Sunday, 01 November 2009
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Monogamy: A Slowly Waning Trend?
They were the couple who were going to make it. She, an outspoken, dominating woman with neat-freak tendencies. He, a slightly nerdy introvert. Opposites in almost every way, John and Kate Gosselin were thrust into the limelight when, through a mixture of fertility treatments and divine intervention, the couple found themselves the parents of eight rambunctious children. Whatever the reason, they didn't make it. They're not alone; the divorce rate in the United States alone shows just how difficult marriage is in this day and age, when potential substitute partners are no more than a mouse-click away.
A recent CNN article asks the question, “Is monogamy realistic?” With celebrity marriages crumbling more often than not, perhaps the influence of these affluent people suggests that the day of the life-long relationship with just one person is over. If that's the case, then what alternative to monogamy exists with popular support?
Polyamory is “the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.” According to the article, “researchers studying polyamory estimate there are more than half a million polyamorous families in the United States.” Imagine that you are married, but you are seriously dating another person, and your partner is as well. This, and even more complicated situations, is what is apparently becoming the trend in marriage. In lieu of divorce and affairs, the “open relationship” is the new norm, so much so that the option is even available from the drop-down list of relationship statuses on Facebook.
The Bible takes a much different view of marriage than that of popular opinion:
Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
"Haven’t you read the Scriptures?" Jesus replied. "They record that from the beginning 'God made them male and female.’ And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together."
-- Matthew 19:3-6 (NLT)Marriage is hard; Christians find no exceptions to that rule, regardless of God's influence on their lives and marriages. In spite of what is popular in society and celebrity life, God calls us to monogamy.
What has been your experience with marriage and monogamy? How can married couples avoid polyamory and divorce?
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Comments (39)
My parents have set an example as an monogamous couple and I've always been in a monogamous relationship. The rare times I have found myself dating multiple people, I was never polyamorous.
Married couples have to set their boundaries before they are engaged. They should know each other well enough to know whether they would be happier in an open relationship or polyamorous association.
Christian doctrines on such things as marriage and birth control center around family. Family is the inner life of the Trinity.
People need to know the theology of family well before they get married. As it is, far too many people get married for emotional reasons. Since emotions are fleeting and devoid of reason, one might expect a high divorce rate.
Old testament saints had many wives, then the New Testament changes it from polygamy to monogamy, yet the bible contradicts itself and say's God changes not, yet apologists say there is no contradictions in the bible. There is no end to the lies that can be fed to the ignorant masses.
I'm married and I could never share my husband, and I can never imagine myself being with anyone but him. Yes, marriage is hard, but when you stay together, you've done something great, something honor worthy. Life isn't easy, and anything worth doing and succeeding at aren't easy. i can't wait til I can celebrate my 50th anniversary.
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - The Bible addresses certain aspects of culture that were relevant to the people who were alive at that time. It doesn't mean that it endorses every little thing that they did, and God punished the people who lived against His word.
I think monogamy today is fading because we are so obsessed with a "me first" culture. Consequently, we've lost sight of what it really means to be in love. Love does not mean feeling goopy and smitten with someone every day for the rest of your life; it's a promise to serve that person in every way, putting your own needs last, even during the days when they downright piss you off.
The media loves to parade couples who are still in the "infautation" stage in movies. They always end with a kiss and an implied happy ending; that is rarely ever true. Relationships come with their own unique set of problems, but that's no reason to give up and call it quits. Moving on to another person is just going to repeat the same cycle all over again.
Another problem is that so many people rely on their spouses to satisfy them completely. They think "If only I could get married, then I'll never feel lonely again." Guess what! Even married people get lonely sometimes. We're a culture that loves to find our identity and satisfaction in THINGS or MERE PEOPLE, nothing that is eternal.
I think the pre-marriage formation is crucial. It seems like so many people today are marrying one another without realizing that God must be the center of it all; their marriage is not an end in itself. Marriage consecrates a man and woman's love for each other to God, and the husband and wife help each other grow in holiness and relationship with God together. At least, that's my take on it.
Looking to celebrities as the standard/measure of the state of marriage in this country is not very helpful, either. Not suggest that the OP is doing so, but I meet many who do. Fortunately for all of us, there is one marriage that will never, ever fail, and that is the marriage of the Bridegroom to His Church. Amen.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - "Another problem is that so many people rely on their spouses to satisfy them completely."
Girl you just hit the nail on the head with this comment!!! This is why I oppose the whole idea of a soul mate. But anyhow:
Believe it or not if we can learn to control our own neurology we can make relationships so extremely exciting that it would make your head spin. Another words we can continue to say in love FOREVER!
Monogamy is realistic, if you understand and value the concept of self sacrificial love. Much of the problem with people's lack of commitment to monogamous relationships is that for some reason people like to treat intimate relationships like articles of clothing or cell phones- always changing or switching or rotating to whatever is most convenient at the moment. It also shows a utter lack of value for intimate relationships altogether.
I have been with the same woman for a total of seven years now, and although I meet new women all the time, I only desire to be with my spouse. And I could not even imagine having an intimate relationship with her plus anyone else. That's just primitive and immature.
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - Actually, not once did God sanction or approve of polygamous marriage in the Old Testament. In fact, early on God clearly commanded against such practice, and only approved of monogamous marriage. We must not confuse the recorded moral failures of "saints" (even if some of those failures became common practice amongst many of them) with God-ordained moral standards. This is a perfect example of how most Biblical "contradictions" only appear as such to those who pick and choose phrases/events and rip them out of context, or just don't see the value of context.
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - You're right, the "soulmate" theory isn't very accurate. But that doesn't mean you'll feel fully "satisfied" by sleeping around either. No human being, or "creature comfort" is enough to fully satisfy and make you happy. Only God can do that. Period.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - Full satisfaction comes from within (It is called being grounded i.e centered) independent of sex, people or any form of collectivism! PERIOD!
Aren't you the Jewish convert? You didn't learn that from Albert Einstein???
Sleeping around is just icing on the cake little sister!
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - Satisfaction within...what? Ourselves? Being sinners in need of grace I don't really buy into that theory. But whatever. I'm curious as to how you go about finding that satisfaction within yourself, independent of sex and religion. Because other than God, everything else is only temporary.
And I don't look to Albert Einstein as my moral guide, Jewish or not.
@subSacred@xanga - O yes the perfect vs permissible argument.
Funny how "God" was so crystal clear and authoritative and quick to speak about who he wanted whacked, but waited 2600 years to clear up what christians cry about the most, family.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - You are failing to realize that we are assuming totally different presuppositions. Mine is Kundalini based (but not exclusive) and it transcends all religions. You do remember Moses holding up the rod of kundalini when he parted the red sea, do you not???
Who do you think I am? Some uneducated derelict who cannot defend his own belief system??? Little sister you will soon find out, I am far more congruent then you or anyone on this blog, that I can guarantee. This is not my first marry go round.
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - so so true
@wishtoremainunknown@xanga - Funny how when these people attempt to explain these things, they always have an answer but it never never makes any logical sense so they escape the issue by quoting some retarded scripture like Roman 8:7.
Luckily Nietzsche brilliantly and geniusly kicked the psychological crap out of the Apostle Paul and made him look like the manipulating FOOL that he was! Badabing! Three cheer's for Nietzsche!!!
Anything other than a completely monogamous relationship is completely foreign to me. It just wouldn't even be on my mind to consider anything else.
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - He was crystal clear about everything from the start. It has been us humans who have failed to live up to His desires, because just as in the Old Testament and New Testament we are ...humans. Much of the Old Testament is simply a record of what happened. When we see people breaking God's law and the written record doesn't take out time to bash their actions we can either assume that it was okay for them to break the law, or more logically conclude that as fallen humans we are always going find an excuse to break God's law as we see fit, yet God will still have His work done despite our foolishness. This is completely congruent with the message and purpose of Jesus Christ.
Funny how when these people attempt to
explain these things, they always have an answer but it never never
makes any logical sense so they escape the issue by quoting some
retarded scripture like Roman 8:7.
First of all, that is one of the most uneducated, closed-minded, lazy arguments I have seen for a while. I am sorry if some idiotic Christians rubbed you the wrong way, but not all of us are naive and brainwashed as you suggest. Secondly, for someone who feels as strongly against Christian thought as you claim, you sure spend a whole lot of time on a Christian site. Just makes me wonder.
@Nathanmon - If you ever get a chance to read the bible do it, then you will understand.
@subSacred@xanga - "He was crystal clear about everything from the start."
Thank you for implying that David a "man after God's own heart" and a man who wrote part of the bible was a total complete disobedient rebel who thumbed his nose at God and basically laughed at God's "crystal clear" commandments.
Yet even through all his complete and total rebellion God still continued to bless this womanizing rebel of a whore monger.
If I can break God's "crystal clear" commandments by screwing a different chick every night while simultaneously being blessed with millions of dollars, COUNT ME IN BABY!!!
Failed marriages are not new. The high percentage of divorces (down to 38% from 50% due to recession) is new. Extramarital affairs are not new. But in the past, women took care of the children and the home and the men provided. Those were the dark ages for women. YetI truly believe men's current expectations that women will do "it all," the difficulty of actually carrying that out, and the expectation that infatuation-like monogomous love will last forever, is why marriages end so frequently now. It is sad. For all. Especially the kids.
I am not sure what to make of this post... or any of the comments.
First, I LOVE being married. Is it easy.. not always. But my hubby is the man God chose for me, and we meant every word of our vows. Yes we make each other crazy some days, yes we fight, but we love each other and that love is a gift from God worth fighting for every day.
I wonder.. have their been any studies done to see if there is a link between the amount of couples who live together/sleep together before marriage and the high divorce rates?
Marriage will change you as a couple. I'm not really sure how to go about putting it into words.. but there is something about entering into a covenant between your spouse, God and yourself that changes you.
I'd also like to add that I am a stay at home foster mom, and I do everything around the house, and my husband provides for our family. If this is living in the "dark ages" (as one commenter said) I never want to be in the light.
I saw that CNN report. I don't believe monogamy is dieing. Proof of that is...I've been in many monogamous relationships. :) Polyamorous relationships don't work for me. Initially I might think it is a kind of release...until I find myself faced with two women telling me they have a headache. It's impossible to be in a relationship without getting involved in the other persons issues and the other person getting involved in yours. Thus things become more complicated. Also if I'm with a woman I don't want her to be with another man. For me there's something "ewwww" about the reality of a woman being with another man while she's with me. I've always desired monogamy but haven't always been monogamous though. Now I would not be anything but monogamous.
If you look at the jerry springer show, or the maury show, the phrase: "Multiple partners does not necessarily mean multiple joy; Multiple pain and sorrow is more the case" (or something), is a phrase you should know well!
While it would really be great if all men and women could live in polygamy, but God has just not intended things like this.
Any serious relationship outside of marriage, will always result in a divorce, and a partner divided in making choices.
Not only to mention, that the partner's new partner, might have another partner, and so on...
Just think about the STD's that could expand so rapidly!
It is the number one reason why AIDS found it's way to so many people in the world so fast!
God has created us to have a monogamous relationship, and never have to go through divorce.
Divorce by itself most often takes about 50-75% of the time you had a relation with that partner, to truly get over it.
If that where all, things would be reasonably ok, but think about how many people divorce for personal reasons, be it work, or pleasure, while not looking at their kids at all!
For some reason people want to find something they never found in their partner, especially woman want to find romance in their partner.
If they move too fast, and a friendship, then romantic relationship can not establish, they will most likely feel they are left out of the fun!
Keep sex for after marriage! Have a great friendship with a good partner (of the opposite sex), and let it grow by itself.
Keep true to keeping sex for after marriage. And if you can't wait then haste marriage, but don't marry someone you didn't have at least 1 year of a romantic relationship with!
I had 3 years, some people I know had 5 or 7 years, before they finally got married!
It is possible; just takes some will power.
Entering into a sexual relationship too soon is undermining, interfering, and destroying a romantical friendship stage that is so necessary for growth towards eachother...
I never believed this! I rejected the idea of 'no sex before marriage' too! Then God set me up with a long distance relationship, where there was no other way.
After marriage, it became obvious to me (and to God be the glory for that) how important these values truly are!
If it wasn't for the things me and my wife went through, the trials, near relationship breakups, difficulties, abstinence, AND the hours we sought God in our relationship,
we would have never sticked together in marriage.
The relationship stage, the emotional stage, the friendship stage, is vital in determining the outcome of marriage. Don't give in to temptation, and in your marriage chances are you will stick together longer too!
About what the world thinks the right norm is,
let them!
They continuously come out with new ideas and methods,
but we know they don't work.
I think the hollywood marriages of so called the 'perfect' couples, are worse off than many of us who ARE happily married, most of the time WITH God!
Consider yourself utmost lucky, if you have God within your (hopefully lasting) marriage! You are one of the 5% of the population that include God in their marriage,and have peace and love as guidance of their household!
@fallingraindrop@xanga - I wonder why atheists don't believe in God and yet find pleasure in bothering other people who do!
I mean,this is a christian forum.. I'm not going on atheist forums,trying to convince people that God DOES exist!
@ChevalierSeingal@datingish - Exactly. The majority of them go around like they know it all... because all the answers are in this extremely outdated, vague book that has been translated into different languages and the meaning is different now. Every time I have a conversation with them, I find so many loopholes, contradictions, and hypocritical explanations. Crazy what some believe, and then they must thrust it onto others.