When singles go to many Christians for advice about or help with getting married, they are told their longing is an affront to their faith. They are told that their intense desire for marriage—and everything that comes with it—is an "earthly desire," something is either "fleshly" or barely a step above it. "God is your real spouse," they say. "Your ultimate fulfillment should be in Christ. If you’re not content with that, something is wrong with your faith." They go so far as to say that marriage will distract them from opportunities to serve God, citing 1 Corinthians 7 as proof.
I heard this through much of this since high school. It never brought me peace. If anything, it made me doubt the strength of my faith. It’s a half-truth that is preached as gospel by ascetics or ascetic wannabes. I firmly believe I, and most other mature Christian singles, have found our ultimate fulfillment in Christ.
Then why do I feel I’m missing something despite my (near-constant) contentment in Christ?
I asked one of my married friends about this a few weeks ago, and he began by saying, "Maybe I’m a heretic for thinking this," and told me something I’d thought about before—
"Maybe you need that little piece of Jesus in the other person."
His thought was that for those who are to be married, when they accept Christ, He fills that the void in their hearts (the popularly named "God-shaped hole"), but leaves a small piece out. That last piece is then filled by the Spirit of Christ indwelling a spouse.
It sounds heretical because we’re taught that so long as we have God, we need nothing else (1 Tim. 6:6-8; Philippians 4:11-13; Heb. 13:5; etc.) Ultimately, I believe that is true. But then why do I still long for marriage? It can’t simply be a "desire of the flesh." That cheapens marriage and sex, both of which God created, saying, "It is very good" (Gen. 1:27-28, 31; Gen. 2:15-25).
That’s why the idea that people need the small piece of Christ in another person makes absolute sense. We were created to be relational beings (it’s part of the image of God we bear). It explains why mature Christ-followers are still wracked with longing. And, I firmly believe, it explains why the best marriages I’ve observed are the ones in which each spouse compensates for the other’s weaknesses with their strengths (the old adage “opposites attract” is true for a reason). It also explains why people are unfulfilled if their spouse isn’t a Christ-follower (or isn’t practicing their faith well) or if they expect ultimate fulfillment to come from a significant other: that “piece of Jesus” isn’t big enough to fill their hearts.
What are your thoughts on the desire of single Christians to be married? Is it something to avoid or something to experience and learn from? What was/is your singlehood experience like?
Comments (37)
To each his/her own. Some are called to marriage, some are called to the single life, some are called to the priesthood/sisterhood and some are called to be engineers.
i actually kindof agree with this.
I know some Christians who have had this deep longing for marriage since they were teens.
But I know some who feel God has called them to be single and have no interest in marriage.
Its the same for couples who want children. Some will go to great lengths to get pregnant, while others will find alternative (foster/adopting) ways to build they families. And then there are some who feel that they are fine not having any until God shows them otherwise.
I believe God puts desires in our hearts so we seek Him and ask Him to fulfill those desires.
just my 2cents.
I believe you're right.
"For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." Matthew 19:12
It's not so much a call as accepting that there are things that a single person can do that a married person can't. It depends on how much a person desires to see the kingdom.
Here's a quote from Rich Mullins that explains it well:
"That’s one of the things I love about being single, everybody always
goes ‘Oh, you’re single what a tragedy.’ And I go ‘Well, yeah, from
about ten to two each evening it is a tragedy but that times a tragedy
for most married people as well.’ One of the great advantages of being
single is you can still pick up hitch hikers, if you are married you
don’t want to get, you know, slit or anything, cause you have a family
to support. If you're single and you die it doesn’t really matter so you
are free to do what you really want to do. I love that"
Our church tells that us that we have to get married, that it's part of "God's plan" for us, but I think that's hocus pocus.
@foxes_have_holes@xanga - Actually, in my experience, there's a huge lack of emphasis on marriage in church right now. Maybe it's my denomination, but I think there's such a de-emphasis on marriage and family that it's somewhat alarming.
@Pickwick12@xanga - that sounds good to me
I'm not sure what I think about this thinking. I'm not oppose to it, I would just need to do some research of my own. It has merits. Usually, if someone is called to singleness they don't have the pull to be with someone. I think sometimes circumstances leave us single (for whatever reasons) even when we wanted to get married. I don't think God gives us desires to torture us with them, but it is a matter of bringing them to Him (I have the hardest time with unfulfilled desires, but timing is everything I suppose). Anyway, I'll have to look into what the scriptures say.
--it is not good for man to be alone.
somewhere in genesis <3.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - agreed
The joining of man and woman into one flesh is so important that it one of the first things written about in the Bible.
We need to be happy inspite of our longings, though. Bringing a happy person into a marriage will be a boon to our spouse.
@foxes_have_holes@xanga - well said. Before marriage- i went to war torn countries as a nures, after marriage my priorities have slightly shifted, Not to say I still don't travel to these areas it just isn't in the heat of the battle
I don't feel that relationship statuses affect someone's path to God. Personally, I'm aromantic and I don't find myself having an easier or harder time with being a Christian. Sure, it comes with more time to focus on oneself instead of finding someone else, but I don't really see it as an asset or a liability because we all worship and follow God in our own way.
I don't feel that I need someone else in order to be a better Christian. I don't see why I have to force myself to like someone to be a better Christian. If I'm able to comfortably worship God without any distress, I don't see why I would or should feel empty.
Hm...some of my Christian friends feel like they should be married someday, some right now, others never. But a lot of them date men/women from different religions. For example, my best friend is Methodist, but her boyfriend is Jewish. Not sure how they would fit into this definition you give...I believe people should marry who they love and sometimes the person they love doesn't have the same beliefs.
As for me...I'm agnostic, and I have no idea what I would do for my wedding. I'm only 18 and not getting married anytime soon, so why think now?
@mjsl1004@xanga - I tend to believe that when it says it's not good for a man to be alone, it just means socially in general, not specifically romantic-wise.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I agree.
There was a period of time in my life, right after I got out of a really screwed up relationship, that I think I finally figured out what God wanted for me in my singlehood. I lived by the passage in Song of Solomon that says, "O Daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken love until the time is right!" So, instead of looking for a new boyfriend, I spent a lot of time in prayer and the Word, trying hard to figure out what kind of woman God would want me to be and to fully accept the fact that *gasp* maybe God didn't plan for me to be married.
I think the day I decided I could accept that was the day I met my future husband.
I don't think that there's any one way, because we are all such different people with different struggles. Some people are perfectly content being single, and others absolutely crave that intimacy. I just know that we are called not to awaken love until the time is right, and in that sense, it's okay to long for it, just as long as you don't act upon it. Focus that longing on Him, and let it happen in His time. After all, He's got a better plan than you or I ever could.
Marriage takes three: man, woman and God. Marriage is a beautiful Sacrament and a holy vocation; Christ's first miracle was at a wedding, after all, and even Christ has His Bride.
Are you missing a piece of Jesus without marriage? I hope not, or I am in serious trouble! But it also depends on what way of life God is calling you to, as @QuantumStorm@xanga referred to. But if God is indeed calling you to marriage, then you may indeed be missing out on something good, holy and beautiful in declining the invitation. Pray about it. Rinse. Repeat.
God created marriage and honors marriage. He puts the desire for marriage in some of our hearts when His will for us involves a mate or children. The Bible condones marriage much more often than it condmens or criticizes it, and the few passages where marriage is looked upon in a negative light, it is written from a man's perspective and not God's. Jesus Himself celebrated marriage (see John chapter 2.) people who believe that any longing for marriage is sin or not in line with God's will are mistaken. however, there is a balance that has to be acheived. if the longing for romantic love is interfering with your relationship with God, then there is a problem with priorities. we were put here with the purpose of bringing glory to God, not to follow our own desires. BUT, to give hope i will remind you that Scripture tells us in Psalm 37:4 that those who have right priorities -- those who put God first above all else-- will be granted the desires of our hearts (according to God's will). along with determining to follow God's will above our own, we also need to wait on God's perfect timing and not give in to our impatience. TRUST ME on this-- i am in the midst of a very painful divorce that i never wanted because i rushed into getting married before it was God's time for me to do so. wait on the Lord and trust in His promises! (for encouragement, see Deut 7:9, 1 Kings 8:23, Neh 1:5, Ps 32:10, Ps 33:18, Ps 103:17, Ps 119:165, Ps 147:11, Prov 8:17, Prov 8:36, Prov 21:21, John 14:21, James 1:12... oh my i could go on and on and on...) God is good and His promises are true! rely on Him and trust in His perfect will and timing in your life. you WON'T regret it!
the Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make His face shine upon you,
and be gracious to you;
the Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
and give you peace.
Amen.
@modernmelody - so well said!!
Wait on God really. I would never want to hear stupid stuff like "it's earthly" like it's only about sex! Love is more than sex, that phrase just doesn't make sense. The right advice would be, wait on God. Talk to Him, ask Him for a spouse, wait on Him. If He doesn't respond right away, He has a reason why. Maybe you're not ready? God's timing is always perfect.
I find it absolutely hysterical how when a young man goes to a pastor or elder and asks for prayer for a mate that these holy rolling pricks will tell him him "don't worry don't push it don't rush
it, in God's perfect timing he mill magically bring that one special
soul mate into your life. His ways are much higher then our ways. We just need to be faithful just like he tested the patience of Moses, he will test our patience as well"!
Yet when the church discovers that this same young man doesn't have a job then these same self righteous pricks will say "the bible says if you don't work you don't eat. Young need to IMMEDIATELY get a job or IMMEDIATELY get an education so you can get a good job If you want the blessings of Christ in your life"!
Funny how these same self righteous pricks don't tell him "don't worry don't push it don't rush
it, in God's perfect timing he mill magically bring that one special job into your life. His ways are much higher then our ways. We just need to be faithful just like he tested the patience of Moses, he will test our patience as well".
We all know that if this young man is without a job how will he be able to tithe?
We also know that if this same young man is married and has children now tithing becomes much harder because not only does he have to start saving for the children's college fund but now he will have 3 or 4 mouths to feed, diapers and formula to buy.
Funny how that works.
Sorry for some reason my edit box always seems to screw up the sentences. Not sure why.
When it comes to getting a job you have to actually take the initiative, get off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
But when it comes to your love life, you have to MAKE A WISH AND THROW THE PENNY IN THE WELL.
Telling God either, "I am definitely going to get married" or "I am definitely going to be single" are both things one should be careful of. Once in a marriage, you've made a covenant for life; however, beforehand... just be content with where God has you, and pay attention to what's around you.
I dated my first girlfriend right after I turned 18. I didn't pay attention to the signs God gave me. We broke up after 10 months. I wanted a relationship -- that was a part, but not all of it. Then I swung the other direction and said, "I won't date again until I work out all my problems for my possible future spouse!"
I looked actively, but no one was around who met what I was looking for. I said, "I've given up and accept my single-hood!"... but I did it as an attempt (mostly) to get the whole, "It's only when you stop looking that you find him/her."
A bigger problem I find is that many teens now, I believe, think that "stopping looking" is a sure-fire way to end up getting married. They forget that if you do become content being single with God, that perhaps that's a desire He'll grant for you, then. You can't force God's hand.
The second girl I ever dated recently married me and became my wife. I generally tend to think that if the desire's there and it's not inherently evil (like "wanting to kill someone"), it's usually there for a reason.
God bless,
~Scott
I think that even though people who say such things are well-intentioned, using a person's religious beliefs to downplay or criticize his/her feelings is spiritual abuse. You feel what you feel. It's not right or wrong. Only actions are.
If God is all we need, then why, in Genesis ch.2, does God bring forth Eve for Adam because He saw it was not good for man to be alone?
I've heard entire sermons on this in the past.