Tuesday, 29 December 2009
"If God kills, lies, cheats, discriminates, and otherwise behaves in a manner that puts the Mafia to shame, that's okay, he's God. He can do whatever he wants. Anyone who adheres to this philosophy has had his sense of morality, decency, justice and humaneness warped beyond recognition by the very book that is supposedly preaching the opposite."
A couple days ago, I was trying to remember exactly when the moment was I stopped believing in god. I don't know if it was the time i realized Santa and the Easter bunny weren't real, as I've heard many people before explain, or some other monumental life changing moment that just doesn't seem too relevant anymore.
All I know is I remember going to CCD (I was raised Roman Catholic) at my church St. Thomas since first grade until eighth grade. I remember going to mass once in awhile, and just sitting there trying to make myself believe, but I never really did.
It was kind of like a big lie; I felt like everyone was just pretending to believe. It was almost like a giant surprise party every Sunday, where I felt like sooner or later, everyone was going to jump out and be like "Just kidding, we don't believe in god! This is all fake!"
Its not like I always felt like that either. I mean, sure, I was always bored in church until about third grade. I would literally be the kid who would fall asleep mid-sermon on Sundays on either my sister's or mom's lap. Before first grade, I would just be the small child screaming and crying until my parents just finally decided to stop taking me.
But then again, I do remember one of the only times I actually had a good feeling of spirituality. I was in third grade and it was after my first communion.
I actually felt like god was coursing through me like blood. But honestly, I always had my dad say, "As long as you live under my roof, you're Roman Catholic," so it really could have just been my little third grade self excited about finally doing something he would be proud of me for.
After then though, I got older and it all just seemed like everyone around me really believed, when I just kind of sat there; the lone nonbeliever, looking for something to do while these people prayed to their "god" for an hour.
I would search for my friends, peaking around random praying bodies, and pretend I had to go to the bathroom three or four times a mass out of sheer boredom. I also remember tracing the patterns on the front of church books to waste time.
So, I don't know. I've always been a lot more interested in the concepts of different religions, as far as their beliefs and rituals go and as far as a society goes, because I'm interested in people and why they do the things they do. Otherwise, I believe Marcus Aurelius said it best:
"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories o your loved ones. I am not afraid."
Why do you believe in god? Or why don't you?