Thursday, 27 August 2009
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A Response to Should Christians Divorce
Like Cecilia, I read the blog asking whether or not a man should divorce his wife. Its the same question my family has been asking for the last five years.
I know this man's pain. Hopefully, he doesn't have children because otherwise it could be twenty times worse. Trust me. As a child stuck in the middle of a nasty separation and trying to shield my sibling from the whole mess because he has serious issues adapting to change, its incredibly hard to comprehend why God has put our family in this situation.
When my mother first told me that she and my father were separating it was unbearably hard to comprehend. Perhaps what made it so difficult was that she felt ,and still feels, that God was the one who told her to divorce my father. She felt a calling from God to return home to Texas where two of her brothers live, so that she could regain the support and love that she has not felt from my father. She claims that her soul feels empty and that she's been tired of living without joy in her life. Although she keeps professing that God wanted her to marry my father because she was supposed to give birth to me, hence giving her the inspiration to start a foundation which has become her life's work, but why would He give her a marriage what wasn't passionate and for a lifetime?
I know that everything is for a reason, season, or lifetime and that God's plans are always unknown, but why would He do this to my family? Over time my mother would use me to receive the emotional support that she didn't receive from my father. When I went to college and she couldn't use me for comfort, she started seeking solace elsewhere. It was no surprise to hear my mother confess that she had cheated on my father and thus the reason for their separation. I can rationalize the reasoning behind why she sought physical connection with someone else, but as a semi-Christian family she should have sought God. She didn't trust God's calling like she out to. But the point I'm trying to make is that had she trusted this call from God we could have been a happier family much sooner.
I love my mother. She's the one that gave me life, but I just don't comprehend why she would let her faith be taken over by the sins of the felsh. So as one who is in the middle, here is my advice to this man:
If you feel that God is telling you to divorce, DO IT. Don't hesitate. God's plan is always shifting. It's not worth torturing yourself, or your future children, by punishing yourselves because you are afraid of being judged by other Christians. My family has suffered greater pain by trying to adhere to Christian edicts together then it would have been had my mother followed her heart when I was in high school, before she cheated on my father, before I had to bear the weight of her loneliness and longing, before I had to witness all the devastation that has occurred in our family.
I know that He is guiding us. That we'll get through this mess and pain, but some days I can't help but question why He allowed this to go on for so long. I now live in a house full of tension and mistrust. The bible may say that once you marry it's forever, but I believe there is such a thing as Holy Divorce, its just not supported in the bible. If you truly have a strong relationship with God and you listen to his calling then there can be no reason why a divorce wouldn't be right in His eyes. Trust your heart, listen for His guidance, and don't be afraid to enact it. It's just better all around if you do, trust me.
So what's your opinion? Should we placed God's voice and influenced above the bible or should families like mine live in pain while adhering to old law and never divorce unless abuse or sin has occurred?
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About the Author
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- From: Graceful_Timber
- Name: Kaelin
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Comments (25)
Divorce is such an ugly thing, and it hurts so many beyond just the couple getting the divorce that when it can be avoided that's what I recomend.
But unfortunatly that can't be the case with everyone.
oh seriously comon! let's put it this way... God's voice is echoed through Scripture... what God tells us will be things that will NOT go against that of Scripture...
I totally see what you are saying and coming from. I am also a child
of divorce and I know how rough it can be. My Father emotionally
abused my mother for years and was very controlling. The thing is
though they never got any counseling because my father refused to go .
They could have reconciled but didn't which is sad. To tell you the
truth I was actually kinda relieved when they got a divorce because the
yelling and screaming stopped , plus I wasn't stuck in the middle any
more. No Kid should have to go through that.
I don't like
divorce and believe it should be avoided at all costs but everyone's
circumstances are different and sometimes if you have tried everything
and can't reconcile then I guess a divorce is an option. I do believe that
God can release people from bad marriages if all routes have been taken
, though with that said I can see how people can get confused because
of what it says in the bible. ( I do believe that the Bible is the holy word of God) The only reason for divorce it gives ,
is adultery . But what about abuse or other circumstances? I really don't know , we just
need to rely on God's wisdom with such issues .
And here is the problem of doing what you feel God is telling you to do. God is never going to tell anyone to break a marriage vow. There are reasons for devoice (infidelity) but feeling empty inside is not one of them.
@tillseptemberends@xanga - abusive husbands (whether physical, verbal, or emotional and even sexual) must be confront by men and elders of the church that the wife can and must go to in the event this happens... this is how the church is run according to Scripture in that men talk to men concerning issues such as this kind of sin... and if it gets down to it, excommunication from the church till the husband repents... the key to restoration is in fact genuine sincere repentance...
I have to disagree with you in saying that God can release people from bad marriages... He can, but He won't because it diametrically opposes His Word and if we as Christians believe the Bible to be the inerrant Word of God, God won't contradict His own Words by any stretch of the imagination... which is why in my comment prior to this response, I have no problem with separation for a season of apparent and abberant difficulty, but divorce is never the solution to this... and I unapologetically say this all starts with the man and ends with the man... if the man is abusive, the man must own up to this sin and his sin and repent and ask for forgiveness and reconcile... if the man repents, he can go back to his wife and journey down the road together to work through issues... if the man does this and in turn full on follows Christ as what His Word says about the duties and responsibilities of a husband, then it will be the man who works to toil to save his marrage and in turn ultimately his family... but divorce is never the case partly because God never did no matter how adulterous or abusive to God we are (us abusing God... funny concept to picture I know, but think about how we at times treat God)... and marriage is the reflection of Christ's heart for His Church.
"The bible may say that once you marry it's forever, but I believe there
is such a thing as Holy Divorce, its just not supported in the bible."
if it's not supported in the Bible, then it isn't God's plan.
"Trust your heart, listen for His guidance, and don't be afraid to enact it."
the
problem with trusting yourself if that likely you are relying on
feelings rather than actually listening to God. divorce isn't supported
in the Bible, following through with it is almost never the right
option. only in those cases specified by the Bible.
It's incredibly hard to comprehend why God has put our family in this situation.
The mother and father put the family in this type of situation, not God. Quit blaming God.
And it wasn't God who told your mother to divorce her husband. God works through covenant. Marriage is a covenant. When the bride and groom make the promise, "''til death do us part," their marriage is exactly that; a covenant that lasts 'til death.
God cannot violate himself by advicing a spouse to break a sacred covenant.
This does not preclude separation. If there is abuse and misery in the marriage and all options have been exhausted then separation may become a necessity.
But both spouses are bound by covenant and may never remarry. This is a hard teaching. Marriage is a covenant that may only be broken by death.
@leadworshipper82 - I totally see what you are saying and pretty much agree :) I didn't really clarify myself real good and I am sorry if I gave the impression that I believe in divorce. I only believe in it when the spouse who is the abuser/adulterer refuses to get help or turns away from Christ. But otherwise Divorce is a big no no .
Ok/ So question for everyone...why don't you believe that God can literally speak to us? I fully recognize that the bible is taken as the word of God, but why can't He have a psychic connection with people? Surely He isn't so busy running the heavens that he can''t take the time to tell my mother in dreams or while communing with natre what direction her life is supposed to lead. I know that my family may not be the most bible devout and that we're are more liberal in terms of how God communicates with us, but why can''t He tell my mother what she's supposed to do? He communicates with me on many different metaphysical levels yet He is still my God.
@Graceful_Timber - I fully recognize that the bible is taken as the word of God, but why can't He have a psychic connection with people?
God can do anything he wants, communicate anyway he wants. But to recognize his communication one must understand his teachings. That is how we know it is our deranged mind influencing us and not an inspiration.
Saying that "God told me to get a divorce!" is a delusion. Divorce is not permitted for an orthodox Christian.
When you've got parents fighting, drinking, beating the kids and then you say, "God, why have you done this?!" That is also delusion. For clearly, the turmoil is caused by human beings.
To discern the movements of God in our life takes a clear mind.
@Graceful_Timber - What a tough situation. It must have been very hard and must still be quite painful. :/ Especially having to support your mom and deal with the pain of infidelity.
I think what these people are saying is not that God cannot or doesn't communicate directly with us in various ways. I think rather what they are saying is that He would not or doesn't in his communications with us contradict what He has already laid out in the Bible. I mean, I'm not them, so I can't say for sure what they meant, but that's what I take them to mean.
i'm probably going to sound harsh.
your parents' divorce isn't about you. you are not "in the middle" of anything, and whatever you may be bearing pales in comparison to how your parents feel. they are two individuals who had a relationship long before you came into the picture. and they are human beings with personal lives and feelings you probably know absolutely nothing about. their lives are falling apart... have a little empathy.
kids like to think that parents exist solely for their benefit... and they forget that they're people too, with their own lives. i felt the same way for a long time about my parents' divorce. but after becoming an adult myself, i understand the situation a lot better. and as hard as it was on me, i'm very glad that my mother had the strength to do what was right for her..... because if she was not happy with her life, she would have been incapable of teaching me to be happy with mine. sometimes, you have to do what's right for your own life FOR the benefit of everyone around you.
@trunthepaige@xanga - I totally agree.
To the author, I think you need to take a look at the "does God actually speak to us directly" entry here , since what you say seems to fit in with viewing personal emotions as God's illuminated truth. God doesn't contradict Himself, and He said "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the
ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever
marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (Matt 5:32). So unless someone is being unfaithful, God is NEVER "telling" someone to get a divorce.
What about parents who are not in good terms? I don't think God wants that to happen.
Divorce... Yeah it is an ugly monster. And I would absolutley be telling you a lie if I said I understood what it feels like, having never been married and having parents who are still married today. But do I think that Christians should or shouldn't do it? I don't really know. Everything is not for every body. Sometimes, and this is just my theory; it's not that GOD speaks and says a person should get a divorce. Sometimes I believe that it's the change that the person has to make in their lives for whatever the reason, and the divorce should a person choose to do it, is merely a part of this change, this long process. Fortunately God gave us freewill which it what we should excercise in the long run.
@leadworshipper82 - To automatically blame men for abusive and divorce situations is incredibly shallow and narrow minded. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and either of them can break their vows. It isn't always the man's fault. Go back through your diatribe and reverse the genders. It works both ways.
As a divorced man who didn't want that, it frustrates me to see you paint all men as evil and responsible for divorces. My spouse was unfaithful to me, not physically, but mentally. She substituted other people (our children) in her life as her partner and focus, I was excess baggage. I was, am, and continue to be, a great Dad to our kids, and involved in their lives on a daily basis. She finally got psychotherapy and on medication which, while not getting her back in the middle of the road, at least got her out of the ditches.
Yes, I had to initiate the divorce, she wouldn't. She didn't want to be "responsible" for breaking up our marriage, she wanted someone else to blame. I was to blame for everything wrong in her world as it was, what's one more thing? Our lives were hell. The kids were so stressed they were literally pulling their hair out. It took a good Christian counselor to help me see that I was doing no good staying in the same household, defending the children against her psychotic and sometimes physical anger and violence, that in fact, I needed to establish a separate residence, a safe haven where our kids could be kids, have fun without stress, feel loved unconditionally (not just when they met her "standards")
Hardest thing I have ever done. Flew against the grain of everything I had been taught about marriage; staying in there, working toward a solution, etc. But it takes two, and when one person simply doesn't want to, and works against the counselors, against Biblical advice (from our Pastor, and Elders) torments their spouse and kids, then you have no choice. I couldn't stop to think of myself, I had three kids to care for. I had to do what was best for their mental (and physical) health and well being.
You can beat me over the head with the Bible. You can throw Scriptures at me all day about how I sinned, did it wrong, missed the mark, etc. And at Judgement Day I will stand before God and explain what I did, why I did it, and take responsibility for it. And if He condemns me to Hell, so be it. But I know that my kids are thousands of times better off for it. I could see it daily in their stress levels, school work, interactions with siblings, reports from their counselors and psychologists, etc. I provided a place for them to relax and be kids, to play without fear of repercussions if the milk got spilled, where they heard, "Yes, you CAN do that. Sure, why not? Lets try something new! Lets all work together, then let's play together. Lets have a family meeting and make this decision together. Yes, you CAN have a horse (my daughter when she turned 14) Yes, lets get some BB guns and practice in the pasture. Let's get a motorcycle and learn how to ride. (Now we all have bikes and ride together whenever we get the chance) and when they were older, "You bet, lets get an old car and restore it" and more.
Each family situation is different. Our Bible is a handbook on how to do it right. It warns us of the repercussions of when we do it wrong, and instructs us on how to get back on track when we derail. It speaks of forgiveness, love, repentance, submission, etc. Am I supposed to every remarry? I don't really know. There are passages in the Bible that go either way. A lot of the admonitions about divorce and remarriage centered around the culture of that time. One of the reasons it was expounded on a lot was, there were a lot of men abandoning their wives for younger women from other tribes or cultures. There was also slavery, harems, and all sort of other things that we consider culturally unacceptable now, too. If God wants me to remarry, then, when the time is right, He will place someone in my path to be my partner. If He doesn't, I don't mind. Do I miss the physical companionship and comfort? Sure. I like hugs. Don't get them very often. Oh well. But my main focus the last 10 years has been to be there for my kids, who are now all college aged. And when they marry and establish their own families, I feel my role as "Dad" will be completed, at least on a daily, or directly involved basis. Then I become more of a reference or resource. Perhaps then God will see fit to allow me to have a spouse. If not, that's OK. Because I love and trust the Lord, and walk and talk with Him daily, and frankly, can't wait to get home.
Do I regret having to divorce? Of course. It saddens me that we were not able to be the ideal family with 2.5 kids and the dog. Would I do it over again if I had to?
In a heartbeat.
Life is full of obstacles and hardships. Ultimately you cannot control your parents. What you can do is determine to use this experience to make your own life stronger which will in turn give you the ability to help others make theirs stronger down the road. Whether we allow a hardship to crush our spirit and effect us negatively for the remainder of our lives, or become stronger and grow from the experience is entirely up to us. You've already chosen the latter option. Don't feel alone. One doesn't have to look far to see others going through the same type of struggle or worse. You can change poison into medicine and in fact you already are in one way by helping your younger sibling to cope. You're becoming stronger and so is your sibling. You have a magnificent life. This experience, as painful as it feels now, is only there because you can win and you're already winning.
@Graceful_Timber - (((((((((( hugs)))))))))) I think that must have been a very painful position to have been in on so many fronts.
I believe God does speak to us. I believe one can hear the audible voice of God or it can appear to be like an inner voice..
What I don't believe is that God contradicts himself.
These are Jesus words on the subject;
Matthew 19
Divorce
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Haven't you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Why then, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. The disciples said to him, If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry. Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.
In saying that.....
Divorce is NOT the unforgivable sin.
I think sometimes we hide our own sinfulness, our own weakness's or just our own inability to 'go on' behind the voice of God rather than acknowledging it is because our hearts are hard.
It is only when we call things for what they are, can their be any forgiveness and reconciliation with our Father in heaven.
x
@leadworshipper82 - I disagree.
We are all sinners. While I think many men need to raise up and take their places, I think many women are equally responsible for the part they play in marriage break ups.
One can not blame anyone sex for 'sin' we are ALL guilty.
x
@Ork58@xanga - Great comment.
p
@leadworshipper82 - I agree
@wherever_we_go@xanga - no one cannot blame and yes the other side must take ownership of the sin absolutely... but in the end... the responsibility goes to the man to do the work of priesting, propheting, discipling, sheparding, protecting his family... and I would venture to say that the reason why the majority of marriage fail is because the man didn't do the end that was his responsibility to pull... are there extenuating circumstances... sure... but in the end...
No divorce unless the infidelity is ongoing or is towards your or other people's children. If someone commits adultery it is my personal opinion, in these times, than honesty and prayer are the way to work through it. That doesn't excuse it. Hopefully, no one ever experiences. Crimes of passion happen.
@leadworshipper82 - How old are you people anyway!?!? Have any of you actually expierence what these people going through divorce are feeling!? It's ridiculous! I mean hell, Jesus is the forgiver of all sins, and like any father, he only wants the best for his children - if a marriage is distorying one of his children, he would want them to do the right thing and to be happy, released and at peace once again. This is what Jesus is all about, loving the tax-collectors, homosexuals, murders, prostitutes, the lepars and the poor/homeless. Yes, there must be a good reason for the divorce, all posibilities SHOULD be exhausted - unless there is an urgent situation such a physical, sexual or emotional abuse, before getting a divorce. God should be consulted in the matter too.
I have never expierenced a divorce personally, but I know Jesus as my lord, saviour and best friend, and he just loves us like his children. There is freedom and love in his arms, and that is where anyone condeming divorcees need to spend some time.
@Ashlee (QLD) - what about someone who's experienced a divorce from the children's perspective and knows what the Bible says... what are you aiming at? All I'm saying is that a divorce is never an option from because it doesn't "feel" right in the marriage, once married stay married and work through the issue... 2 sinners coming together don't make things perfect... it takes work... God never divorced Israel, but He did separate Himself for a season, but He always came back... and if men are supposed to be like Jesus, they loving their wives LIKE Jesus did is the way to go and that takes work... i don't know what you're aiming at really...