...he/she is the one (whatever that "the one" is)) that helps us grow and learn from each other to get to where we should be or to where God wants us to be. True friendship has no timeline just like pure love is not conditional.
I would like to point out too when she said that she wants you to "not be dependent" on her all the time. I don't think she's pushing you away because I think she is actually helping you become a stronger and independent person. It doesn't necessarily means that she wants you out of her life instead she is letting you go so that you can explore about yourself and the other people. In the end, nobody can tell us what to do except we MUST make a decision in our lives. We are responsible in our own individual lives. It's a growing up pain but it's worth it when you can really discover your strength and weaknesses. All in all, its all about God that we need the most in our lives. Hope this make sense =). God bless you.
So I'm going to reply to this because I am speaking from 'Caitin's
point of view.' Recently I've started to develop a friendship with a
girl at my school who is very similar to you - she was suffering
depression and is also a cutter. She has frequent panic attacks and she
doesn't like to talk to anyone, esp her parents and family, about her
problems, and bottles them up only to have them burst out in her panic
attacks where all she wants is people to be there with her constantly.
When she found out I was willing to be compassionate with her, she
clung onto me and constantly IMed me/texted me/emailed me/any form of communication possible to contact me 24/7.
"Though I didn't see it at the time, I was very needy and insecure, and I depended on Caitlin to fulfill that."
So while I do agree that it's not right for your friend 'Caitlin' to be lying to you, I do empathize with where she is coming from. Speaking as someone who has gone through depression issues and has thought about cutting and has avoided it, I can tell you that constantly depending on your friend to fulfill your emptiness is not going to strengthen your relationship, it will probably worsen it. Chances are, she is starting to feel burned out from investing energy into you, and will feel even more guilty if she can't help you. It's most likely that she does care about you, but she can't mentally handle what you are asking her to do for you. And to be honest, the frequent attempts to contact her are probably making her more unwilling to put herself on the line for you, because she may constantly feel that you are constantly nagging her and asking for attention, even if you may think that you are giving her 'enough time' alone. Her family may have seen the effects that you have had on her and perhaps through counseling herself she was advised to distance herself from you. This is all very possible.
It's a very precarious situation. If you are not seeking professional help, I would strongly counsel you to still seek for professional help. I mean, even if she can't bring you there... you need to be able to do this on your own and work on your own wounds before you heal your broken relationships with your friends. Because if you can't heal your problem, you may not realize how much of a burden you are bringing to her life by (perhaps unintentionally) bearing the guilt on her shoulders. She doesn't want to see you hurt but she also recognizes that she is not the answer to your problem. She cannot be the person you depend on turn to all the time. You need to seek for that strength on your own, and from Jesus.
I hope this wasn't too harsh. but i hope this helps you put things in perspective. I'm going to share this verse with you, and I will be praying for you.
Matt 7:3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
its hard to know what to do when you feel alone, and even harder when you feel the person you trust most has let you down. i think that you need to find away to meet new people. you cant live your life through someone else. and you cant rely on other people to make you happy. the first thing you need to do is start liking your self and change the way you view you life. find an intrest or hobbie. this will not only give you a well deserved break but will give people a chance to get to know you better. you need to show this girl that your trying to sort your life out and that you realise she cant save you from your self. you need to do that for your self. in time you may be able to renew your friendship but for now forget about her and think about your own needs. talking to some one is a step you need to take but if you feel your not ready to do that keep a journel and tell it how you feel. but also make a entry of the good things that have happened that day and try to focus on a more positive attitude. you clearly have issues but dont say what they are. try not to be angry at your friend because maybe she is finding it too hard to watch you hurting yourself and thinks you might be more likly to ask for help with out her. but its important for you to let go because your only hurting yourself trying to figure things out. you say your a christian. maybe you could take on a more active role in the church or volunteer to do some charity work. remember every journy begins with a single step. i believe god puts us on earth for a reason, that reason may not always be clear. and its hard to watch other people who have found there way when wee have not but you matter to gods plan and your role will become clear. have faith