Friday, 20 November 2009
-
Divorce and Loss
I live in one of two remaining countries in world which doesn't allow divorce. We're a Roman Catholic country, as stated in our constitution, and hold on dearly to our traditions, culture, the family and its values. We have had endless political and religious discussions and debates over whether or not Malta should introduce divorce. So, this 'hot' topic gets a lot of coverage in the media. To date, there is divided opinion on divorce: The anti-divorce camp (made up of conservatives, moralists, right-wing politicians, the church and it's various organizations), zealously see 'the family' as the cornerstone of society and morally claim that everything must be done to preserve it. They argue that families need to be strengthened and that help should be given to those families in trouble so they can face their difficulties which strength and courage to overcome them. The focus usually turns to children and their needs. They argue that the introduction of divorce will make matters worse - not better. It will bring more chaos than order. When referring to the family, they are of course, referring to the nuclear, conventional family. Family diversity does not feature in their discussions. Yet, their staunch anti-divorce views sit unrealistically with social reality. Maltese marriages are breaking down at an accelerated rate each year. And even with separation, children are still the casualties of such breakups. Couples have fought endless battles in court over 'their children.'
The pro-divorce camp argue that divorce is a civil right which is being denied for those who want it - whether these people wish to remarry or not the point. But those who do can't. As it currently stands, couples can get legal separations here, live in different households, and have new partners, however they're still technically and legally recognized as being married. Those who are forced to cohabit have no rights whatsoever. One can opt to get an annulment, of course. But this takes a very long time to obtain and can only be granted under certain 'circumstances.' There is also no guarantee that you'll get one. The State, however, recognizes divorce obtained in other countries.
Why am I taking about this? Well I firmly believe that people don't enter into marriage and leave at the very first sign of trouble. People try - some more than others - but they try to make things work. I don't think that most people take marriage lightly. It is a commitment after all. It entails sacrifice. And most, except for those who are immature or irresponsible, go in it "for better or worse." However marriages do break down for many reasons. So I personally don't see how divorce is any different from separation, except that with divorce, one can, if they wish, marry another person. They are given a second chance to legalize their unions. Whereas with separation they are in a state of limbo.
Countless studies show how stressful and traumatic marital breakdown is. When a marriage breaks down (be it through separation, annulment or divorce), there are no winners. I don't see how anyone in their right mind can, therefore, come to the conclusion that if we introduce divorce here, it will make it easier for people to leave their marriages. Where is the rationale behind that kind of logic? Separation brings loss too....
Today's song post: My Immortal by Evanescence deals with loss and separation. It's one of those hauntingly beautiful, sad songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idd_92ajjwY
Though you may resist, it's one those songs that inevitably makes you cry when you hear lyrics like:
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot eraseWhen I hear this song it reminds me of the loss I felt when my marriage collapsed last year. I lost my life as I knew it, my financial security, my husband even though it was my choice to leave - and a very hard one at that. However, for me the biggest loss was and still is not seeing my kids everyday. That's been the most painful and hardest part of it all.
Is there a song that reminds you of your losses? Have you or someone close to you been through a divorce, and, if so, how do you deal with the loss?
-
recommend
- recs 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 1
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga
- About Me: Jan-Wouter Stigter and Miriam Cassar write their stories connected with the songs they post for the next hundred days.
-
Premium
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 1980 Comments: 0 191 View all posts by hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga
Comments (26)
I am sad to hear of your pain, but I don't understand why people get married when they are not committed to staying together for the rest of their lives. Marriage is an oath before God. People need to plan ahead and count the cost. If the worst case
scenario is unacceptable, do not take the oath. When you wed, you are pledging your entire life to the other person. All must be sacrificed, if necessary, to keep that promise. If it is not unconditional love, it is not love at all.
@interstellarmachine@xanga - Ideally people would and should stay committed to stay together for the rest of their lives if they get married. That is of course the oath we take. However, how can anyone predict what happens throughout the course of marriage? People change. And should people stay together their entire life if they are not happy? Should they stay together if they don't see eye to eye on important matters? Should they forsake their own happiness for the sake of the children, for instance? Is it good to live in a conflict-ridden environment? I tried everything, but it didn't work. It was the toughest decision I have ever made and not one that I took lightly.
as someone who grew up with divorced parents... honestly, the only people who ever made me sad about not having parents who lived together were those who said divorce is wrong/ i'm damaged goods/ my parents are going to burn in Hell. by insisting that it never happen, you create a culture of exclusion and intolerance.
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga -
how can anyone predict what happens throughout the course of marriage?
You can't, that is why marriage is such a serious decision.
And should people stay together their entire life if they are not happy?
Yes, if they have taken that oath. Happiness is not the endgame.
Should they stay together if they don't see eye to eye on important matters?
Yes, and there are mechanisms in place to deal with that.
Should they forsake their own happiness for the sake of the children, for instance?
Yes, if they have taken that oath. Happiness is not the endgame.
Is it good to live in a conflict-ridden environment?
No, but it takes two to Tango.
I have friends who have went through divorce and I know they say it is incredibly painful. I realize that the last thing you want is someone to tell you that you made the wrong decision, but it simply cannot be justified. You mention happiness, but you do not sound happy now. Do you realize that by breaking your oath that you cheapen the everyone else's commitment? The question at the end of the post asks about songs, this is one that I would like to think that I live out in my marriage, even when it is extremely difficult: Hey You, I Love Your Soul
I am a man who knows how to love
When you hate what I fear the most
I'll wash your feet as you spit in my face
Hey you, I love your soul
I'm gonna love when you hate
You can't outrun or escape this liquid
My life poured out like water
I'm gonna drown you with maddening forgiveness
Hey you, I love your soul
I can't depend on your hate to define my love
I'm strong enough to love your soul
Love doesn't care to receive what it gives
Bleeding compassion to the extreme
Love stretches out to die for its enemies
Hey you, I love your soul
I can't depend on your hate to define my love
I'm strong enough to love your soul
No bounds on the deep, no bounds on the wide
I'm deep enough to love your soul
Sometimes divorce happens. It's not fun for anyone involved, unless you're maybe one of those super rich, can make it happen overnight celebrities, but as for the normal layman, it takes years to finalize, court battles for the children, how to divide belongings, and it's just not fun.
@interstellarmachine@xanga - to me, the only marriage worthwhile is one in which you never feel like that to begin with. i think that by agreeing to stay with someone who makes you miserable, you cheapen yourself.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Commitment to marriage means self means nothing, it is all about the other person. I don't understand how everyone always talks about being selfless and putting others first, and being compassionate, but when it comes to marriage, the rules change, all of the sudden it is OK to put yourself first. I don't get that.
I also don't get why divorced parents should have any bearing on how people look at the children. The children do not choose for their parents to divorce. Maybe parents should be a little bit more conscious of what they are putting their kids through when they are thinking of themselves first. There is another thing I don't understand, society is so tuned into the plight of children and how we need to be concerned about the kids, but that all goes out of the window when it comes to the selfish personal wants of parents.
I think each marriage is unique and though I hate divorce because of the hardship it brings on everyone touched by it I do understand that not all marriages can make it for the long haul. I think better counseling should be provided before a couple enter into a marriage contract. So many young couples hurry into marriage with someone because of "feelings" without ever finding out who this person they are marrying actually is. I'm so sorry you are having to be without your children but it's even sadder that they are having to be without you. I'm not divorced but since my husbands brain injury the man I married no longer exists. I'm dealing with it one day at a time.
@interstellarmachine@xanga -
"Commitment to marriage means self means nothing, it is all about the other person."
ideally. but that's not a state of mind that can or should be forced upon someone. if my husband ever stopped loving me, i would not WANT him to stay with me out of obligation, much less expect it.
and when it comes to relationships, i do not believe in selflessness. relationships of any kind are meant to be nurturing and loving to BOTH parties. if they aren't, i think that i'd have to have a pretty low opinion of myself to want to stay in one. i deserve someone who actually loves me... and my husband would deserve someone he can actually love.
@interstellarmachine@xanga - I am sad about the loss. What kind of person would I be if I didn't feel sad that my marriage of over 20 years ended. That, however, doesn't mean I'm not happy about other aspects of my life.
I have to agree with @interstellarmachine@xanga on this one. The moment we talk about our own happiness (or lack thereof) in marriage, we've forgotten that love is not about the one doing the loving - it is about the one being loved. If I'm willing to love only as long as I benefit by being happy, I wasn't loving to begin with.
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. That's why the vows say "for better or for worse..."
@interstellarmachine@xanga - I used to say the same things you are saying...and believed it with all my heart. I'm glad that you can't understand the how's and why's of divorce...its more pain than I'd wish anyone to endure. Now ask yourself why you believe what you do? Is it to be a good boy...to do what you interpret God's will is for you. Is it you believe enduring pain in marriage leads to joy? or something else?
Just as we can't control any aspect of our lives, we can't control the outcome of our marriage. We can influence, we can endure, we can stand in hope, but we are unable to control it. Control is an illusion. I thank God that He is merciful...even Jesus endured pain for the joy set before Him.
I believe His hope for us is a life long marriage. A marriage that is joyful in which I can know myself, God, and my spouse more fully over time...and recognize more fully the gift in each. Jesus tells us its only in this life that we'll have a spouse.
@interstellarmachine@xanga - They and I can be trusted not at all. When Paul says there is only one worthy of trust, I believe he is talking from first hand knowledge...not from a place of judgment, b/c he says he judges no one not even himself...but merely from a place of truth. If you think you can trust yourself then you have not lived long enough nor looked deep enough. I speak out of love only as one that has discovered to his shame (and subsequent redemption) that none are righteous...not one!
I suspect that is the nature of life...we discover more of ourselves as we grow older...but only if we are truly living. And like a flower in the sun we are drawn to the only light that offers hope...and abundant life! Otherwise we may be tempted to cling to our own righteousness, when in fact that its merely a tawdry covering.
And I'm confident that you will discover 'why a person's word means so little.' You are following the living God, who is gracious to reveal the truth to those who seek! One truth I've learned is that my personal joy IS God's glory!
@god_stories@xanga -
But Christians are called to be set apart; to no longer conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformd by the renewing of your mind. We are to take off the old self. We are to let our yes be yes and our no be no. Sure we make mistakes, but should we continue in sin so that grace may abound? No! May it never be! Does this sound idealistic? Yes, we cannot do it on our own, but God gives us the strength to overcome any temptation, that is His promise. Finally, if marriage truely is a picture of the relationship between God and His people, an obviously one-sided relationship, we definitely do not see any shadow of divorce. Check out Ezekiel 16; what a beautiful picture of God and His unconditinal love for His people. Marrage is not a 50/50 relationship. It should be understood to be 100% one-sided by both parties involved. I am so sick of the divorce statistic being a point against Christianity, marriage is an unstitution that we should be experts at. If you are not commited to put your all in to it for the rest of your life, stay out of it.while it is KIND OF (depending on the context) true that no one wld choose divorce if given a choice, it is hard for the society to not go down the slippery slope once divorce is permitted/ legalised. i.e. the system like any other would be abused.
you've mentioned that some ppl try to salvage their marriage more than the others... why so? besides personality, i'm sure the situation, law, culture, etc play a big part. when divorce is not so much of an option, won't one be more likely to try harder to salvage the marriage?
for me, romance is no big deal... (i'm not a prude, i'm 19) but honouring the vow i've made before God is (that's the point of getting married).
i'm really sorry to hear your loss... plz take care for your children's sake...
"They argue that families need to be strengthened and that help should be given to those families in trouble so they can face their difficulties..."
You're lucky. I live in a country in which conservatives, moralists, and right-wing politicians argue that families in need do not deserve to be helped.
@TheSutraDude@xanga - Yes of course, and everything should be done to help families - but we need to broaden our definition of what family means. Unfortunately we only recognize one type of family - the nuclear one - as the most worthy. The traditional nuclear family set up in today's world doesn't reflect social reality, not even in our Catholic country. In a just society all types of families should be helped. For instance, single mothers are frowned upon and labled as being scroungers. People who want to remarry cannot so they have to cohabit since divorce is not allowed and consequently they have no rights whatsoever. In a democractic country people should have the right to remarry if they want to. Denying people that right is wrong. If we lived in a perfect society people wouldn't separate, but they are at alarming rates, by our standards. Sure better marital preparation is needed and I'm all in favour of that. However recent reports in my country showed that lack of divorce is creating more social choas than the 'protective' factors lack of divorce is perceived to have. Unfortunately, people aren't trying harder to salvage their marriage without divorce.
I think that there is a confusion of civil rights, and Christian ethics here. One does not include the other all of the time, yet both are supposed to concern themselves with protection for the weak, and definitions for positive lifestyles and social contributions. Christianity says there is more to life than that, since it poses the point that we are NOT just human beings with spiritual experiences, but rather spiritual beings who are living out a human experience.
If a person or society is only concerned with the human condition, it can only address that much. As a Christian who is living in a human situation, I wholly understand the reasons for creating laws that allow divorces to be available for the same reasons Jesus did: "because of our sin." No one is without it, and we all endure those who sin around us. And others are involved with what it may take to deal with OUR set of sins. Sometimes, the intimacy of contact turns toxic for reasons we didn't see though we diligently looked for them. For that reason, a person may need to leave the intimacy just to ensure psychic and physical survival.
Even God had to get divorced (read Hosea), because He couldn't control his spouse's responses for a healthy union. Instead, his bride decided she was out of love with him, and chose to commit adultery rather than work out the problems. That said, I don't believe that divorce is the ONLY option for everyone or anyone. I think that rebellion shouldn't find a reward for destroying what God has joined together. But that's me being very narrow, and I admit it. I will NOT consider any person who has sought divorce out as their option to ending marital challenge as a loser or hold any other derisive view of them, though. Like you said, most people choose divorce with some measure of grief (which is more profound than simple loss). We are called to comfort those who grieve, not add to their pain.
However, it is because He is a divorcee that God says in Malachi that He HATES divorce. He knows the kinds of pain and damage that choice will include. He would have us all avoid it and instead "choose life" in doing all we can to repair a damaged marriage and heal wounds where we can see them, rather than just figuring out who was to blame for them all the time (if we know someone is destructive and not making changes to stop that behavior, we have to address that, too, of course).
I sincerely hope your personal situation finds a healthy and beneficial answer...
justme
cm
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - I understand what you're saying and I really didn't mean to make light of the dilemma in your country.
@TheSutraDude@xanga - i know. in a perfect world people would live happily ever after....
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - We'll get there. There are actually a lot of people who want to.
@TheSutraDude@xanga - wanting something and what happens throughout life can be two different things. most (if not all those) who commit to someone want to live happily ever after :)
That's true. Sometimes happily ever after doesn't happen in the marriage but happily ever after can still happen in life overall. I know that doesn't address the specific subject you brought up with your article. I do believe that the institution of marriage should be broader and divorce should not be looked down upon. Automobiles are easy to drive and yet many if not most people are involved in some kind of car accident at some point in their lives and we don't shun people for having been in an accident. We don't tell them they can't buy a new car. Marriage between two people is infinitely more difficult to navigate than any car I've driven. Of course their are going to by unhappy marriages and people should be allowed to divorce and give marriage another shot if they want to.
Marriage - that union of a man and woman - really is vastly more sacred than people ever realize. It is not just the physical coupling, but the union of two souls - two precious human beings, created in God's image. God who IS Love, created us to love each other and created marriage to bring us closer to Himself and His love. Well He knew what sorts of challenges would lie ahead of each couple within the bounds of marriage, yet His grace and strength has always been there for the taking, to help them through the tough times. Those who choose to apply God's standards of righteousness as their foundation, still struggle because they are still mere mortals, but by applying His principles of LOVING AND FORGIVING, over and over, day in day out, year in year out, what happens is that something priceless emerges... REAL union. This is only possible through God's grace. Two people who pledged to be one till death do us part, actually DO become one, because of and through the hardships (and of course the joys). The bible speaks of it as a mystical union and it is. Children who are God's added blessing to a marriage, (and the intended purpose from God's perspective) are then meant to see that God
islove, through the example of their parents. All around them these children see other kids whose parents have broken up and instinctively they know this not to be right. But as long as they see the loving solidarity of their own parents, then they will not grow up worrying if this will also happen to
theirparents and their own family . They will grow up strong and trusting, not cynical of marriage and they will also want to enter into marriage themselves one day. When each couple understands marriage as God's perfect plan and each consciously and totally continues to maintain their vow of marriage, come what may, AND calls upon the Lord to come to their aid for wisdom and help in time of need, then their marriage WILL work. Love, forgiveness, respect, patience, kindness, trust, give and take, fun and humour are all gifts from God to aid us and as I said before, ARE there for the taking. We only have to ASK and we WILL receive. God bends over backwards to help us and gives all who trust in Him a wonderful story of His amazing grace.