Wednesday, 30 September 2009
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My Husband is Annoying
by Sharon Hodde Miller of SheWorships
Actually, my husband is NOT annoying at all. In fact, if anyone in my marriage is annoying, it’s definitely me.“My Husband is Annoying” is the name of a popular blog that is taking the blogosphere by storm. You can check it out here: myhusbandisannoying.com
The premise of the blog, which you can read in the “About” section, is that it’s written by a newlywed who had never lived in the same city as her husband until 2 weeks before they got married. And while she loves her husband and is grateful to be married to him, she’s also learning about all the “annoying” things that he does–such as leaving all his shaved whiskers in the sink, or forgetting to shower every day.
As simple as the premise sounds, the blog has blown up. The woman who writes it has appeared on Oprah, and she’s received a lot of press for it. Plus, women all over the country are now sending her pictures of their own annoying husbands. On “Photo Friday” she posts numerous comical pictures of husbands acting like dufuses, and women everywhere are bonding with one another over their common plight.
Now I’m not gonna lie–parts of this blog are hilarious. There’s one post that she wrote her husband blaming the dog every time he farts. I was reading it in Barnes and Noble and I was laughing so hard I was crying. The guy sitting across from me probably thought I was having a mental breakdown.
But without making too much out of it, I have to express some concern over the motivations behind this blog. While every woman can relate to the divide between the sexes (I’m certainly learning new and surprising things about my husband every day!) we stray into dangerous territory when we start belittling our husbands.
This blog might be harmless were this sentiment not a legitimate struggle for women. I find in myself all the time a temptation to be sarcastic with my husband. For instance, before the wedding I went shopping with my mother-in-law for her dress, and she found one that she really liked. The dress was pleated and had a pewter color to it, but when we sent Ike a picture of it, he shot it down immediately because “it looked like what Shredder wore.” (In case you missed it, that’s a reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) After getting off the phone with him I looked at a sales associate, rolled my eyes and stated, “He’s a guy. What does he know!”
I HATE when I do that! I hate when I talk about my husband like he’s just some dumb guy. He is NOT just some dumb guy. He is brilliant and attentive and funny and he’s got the most beautiful servant heart. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, which is why I married him. So why am I tempted to say junk like that?
Even in the safest of environments, there still remains in me a competitive spirit, a need to put others down to keep myself on top. And this plays out in my marriage as well. I want to be the sharpest, the wittiest, the winner of every argument, the one with the last word. But this kind of attitude is lethal for a marriage if it’s allowed to grow. These little sarcastic comments and jabs are like the “little foxes” described in Song of Solomon. In chapter 2 verse 15 we are advised to catch “the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.” Those little foxes seem harmless at first–not like a plague of locusts or anything. But after those foxes keep coming back, over and over again, chipping away at the blossoming vineyard, bit by bit–pretty soon there will be nothing left. We’ll wake up one day to find that the vineyard has been ravaged right under our noses.
That is the danger of these little jabs and remarks at my husband. I am chipping away, not only at the health of the marriage, but my own heart. I am assuming a posture of disrespect, teaching myself things about his character and nature that simple aren’t true. If I continue to do so, pretty soon I’ll believe them.
The women who post on this blog have been duped by the lie that our media is selling. Most sitcoms portray a gorgeous wife who is married to an overweight buffoon. Regardless of how skinny you are and how chubby your husband may be, this stereotype is a perversion of the truth. Women are not always right, always smarter, wiser and more attentive. We are all fallen people who mess up, and we deceive ourselves by placing the weight of that brokenness on another person’s shoulders. We are contributing to it just as much.
The little foxes are the ultimate destroyers of intimacy. This is true of friendship as well. If we want to have authentic, self-giving, loving relationships that reflect the heart of God, then we need to guard our tongues and take seriously the jokes that we brush off as seemingly innocent. Not only does my husband deserve far better, but that is the last thing that should characterize the people of God. We should be known by our love, not our sarcastic blogs.
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (27)
Humiliating your husband publicly, or just giving a little jab, is about the worst thing you can do. Hurting a man's pride is just as bad as kicking him in the groin. In the past, this was a mistake I made, and it is a terrible idea. Ladies, build up your men, and if you must criticize, do it reasonably and in the privacy of your own home.
Great post, and so incredibly true. It's time we celebrate the godly men around us and recognize that we are all equally fallen.
All this shows is that you best get to know your husband in every way (and yes, even sex is fine) before you marry him. Otherwise you might be stuck with the biggest nuisance of your life.
Bravo on the post. I think the same goes for guys towards their women.
Great job.
–such as leaving all his shaved whiskers in the sink, or forgetting to shower every day.
psshhhh if she thinks THAT is annoying... wait another couple of years :P
There are some people who use sarcasm as an expression of love (although there is such a thing as taking it too far) but I definitely see what you mean. Somehow I imagine if it was the other way around, and a husband was writing a blog called "My Wife is Annoying," he wouldn't be receiving positive press and appearances on Oprah, but lawsuits instead.
I think it works both ways BUT the insightful question is what do you do to annoy your partner? Teaching pre-marital classes this is one I pose to engaged couples. If we keep it light in our own private conversations we can laugh and not sweat the small stuff but be wary of using sarcasm or complaining frequently about one's partner in public will damage the relationship in the long run.
i'm not about to even touch the issue of the women who comment on the blog making sweeping generalizations about half the human race, but what i am going to say is: i love the premise of this blog. thanks for the link, i'm bookmarking. ;] should i ever choose to marry, i would hope i don't suddenly forget how important a sense of humor is to me--both my own and that of my potential partner.
I just checked out the site, it is kinda cute. But I hear what you are saying, too much "in fun" joking is bad news.
One of the best posts I have ever read. I was married to the woman who used sarcasm, who belittled, who criticised literally everthing I did, for 17 years. I couldn't even diaper my son correctly, she would have to "re-do" it. I tried through counseling for over 5 years to improve things, and found that you cannot overcome a pessimistic, negative person no matter how optimistic you are. You can't do it. I finally divorced, the hardest thing I have ever done. I was one that believed in "one partner, one lifetime". But mentally I could no longer stand the strain. I was able to create a safe haven for our kids, so they could just be kids. They didn't hear "No", " of course not", "you can't" at my house. They heard "of course you can!.", "Why not try this?", "lets go for it!", and other positive affirmations.
Criticism and sarcasm will kill a marriage and scar a kind heart. I have never remarried, and really don't date, I am pre-disposed to believe all women are hateful and sarcastic, belittling and critical like that. I know that is not really true, but when you have been beat over the head with that for 17 years...it's pretty hard to look past it. I just pray daily that God would heal me, prepare me to possibly have a loving relationship with a Godly woman, an optimistic person who can give a word of encouragement now and then. It would sure be nice to hear "good job", or "I am glad you are in my life", or "I am proud of you" from a spouse. The one person who is supposed to love you more than any other. I hear those words occasionally from my kids, and they are like gold. And I used to from my parents, when they were alive.
Ladies, re-read this post. You have no idea how critically important your attitude is towards your man and your marriage. Sarcasm and critcism will kill your relationship. Or at the very least it will damage your loved one and scar them, badly. Men's ego's and self-portraits are very fragile, and you can do permanent damage with careless words and thoughtless actions.
Great post. I wasn't aware of the blog you mentioned until reading your post. I agree with you. I also agree with a previous comment that it cuts both ways. Men shouldn't be critical of their wives either. I found it's better to say off the bat that I practice Buddhism in case I write something that could easily be misunderstood. When we (Buddhists) are faced with an annoyance, be it a wife, husband, boss or coworker, instead of getting into a confrontational relationship with that person we chant (pray) for that person's happiness. Simplistically, this has a twofold effect. The first is that as we start to pray for someone's happiness we humanize the person and begin to think of possible reasons they act with animosity toward us. We don't know the experiences another person might have gone through to make them the way they are. We also might realize what it is in us that brings out that side of a person. For example, why is the boss nice to my coworker but nasty to me. Is there something in my life that I need to change? In any case we are now focused on the happiness of another person. The second is that somehow it happens that when next we see the person we are already feeling differently toward them and they somehow feel that change. It doesn't always happen overnight but it happens as we persevere. So that is some advice. Pray for the happiness of your husbands and husbands do the same for your wives.
A good friend of mine in a workplace is married with two sons. A woman at work who was about to get married asked him if there was any advice he could give her. He thought for a moment and said, "There's only one thing I can say. Don't Nag". He said nagging will destroy a marriage more easily than anything else. He told me the woman's face looked like a light bulb went off in her head. She told him she knew exactly what he was talking about and said she was not going to be a nag.
There are a lot of things guys can do to better things in a marriage but that's for another post.
One last thing. A few months ago I read an article about the dangers of blindly accepting Oprah's stamps of approval. Apparently many people believe that if Oprah gives a guest's product or methodology her endorsement it's good enough for them. The article however pointed out some trendy products and programs that Oprah endorsed on her show turned out to contain hidden dangers and even Oprah later distanced herself from them. I don't know what Oprah had to say about the blog in question but it's possible she substantiated it by highlighting it on her show. I know she's a good person and does a lot of charitable things. It's just that not everything she gives praise to should be used without further scrutiny.
maybe an obvious point..... just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to find them perfect in every single way. NO ONE is perfect 24/7... and no one should have to be. i do things to annoy my guy, and he calls me out on it (in public or otherwise). when he annoys me, i do the same in return. i consider that to be a lot healthier than believing that every single moment, he's going to be wonderful and loving... and then making excuses for him when he isn't. we both value honesty over respect. sometimes, he's a total jerk... sometimes, i'm a complete bitch. it happens, and we get over it.
@TheSutraDude@xanga - In regards to what you said about chanting or praying for the happiness of a person who is becoming really annoying, I have found that to work wonderfully!! As a Christian I have tried following Jesus' instruction to "Pray for those who hate you." What you said about it humanizing the person is so true. I've even befriended a few people who I had initially felt utterly antagonistic towards due to their hostile or negative behavior. It's amazing what concentrating on the good for another person will do for you!
Anyway, as far as the topic of this blog post goes, I couldn't ever make an entire blog about "annoying stuff" my husband does. I would be able to come up with a list at least equally long of annoying or potentially annoying stuff I do. (I'm the one who leaves hair in the shower when I forget or accidentally uses his toothbrush on occasion.) I'm a lucky wife who has an emotionally available, kind and sensitive husband who helps with dishes, always does the vacuuming and taking out of trash, and generally splits household things at least 50/50 with me since we both work and are both in school. How could I complain about him, especially when he is constantly going above and beyond what my hopes and expectations were for married life? I have no desire to grouse! I think I have a more considerate husband than most, but building him up in front of others helps me, too. What I write or say affects me and my perceptions of him. Even if I say a couple of disparaging things about him, say, to my mom, when he isn't even around, I feel the negative effect and I'm more likely to be annoyed by something he does. It's a crazy cycle. When I build him up, I literally feel happier and more satisfied because I'm staying aware of how sweet, loving and helpful he is.Perhaps it works well for the woman who maintains the annoying husband blog because, even though I'm sure it's all in fun, the more things she writes about, the more she notices! She loves him, too, but I know myself well enough to know if I personally did something like that it wouldn't help my attitude any. I want to cultivate what I understand to be a loving outlook on my husband. True love is patient and kind.
Nice post.
And for the record, I would have been all for a wedding dress that brought Shredder to mind. Most baller villain ever.
@DistantStarlight@xanga - As to what you said about praying for others, that's great. What is the expression? Preaching to the choir.
I did get the clear impression from your story that you have a wonderful husband and that you appreciate him. That's also great and a little too rare these days. I agree with everything in your reply to my comment and want to tell you that your husband is also a very lucky guy!
Wise Words :)
Kudos for you for telling the REAL truth behind the seemingly unhurtful lie.
May God direct, keep, and bless you and yours, and do so in greater measure because you are sharing his wisdom with us all,
Totally agree with this post!
Sharon Miller seem like one cool lady with a heart of gold for God :D
i want to be like her when i am a wife- to make an effort to respect my husband.
because,afterall, men love to be respected, especially by their wives. And it's the main commandment God gives us wives in the bible :)
@SerenaDante@xanga - i think you need to read your bible
@tiffy4jesus - I think you need to think for yourself =)
@SerenaDante@xanga - I trust God's ways above my own. Afterall He is the one who designed me, loves me unconditionally, and has a great plan for my life, and He gave so much for me. Id rather trust God's decisions than my own.
This is the first I've heard of that blog. I visited it. I was kind of appalled. You see, I've lost my husband because of stuff like that. I would give anything to have him back, and have things be as they should have been, and I would treat him well and never do things like that.
It's very sad when that kind of attitude is accepted. It's everywhere. The advice my parents gave and that I try very hard to stick to is that any complaints or problems need to stay between the two of us, period. If I am in a situation where I need advice, I can talk with my husband and make sure he's okay with me discussing the issue with someone else. (of course excluding the obvious situations where a woman would need to talk to someone against an abusive husband's wishes)
My parents said that they flat out would never listen if I wanted to whine about him. I think the same thing should be practiced in all our relationships. If it is a problem important enough to address, address it with the person. Get advice first if it is just so complicated and important that you must, but address it then let it go. Otherwise, forgive the person or just learn to appreciate their quirk.
@Ork58@xanga - Thanks for sharing. It's good to be reminded of the weight of my words.