Sunday, 10 January 2010
I had two friends with whom I was very close; let's call them Caitlin and Amy. They were twin sisters, and had one older sister named Rebecca. I was pretty close with them during high school, but I was always closer to Caitlin than with Amy. I told Caitlin absolutely everything about me -- she was truly my best friend.
You should know that I have depression, and I'm a cutter. Caitlin had been trying for a long time to get me to go to counseling, but I was too scared about going to a total stranger and telling them all my problems. Though I didn't see it at the time, I was very needy and insecure, and I depended on Caitlin to fulfill that.
During her senior year in college, we were instant messaging, and her ex-boyfriend called her. Normally I wouldn’t mind, except that I’d tried to call her different times throughout the year, and she’d told me that she’d been really busy. I believed her, because I have other friends in college that have absolutely crazy schedules. But the year before, when we were chatting on the phone, she told me that sometimes she ignored my phone calls. Obviously that hurt, so I emailed and asked her why. She replied and said she ignored everyone’s phone calls sometimes, even if it was her parents calling, simply because she was so busy. I felt better after that, but looking back, I’m wondering why she didn’t ignore her ex-boyfriend when he called? Maybe I’m being selfish, but I felt like we were finally getting time together, her and I, even if it was via AIM, and then she had to go and answer a phone call by her ex!
She and her ex-boyfriend talked for around 45 minutes; I got suspicious, and started getting all annoyed and asked "Can we talk for at least 5 minutes?" even though it was 3 in the morning at the time. She said she needed to go to bed. Well, the next morning, I decided to call her, and she didn't reply. The next few days I called, emailed, and texted her, and no reply. I knew she was ignoring me. I finally got hold of her at college, and she said the reason she didn’t tell me what was going on was because she wanted me to be mad enough at her to shut her out of my life. She also said she was going to quit communicating with me "for a while" (though this March it'll have been 2 years), because I need to learn to be happy without her (which I do). But she, both her sisters, and even her parents, aren't speaking to me now, and she totally went back on her word to take me to counseling. She told me she was going to that summer, and she didn't. So I am still struggling with depression. She told me once that we should both be honest with each other, yet when I was calling, emailing, and texting, she wasn't replying and letting me know why she wasn't speaking to me. I don't consider that to be honest. And she basically made up excuses for her behavior, instead of apologizing and making up.
She has been sending me mixed signals though. For example, she has messaged me on Facebook twice (once to compliment me on a haircut, and another to say thanks when I decided to get brave and wish her a happy birthday), and called me one of her special nicknames, but when I sent a friend request, it still says, "awaiting friend confirmation." And I know she's been on a computer because on her sister's Facebook account, she wrote on her wall. I think she's just ignoring my request. But then why is she sending me messages?
I am a born-again Christian, and so are she and her family. I understand I was wrong to depend on her for my happiness, but I feel like she did wrong too by not being upfront with me, and for going back on her word.
I am confused. No one knows her like I do, and we had some AWESOME times in the past. Sometimes, I think I could easily forgive her and start over, while other times, I think I deserve better; someone who will be truly honest with me. So I struggle with debating if I want her friendship back or not, especially when I don’t trust her.
What do you think? If for some reason she opens her eyes and was truly sorry and repentant, should I take her back? Or should I simply accept her apology but keep her out of my life? I feel like a modern-day Joseph. Remember how his brothers sold him into slavery in Egypt? Yet Joseph was able to forgive them and let them back in his life when he saw they were truly sorry. What about me and Caitlin? If one day, should she be truly sorry and repentant, should I let her in my life? I miss our old fun times, but I also want to protect my heart.
What do you think? Should I let bygones be bygones, or am I holding a grudge if I don't trust her right away? Do you think she did the right thing? Or do you believe she was just as wrong?