Wednesday, 28 October 2009
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Christian Grief: It's A Process, Not Instantaneous
To say that Christians ought not grieve is a ridiculous statement, yet I have been told it is said to those looking for help after experiencing loss of some kind. That is cruel and amounts to telling them to "get over it." Christ has come to comfort those who mourn.Experiencing grief does not mean a person is an immature Christian or one who lacks faith in the eternal destiny of a believer who dies, or that a person lacks faith in God when life's circumstances deal them a terrible blow. Obviously believers in all stages of growth and change experience grief and loss. A younger believer does not usually have the depth of understanding or the resources to respond biblically in grief. One who has walked with Christ longer may find it easier to accept and understand difficulties and grief because they have a history of God's faithfulness to them over the years. A more mature believer can be an excellent role model to a younger one providing our response is honoring to God.
The most often asked question is "Why?" "Why did God take my loved one?", "Why did I lose my job?", "Why is my reputation being ruined this way?"
Many wonder if they are being punished for some sin they have committed. (No! Jesus took all the punishment for all our sins upon Himself on the cross.) Has God rejected me? Am I out of fellowship with God? (No! John 6:37 says that Jesus will never cast out His own). Wondering if somehow we have been cast out of the family of God is something we don't have to think about. Jesus will never leave us or forsake us, we belong to Him for all eternity. These are important truths to tell to someone who is hurting and wondering what role they play in the loss.
As you grieve you may wonder about all the emotions and crazy fluctuations in your moods; these are very normal! One only needs to look at our Old Testament friend, Job to see that he experienced the entire spectrum of emotions. He was numb as one loss piled on top of the other, shocked as all he treasured went away. Angry as his wife told him to curse God and die, he was fearful and frightened as he grew more and more ill because he didn't know where it would end, and then upset because he could not seem to die. He was at first glad and then sad when his three friends showed up to comfort him, and as they continued to "comfort" him he grew lonely because they proved to be no comfort at all. Those friends were not comforters, they were accusers and condemners. In time he wearied of their company and wished they would shut up and go away.
So you see, you are not so unusual after all! You may have all of these reactions to your situation and that is okay. Please don't listen to those who would tell you that grieving must quickly end and life resume its hectic pace. You will grieve as much as you need to when you need to. I found that when my Mom passed away it took me about 6 weeks before I was emotionally awake again, and it was not until then that I really began to deal with my loss.
Keep in mind that many people don't need words, they need your presence in their lives. They need the steady presence of someone outside those who grieve to give a reality check. It is much more important that you are simply there so don't worry about having much to talk about.
What have you learned or seen through grieving?
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About the Author
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- From: bc4women@xanga
- Name: bc4women
- About Me: Julie is a Biblical Counselor at Biblical Counseling for Women. BC4WOMEN is an intensive discipleship and counseling service that focuses on helping women overcome the problems of life through the application of the Word of God to their lives. Through application of truth, they learn how to glorify God by their thoughts, beliefs and desires. Julie has been involved in Disciplship Training for over a decade and is certified through numerous organizations. Our goal is Heart Change for Life Change! If you are interested in more information, please go to: biblicalcounselingforwomen.org
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Comments (18)
As a Christian who lost my father 5 months ago to cancer (VERY swiftly), this is exactly the post I've needed! So many in the church skirt around the issue and don't ever discuss the hurt I feel and the loss I've suffered. "Bereaved" means "to be robbed", and that is how I feel...that I was ROBBED of my daddy. I can count on one hand the number of people who truly care about how I'm doing on a daily basis.
Death is uncomfortable. Even Jesus acknowledged that. Yet he still gave the command to "mourn with those who mourn"...and I don't see many doing that. I see them sweeping it under the rug. It makes me feel ASHAMED for grieving my loss. I know that's not how He would want me to feel...but I just need to have someone be Jesus' hands and feet for me, to SHOW me comfort.
@CrazySwede@xanga - my husband lost his Dad several years ago and I know that he is still grieving....I live with him and I can see it. Because of his lose, he started facilitating a group called "Grief Share" at our church. It is a great program to help people understand the process and allow themselves to grieve. You may want to see if there is a church in your area that runs this ministry. You will also, meet others who are grieving and build new relationships.
@CrazySwede@xanga - I agree with you! My final post on this topic will appear Thursday (bc4women.blogspot.com) and on Xanga and I discuss this very thing! People are not comfortable with grief, they have no clue what to say, and so they avoid it entirely.
This is so hurtful to the one who grieves... We are to comfort one another with the comfort we have received from God (2 Cor 1) and we often fail miserably at it. weep with those who weep...a ministry long neglected in the Body of Christ.
Well said.
Almost a year ago now, my fiance broke up with me...and upon losing her, I also lost "my" kids. (Her three children from a previous marriage.) We had many good things going for us...and sadly, too many bad things that neither of us fully managed to overcome as we needed to. It was about 6 months before I started being able to go through a day without crying or faking smiles at work. And sometimes, on occasion, I still mourn that I lost a woman I loved so much. Everyday, though, I still cry inwardly over losing "my" kids.
...for 2.5 beautiful years, I was a daddy and for 2.5 years I was a man who found love in the heart and eyes of a woman I never thought I'd lose. My "reality" has come almost completely back into focus after a year later. But the loss still sometimes casts a shadow on my heart...and I just wish Jesus would come back at that moment finally.
@CrazySwede@xanga - *HUGS TIGHT* I'm sorry. I don't know that pain, but I know that there is little, if anything, like losing a parent. Cry if you still need to cry, okay?
@pastorswife - THAT is an amazing blessing that your husband has provided. Talk about offering peace in the MIDDLE of the storm!
This is SO what I have been trying to deal with lately. Thank you. The advice, the pressures, the demands to "get over it" only make things worse. God has a time and a plan. It takes as long as it takes.
This is a well written post, but I would like to add without trying to hijack the post.:)
Grief is an intense emotional suffering it effects all people differently, their is no one size fits all answer or package in one box cure. Grief comes in many forms as you have said from a death of a friend or loved one, to a wide range of things, divorce, abuse, abandonment, illness, life transitions, disasters, or any form of misfortune..
I like as well how you pointed out the problem of trying to cheer someone up, often well intentioned friends want to help someone suffering from grief but often do not know how, so they try to cheer them up or get their mind off the loss, this actually can add to the burden because the person who is grieving has to avoid their friends or fake it, rather than have the chance to share what feelings they are really having...
Grief is a complex set of emotions everyone has to go through the same process, some experience the loss in a different order, some 2-3 different levels at once, for some it lasts weeks, months, years, and some even a lifetime. when a person enters the Dark Valley of the Shadows it is the beacon or the person walking along beside them that is needed the most, to help them identify the process and where they are in the different stages....
1. Denial or shock
2. Release of emotions
3. Guilt and anger
4. Bargaining
5. Sadness
6. Acceptance
The "Hard" news is that the only road to true healing is through the grief process, the "good" news is, God has promised to walk that path with us.
This is really good, I really needed to hear this, I am struggling, I've been a Christians for about almost three years and I lost my father very suddenly about 3 weeks ago, and I am still trying to process
It's sad that Christians need to be reminded that they are human. Grief isn't instantaneous for anyone, regardless of their faith.
Great post. Grief is healing and unless a person grieves then they won't be healed. For me some of the most powerful words in the bible are the words "Jesus Wept."
p
I am in the process of grieving over a break-up. My emotions and thoughts are chaotic. I've been trying to understand why it happened and why, for a long time, God seemed silent when I went to Him for answers. I say all that to say I don't know exactly what I've learned.
my dad passed away this summer. thanks. i really needed this tonight.
I have a friend who doesn't want me to 'grieve with him'. He wants me to crack wise and friend-insult him, just as I always have. And to be there.
Mainly to be there.
And not hurt his heart more.
Loss causes pain.
God allows pain for several reasons.
1. It shows us how he cares for us. He allowed himself untold pain. Every sin pains God. He even allowed the death of Jesus by the insult of the cross. He allows us to walk straight past the cross into Hell, rejecting Him personally.
2. It draws us closer to him.
3. It reminds us that this pain-filled place is NOT our true home.
4. It gives us greater ability to help others with/through THEIR pain.
Sit with Job, but don't bust his chops.
You all have made excellent points and comments on this post. I thank you. I am also very saddened that so many of my fellow Christians are suffering alone, or seemingly alone. It is a sad state of affairs for us when we find our primary place of comfort on a blog site, and that our pastors and churches are not the haven of comfort and compassion they ought to be.
It is sad that so many hide their feelings and devastating sorrow over loss. I have some other posts on this topic that I will put up on my xanga next week. Perhaps they will minister to you as well.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.
Blessings Brothers and Sisters
Julie
Thanks to all, the blog & comments were very helpful.
It's only been four weeks since my recent loss. Not devastaed as I was initially but i am still crying from time to time and generally down.
You have given me a framework and what to expect as I go through this.
Thanks again.
Looks like it's been a while since anyone has posted here, but thought I would anyway. I'm grieving and not just one thing...In August I lost my job. Even though I see the purpose behind it at this point, I still am not sure if I've processed it all. The reason I see the purpose behind it is because I had time with my parents I would have never had if I had been working. My step Mom came down with pneumonia in October and was already behind the eight ball with the last round of chemo she was undergoing. She recovered from the pneumonia, but all the while battling that, the cancer was running wild and by Thanksgiving she was in Hospice. She went home to be with the Lord in Early January. I was there with her and Dad and as hard as that was and as painful, I wouldn't trade it for anything because I was there for my Dad and her and the relief we felt was enormous. Still I don't know if I have processed that because at the same time my spouse was plotting her exit strategy from our marriage. Unfortunately, I cannot count how many times in the three years we've been married that she's actually threatened to leave or has packed up and left. Still, I cannot fathom and understand how at a time when I needed her most that she's totally focused on herself and exiting. As soon as I returned from my parent's home (out of state) I had to hit the ground running and deal with this with an already maxed out emotional, mental and physical state of being. I know I've not finished grieving my mom's loss yet and as my spouse's exit gets dragged out week after week, I feel more and more like it's never going to end and that the worst is around the corner.
I am thankful that I do have brothers in Christ who are walking through this with me and I have a supportive family and am seeing a Christian counselor. So for me the church is there for me in this time. I have to say though, it's been because I've made the effort to foster that into motion. Not that I take credit for that, I believe that's God's enabling 100%. But at the same time, I think he expects us to do some of the work and make an effort even though we are nearly spent in every way. Kind of like the old adage, "To make a friend you have to be a friend." To gain support you have to seek support and mostly Seek Christ. I cannot tell you that I seek him as I should, but I can tell you that I seek him more than I did yesterday, the day before and the week and the month before.
My message is, seek Christ. Seek him with the as much as you have left in you to do it. He will not turn you away. Julie was very correct in pointing to John 6:37. Give him what you have left; he will multiply it. When it comes down to is, nothing gets done unless Jesus does it. That requires us to lay down our pride and the engrained "I do it myself" bent we have in our Old Man. It's hard, but it's harder with out the Lord.
Last month I received a phone call from my mother telling me my brother had collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. We found out that he had stage 3 cancer. Now it is at the point where they are unable to do anymore for him except make him comftorable. Through the whole process I have reached out to fellow Christians. Today I heard from one such Christian that life is to be celebrated and if I am mourning over his loss that I am not a true Christian. I am on the fence. WHAT???? How could anyone say that to someone especially a suppsed Christian when they know it is wrong to judge and it is a normal process to grieve. Being a Christian or not. My tears are for the loss of a dear brother not for the loss of his life but for the pain he is suffering and knowing that he will not be here to share the rest of our lives together, though we will see one another some day soon. I am already hurting but now angry that someone that claims to be a Christian had the nerve to say something so ignorant and cruel at a time like this.