Tuesday, 03 November 2009
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Sex Before Marriage: An Alternative Viewpoint
You hear all different opinions about having sex before marriage. Naturally with my church background I know both sides of the story, I fell away for a long time, plain and simple, I did not wait to have sex before I got married. I lost my virginity years ago. Now many people have different opinions about this:- Some say that the best gift you can give your spouse is the freedom from comparison.
- Some say that memories will haunt you for the rest of your life.
- That sex before marriage is nothing but ugly and disgusting
- Some say that sex before you are married are nothing but dirty and meaningless one night stands.
- Some say the only people who have sex before marriage have no self respect.
I happen to believe that all of those suppositions are false. Don't get me wrong, if you waited to have sex until you were married or if you are planning on it, then good for you. Of course, I can totally respect that, because I wasn't that strong, but I don't look at myself or my husband in a bad light just because I know we have both been with other people. It is almost 2010. Times are changing and all you girls out there who want to find someone who is a virgin when you marry him, good luck. Not that it isn't possible; just don't look down on someone just because they aren't a virgin. I read something the other day where a man was having a problem with his fiancee because he knew that she had been with more people than just him. He was willing to risk going out to "notch up his bed post" if you will, just to get even. Don't ever be insecure like that.
To address the above points that I made:
- I never have any problem with comparison, and I never worry that Chris compares me to anyone else, because--quite frankly--I know I'm good.
- We are in love, and we are in a committed relationship. Sex is just a natural part of life. I know that he is my everything, and I never have any problems with thinking of other people when I am with him. Honestly, I'm not with those people for a reason now; I left them and I chose Christian over everyone else. I am with him.
- Sure you can have some raunchy sex, but you can be "dirty" with each other when you are married too. Why lump that all together simply to make sex out of marriage look bad?
Sex before marriage of course can include one night stands, but to think that that's all you can find outside of marriage is ignorant. I've been in very serious relationships, and when you love someone--or at least think you do--sex, in my opinion is not a wasted or a dirty thing. Unless it goes against what you believe! Please don't misunderstand me here, I'm not railing on the Bible, or anyone's personal beliefs.
Of course there are people who just crave attention, and sometimes they find it in the wrong places, giving it away to anyone who will take it. That's a sad thing, not something to be judged and looked down upon when maybe someone just needs a friend or some counseling to help build some self respect. It is an illness more than anything else, and I can guarantee that there is a solid reason why they are acting the way that they are. In a whole, sex before marriage can be just a beautiful as it can be in it. Personally, Christian and I have been in love from the beginning, and we were not disappointed when we got married to each other. We already felt comfortable annd knew what we were doing. No awkward nervousness. No built up let down. I am happy that we "rehearsed" our wedding night, if you will. I didn't feel like it was wrong at the time.
So there you have my thoughts on all of these negative things people throw out about sex before marriage. Of course it also comes down to what you believe: if you think it is wrong, if it hurts your conscience, then of course, wait. For me, I wasn't in that place at the time, but I can say from personal experience that baby steps will lead you there, so if its a place you don't want to go than just watch yourself. Baby steps.
Now everyone knows that I grew up in the church, and I'm pretty sure that just about everyone also knows that I fell away for a very long time. I have come back with my eyes wide opened and with a lot of life experience, for which I am happy about. I have learned and now when my baby is growing up I can teach him from a personal standpoint. I've been there, unlike many church people who are so quick to judge and paint horrible pictures of things that they really know nothing about. I can teach my kids why I feel the way I do about drinking, sex, drugs, and all of that because I've been there and done all of it. I'm not ashamed of it, because I have learned from all of it. I can teach them about what I've seen and how bad things can get, but I can also be honest and objective because I also know how the real world is...
So no, I don't regret having sex before getting married. I respect anyone who waits or waited, of course. But in my relationship it hasn't caused any problems and everything is better than ever. If you are mature about it, why let something so common destroy your relationship?
Plain and simple, try not to judge a person or a situation. That is up to God, not you.
Do you believe similarly, that sex before marriage is okay as long as it doesn't violate your beliefs? What sort of experiences or resources have helped you formulate your beliefs on what is permissible before and after marriage?
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- From: LauraG0929@xanga
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Comments (94)
I think any physical interactions that matches how you feel (emotion-wise) about your boyfriend is allowable and understandable. I feel making love is sacred but not sacrilegious out of the bonds of marriage.
Thumbs up!
This is the author's follow-up to this column. She states that this view of sex before marriage is not a Biblical viewpoint and it's just her opinion.
As a Christian, I believe it's wrong because God says it's wrong. Any other reasons can be debated, but that one doesn't change. I believe there are plenty of reasons why it makes sense that it's wrong, but the bottom line for me is what God's Word, the Bible, says.
personally, i could never remain a virgin until marriage. what if you end up being sexually incompatible? that's the kind of thing that can destroy a relationship. i could never marry someone without knowing absolutely everything about him.
Sex is a picture of God's relationship with the church. It is the most intimate relationship we can have on earth, yet it's only a shadow of the intimacy we were created to have with God. When we wait to have sex until we're married, we are a picture of the church waiting for Christ. We refuse to give ourselves to other interests, other lovers, other pleasures that ask for our attention. Saving sex for marriage isn't simply about God not wanting us to have fun - it's a picture of the wedding in heaven between Christ and His church. God uses a lot of marriage/marriage pictures in scripture to describe our relationship with him. When we think about sex in terms of pleasure, natural desire, the key to a healthy relationship, or a "test run" for marriage, we've completely failed to grasp the significance of sex and the reason it was given to us to begin with.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I don't want to have to respond negatively to your comment, because I happen to like and respect you. But that argument is an old and tired one, because if anyone is so concerned about sexual compatibility being the sole factor of making or breaking a marriage, then that person has no concept of what marriage actually is. Sex is just a perk of marriage, it doesn't define it. If you're willing to leave someone for performing inadequately in the bedroom then you never loved them in the first place. You'll have the rest of your lives together to figure out what works and what doesn't. If your marriage falls apart over that then you won't be able to handle other obstacles that come your way, which is inevitable, because no relationship is perfect.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - it's not about inadequacy. what if your partner is into something you aren't, but it's not a realization they can come to until they actually have sex and feel as though something is missing? sorry, but to me, declaring your life-long commitment to someone before working those kinds of things out makes absolutely no sense. sex is a lot more than a perk to me, and i would definitely never marry someone who wasn't compatible with me in that way. i expect and deserve a full marriage in every possible way.
you could apply "working it out" to every other aspect of the relationship... finances, location, parenting, etc... but that's never argued. so why argue it for sex?
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - you could apply "working it out" to every other aspect of the relationship... finances, location, parenting, etc... but that's never argued. so why argue it for sex?
Because more people seem to make a big deal about sex being a deal-breaker than finances, parenting, etc. But should any of those things become an issue, I'd say the same thing: work it out. Talk about these things BEFORE tying the knot. Seek counseling. Whatever. No one has the perfect marriage, and true love in human form is such a rarity these days, I'd be so thrilled if some guy out there wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that whether or not he's good at sex is something I won't be too concerned about.
I'm so glad you wrote this.... I may not agree with everything you've said... but I am glad that someone has written about this... Being a Christian and not being a virgin has hurt me in so many ways..... and many Christians don't understand how critical they have been onto others.... you completely gained my respect with this last line: "Plain and simple, try not to judge a person or a situation. That is up to God, not you."
Although I struggle much with judging myself for my sin, reading this post reminds me that I am worthy of God's love, and also that no sin is greater or lesser than this one.... I still feel guilty even as I write this, but I FINALLY feel as though at least one Christian has some sort of understanding....
Thank you, my dear.
@Parsimony@xanga - I really like your response, actions to fit emotions. I know, it's all Biblical and stuff, or something, to not "awaken love before its time" so that you don't run into advanced emotions and then have to catch up with your actions...Blah. I don't believe it anyway. Make sure your emotions and actions are equal. That's a good point. If you're not doing the whole self-sacrificial love thing yet, then you probably shouldn't be making love. Man. I need to journal about this! In my paper journal. Thanks for the inspiration!
Do you believe similarly, that sex
before marriage is okay as long as it doesn't violate your beliefs?
No. My belief and conviction is that God created sex as unity between a husband and a wife-- and he placed fornication as sexual immorality because it defied his purpose and design. My "belief" is not what makes something right or wrong; these things are wrong because the designer, creator, and sustainer of all that is has declared it to be wrong.
I didn't wait either.
You obviously don't believe what the bible says on this. It's a little confusing. Are you a Christian now and if so, do you just ignore what the bible says?
@ultravioletskies08@xanga - I'm really sorry to hear this, and it's a shame that any person or organization would stigmatize human sexuality so much as to hurt a person for giving in to such a primordial and perfectly natural desire.
those who judge others because they have sex before marriage do so out of pride, you know, the most serious of the 7 deadly sins.
Exactly my thoughts too @musterion99@xanga - ! With all the why it's wrong thoughts listed above the one that should be at the top is "God clearly declares it wrong". If a Christian says God is not correct about this, then what else do they say God is wrong about?
sex before marriage violates the Christian belief... it's called fornication... and it doesn't matter if you're in love... the Christian Scriptures clearly dictates that sex is a gift reserved for and only for marriage... otherwise you committed adultery and thus violate God's commandment of "DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY" and so to have sex before and state that it's ok just so long as it doesn't violate your beliefs is such a wrong and foolish statement to make...
sex before marriage DOES violate the Christian belief...
that's not to say that if one throws away their virginity they are lost goods or sloppy seconds (although the latter is definitely more of a prevalent definition)... this doesn't mean that they are to be discarded... and yes they are to be accepted and if they do marry without their virginity, then that's fine, we aren't to judge... but the dangerous thing about this is that there are no alternate POVs about sex before marriage.... it IS a violation of Christianity...
@Theophilus166@xanga - Amen!
Just remember you as an individual and your friend has to consider what is love? Is love sex before marriage? Is your relationship important? I tell you God put sex in the right place for the right purpose. People are going to do what they do no matter what.
Now consider that: There are young ladies out there that are single parent because someone said I love you. So, you have to consider what is Love to you both, truthfully.
Don't deny your feeling, just be careful.
Love is Patience, kind, generosity,humility, courtesy, unselfishness, good temper, guilelessness, sincerity.
@Theophilus166@xanga - Excellent. I would just copy and paste his whole comment!
I would also add that traditionally most Christians (to my understanding; I could be totally wrong) believe the marriage is "sealed" when it is consummated, and this occurs after the man and woman promise themselves to one another for life, indissolubly, before the eyes of God and the Church. To have sex before or outside of marriage is to engage, basically, in a lie; sex presupposes a marital covenant between the husband and wife, entered into with God and blessed by the Church.
It is very clear that in the Bible, sex before marriage is wrong. There is no debate about that.
However, a lot of Christians may have committed adultery because of this. God's grace is enough for their forgiveness. Christians should live out a new life after repentence and forgot about the past.
it's not okay, it does violate my beliefs, but it's inevitable. remember, in biblical times people were getting married in their early teens. and i'm gonna wait till i'm 25 (about the age i want to get married at) to have sex? it's just not feasible.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga -
"No one has the perfect marriage, and true
love in human form is such a rarity these days, I'd be so thrilled if
some guy out there wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that
whether or not he's good at sex is something I won't be too concerned
about."
then honestly, i think you're selling yourself short. i'd rather be single all my life than compromise on something i find so important to me.
and again, it's not about being good or bad at sex. it's about compatibility. while they may be encouraged and more entrenched by our actions, i don't believe that sexual desires are learned behaviors. to me, compromising something i desire strongly will only lead to my unhappiness in the long run, which in turn would mean a divorce. or worse, i'd end up in one of those completely sexless marriages because we're incompatible but decide to stay together anyway because it's easy or expected. it's not about perfection. it's about whether you're genuinely happy with the person you're with. if you think you can make that call without having sex first, more power to you. but there's no way i could.
I agree with you. There are just too many people who don't have respect for sex. My primary reason for waiting now is that I want to have something special to share on our wedding night. But the other physical intimacy in our relationship brings us closer to one another and, I've found, closer to God.