Wednesday, 21 October 2009
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Noticing the Attractive People: Don't Look Twice
As a single woman I formed a bad habit that has now followed me into marriage. I wish I’d dealt with it years ago, but it took being married to bring the habit to light. You see when I was single, I made a habit of checking out attractive men. The habit wasn’t so much an issue of lust as it was an issue of pride. I wanted to see if guys would notice me back. I wanted the attention. Since it never went any further than that, and I was single, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me at the time.
The problem is that habits die hard.
Now, whenever I’m at the grocery store or the mall and I see an attractive man, there’s a part of me that still wants him to notice me. It’s totally absurd because I’m not actually interested, nor does his opinion even matter. I have a hot man at home who notices me every day, and I am committed to him. My reason for wanting this attention has nothing to do with the state of my marriage or how well my husband cares for me. It’s simply become a matter of habit that I reinforced over years and years and years.
Now some of you might wonder, “What’s so bad about a) admiring an attractive person in a non-lustful way, or b) appreciating it when someone else admires you?” The problem is that both of these supposedly innocent acts are really just smoke screens for the seeds of sin.
Proverbs 17:24 tells us, “A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.” If my marriage is healthy but I’m forming a habit of looking elsewhere, checking out the goods and enjoying attention from other men, what do you think I’ll default to when my marriage goes through a season of hardship? I will have foolishly created a coping mechanism outside of my marriage, and that can have devastating consequences. A seemingly innocent habit can lay the foundation for any number of tragic mistakes.
That’s why I’m teaching myself a new habit: don’t look twice. We can’t help it if we notice an attractive person. God created beautiful things and that’s a fact, but it’s how we respond to those beautiful things that define us. My husband often talks about me being “his standard of beauty.” That is to say that instead of comparing me to other women and noticing the ways in which I don’t measure up to the culture’s standard of beauty, he sees me as THE standard. Lucky for me, that means I always measure up!
I think it’s healthy for women to do the same. While women don’t tend to be quite as visual as men, we’re still bombarded with images of men with rock hard abs who have all their hair on their head. More than a few of us struggle with comparing the men in our lives to these unrealistic standards, so we need to make sure our husbands become our own “standard of beauty” as well.
And lastly, to all the single gals out there I can’t say enough that who you are as a single woman is who you will be as a married woman. Habits and behaviors that seem permissible now will follow you into marriage, so figure out what is beneficial for you and stick to it. The lifestyle you are creating for yourself now has the potential to either strengthen or sabotage a marriage. I honestly believe that more marriages would succeed if people had learned to do singleness better. So no matter your stage in life, don’t look twice. There are attractive people in this world, but keep wisdom in view. It is a far better guide.
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (22)
i think it's entirely relative. my boyfriend is the standard of perfection when it comes to the whole package...... but even HE has no problem acknowledging that some men are more physically attractive than he is. but he, being an intelligent male, knows that looks aren't everything.
also... i was quite the attention-seeker when i was single as well. it has nothing to do with habit.
First of all, this is part of the regular human condition i think, and God knows that we struggle with this. We do have to know what were fighting in this life though, but it is very hard to fight this, i know. I never did understand the saying, "He or She or I only have eyes for you" cuz its simply not that possible. It helps for a person to know that they only have love for their spouse in times like these I'm sure. I know its not much helps, and i have not much idea about this i guess because i am not with anyone; however, i try my hardest to control my eyes because I know that God will provide for me. Anyhow, I like to give me words when I think I can.
It's flattering when a guy (or chick even) checks you out in my opinion. I notice guys staring at me a lot, but who cares? Cool, they think I'm attractive (why, I don't know because I usually leave the house wearing yucky clothes because I don't care what I look like at school) but I don't let that bother me that I'm looking. Looking at someone and thinking they're hot isn't lustful. It's human nature to notice others and how they look and perhaps acknowledge that they look good. It's like acknowledging what others are wearing, their gender, and other stuff.
My boyfriend and I are okay with each other checking out other people because we realize it's just a common thing. But do we act on it? No! It's like, "oh cool she's hot, nice boobs, whatever". We don't get jealous; we can laugh it off and continue with our lives. I don't understand why people freak out over acknowledging someone else's good looks. It doesn't mean you're going to go have sex with them and cheat on your SO.
I don't think there's anything wrong with appreciating someone's attractiveness. It's sort of like a pretty piece of artwork, you just can't not look at it, but that doesn't mean you're going to steal it for yourself.
Even I sometimes check people out and last time I checked I don't care about romantic or sexual relationships with either gender. How could I be developing what you deem a "bad habit" if I don't want to start relationships with anyone in the first place? XD
I'm of two minds on this. I agree strongly with the overall concept, but I also think that as a single person, some looking around is a good idea in order to see whom you might be interested in. I strongly believe that physical attraction should be part of marriage, so it's not wrong to factor that in to whether you want to be in a relationship with someone.
What I feel like you're talking about, though, is the danger of looking to random members of the opposite sex to fill needs for attention and admiration. That's definitely something to think hard about.I do think that to some extent we all go through a time as young people where we wonder "Am I attractive to the opposite sex?" and I think it's part of the human condition to try to find out. However, as you highlighted, that can be a springboard for using attention from the opposite sex to meet needs that should be met by God and then by a husband or wife.
Bottom line: Good thing too think about, but I also believe some activities are permissible for singles that aren't permissible for those who are married. In other words, the fact that it's a bad idea when you're married doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad idea when you're single. I believe that as a single, looking that second time might help you find the person God has designed for you; however, if you become addicted to attention and approval, that's a habit that needs to be broken.
Major Props.
thank you for the encouragement! i've never thought about the fact that who i am now will be who i am when i get married, as far as habits and stuff like that go.
i don't do the looking twice thing, but i do have some things like that to clean up. haha and i thought they'd be gone after i got married. i need to find my wholeness in God first.
thanks again! i'm really glad i read this.
I've always felt that it's human nature to be attracted to people, but it's divine nature to not think anything more of it. I can look at an attractive man while at work, confirm my brain's suspicions that he is attractive, but not let my mind and heart form notions of "what ifs" and "maybes." It's not easy; in fact, I struggled with this through the first two years of my relationship with my boyfriend, but I know that I have to guard my heart, not just for the sake of my boyfriend and our relationship but for the sake of my sanity and out of respect to those men I see as attractive. I think that was a run-on sentence, but I hope it made sense.
Mm, interesting. Something for my mind to chew on. Thanks!
I guess what people just don't understand is that looking twice is sinful. Of course we're going to notice other people's good looks; it's impossible not to. But what is possible is to not let that first glance become a stare.
Anyway, I agree with you completely and I firmly believe "that who you are as a single woman is who you will be as a married woman." I wish other people would see this, as well.
I agree 100%. I've just confessed and repented of the very same thing: Confession: Cause for Shame or Cause for Revival?
Looking at an attractive person is not a sin. Looking twice is not a sin. If the vision of that person occupies your mind, if you constantly obsess over that vision, if you begin to think carnal thoughts of that person, then there is a problem. What of the young couple that falls in love with each other? She can't get him off her mind. She is the first thing he thinks of in the morning and all day, and the last thing he thinks of when laying down to sleep. They are sinning because they are visualizing a beautiful person and focusing on them? Revolving their lives around them? How did they meet and begin to like each other if they never look at each other more than once? What about a beautiful child? Does looking at a curly headed 6 year old playing teaparty make us pedophiles? Or babysitting and giving a 4 year old a bath? People do that all the time.
This whole premise is ridiculous. What, are we only supposed to look at ugly people? What is ugly or plain to one may be beautiful to another. The old adage"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" couldn't be more true. If looking at an attractive person more than once is an automatic path to sin, we should put our eyes out. The Bible says that too, you know.
Stating that we are flirting, sinning, whatever if we look at someone more than once is ridiculous. Geez, might as well get your burka's on, get your eye covers on. Sounds like a scene straight out of Islamabad.
Try reading Song of Solomon, where the author describes her breasts and so on, tell me that is perverted, tell me that is non-human, or sinning or whatever.
They key is balance. Do all things through the filter of Christ, in love for one another.
um i agree w/ you 100%...*fist pound* it's all about what you're feeding inside i.e. finding security/value in having other people check you out or looking at someone not *just* because you apppreciate good looks but to feed some other fleshly desire
and for those people who think it's not a big deal...well let's just say that it's always the little, seemingly "innocent" things that trip us up in the end. That's why I agree that it is appropriate to take EVERY thought captive, examine that sucker in the light of God's truth and standards, and make it obedient to Christ.
I know exactly what youre talking about. I'm married, but it's really tempting to see if that cute guy will look at you, jut to know you still have it. But really, it's not important at all. Just a game. Good advice, though!
Just because you look at the menu doesn't mean you want to order.
God spoke to me through this blog today. Thank-you!
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Looks aren't everything, but your boyfriend should know that just because HE thinks there's more attractive men than him doesn't mean you see it that way.
I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but, regardless of what anyone else thinks, MY boyfriend is the most attractive man. Ever. To me.
@toyouxwithlove@xanga - well of course.... but that level of attractiveness comes from the whole package. not just his looks, but his intelligence, humor, love, personality, etc. and my guy realizes that just because some guy at the pool has abs that can cut glass, that doesn't make up for the whole package.
I like your post :)
great point!
And encouraging someone of the other sex to respond IS tempting THEM to sin. Which IS wrong.
One of the reasons certain clothes should be avoided by Christians. Sexually stimualting clothing for either sex is potentially harmful to our weak brothers and sisters, and also shows us to be no different in Christ than unbelievers.
don't look twice and don't encourage others to look twice.
DO make yourself up for your spouse at home, though. There's ONE person that you ought to encourage to look until their eyeballs fall out!