Saturday, 24 October 2009
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Teetering on the Edge: Parents versus Teens
“Mom, it’s ok! Quit freaking out! It’s just a Halloween Party! You’re always telling me to learn how to make good choices, and then not letting me make my own choices!” Sound familiar? Ever said or had those words said to you?
Well, if you’re a 45 year old mother or father of a 17 year old son or daughter, then you’ve probably heard these words… and probably recently. I do not have any kids of my own yet (as I’m rather young myself), neither was I a party-it-up kind of guy in high-school or college; but I remember this type of conversation between my parents and my brother. My brother was a “teetering teen”; by that I mean that he was teetering on the edge of turning his back and walking away, or staying on track.
I think, for parents, there could be no greater trial than dealing with a teetering child. Despite your best efforts, unfortunately, a Child is often going to go his or her own direction (at least for a while) regardless of what you do; still, that doesn’t absolve you from responsibility, does it?
Parents are not the only ones who have responsibility for someone who may be teetering on the edge. Although their pain may be greater, I think everyone knows someone in this situation.
If you do, you will be faced at some point with the choice; take a stand, or give in for a more pleasant coexistence. I think it’s easier to rationalize our silence than it is to say anything at all. After all, does the bible say don’t ever judge? Isn’t true love having the courage to let someone make their own mistakes?
Unfortunately the Bible commands us to Judge (1 Cor. 5:11-13). And if we saw our child, hand outstretched, heading directly for the stove or busy intersection, we would be put in jail for life if we said “I love you, so I’ll let you learn”.
So what happens? Do you, or should you choose silence over confrontation when someone is teetering? As a parent (specifically) or even as a friend, do you let the kid go when he or she is pushing?
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About the Author
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- From: deepestrecesses
- Name: A Servant of Christ
- About Me: I am currently ministering in the Louisiana area. My passion is the Word of God inspired and understood through the Holy Spirit. I have spent time at Harding University studying in the Bible Department and was led through a series of events to take a different path for my education which would enable me to begin the ministry God has set before me.
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Comments (14)
I wish I even knew what this post means.
My brother was a “teetering teen”; by that I mean that he was teetering
on the edge of turning his back and walking away, or staying on track.
Walking away from what? Staying on what track? Teetering on the edge of what? Seriously, could so many words be used to say so little. I don't mean this to be rude, but this all sounds so hollow and meaningless. It's like something that would be discussed on Oprah.
@scrambledmegsntoast@xanga - I apologize for being to vague; it sounded clear in my head when I wrote it.
To clarify- when you see someone at that point when they're about to turn their back on God and walk away, do you stand up to them and say the things that need to be said (thus causing some kind of likely conflict) or do you simply let them go their own route without confronting them?
I'm sure most people have seen friends, or family members, who were once devoted to God turn their backs on God. A lot of people watching this happen then ask the question of themselves "Do I confront them or not?". That's what I'm asking.
Did that make any sense?
@deepestrecesses - Oh, OK. Well yes it makes sense now. I think there was never a parallel drawn between the parent/teen relationship and the God relationship. I couldn't figure out if the post was about parenting or faith.
@scrambledmegsntoast@xanga - Kind of a little bit of both-- maybe for those who are parents it is about the intersection between parenting and faith.
Been there lived that as what you called a "teetering teen" my parents gave up and let me live my life. I didn't make so great of choices but I turned back to God, and I am now married and life is good at 23.
This post was more than well summed-up in the last paragraph. I think the questions in bold at the end -- added by ReveLife -- are unnecessary. Sometimes a post doesn't need discussion. The absolute truth is just that.
@rainbowbrite2200@xanga - That is very, very encouraging to hear that you have returned to the Lord!
@gabrielpeter@xanga - I appreciate that, Thanks!
When I was a teenager...I went through a lot of time searching for a faith. I'm agnostic. A teenager isn't a "teetering teenager" if they're questioning and finding answers. My mom respected my choices in my faith until the day she died. Being a teenager you're supposed to find yourself, and parents should be there to help and answer questions. My mom raised me well, and by the time I was 16/17, she said that she felt she had raised me the best she could and that she respected the choices I made for myself. I had a great relationship with her.
A teen can 'teeter' in different ways. I was 'teetering' on the brink of depression and dangerous sexual choices, when I stepped back and re-evaluated my life. By having the strength and support of my closest friends, I turned it around - and in doing so I left the christian faith of my parents. My mom is more pleased that I am a strong woman, loving mother and wife and healthy than she cares about my different beliefs. Sometimes being happy and healthy and remaining faithful do not coincide, and I think most parents would rather have functioning, successful and happy adult children. At least, I would.
So if a teen is teetering on the edge of faith but is staying true to themselves, sincere and seeking happiness and growth, I would not think that should be a problem in the family.
Maybe I'm weird but I never had a dialogue like the one mentioned here with my parents. Nothing at all like it. Ever.
i was a "teetering" teen, or whatever you want to call it. and honestly, i think that people who never were missed out. if you never question absolutely everything about yourself, how can you ever know beyond all doubt who you really are?
what does going out and partying have to do with losing one's faith? some of the biggest party kids i knew in school were, by day, perfect little Christian angels who sincerely believed in whatever the Bible or church told them to. they're the ones who got into heavy drugs, had kids by age 19 and are still working at Taco Bell. in contrast, i stopped calling myself Christian when i was very young. i didn't touch alcohol until i was 18, and my party phase was short-lived and incredibly tame in comparison.
being a trouble child and leaving Christianity do not go hand in hand. and a good parent should never force faith on their children. my parents are infinitely more concerned about whether i'm successful, healthy and happy.
I am a Dad of three. 19,21,and 23. We all went to church every Sunday since they were born. When they were old enough, they began to "help" at church by picking up the leftover bulletins and putting hymnals and Bibles back in the racks after service. Then they were acolytes. Later Junior Deacons. I never did "insist" they do any of this; they saw it as an opportunity to serve "their" church. When my oldest went off to college, she did not continue to go to church. She works weekends at the grocery store. She certainly still believes in God, but regular church participation is not in the picture. My next son stopped going when he was about 19 or 20. Didn't care for the minister or the message. There may come a time when he finds his way back. Normally that happens when you get married and are ready to start a family. My youngest is now in college, and sports preclude participation. His local church of our faith is quite elderly, not much in common or of interest for someone 19.
My middle one was the "at risk" child. I never forced or insisted, only suggested, gave reasons why, and let him make his own choices. Not just in church or faith matters, but in everything within reason. Normally I would set up two or three "options" he could choose from (all which were acceptable in my view) and since he felt like he "chose" his own path, he took ownership of it, and felt responsible for the decisions he makes. Not all have been good. Has had a few tickets, brushes with the law. Some lost friends, hurt feelings. Lost a few jobs, owes some people money. On the verge of getting his big screen repossessed. Sometimes you need to do it the hard way, learn there are consequences for your actions. The "Karma" thing is quite true; what goes around, comes around. If you are a jerk, eventually you'll get yours, too. He is a good person at heart, and in the long run, will be alright. But the path he has chosen is not as smooth as his siblings.
I cannot live his life for him no more than my parents could for me. The Bible tells us we are to train them up in the way of the Lord, then get out of the way. I planted the seed of faith, Biblical instruction, worship, and lived the Golden Rule daily in our lives. It is up to them to assess that philosophy, and choose whether to employ it in their own lives or not.
I think you should say something but not push it if they dont listen...cos one day they will wake up and listen and realize you were right
There's a difference between running a household and running a dictatorship. Allowing your child to make one of the most personal decisions he will ever make for himself is crucial. Most people simply do not believe in the Christian faith, and to insist that he does is setting him up for a wild period of rebellion once he's out of the house. There could be a much more peaceable transition if they were simply allowed to choose their own path, instead of there being conflict surrounding it.