Monday, 28 September 2009
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Prayer Style and Marriage: A House Divided
For 10 years I lived alone. It got to the point where my house was deathly silent and I was okay with it. I didn't fill the void with needless noise. Over that period, I started internalize my prayer time. It was an hour drive to work, almost regardless of which store I was working at, and so I would use the time to address prayer matters -- just set my day before the Lord and thanked him for his bountiful graces. Well, after extended periods of time habits become your nature and soon all my prayers were silent addresses to the Holy one. And soon thereafter, I started praying wherever I was, whenever I knew there was need, just between God and myself. Home, work, play, church --- there was no place where I haven't prayed at some point.Well, something else started forming during that time. Something I will merely label "Trust". In trusting that God had an answer, I started praying about matters only once. I had faith / confidence that God heard my prayer, knew what was best, and that it was best to leave it to his care. This didn't happen overnight, and it was never something I talked openly about. Kai (my wife) is the only person who knows these two matters about me, and it honestly frustrates her.
You see, Kai craves prayer time with me. She is right to; I am her husband and my responsibility is to her and to our family's spiritual growth. But ten years worth of habits and character building are hard to undo. Most of the time I find myself praying silently and praying about something only once. It's not something she's ready to follow me on.
I never questioned my prayer life before, never had need to. I knew it was different --- I have heard time and time again people praying for the same matter, as though the Lord has not heard or did not care to answer. Often I have wondered if what they really want is not what the Lord thinks is best but what THEY think is best and they press forward towards that aim in prayer. That's a topic for another post I suppose. I knew my manners of prayer were different and I didn't preach them to others. I kept them hidden in my own prayer closet as it were and I never tried to judge a person for their prayers. Each person stands or falls independently before God, so who am I to question your manner of reaching out to Him?
I know there are passages in Scripture about prayer, Jesus' teaching in Luke 18 tells of the widow who through persistent badgering finally wins over the judge so as to hear her case. James talks about the effectual FERVENT prayer of a righteous man. Likewise, Paul urges us to pray in all things, and in everything give thanks. Thus I know that there is something to be said about persistence and consistency to our prayer lives, yet here I am praying about things once, and leaving them in the hands of God as it were.
Am I wrong?
Because of Kai, I now question my approach to things, not because I doubt but because I never expected the need to change and now that there is a need to change, I find myself content with where things are. I pray when I need to. I ask the Father to deal with things according to His perfect will, and thank him for answers yet to come. It's worked wonderfully over the years --- I've seen marvelous answers come, merely by leaving things to his care.
So today I open myself up for critique. I also open myself up to several of you thinking "but I thought you said you were "pray-ING" for me"... thinking that I had covered a matter over and over until some answer had arrived. I prayed, and knew an answer would come, as it always did.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, what are your thoughts? What are your own prayer lives like? Does anyone else out there follow the same path of praying once and letting it go?
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About the Author
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- From: JulieMillerFan@xanga
- Name: Wayne
- About Me: I am not an easy person to pigeonhole down to a few adjectives and descriptional phrases. I am an adventurer, willing to surrender all I know in order to go where I've never been... as long as God has clearly told me to. I am a wanderer, realizing that nothing on this world is permanent or worth attaching my heart to. I look for something greater. I am a philosopher, delving deeply into the workings of my heart and reporting clearly the good and bad I find there. I am a worshipper, knowing the truth which HAS set me free, and bowing before He who died to show me that Truth.... Himself in all His Glory. I am a lover, first to my God, then to my wife, and then to all others. I am a child.... amazed in wonder at how beautiful things can be, and trusting in my Father to protect me by His strength. and all of this only scratches the surface.
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Comments (18)
Rom 8:26 "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;"
Eph 6:18 "With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,"
Jude 20,21 "20But you, B)'>beloved, C)'>building yourselves up on your most holy D)'>faith, E)'>praying in the Holy Spirit, 21keep yourselves in the love of God, F)'>waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life.
Brother, I hope to encourage you; the Father in heaven hears your prayers of faithfulness in the Spirit. Do not doubt your prayers, and also, do not be afraid to pray as the Spirit teaches you to pray. We learn all things through the Spirit of God; His guidance, teaching, and Word.
Teach your wife to pray-always just as you do, and as Paul said that though he pray in tongues, it would not be beneficial so he will pray with the mind also-- doing both-- so also with your wife, you pray inwardly, but also outwardly for your wife.
Blessings in Christ,
Brother
I don't think your wife is asking you to really change your style of
prayer, but that you would set some time for you two to pray together.
Sorry, I can't really explain any further because I can't really explain it myself (if that made any sense at all x_x).
@deepestrecesses - I love this comment! I'm glad that it's the first so everyone will see it.
@sailorsakura9@xanga - Thank you.
My original post had a radically different title to it: A Unique Perspective on Prayer
It was not my intent or implication to say my marriage falters because of the prayer issue, and the re-entitled post seems to imply just that. My house is not "divided" nor is my marriage in trouble merely because of prayer.
The little bit of editting that ReveLife did with the main body of the post is decent enough, they left my thoughts pretty intact and only took out a timeline-comment or two --- but please, do not assume the title to be in any way / shape / form indicative of where I intended this post to be taken. I was openning up on matters of prayer to hear others thoughts --- not looking for marital counselling because things are falling apart.
Thank you one and all ---
The author.
I like your method of only praying about something once, and your reasons for it. And there is nothing wrong with praying silently. But there is something wrong with ONLY praying silently. You need to unite your voice with your wife in talking to God, and I think you know this. She can't do that with you if she doesn't know what she's saying, of course. Really the only thing you can do about this is spend whatever time necessary to get out of the silent prayer habit -- NOT that you should not be praying silently in the car or praying wherever you are, but that you should be able to switch out of that into praying aloud with her. Then for the praying once: obviously if you have prayed about something already but she wants to pray about it with you, there's a problem. It seems to me that you could consider it acceptable to pray about something a second time if you are praying about it with your wife because she hasn't prayed about it yet with you. Jesus does suggest that "two or three gather in my name." It's not a magic formula for getting God to do what you want rather than what he wants, but is instead about growing together as Christ's body. The Christian walk is not just about you and God -- it's about you, God, and other people. For that reason I don't think it would be a lack of trust in God if you prayed about something twice, the second time with your wife. It's new to her, and you are not just asking God -- you are asking God together. And of course prayer is not only about requests but about praise. You can give Kai a lot of prayer time with you by praising God together.
My marriage became appreciably stronger when my wife and I started setting aside some regularly scheduled time for prayer and Bible study together. Do it.
For the practical and spiritual side of prayer, read anything you can find by R. A. Torrey or Andrew Murray. (Or E. M. Bounds or George Muller or....)
On my way into work this morning I heard an interview with a couple (he's a former ABC executive) who are passionate about couples praying together. They are challenging couples to a 40-day commitment to five minutes of daily prayer as a couple. They talked about how praying together daily builds intimacy and shared vision.
Seems to me that you have learned some important things about prayer, but there's plenty more to learn.
I think praying once could be right and wrong, depending on the situation. You wife may NEED to pray for something more then once. I know personally I can give God a situation and through the day slowly take it away from HIM again. I then need to give it back to Him. Prayer helps me refocus back to God. There is also the praying for somene else' daily struggle or encoragment. It's not that God doesn't hear us upon the matter the first time, I think He wants us to care for each other daily.
I never really thought about it until reading this, but this is EXACTLY how I pray too. I don't think to pray multiple times for something because I've already told God what I feel and I know the end result will be his will. It's interesting reading the comments and trying to augment my view on prayer. (I do occasionally identify with @Frogiehiphop@xanga, when I'm struggling to truly give something up to God.) Thanks for posting!
I am kind of struggling on the opposite end of this spectrum. I have a bad habit of basically begging in prayer and I don't know if that is a good thing for me to be doing or not. I have been working hard at trying to only ask for things once.
However, I don't think the amount of times that you pray for something or whether it's silent or outloud has to have anything to do with praying with your wife. You can still meet her desires for prayer with her husband just by praising God. You can never praise God too much, He loves to hear it. You don't have to ASK for anything, let your wife do the asking as she feels she must need to do and you can praise in prayer with her.
Last nite God and I had a rather long and substantial argument so I am not sure where I fit in this. But I appreciate the way you pray. After years of meditation and inner transformation I have found a way to appreciate praying once for things and repeatedly for some things. I think it's good to do both because it's just about faith, it's also about intimacy and relationship and sometimes it takes a while to appreciate Being himself. In prayer we have a unique opportunity to relate to God as he is w/o any interference. It takes a while to get used him, if anyone ever does. Keep doing what u are doing.
p
@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - George Mueller ---- wow, what a prayer life!!!
I'm actually a Church history buff, having spent 6 years (on my own, not in college) studying the likes of Origen, Ireaneus, Polycarp, Clement, the Shepherd of Hermes, Augustine, Luther, Finney --- you name it.
The joke among my friends was that their reading habits started 100 years ago and came forward, mine started 100 years ago and went back. It wasn't until 1992 that I even cracked a book from this century (C S Lewis, Mere Christianity. Man could he think.)
Nevertheless, R A Torrey (Former president of Moody Bible Institute) was amazing, and Andrew Murray --- well, haven't read him yet.
Find the Book "The road less travelled" small book, powerful thoughts on prayer.
@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - BTW / FTRecord --- George Mueller prayed for the same thing every day for 62 years ---- and he was quite the man of "Faith". @Frogiehiphop@xanga - Seems to me that if his prayer for the salvation of his friend kept him at it for that length of time, @Roadkill_Spatula@xanga - maybe I do have another thing or to to learn about prayer still.
I don't think there is anything wrong with your prayer style. However, there is a certain level of intimacy that a couple shares when they pray together, that I believe your wife is seeking from you. My husband rarely ever prays with me, either, and this is truly my desire of him. So maybe even just to keep (or gain) that kind of intimacy with your wife, maybe give it a try for a while, and see how it goes. I think you might be surprised how she responds to you!
I don't want you to think that I am suggesting you pray only to please your wife. I am not, at all. Still spend your private prayer time, like you already do. But, maybe just give your wife that time, as well, in addition to your private prayer time. What could it hurt??
I am right there with ya, brother.
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