Recently, my boyfriend has admitted to me that his father is physically abusive. I always knew that his father was verbally abusive to his family and a bully. He's the mayor and treats everyone like dirt. Alex, my boyfriend, told me stories about what his father has done and I've heard some from Alex's friend. I've tried to convince him to press charges against his dad but he's afraid his father will kill him.
I've never liked the man much before. Jesus calls us to love even our enemies, but now every time I see him I want to claw that smug look off his face. It's just not fair that everyone is afraid of him so he can get away with whatever he wants. I've never hated anyone before. How do you love someone who hurts someone you love? (I'm not in love with Alex, but I do care for him. I love him as a friend, and his mother, who takes the worst of Alex's dad's anger, is such a sweet woman) I've always been the protective sort of person. I've never cared much for what people said about me, but when they bring someone I care about in the mix, I get angry.
The funny thing is, if it was me he was hitting, I could forgive him. I wish he would hit me. I would show him not everyone's afraid of him. But when it's Alex he's hitting and screaming at.....I hate the man. I absolutely hate him. I know it's a sin but I don't know how not to.
What do you think? How do we find strength to love people like this? And what does that love look like?
Comments (15)
Well my mother and I have had such a difficult relationship because of this.
I do love her in that I do not wish anything bad to happen to her, but I do not let her into my life.
I think the two are totally different things. Loving someone does not necessarily mean you have to let them in your life.
its not always like that...i cant love my father
I love my husband and he has an anger problem. He has hit me, and shown signs of showing abuse to my son when he cant' handle his anger. He always puts him down and walks away though. I confronted him and made sure he went to a counselor, doctor and other social service people just to make sure we get all the help we can. I know it's not necessarily your case, but I was abused as a child verbally, sexually, and physically. I actually hate my mom in ways for saying that man was more important than we were (her kids). I am really the only one who talks to her. My siblings were sexually abused by my father who left before I was even 6 months old. I still talk to him too and love him, but I won't let him near my son. My mom has issues. She is codependant and can't help that. She left my stepdad after 21 years and became a lesbian because she'd been tired of abusive men.
They were all unwilling to get help or recognize their problems until it was too late. My husband is no child molester but he has his moments of rage and he acknowledges it and has gotten the help he needed to learn to contorl himself. Truth is, as long as this man is unwilling to get help or admit he has a problem there is nothing you can do but pray for him. God can change him but you have to protect yourself and the others he is in contact with until he does.
Hate is murder in the eyes of God. You have to ask God to help you see him like he sees him. It's a tough prayer, but God doesn't say that it's okay for you to love only those who are your friends or at least good people. He says to love your "enemies" which means those you hate or who hate you. He's talking about the difficult ones to love. Truthfully, only GOD can help you do it, you can't do it on your own. You have to WANT to please GOD though, not this man.
My father was abusive to my mother and I and honestly, I will never show any kind of love towards that man. The only person he truly cares about is himself.
As the Christians say, "Love's a choice."
There're a few things that you have to keep in mind to control your anger; 1) people do not become abusive out of the blue-- when they have failed to cope or reconcile past situations they develope these kinds of personality traits, usually over many years of being unable to handle "life". 2) Love does not mean being "huggy" or "buddies" with someone. There are many kinds of love and one way of loving someone is doing what is right for them. 3) The extent to which you can help this man (show love) will be restricted by the extent to which you can forgive him and handle the situations objectively.
So, if the extent to which this "mayor" physically abuses his family is accurate, then you do need to bring it to the attention of someone capable of handling the situation-- NOT to hurt the man, or disgrace his name or embarress him (which will also embaress your boyfriend), but to help him and get him the kind of corrective treatment he needs.
Remember, there is no excuse for beating a family member, but when Jesus said to love everyone, one of the ways he meant it was being able to understand that people face all kinds of personal nightmares that cause them to make very poor choices in their life, some of which negatively effect us, and it is up to us to forgive them and still seek to do what is best for that person regardless of our own feelings.
To love an abuser, one needs to understand how one is fully capable of doing what the abuser has done (or worse) and also to understand that it is God's grace that prevent one to do the same. In fact, by the standard of the Scriptures, when there is hatred, the victim or his sympathizer has already murdered the abuser (i.e. worse).
Also, to love the person does not mean we have to be complacent with what the person is doing. It can love love to tolerate and it can also be love to discipline. If the Christian Church can intervene, steps are given to us in Matthew 18:15-20. If this is in a non-Christian context (excommunicated and/or non-Christians), the civil authority should be notified such that the problem of the person can be taken care of properly. It is love for the abuser when we find way to let him/her face his/her own problems and receive proper help.
You can love someone but choose never to be around their sorry ass and condone their behavior.
how do you love an abusive parent or husband? you don't, unless you forgive them.
Until this man finds the security he needs in Jesus' work on the cross he will continue to behave this way. So that should be your focus and that of his son, especially if his son doesn't want to continue the cycle. The sons must forgive the fathers with the strength that comes from the only purely good Father. This is one of the most difficult things for many sons to do, but it is crucial. We tend to become like the ones we refuse to forgive.
Get away from the abuse and abuser to a place where there can be enough quiet to spend much quality time with the Father being reparented. In the case of the abusive spouse, distance is also important. It shows the abuser that, though they are responsible to protect you, since they are not doing so, but instead abusing you, you will take up that responsibility and let God be your protector. In the mean time, pray for the abuser to be healed. Forgive them and ask the Father to teach them new and better ways of handling their insecurities.
@GodsBelovedAng@xanga - "You have to ask God to help you see him like he sees him."
Indeed! This is absolutely crucial! Nothing changes until this takes place!
I think those abusive parent or husband they had their mental problem, maybe cause of before he also got the same experience so why they also get the bad attitude from their parents or what... I think this kind of problem better is stay away from the abusive person or find a counseling professional to comfort the abusive person...
If it is abusive parent or husband, I will straightly said about their bad attitude, and I wont let him to hurt me anymore, because I'm not a child anymore, I'm adult ad, I got the power to solve this kind of case, they cannot because of everyone know his attitude and just show the bad attitude to others, it is not a correct way...
They can release stress cause of abusive person, but what did the person will feel when you abuse him/her, he/she will also get hurt, and he/she already got hurt for xx years, do you think them they are not hurt? Cause of your abusive they do not have a normal life...
I think even though is a enemy, we still can forgive them... don't talk about parents or husband somemore... so if me I will try to change this situation, kill people? impossible, you still got hand got leg, if he hurt you, you still can attack, defense.. I was really forgive my enemy before and help them when they are having problem.. so... try your best.
My father was abusive. To me and my mother. And in the end, my little sister.
I refuse to let him in my life anymore.
He doesn't want me, I don't want him.
I gave that situation to God since I started church and feel so much better about it.
I don't even think about him anymore.
I remember there was a time when I would go with my sister to visit him & almost beg to be hit so I could try and kill him.
I would run my mouth all the time.
But forget those memories. God has them.
My dad was severly abused as a kid, beat, locked in closets, verbally abused and put down by his playboy, alchoholic father ( and mother). I never met my grandfather, but it seems as though, based on what my mom tells me, ( dad doesn;t say too much about it), that "gramps" was very selfish and did not really like his 2 sons carmping his liefstyle very much. Before I was Christian, I was very angry at him, as I see all the scars still in my Dad's life, I wanted to confront him and beat his face in like he did my dad's, but....fortunetly for him he had already passed away, perhaps completely oblivious to the emotional damage he has done to other human beings lives. I think we need to pray for abusers, but also pray that we seek the Grace necessary to be able to forgive and not want to revenge these people.
BTW, I am very thankful, that my Dad never abused me, or my Mom who was his HS sweetheart, and he is truly my hero. In spite of what he had to deal with as a child, my childhood has been blessed, and I will be eternally gratefull to God for giving me my Dad.
My prayers are with all of you who have been abused, and for the abusers that they come to repentance and forgivness in the Lord.
my dad used to be physically abusive to my mother and eventually to me as well.
this is what brought me running to God.
there were times in my life I wanted to kill him..
but it was strange because I saw a good, normal, happy side to him and then the other dark abusive side.
I prayed for him for 13 years on and off..
and my father came to Christ this February.
there is always hope,
both for you who can't forgive and for he/she who needs to be forgiven.