Rather prudish title, no?
I'll try to make this as un-prudish as possible. I've been thinking over my reasons for not having sex till marriage. This is a commitment I've managed to keep my entire 27 years of life, and I'd hope it was obvious by now that it's important to me. There are several reasons for this: some are religious, some practical, some emotional...but over all it's a very important decision I've made. I know this isn't a popular stance or choice, but all the same...here we go:
My Devotion to GodThe defining element of my life is my faith in God. God is unimaginably glorious and complex, and faith in Him is so simple. I trust that what he says in the Bible about me, my purpose for being here, and how I am to live my life...and I trust that these things are the best for me. They may not be the most fun or instantly gratifying, but they are the best. The Bible gives every kind of indication that sex is only to be between a husband and a wife. I believe the Bible is true...and therefore, I choose to follow it.
Hope for a Future HusbandI'd by lying if I said I didn't want to get married. I most definitely do! My trust in God is that he will provide me a husband at the right time and place. My choice to stay sexually pure is out of love for my future husband. I want to be able to totally give myself to him and him alone. I want sex to be our biggest secret together. I him to know that he's the only one who knows me in that way. The modesty of this kind of intimacy is delicious, in my opinion. The very fact that he will be the one for whom I've saved myself...well, the thought gives me joy. I hope that to him it will be a very precious thing.
Intimacy
For me, getting close to someone takes a lot of risk of emotional hurt. I don't enjoy getting my feelings hurt occasionally, but I do realize that it's part of any relationship of substance. Boyfriends and girlfriends can hurt us the most (said as a single person), and that's said of kind of intimacy I've had with past boyfriends whom I've only hugged and kissed. I have absolutely no desire for what it would take to get
that close and vulnerable with someone who hasn't committed to stay with me for life. I don't think my heart could handle the pain of giving myself like that, and then them leaving me.
Mystery and LongingI was having a discussion with a friend today. He was talking about proposing to his girlfriend soon. They live together, and have been having sex for quite some time. "Why get married?" I asked him. He had to think about it for a while. Then he replied "I guess girls just like that kind of thing...I don't know."
Sex without marriage takes the mystery out of the relationship. It takes the longing out of it. Men and women are made for sex, they are made for relationship. But we are also made for marriage.
Girls...if you give it away so easily, if you allow a man to use your body for his own pleasure without marriage...you are giving him NO reason to marry you. Why should he? Marriage is hard. Lots of men fear commitment. Why would he commit to you if he can have it free and clear?
Health and PregnancyObviously, you can get pregnant if you have sex, as well as a slew of nasty diseases. Who wants those?
But beyond that...sexuality is is so complex and precious and powerful. The creation of another person is the thing risked. When a man and a woman join together as one, the power of the creation of life is mingled between them. How can we play around with that? When I offer my body to my future husband, he will have the opportunity to join with me in creating a life. Birth control issues aside...how dare I take that kind of power lightly? That power is given by God and is eternal, and marriage is the safe haven for it. A cheap motel, the back seat of a car, a sweaty romp...anywhere but marriage is cheating ourselves of the beauty of that kind of opportunity. I don't care how progressive society gets...no one looks favorably on an unwed mother the same way they do a married one.
Am I a prude? Maybe. But no one has ever told me they wished they hadn't waited to have sex till marriage. I'm banking that my choice is a good one.
What do you think?
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Comments (62)
"Girls...if you give it away so easily, if you allow a man to use your body for his own pleasure without marriage...you are giving him NO reason to marry you. Why should he? Marriage is hard. Lots of men fear commitment. Why would he commit to you if he can have it free and clear?"
this is definitely true, especially if you just have sex with random people (like a lot of girls i know). do they think that makes them desirable? in my opinion it just makes you not worth marriage if they can get everything they would get in marriage without buying the expensive ring
hmm i don't know it depends.. sometimes ppl say it's better to get practice so it doesn't hurt as much, but then i do understand the concept of wanting to wait and most likely i will
Excellent post, and I am with you. Keep it up.
Everybody has a choice.
I just have to add: a man should want to marry you for more than you sexuality. Just because you've had sex with him doesn't all of the sudden deem you worthless. If that is true, there is nothing stopping him from leaving you within marriage, or straying.
I agree-- while a lot of people will try to down-play the importance of remaining chaste, they will say that practice is valuable, or that your body is your's to do with as you please; but you are staying faithful to the calling of faith that you have received from God himself.
While remaining sexually pure in this society is hard, seeing people of our age make such a strong and bold stand for purity gives me quite a bit of hope.
Every blessing to you as you continue.
I waited til marriage...I was 25 years old. I have no regrets, neither
one of us wishes we practiced ahead of time(with each other or anyone),
and I can't imagine it being nearly as special and enjoyable had we not
waited. I see nothing unhealthy in learning and figuring out sex with your life partner, in fact I think it is a wonderful thing.
Good article! I love your thoughts and ideas.
The way I look at it, virginity is a kind of gift. You can only give it up once. I want the person I give it to to be the person who means the most to me. Nobody is more important than the one I mary, and therefore, the one I marry will be the one who recieves the thing which I can only give once.
You can also juxtapose it... make a list of things you can only give once:
your virginity, your life... I actually can't think of anything else you can only realistically give once... That's pretty powerful.
Like was said earlier, personal choice. People put too much emphasis on sex in our society. The whole pregnancy/STD thing is really what sells the idea of abstinence. I didn't wait. I'm not even Christian, but I can see the value of this. Waiting for the results for STD tests are scary, hahaha.
People have no idea what they've lost by making sex trivial and virginity meaningless. All of your points are important and well stated.
I didn't wait til marriage. I had sex with my last two boyfriends. I ended up regretting it and fell into a period of depression and self-mutilation. I turned back to God, though. I became a re-virgin. He forgave all my sins and healed my broken heart. He gave me the best friends to stay on the right track, and out of those friends he gave me my current boyfriend. When we started dating, I was worried that a.) my boyfriend would feel cheated that I slept with those other boys and not him, b.) he thought I was loose and wanted nothing but sex, or c.) because he's a virgin and I'm not, he would feel like I was beneath him. In truth, he was actually honored to be the first serious boyfriend I refuse to sleep with. And, because we're waiting, I can trust that he's not with me just for my body. I'm happier with him than with anyone else. He's a perfect gentleman.
@Roadkill_Spatula@xanga - Well, in defense of the other side here, it could be said that "they" don't know what they've "lost" by not having a regular and fulfilling sex life. Neither side ACTUALLY knows what the other has.
Except, again, the STDs.
I agree with you completely. Good post!
"The very fact that he will be the one for whom I've saved myself...well, the thought gives me joy. I hope that to him it will be a very precious thing."
That made me even more happier and proud to say, "I'm waiting."
I'm 17 turning 18 in about 4 months and I have to say, although I am not at your age yet I'm very proud to say I'm still waiting for my husband and I will not settle for anything less than what God has for me.
Alot of people look down on me for not "Living life to the fullest" But the thing is, everyone has thier own ways of living life to the fullest. My version is living life for me right now. Not for anyone else. I'm getting to know myself better so I can tell my husband who I am. I WANT to wait untill marriage. Yes I'm Catholic and everyone thinks THAT'S the only reason, but it's not. for MY own morals I want to wait. And ESPECIALLY after seeing what my friends have went through after giving themselves to "love" before marriage. I don't want that. I don't ever want to say I regret giving my love to a man. I've already done that with kissing. I couldn't bear the thought of giving my love to a man I don't speak to anymore and have him take what's mine with him.
I'm not a fan of re-gifting my love. Nor will I ever. It's 1 gift, and the one who tries the hardest to keep me in his life forver with commitment involved and wants to be my husband forver gets to have it, keep it, and say it's ours. :]
definatly wait for marrige, I made the mistake at the age of 16. It was wrong on so many levels but also becuase i never loved him. Or the others. When you find that special someone talk with them and make sure you both are willing to wait, if even one of you wants it dont back down. Read the bible or listen to chrstan music. Once getting in the habit of sex. it will be ver y hard to back down.
@Babylons_Crowing@xanga - I don't know anyone, among my married friends, who expresses regret at not having fooled around more before marriage. I know many, many, many people who wish they hadn't been sexually involved before marriage because of the baggage it brought to the relationship---even when it was with the person they ended up marrying.
I agree that virginity is important as are your choices relating to it. I didn't wait. I can't say that I regretted it. Things, both good and bad, have happened as a result, but I wouldn't change my decision. It is possible to have sex before marriage and not trivialize it and I don't believe that having sex before marriage necessarily makes it meaningless.
I agree with everything you said, great post!
I can't really speak on any other point, as I do not adhere to the Christian faith, and all your other reasons kind of are based off of that. However, I'm going to agree with what I think some other commenters have already hinted at- people NEVER get married because they want to unlock the 'mystery'. And if they do, I can guarantee you, they'll get divorced within six months. There is nothing mysterious about sex. Sex itself if a dirty messy business. Fun, yes. Wonderful, amazing and with the huge potential to be emotionally bonding, yes. But, not mysterious- and if you get married to someone who only wants to get married because of the sex, well, have fun.
I am getting married to my fiance (we are living together) because we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We love each other and want to raise children, have a home, and build a life together.
Yeah. I just disagree with that entire reason you stated in so many ways. Perhaps read it over again and think it through- I'm hoping you didn't mean to say it that way? Or perhaps you just didn't think about it before you wrote it.
I would like to throw my 2 cents in here. I waited until marriage, so did my hubby.
I firmly believe premarital sex is a generational curse. Meaning that if you have sex before marriage, your daughters are much more likely to do so.
My birth mom was 18 when she had me. I decided at 11 to wait until marriage. 2 men tried to take that from me, but by the grace of God they were stopped.
Now we have stopped the cycle of premarital sex. That being said, if our daughters or sons decide not to wait, that is a decision they have to live with but they will feel no judgment from us. We will love them no matter what, but its our prayer and hope that they wait.
Does being a virgin on your wedding night make things awkward? Heck yea.. but if both hubby and wife are virgins then you can be awkward together and then you have the rest of your lives to practice.
"Girls...if you give it away so easily, if you allow a man to use your
body for his own pleasure without marriage...you are giving him NO
reason to marry you. Why should he?"
sounds like you know only some very sleazy guys. why would i want to be with someone that would ONLY marry me to have sex?
my boyfriend and i didn't wait, and we're still crazy about the idea of marriage. why? because it's about commitment and love... not sex. seriously, give men some credit... and hold yourself to a higher standard than someone who would only walk down the aisle with you to get laid. there are TONS of wonderful men out there who don't think less of women who aren't virgins on their wedding nights.
you should long to be with your future spouse for a lot more reasons than wanting sex. if that's all that drives you two to spend time with each other... damn, i'd hate to be in that relationship.
on a side note, you can still get STDs when you're married. just because someone waited for you until marriage, doesn't mean they won't cheat. in my opinion, it'd make it far more likely... especially if you two turn out to be sexually incompatible. that's why i chose not to wait. nothing seems worse to me than waiting til the wedding night, and finding out i can't stand sleeping with him.
Girls...if you give it away so easily, if you allow a man to use your
body for his own pleasure without marriage...you are giving him NO
reason to marry you. Why should he? Marriage is hard. Lots of men
fear commitment. Why would he commit to you if he can have it free and
clear?
while i respect your decision, that was a horrible reason. you speak of giving "it" away as if "it" were only something women did for the pleasure of men, and from which women derive no pleasure themselves. you you deem it at least mutually satisfying, you wouldn't say a man was "using your body." would your husband be "using your body," too? the argument that a woman is giving a man no reason to marry her if she has sex with him is only valid if you assume men want marriage solely for the sex. personally, i think that's pretty demeaning to men, and i think there are many reasons a man may want to marry a woman. so he can sleep with her is nowhere near the top of that list, and if it is, i think that's pretty shallow. by using sex as a means of making a person commit, you are manipulating said person. do you really think he wants to commit if you're holding that over his head? wouldn't you rather be with a person who will love you and commit regardless of the promise of sex? essentially, you're making marriage out to be the promise of sex - as if that's all you have to offer. you know, 'cause if you offer it before, "you are giving him NO reason to marry you." no reason. forget about heart, character, strength - it's all about the sex.
"My choice to stay sexually pure is out of love for my future husband. I want to be able to totally give myself to him and him alone."
^ That's exactly why I'm waiting. Well written, wish I could give three kudos :D
that's beautiful.
although i'm not so sure about the whole 'a guy not having a reason to marry you other than to have sex with you' thing, but i get what you're saying. it is a gift that should be saved for your husband on your wedding day. i am very sad that i didn't wait.. not so much sad for myself.. but sad for my future husband :(
Very well written. I totally agree!! God will completely and totally bless you and your future hubby for waiting for each other!