I don't know if I believe in God anymore and I'm okay with it.
Recently, I mentioned my disbelief on Facebook and a woman from my church at home said the following:
"Are you serious? What does that even mean? I thought you were going to a Christian college."My former pastor said something similar as he was attacking me and kicking me out of church over the summer. I guess I can see how it would be shocking that a student at a Christian college would question the existence of God (A student at the school actually told me that "people like me" shouldn't even go here.), but I've seen it happen to almost every single one of my friends at one point or another. I used to get really upset when any of my friends were questioning their beliefs. I thought it was sin to doubt God and spent a lot of time praying that they would stop questioning. The best part: ever since bible college, I've had this deep feeling of doubt that I kept hidden from everyone I ever talked to about God.
I had to take a class at
Central called Theology of Christian Living. In one of the books for the class, the author started each chapter with a quote. One of the chapters began with a quote that said something along the lines of, "Deep in their hearts, every Christian thinks their beliefs are a lie." I didn't tell anyone at the time, but that quote hit home. I've slowly begun accepting the fact that I don't know if I fully believe in God since then.
I've been reading David Dark's
The Sacredness of Questioning Everything. A few issues ago, Relevant Magazine published one of his articles about how, when you get down to it, everyone is an agnostic. Even the most devoted Christian doesn't know 100% for sure that their beliefs are true. No one can know "without a shadow of a doubt" that God exists and they're 'saved' until they die. I read this article at the highest point of my agnosticism.
Right after reading this article, I had a discussion with
a good friend about how I was feeling about God, church, and religion in general. I told him I didn't know if I believed in God. He asked which God did I not believe in. I don't know if I ever told him, but that changed my perspective on this whole "soul search."
A lot of people have told me that it's not okay to ever doubt God. I don't buy this. There are so many places in scripture where the writer is having doubts. The psalms are full of references to "God, why are you forsaking me? Where are you?" I see doubt as a very natural response the human mind has to the infinite. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why people consider it to be such a bad thing. Somewhere or another (it's been a long time since I've read the bible), God states that we have to seek him in order to find him. As far as I know, seeking doesn't involve passively saying "Okay, I believe because I'm supposed to," but involves painstakingly searching for something. I can't recall anywhere in scripture where blind faith is an ideal. Faith takes some sort of evidence, even if just a little. I have faith my money will still be in the bank tomorrow because I've never had an issue with it not being there before.
I wish I had the faith some people do. I wish my mind worked in a way that I could accept things and not have to analyze and analyze and analyze, but that's not how I was made. I resonate fully with the man who exclaims in Mark 9:24, "Help me overcome my unbelief!"
I don't know if I believe in God anymore, but if Christianity is correct, after all this searching I've been doing, I'm heading for a pretty hard collision with him soon. (I just hope it doesn't involve having to like Hillsong.)
Have you ever gone through a period of significant doubt? What was the outcome? What encouragement do you have for others who are in doubt?
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Comments (41)
Very well said. Whatever your beliefs are, doubt is an essential part of a healthy intellectual life.
I'm a big believer in the idea that you can never know you're right. You've just got to grab your truth and hold on tight.
Perhaps I am alone in this, but I see within the Christian tradition room for emptiness of faith, lack of faith, rejection of faith. I think it's possible to be an atheist-believer or a reverent agnostic. Those probably aren't the best places to find yourself, but I think there's room there for exploration. Additionally, I think there is a lot of contemplative room within a theology of the cross, to explore what a godforsaken god might mean for our own godforsaken times.
I honestly have little patience for Christians who can't understand this, and who say things like, "people like you don't belong here." I went to a Christian college, and there were times when Buddhism seemed very appealing to me. I am glad now that I found a handful of close friends who were able to stand with me without regard to my faithful adherence to Christian doctrine. Non-, semi- and anti-Christian friends saved me in many ways.
"I believe; help my unbelief" is a wonderful prayer. I am also fond of "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me," as well as "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones thou hast broken rejoice."
(I hope you don't mind that I just copy and paste my comment from the original post.)
I recently came out of a several year long battle with doubt.
I, like you, went on a search for truth though and I've been lifted out. I'd been lifted out of the general disbelief that He's even there at all, but I was still doubting that He works in people's lives and that He's good, merciful, etc. However, I've seen God work in really amazing ways recently. I think though, you probably have to experience these things for yourself. After I'd come out of the existence doubt phase, I joined a group of amazing beleivers. These people were way more real than any I'd ever experienced before. God, through them really have led me to where I am today. I first witnessed a lot of cool "God-stuff". He was working in their lives and it was really cool to watch, but at the same time I was still a little doubtful of all of this. I began searching and just praying, asking God "is this REALLY real? Are they making things up or is that really you?". I got my answer one night and it was amazing. I was so in awe. God proved himself to me. I don't think I can really even explain it - though.
I encourage you to find a group of REAL, totally in love with God believers and non-judgemental ones (this is hard to find, I know - I got really lucky). Ones that encourage you in your walk and are there for you when you struggle...maybe ask God to help you find it (I know that's hard when you're not even sure where you stand with Him though...I've been there). Maybe ask Him to show Himself to you. Question Him. I believe He'll answer. However, your answer might not be as clear as mine was. *shrugs*
Good luck. I will pray for you though. I know how hard doubt can be. Also, doubting is not a sin, as you said. Don't think it for a moment. I beleive God wants us to question Him - so he can prove us wrong (haha!).
I'm human therefore I doubt. How stupendously stupid for anyone to say there can't be any doubt.
I think you are pretty brave to be stepping outside of the circle of what you know, and I support your effort, wherever it may lead. I think clarity comes through asking the difficult questions.
Do I doubt? Not a day goes by where in the same breath I can acknowledge that I am of the spirit AND of the earth without any doubt, and I thank God for this opportunity to tune my soul with what He may want for me, for us all. At the moment I do not ascribe to any one faith, and I have faith that IF THERE IS A GOD and IF I AM MADE IN HIS IMAGE then my God is a merciful God who will tolerate doubt and inquiry for the sake of clarity and growth.
I envy worms, sometimes. They are humble, simple creatures who can fulfill their entire purpose simply by eating and eliminating waste. The byproduct of worms feeds the nematodes, which fixes the nitrogen in the soil for the trees and plants to be able to digest in order to feed the plants, which in turn makes oxygen at the leaf level, which enables us to breathe and for water to exist, both of which are necessary for worms to function. All things in moderation according to their place in the circle.
I don't think worms doubt.
Doubt separates me from God, causes me pain and at the same time seems vital to my struggle to become a better human in my fullest capacity.
we all doubt. all of us. and it's completely hypocritical for anyone to tell you you're a sinner because of it. i doubt sometimes, but i always find God where i least expect Him. when my grades are failing and i've given up hope, He's right there. when my girlfriend is sick and the doctor's are doing the american thing to try and swindle all the money out of her that they can, He comes in and shows that he can do all things. never fear doubt, for doubt leads to even stronger faith in the end... IMO, anyway.
The existence of God is reasonable. So by applying reason to the problem of whether there is a God one may erase doubts. Doubts after all, arise by being confronted with something that doesn't make sense.
When one reads the Gospels, Jesus is so compelling that what he says calls out to be tested, to be made sense of. So in testing the Gospel in one's own life, one is also applying reason. But Jesus offers us faith which is far superior to reason because it is supernatural.
The way into the mansion of faith is through the doorway of reason.
I have doubted very seriously. I know for sure that God can handle your doubts, and He wants to have that collision with you. He's a great wall to run into. We don't have to wait for all of our doubts to go away in order to come to Him. Go ahead and run headfirst, doubts and all. He's a person, and He understands. I'll be praying for you.
In John 6, after Jesus taught about eating his flesh and drinking his blood, many disciples started to leave. Rather than try to convince them to stay, or tell them he was speaking figuratively, he challenged those closest to him.
"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
This passage has really helped me in times of doubt. Where else can I go? No other religion or philosophy provides me with the answers that Jesus does. If I cease to believe in Jesus, what do I replace that belief with? Nothing else seems to satisfy.
for me... it's not that I doubt in God's existance... but where I'm currently, it's that I doubt that God has anything for me here on earth... you could call it God's plan for me... that is what I do doubt... and in my POV, I really don't see a whole lot that's stirring me to believe that He in fact does have a plan for me...
but more or less... I do have to say that rather than the blanket God statement that everyone and their mothers can use and relate to... i would suggest looking at the person and work of Jesus. If you cling to anything subjective, you will falter and thus seal your unbelief in God Himself. Subjectivity is one thing that if you do, you will not believe in God... but take things objectively... not even via your subjective self and understanding...
I've had a strong case of "doubt" for the last 2/3rds of my life and I've never been better :)
I would never want to be able to fully have faith in God, or no longer be able to doubt his existence. That's just being ignorant of skepticism, which is something normal humans are capable of having. So many believers here kept trying to push some sort of argument that they believe are entirely evident that God exists.. They gave up on me when I gave a feedback that if their arguments were valid.. then unicorns must also exist.
Besides the fact that you wish to no longer doubt his existence like how most others appear, without any evidence, I agree with everything you said. (= ...That is if I read it correctly.
I went to church for 18 years and I always doubted the entire religion thing. You get to the point where you realize religion is a human created phenomenon designed to help people deal with life. Once you realize you don't need religion to deal with your day to day religions begins to look pretty dumb.
I have had times of doubt in my life, and I still have times of doubt. I don't feel as uncomforatble with them now as I used to. I am currently reading a book titled "Your Soul's Compass" by Joan Borysenko and Gordon Dveirin and coincidentally just started reading a chapter on doubt, last night. The chapter has a quote at the beginning which really resonates with me.
"Doubt is not the enemy of faith. Doubt is the means by which we scrape off the barnacles from the ship of faith." Rabbi Zalman Schacter-Shalomi
I think this is very true. God doesn't have any trouble coping with doubting believers. Other believers tend to be the ones who have the problem.
To be quite honest, I've been asking a lot of questions lately, myself.
And the thing that I don't want to admit most of all is the fact that, I am absolutely terrified of the idea that I could be living life without God.
I always, ever since I was a kid, thought that he would never leave me and always be there for me.
If I ever have to experience a holocaust, or any other form of painful death or torture, I've always trusted that at the end of that tunnel God will be there ready to receive me.
But most of all being so young I think death was just unimaginable to me. Now that I'm a little bit older, it hits me in the face just about every single day that one day, like it or not, I'm going to die.
Death is a guaranteed thing that you just can't get away from.
And so I've been searching for answers, trying to set in concrete to make sure, 100%, that I am taken care of, and that I'm living for the right purpose, and how much I should expect from myself.
I sometimes wonder how people can have such a lax attitude about God.
Why anyone would be so quick to discredit the best thing that ever happened to us....
I mean, there are two things that will most likely happen when you die,
A) There is a God, and you will have to answer to Him.
or
B) There is no God, and you will rot in the dirt. Which would basically be the definition of hell.... rotting away, separated from Him.
If I come through this and find that God isn't really here like I thought, then I will probably spend the rest of my life just trying to cope.
But the one thing that really brought me to be solid in my faith for several years is that if there is a devil then there is a God, because we obviously see signs of evil every single day but it never consumes us all the way. If it is evil then I'm sure it would take all of us immediately, if unleashed and given that power.
But something is holding it back, something is keeping evil from entirely destroying the human race and the rest of the world, there is a reason why I get to have a nice cup of coffee in the mornings and wear a new pair of blue jeans when I go out.
And even if I couldn't, there is somebody in the world who can. So the evil doesn't have everything. And there has to be a reason for that. Even the starving kids in Africa are happy. I've talked to people who've been there and they tell me they've never seen happier people than these who are living in impoverished countries and starve.
The fact that I can find even a little bit of simple good, leads me to think that there must be someone who protects us and grants us that right to happiness.
@Pcgecko85@xanga - took the words right outta my mouth :)
Yes, I went through a period of doubt. Then I had this experience, and it solidified my faith in G-d. I do not nor will I ever doubt again because I know what I know "without a shadow of a doubt." Everyone has to go through their own trials, but always keep faith because it is what will get you through it all.
@Balletwithsoul@xanga - exactly. in this post all you've said in more words is that you believe in god because your afraid to die. because its terrifying to realize that after this life, we die and rot in the ground. that's why anyone ever turns to religion.
but humans are just animals, we're not different than a monkey or a dog or a elephant, whatever you wanna say, yet apparently, they don't go to "heaven". religion was constructed by humans out of fear to answer an unanswerable question to bring relief in chaos.
humans are capable of bad and good. it has nothing to do with some underlying evil force that you talked about in your comment.
believing in god because you see evil is like believing there must be hot sauce in your coffee because it tastes like sugar. basing your entire life around a conclusion like that is just dumb, im sorry.
so many good and bad things have come from believers and nonbelievers. our society characterizes believing in this mythical being and directly links it to a persons moral values. personally i look at Catholicism, as a bunch of people trying to get the world to drink their suicide koolaid, and getting pissed when nonbelievers won't join.
but many Christians etc i've talked to aren't much better either.
the Bible is a contradicting piece of trash that shouldn't be used as any reliable resource in today's society, yet people are still constantly quoting its bullshit.
i mean look at how outdated it is. sure its the most printed book in the world today, IT WAS THE FIRST BOOK EVER PRINTED, what do people expect?? if they printed where's waldo books first, i'm sure there would be a ri-fucking-diculous amount of them out there too.
well anyway, hope you see what im getting at here. i guess no matter what i say you're gonna decide for yourself and more power to you. cuz as everyone says who knows who's right. i have just always known in my heart that any religion someones tried to push on me has been a load of bull.
I have frequently.It's part of l won't hide myself from evidence that doesn't favor my position.Ultimately faith always wins out. For me, there are only two valid options. Most alternatives do not have any sort of ring of truth to them. Atheism, Islam, etc. just ring false and strike me as contrary to reason, experience, and humanity itself.
Option 1: The Christian view of the world. There is a God of love that created all things, though these things have fallen from their created state (this doesn't necessitate a literal reading of Genesis). It only stands to reason that this God would do something to fix this. In Christianity, this is the Incarnation. God is dynamic, and creation happens out of His gratuity, not necessity. Consequently, we find our purpose only in others, but this doesn't mean surrendering our own personality and individualism.
Option 2: Neoplatonism and similar worldviews. There is a "God". This God is intelligent. It has a mind. It is, however, static. The universe exists eternally as some sort of manifestation of It (emanation, necessity, dream, whatever). God doesn't act, and both violence and peace, love and hate, are equally natural manifestations in it. In essence, the universe is a hierarchy of power. Since it has no beginning, it also has no aitia. It simply is as a consequence of God in some fashion. Since God is static, unchanging, then there is a crystalline fatalism, a determinism of sorts. Personal distinctions are at best temporary and at worst illusory. Everything is a manifestation of one being, and thus really all the same.
These are the only two options that have ever appeared intellectually defensible to me. In large part, we can see reasons for both in nature, and it really comes down to a sort of aesthetic choice. I cannot abide the second option, and there seem to be no others (certainly not the crude materialism that seems to be in vogue today). Consequently, I always return to Christianity when I doubt. I find it verified by my experience, by reason, and by a sort of intuition. So, each time it ends the same way, but I get through it by facing my doubts. When people tell me I'm foolish, I kindly tell them to mind their own business. If they can't question their own beliefs, then they cannot truly repent. For to repent, you must be able to question yourself and find flaws in yourself. If they cannot repent, then they cannot become holy. Saints are not made by looking away from the darkness; they are made by banishing it.
@canicus@xanga - thank you for this.
Thanks for your post. Glad to know I am not alone.
Wonderful post. I've had my moments of doubt, many, many times. It can be hard, especially when people are being unkind to you and telling you that you're in sin. Questioning and doubt are not sins, they're part of being human. Anyone who says they have never had questions or doubt is not being honest.
You're in good company...if only unique in your local community. It seems God is calling you to risk filled adventure, which seems to build faith...if the stories in the Bible are true!
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations. --Elton Trueblood
"You can only apprehend the Infinite by a faculty that is superior to reason." - Plotinus
It is not as a child that I believe and confess Jesus Christ. My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt.-- Fyodor Dostoyevski
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire
Man is what he believes.—Anton Chekhov
Christianity is not a message which has to be believed, but an experience of faith that becomes a message. --Edward Schillebeeckx
The farther we go, the more the ultimate explanation recedes from us, and all we have left is faith. --Vaclav Hlavatz
I find the honesty very refreshing and healthy. Doubt and skepticism are fine things in their way (though, as C. S. Lewis once said, I wish some people would exercise them on more than just the Scriptures and the Creeds!). I don't know that I'd agree that every Christians thinks their belief is a lie, but I do think we'd by lying if we said we haven't all had our moments when our belief seemed, well, a bit hard to believe.
What keeps me going is coming back to Jesus-- not apologetics, not my theology of the atonement, not my theories about the inspiration of the Scriptures, but Jesus Himself. There are any number of problems with theology, philosophy, and ethics, but there's no getting past Jesus.
Here's one verse I've contemplated a lot:
"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted." (Matthew 28:16-17)
Think about that: some of Jesus' closest disciples doubted in the very presence of-- and while worshiping-- the risen Christ in the flesh. And nowhere does anybody, least of all Jesus Himself, say this is a bad thing. Not just doubt and faith but doubt and worship can coexist in a good way.
Some authors I've found helpful on these lines: Philip Yancey, George MacDonald, John Newton, Oswald Chambers, R. A. Torrey, Ron Hutchcraft, C. S. Lewis....
I don't know if its true or not...But it is said that no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. Where there is trust there can be no doubt. The moment doubt enters, trust has disappeared. We cannot believe and doubt.
Prayer and affirmation are the strongest defenses against doubt. God is in control..Truth is more powerful than doubt.
Where we worry, there is a stuggle for control.