Tuesday, 22 September 2009
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When You've Been Hurt, How Do You Forgive the Unforgivable?
Despite our many differences in belief, thought, and lifestyle, there is one fact that unites us: we've all been hurt, somehow, sometime, by someone. How do we forgive the person that hurt us, the seemingly unforgivable? People can be very cruel to each other. Between child abuse, rape, ID theft, murder, lying, unkind words, adultery, spousal abuse, and countless other sins, we have perfected the art of hurting each other. How are we supposed to react to those who have hurt us? Here are a few of the things the Bible says about forgiveness:Proverbs 25:21 "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;" (NASB)
Matthew 6:15 " but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (ESV)
Mark 2:7 ""Why does this man speak like that? He is blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" (ESV)
Psalm 51:4 " Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment."
To figure out what these verses mean, let's take into consideration the last verse, Psalm 51:4. It is an interesting verse, written by David after his series of sins regarding Bathsheba. To summarize, he slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant, lied and tried to cover it up by trying to get the husband to sleep with his wife so that the husband would think that it was his baby. When the cover up did not work, he had the man killed. After David was caught in his sins, he wrote Psalm 51, saying to God, "Against you only have I sinned" He doesn't seem to acknowledge the other victims; he seems to be saying that God is his only victim.
Another of these verses, Mark 2:7, says that no one can forgive sins but God alone. If only God can forgive sins, than why are we told to forgive the trespasses of others, in Matthew 6:15? While this could appear to be contradictory, I don't think they are. If we "forgive" someone, than we are not doing anything more than what God has already made available to the person. When we "forgive" the person and share the love that God has for the person, we share the attitude that God wants us to have. If we withhold forgiveness, we are placing ourselves in a position that only God holds. God is the just one; God is the one that has been sinned against, by withholding forgiveness, and we are committing the sin of idolatry by making ourselves God.
We are told to forgive the person, because it doesn't cost us anything. God is the one who made the laws, and He is the one who created us. Sin is the transgression of God's law, a violation of God's rules, and, depending on the sin, hurts one of God's creations. We are not the one who created everything, who created the law, or who is being hurt by the violation of it. God is the one who is hurt by sin. It doesn't cost us anything to forgive, because we are not the injured person; God is.
God wants us to forgive, because if we do, we share God's love with the person and in a sense witness to them. If we don't forgive, than we sin ourselves, by making ourselves God.
Now that we know a little bit about forgiveness, let's go back to the original question. The heading of this post, asks how we forgive the unforgivable. We do so by realizing that:
1. We are not the victim, God is.
2. God has made a way for the person to be forgiven.
3. By withholding forgiveness, we make ourselves God.
4. By withholding forgiveness, we sin ourselves.
5. By forgiving the person, we show them the love of God.
Once we realize these things, we have no choice but to forgive because the matter is out of our hands. God has chosen to extend forgiveness to this person through the death of Jesus Christ; we have no say in the matter, so we might as well forgive them.
Do you agree with this explanation? How easy or difficult is it to forgive those who have hurt you?
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- From: ProudToBeAChristianFruitcake@xanga
- Name: ProudToBeAChristianFruitc
- About Me: The name for this site was taken from a conversation where someone told me that all christians were crazy and were fruitcakes. I figured if he is correct then I am proud to be a christian fruitcake.
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Comments (12)
This is a good explanation of why we forgive. The how can be messy and complicated, but it is incredibly rewarding as we experience God's healing of the hurts inflicted on us.
This is actually an interesting blog :)
This is really interesting because I recently got hurt by a person.
I've forgiven him, even though I was really awkward and hurt, because
it's what God would do. Honestly, when it comes to being hurt,
especially if it's not something outrageously serious like abuse or
violence, I don't even hesitate to forgive. I know it's what I must do.
But I'm still thinking about the situation and it's still making me
feel awkward and hurt. Is what I did really forgiveness? I'm not going
to hold it against him and I'm trying very hard to be absolutely
normal, but my thoughts keep going back to it and it makes me feel kind
of upset. When we ask God for forgiveness, He gives it to us and is
willing to forget our transgressions. I feel like my forgiveness is
inadequate in that I keep thinking back on it. But I'm also human, and
it's inevitably painful when the people closest to you do things to
hurt you. I know that if I hurt someone, I'd be so gracious for them to
just let it go and accept my forgiveness, just the way I'm so thankful
for God's mercy. I don't know. I guess I should just pray for the
strength to forget, but I feel bad about not being able to extend that
full depth of forgiveness.
But I can imagine how terrible and difficult forgiveness is for victims of terrible abuse, and I truly admire those who find the strength to do so in the example of God.
Forgiveness is hard, but good. It is also necessary for reconciliation with others and with G-D. We can and should forgive everyone. I recently wrote a post about forgiving everyone called Why Not Forgive Everything?
"We are told to forgive the person, because it doesn't cost us anything"
I disagree with this. It costs giving up our revenge, negative attitudes, and many similar things. Sure G-D has more to forgive and it's a bigger deal for him but it's a big deal for us too. I know you aren't trying to belittle our need to forgive but I don't think it is right to say forgiveness doesn't cost us anything.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - good point
I think forgiveness can be a life-long process, depending the on the degree of the offense. You can forgive a person today for their transgressions against you, but tomorrow you will probably have to do it again. And the day after that, and the day after that. Any time you are reminded of the anger you felt, the bitterness, the suffering, you will probably need to start the process again. Forgiveness is NOT an easy thing, but it's definitely easier than dealing with the bitterness for the rest of your life I think. Because forgiveness isn't crippling.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - That is not a cost.
cost= price or sacrifice. giving up negative attitudes, revenge, and similiar things, only makes us feel better, lightens our burden, and reduces stress, there is no sacrifice there.
When was the last time that you got an item for free? say a buy one get one free item. would you say the free item cost you anything? Was it a sacrifice to get something for free?
When I buy something for $5 it costs me $5 I have to sacrifice a lincoln. Giving up a negative feeling about someone, does not cost me anything, it makes me feel better, there is nothing lost on my part and in fact I gain something.
I stand by my original statement.
@ProudToBeAChristianFruitcake@xanga - Agree to disagree I guess. I don't think something has to be good to be sacrificed. Sacrifices can have positive outcomes even if what we give us is a negative. Simply because giving something up blesses us does not mean it is not a sacrifice. Sacrifice is sacrifice because we value what we give up and there is difficulty in giving it up.
Dictionary.com defines sacrifice as "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the
sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." (Definition 3; The first two were concerned primarily with animal sacrifice).
In a world that thinks "an eye for an eye" is justice, giving up your right to the other person's eye is a sacrifice because you're giving up your power or leverage over that person for freedom (that belongs to both of you). Often, people prize that power over others because we're selfish. To give up that is selfless, difficult, and costs us power. I'd be willing to call that sacrifice.
It is just this kind of blatant ignorance that perpetuates the pain that child abuse survivors and others who are horribly wounded carry with them throughout their lives. There is a difference between the depth of pain one experiences, depending on the violation committed against them, and the emotional work required to get to the point of forgiveness. For example, a friend disclosing a something you told them in confidence, is much easier to get to the point of forgiving than a friend sleeping with your husband or wife. And those examples don't compare with the emotional work required when a friend or family member kills another friend or family member. When a parent makes a child's life a living hell every day of his/her childhood, affecting every aspect of that child's adult life, it requires an in-depth examination and understanding of those aspects. It also requires one to be allowed to feel the hurt that was perpetuated on them. Only by doing this kind of emotional work can one arrive at the point in their lives where they are truly ready to forgive.
By making emotionally shallow blanket essays about forgiveness, such as the one above, you make forgiveness a matter of just doing, and then you promote the idea that the sin was not against you but against God, which I find somewhat insulting. I know people who are Christian and profess to have forgiven those who have committed such deeds. I have seen what happens when they attempt to forgive without doing the emotional work described above. They still feel like crap and conclude something is wrong with them, because they forgave and put it in God's hands. Then they internalize the pain and it comes out in the form of depression, or alcohol and drug abuse. Many end in suicide.
I am not saying one shouldn't forgive. At the end of the healing journey they must embark on, there will be a time where true forgiveness is a healthy choice.
Artie Louise
Child Abuse Stories
Good post...!
It took me a long while to forgive specific individuals, but Christ finally got through to me...
I forgave them all, however, I also shook 'their' dust off my feet too !
Being thankful it happened to me. Because I'm strong enough to grow and survive and learn. when it may break others.
and i'm a spiritualist not even christian ;p