By Matt at The Church of No People[Editors Note: This is a follow-up post to a recent article entitled Jesus Was a Scowling Heartbreaking Lumberjack, which was posted on Revelife last Monday and was originally posted on Matt's blog on Wednesday, May 1, 2009.]Jesus was a
real man. We established that on Wednesday. Just about everyone agreed wholeheartedly.
Kyle at
The Post Karmic Stream called me out with his great comment that it doesn't matter how 'manly' (by our standards) Jesus really was (though he was pretty manly.) What's important is how we represent him with our lives.
I'm glad to agree that we don't
need a hyper-masculine Jesus, because as it turns out, Jesus made a pretty fine woman too.
Jesus is a great example for guys to follow as men, as boyfriends and husbands. But where does that leave the ladies? Guess what? It looks like Jesus,
if he were a chick, would make a pretty rockin' girlfriend. Behold, Jesus' perfect feminine mystique.
Jesus: The Perfect Woman in 5 StepsJesus said what he meant. Nearly Universal Woman Problem #1: men don't know what on earth you are talking about. It starts out early. As preteen girls see how dumb the boys are acting, they think they should act dumb too so as to not seem contradictory that they have a slogan printed on their butts. By adulthood, girls figure it's probably okay to be able to do math, but there's no way they're going to give a guy a straight answer when he asks something like,
'What's wrong?' Wouldn't it just be easier to say what's wrong than play the endless
'Oh, nothing...' game?
Not Jesus. First, he wasn't afraid to show he knew his stuff. Second, when something was wrong, he called someone on it without blowing up into a hysterical screeching wench. This is one of the only ways that most women should be more like men.
Jesus was one of the guys.Saying that Jesus was a guy seems counter productive to women, but that's just how little
you know about being a woman! Guys are supposed to be gentlemen, but sometimes, itches, smells or sounds are just part of being around guys. Girls, you may think you are a precious delicate flower plucked by a unicorn from a dew kissed forest glade, but guys will never appreciate that if you can't deal with being around them. Being a 'bro' is one of the most important traits a female can have. If you choose to be a good sport and hang with hubby and friends for the big game, you should expect male things to happen and when it does, not say,
'How dare you break wind in my presence, you swine! I am a LADY!' If you can't deal with it, expect to hear a lot more of,
'Bring us more sandwiches, Squaw!' If you can deal with, your stock will soar with your guy.
Jesus hung with a bunch of guys all the time. A bunch were
fishermen: coarse, dirty men who were used to the freedom of the open sea. Do you think at least once, Peter or Andrew broke wind? Do you think the others may have laughed at it? Do you think Jesus squinted at them cockeyed and said,
'Guys...the Son of God is present.' Buzzkill.
Jesus didn't overstay his welcome.Some girlfriends get way too clingy. They fall desperately in love and don't figure out that guys need alone time. They feel they need to be the center of attention at all time. Then some of them actually trick a guy into marrying them, and they think that just because they live together, they should do
everything together 24/7, like wear matching sweaters.
Jesus came to town, stayed over a few nights, and moved on when the invitation expired. He didn't start using guys' toothbrushes or finishing off their favorite cereal or rearranging their DVDs while they were at work. And even when he was performing a
miracle, he didn't think the world had to stop because of it! Most of the time, he did it with no fanfare and told people to keep quiet about it!
If your guy is a good one, he'll notice you washed the dishes without you acting like you raised the dead! He may not say 'thank you' right away, but he'll thank you in some way down the line.
Jesus never whined.As much as women are told they don't need a man to figure things out for them, some just don't get it. As soon as problem arises, they interrupt the guy, who is right in the middle of a super hard level on his video game, makes him quit, and fix whatever's wrong. Then the guy realizes he is not a real man, so he calls one to fix his woman's problem. A real woman
tries to solve her own problems, then falls back on the guy, who will then be more than happy to oblige her.
Jesus was preaching to a bunch of people, and Philip starts whining about how no one has any food, and there's not enough money, and all they have is some lousy bread and fish. Jesus doesn't chime in with his whining,
'Oh no, whatever will we do? Mew, mew, mew' No. He rolls up his sleeves and MAKES DINNER FOR 5,000 PEOPLE ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE! Then he serves Philip his special order 'Whaaa-mburger and Cries.'
The lesson here is twofold. Unless you have
less than 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, don't talk about there being
nothing in the house. Dinner is served.
Jesus never nagged.This is huge and multi-faceted. Jesus never told someone what to do, then repeated himself 5 minutes later. If someone wasn't going to do what he said, he let them be
failures. He didn't go around shouting,
'Hey, I SAID give up all your possessions and FOLLOW me! Are you even listening?' Jesus didn't find men and try to 'change' them. He gave them enough credit to let them WANT to change on their own. If people weren't willing to change, they weren't worth wasting his time.
If you pass Jesus' five tests of babe-a-liciousness, you too can be a smoking-hot girlfriend or wife, no matter what you
look like. So start being a real woman. Like Jesus.
What does it mean to be a real woman to you? What is the most feminine of all characteristics? What did you think I was going to say when you read the post title?
Comments (30)
I whine all the time and I am not one of the guys. I suppose I am not the girl that JC would be. The lumberjack one was good, but this one is cliched silliness. Here is a secret: real men don't want a girlfriend who fits this profile. This would go over well on Mancouch. No real men there.
"all you do is nag nag nag!"
"heh, you nagger."
"what did you call him, you punk ass?"
"a nagger."
"okay, we coo'."
This is great satire! Women of the world hang your heads. A man has done it to us AGAIN!
The smart ones who went into hiding must be making a comeback.
I don't mind using satire to make a point, but I would say babe-a-liciousness, a smoking-hot girlfriend or wife, go over the line...We're talking about the God who is holy, holy, holy, in Whose presence we can only stand because God Himself had to come to die for our sin...
We must handle the name of God with reverence and respect...Hallowed be thy name...
@scrambledmegsntoast@xanga - I agree about mancouch. I stated that as a reason for why I didn't accept its friend-invite.
@naphtali_deer@xanga - Thank you for saying this.
Where is the reverance of a people who call Jesus, the Son of God, their LORD, and actually mean that he is their Lord?
Hey, thanks for the feedback. If you go to my blog, I think you'll find I am a true God-loving Christian and mean no disrespect to anyone, least of all God. If you think my wording is offensive, you're entitled to your opinion, and I respect that. There's just some girls that understand how to be great girlfriends/wives, and I saw some parallels with how Jesus interacted with guys. I had never heard of Mancouch, but just headed over there. Gotta say, I don't think I'd fit in at all there. Doesn't seem to be anything Christian about it in the 15 seconds I spent there.
...And as far as calling Jesus my 'girlfriend' and whatnot, that's just a veiled, and probably poor satire on the rampant use of Jesus by teen and college girls as a substitute 'boyfriend.' The language gets downright sexual, although in a PG sense, but it creeps me out.
"Girls, you may think you are a precious delicate flower plucked by a unicorn from a dew kissed forest glade. . ."
That quote made my night lol. Thank you.
I only write this because, as a man, I trust you understand and appreciate the value of blunt commentary. I do believe that you mean well and wish to communicate something profound and significant through wit and satire, so here's some unadorned criticism. Brace yourself.
In addition to having zero theological, spiritual, or even mildly humorous literary content, this post takes an interesting and valid premise (that Jesus is the perfect characterization of the feminine) and turns it into something horrifically tasteless. It tries waay too hard NOT to take itself seriously and efficiently emasculates itself of any power or meaning. How ironic.
I'm sorry, author/pastor Matt... jokes and parodies are fun and all (your last post was decent and got your points across), but the gimmickry here just reeks of self-importance, unapologetic chauvinism, and an attempt to throw yourself and your writing into the spotlight. The net effect is to throw smoke and chaff about in a way that obscures anything that Jesus really stood for. How sad.
Real satire draws attention to something deeper and substantial, but you fail to do that here by overplaying your metaphors. Your points here are really just saying that hot women should really just act like stereotypic men, a point you already tried to make in your last post and are obviously trying to milk for more props and comments. I don't say that lightly, but again, the utter lack of content makes it hard for me to believe otherwise.
Are you saying you would bang Jesus? Man, that's just taking it too far!
The title, even if it was trying to be satire, immediately set the tone for the article -- unproductive, unfunny, and tasteless.
Geez, y'all commenters want a little cheese with your whine? Can't see the humor? Who do you think invented humor? God! You think Jesus couldn't sit back and laugh with his buddies, tell "Yo Mama" jokes? Didn't have nicknames for his pals, like the "sons of thunder"? Do you think that the Bible and its stories totally capture the complete essence of who Jesus was while he was in human form and walked among us on earth? Just like everyone's biography completely captures who they were in life? Yeah, right.
Tasteless, unfunny, disrespectul, irreverent,? How about holier-than-thou attitude? All you self righteous, smug, heavy duty "look at me, aren't I a great Christian?" whiners need to go soak your heads. You remind me of the Reverend Mother in Sister Act, when upon hearing the news they were to sing for the Pope, asked the group to vote on whether they should sing a "more time honored, respectful, traditional selection", or Sister Mary Clarence's more "worldly music, no matter how inappropriate (paraphrase) please raise your hands?" and got a full facial when it didn't go her way.
I think the OP's piece was funny, poignant, thought provoking, while parralleling some of the greatest challenges between men/women communications. Just think of it as the 13 year old with his jester cap on, with his thumbs stuck in his ears waving his hands, sticking his tongue out and rolling his eyes. Lighten up people, smile a little, think on the issues raised in this refreshing light hearted bit of satire.
I'm very confused about what just happened, but I think I liked it?
Degrade women in the name of Jesus, rejoice!
Lulz insuperior people with vaginas. to hell you go!
@Ork58@xanga - yeah. I bet Jesus cracked titty jokes too. Good ole' Jesus!
that title just sounds so wrong....
@ShimmerBodyCream@xanga - Now, get your mind out of the gutter. Guys can hang with each other and have laughs, and they aren't always sexually oriented or off color. Who is stereotyping now?
@Ork58@xanga - Yep, you seriously have no clue what I was fucking talking about obviously.
The ideal woman is self-sufficient. I think Solomon covered that in Proverbs 31.
i think both of these posts are ridiculous.
My god...of all the things I've seen on Revelife, this is quite possibly the worst.
It's one thing to make parallels and ask WWJD, but it's a whole 'nother thing to actually say that Jesus would make a "perfect, smoking-hot girlfriend."
I doubt his fishermen friends would make vulgar jokes [think high-school] around him, and I don't think in anyway, if Jesus had been born...Jesussy or Jesusica or something...would she have been "smoking hot".
That would defeat the whole purpose. Jesus wasn't supposed to by physically handsome. Only radiant from the inside out.
@LoBornlyte@xanga - I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. Lullz. I like the letter change in your name; it looks a lot cooler. [:
I don't usually reply to posts or make comments about what I read as most is all just opinion not really backed by anything significant, but here you seem to be looking at the Bible and son of God as your examples. Yes Jesus was a man, yes he did all those things but he was the perfect man, and you sir are not, as no woman is going to be perfect.
1. "nearly the most universal problem"--- sometimes the problem doesn't involve you and you can't solve it, and sometimes we just want to figure it out ourselves, other times we know if we told you it might make matters worse. Its like those times we look at your faces and know there's a problem, but ya'll don't let us in, and tell us the same thing. ---Nothing2. There have been many times when I have voiced what I mean and get called an assortment of names, my question is, if you dont want the truth why ask the question?3. Hanging with the boys is fine and knowing that humans have certain functions that happen is fine, but if im expected to control it and be a "perfect woman" you can too. I have been told plenty of times "girls don't poop"... ummm yea we do and fart and burp and all the disgusting things that ya'll do we do too, if you cant hack me doing it in front of you, control your own.4. If you all need so much time, why am I being nagged as to why I didnt call, or who was I with? I need my God time, to reflect, glorify, praise and study, but instead I get nagged! Yes He is perfect and yes better than any man, but even Godly women will excuse the imperfections of their men if she loves God!5. There have been plenty of times, I climb on a chair and hammer a nail in so I can hang a pic, or I pull out the tools needed to spackle to fix a small crack or hole i find unattractive, but only to find that men around me feel like i have castrated because I didnt play the helpless woman role, and if Im not going to play that woman many times there is enough stuff for men to get their own dinner and wash their own dishes.6. If a girl is trying to change you and you are aware of it, let her know you are stubborn and not going to, because those of us who know God and have had friends of all kinds know that only a person willing to change will and only with His help.As no one is perfect and we will all fail each other, I find it offensive that you believed it was necessary to want to school women on how to be closer to perfection... sometimes we all need to look in the mirror before sharing our "infinite knowledge"!
I don't know the authors heart. But this one didn't sit well. Using Jesus name in an article full of satire just seems wrong! This is God the Son...Our sole means of redmption and eternal life! This feels like an article out of Cosmo magazine!
How Jesus can make you that smoking hot girlfreind to please your man: 5 ways that will make him love you forever! p76
Have you ever read something so bad it makes you feel a little awkward for the person? This entry did that.