I would also say stay away from platitudes when heavy grief first comes. Keep things simple, feed them, love them, and when you can do the most important thing. Listen. If you are extremely empathic then I would also recommend grieving w/ and for them depending on how the spirit lived. Learn about the professional mourners of Jesus' day. They knew what they were doing and offered healing for those that had suffered loss. Ask really good questions, like what do you miss?... What r u afraid of?... Hugs are great too. Physical touch can be a great medicine for those suffering from grief. When it's appropriate help them laugh.

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Hug  me.  Tell me you  love me.  And stop at  that.

I heard everything you could think of when  my son died, and none of it helps.   Most pissed me off.  10 months later, and there's still a bunch of stuff I don't want to hear.  If the grieving person doesn't share your faith, you're probably going to just drive them away.

@wherever_we_go@xanga - I agree with the no time frame for grief.  There have been so many times when I have had people make comments that amount to "get over it"

I lost my husband and young sons' father 14 years ago, and people, at first, were wonderful.  But grief takes a long time, and people who have suffered a loss continue to need love, support, hugs and you remembering their loved one months, years down the road.  With us, the first three months we were showered with love and support.  There were also many promises and plans made and offers for help, time spent together, etc.  that never materialized.  If you make an offer or a promise to a grieving person to do something with them, for them, with their kids, please make sure you follow through.  The sense of abandonment one feels after a loss is only magnified when plans are broken, promises unkept.  Include the grieving person in your social life and family doings - just because they are not part of a couple anymore does not mean they cannot be your friends as they were before, and does not mean they want to be recluse and not go anywhere or be with people, as when they were a couple.  Get over your uncomforbableness and just reach out - and be consistent and follow through.  They do not need more of a sense of abandonment than they already feel.

Someone from my home church had lost her husband to cancer a few years back. I'd remembered seeing her in Bible class a few times. I called her up, told her I'd heard about the loss, then later, after she described her grieving process to me, I read Psalm 77 to her. (42-43 and 130 would work, too, when dealing with someone in your own denomination.)

When my father died I was bombarded by well meaning Christians who kept reminding me that if I needed anything I shouldn't hesitate to inform them. Even people who had never given me the time of day in the past came out of the wood work to smother me with their comfort.

 I mean constantly someone was there with the oh so vague offer "if you ever need anything, just let me know". What the hell does that mean? How does that do me a damn bit of good?

What I needed was a drink, but I was at a strict Bible college so that wasn't going to happen...

Some of the best comfort I received was simply good friends hanging out with me, not because they felt sorry for me, not because they noticed my existence once tragedy struck, but just to be hanging out. Not bombarding me with questions about my feelings or what it was like to watch my father die, but to just let it come out as I allowed. The very fact that they were there with me in such a time was a comfort.

A few months ago I looked through a box of cards I received after my fathers death.
 I remember some of the most comforting ones were the ones that called me mean names and said goofy things that had nothing to do with my loss. All of the ones with Bible verses and little blurbs about how they felt when they lost a loved one, as well intentioned as they were, just didn't help much.

So to sum it up, just be there as you normally would, and go away if asked to.

ty for this