Friday, 31 July 2009

• Revelife Q&A with Crystal Renaud of "Dirty Girls" Ministries

    Porn, porn, porn. It's something we all love to debate about in public (like on this site!), but it remains the secret seedy underbelly of the lives of many addicted Christians. Revelife talked to Crystal Renaud, the director of Dirty Girls Ministries, about the unique struggles that women face in regards to pornography.
  
  Revelife: Porn addiction is stereotyped as a male issue. Why are women also vulnerable to the allure of porn?
  
  Crystal: While seen primarily as a problem for men, statistics are showing that every 1 of 3 women have a porn addiction. And that's just the women willing to admit it. Many count women out for being sexual addicts because they aren't known for being visually stimulated. But what women have that puts them into a whole different field are their emotions, and they will feed an emotional need with any means necessary.
  
  R: Men are more stimulated by sight than women are and thus more likely to get turned on by an image. Are there other forms of pornography that women are more tempted by (e.g. cybersex, erotic literature, explicit TV shows)?
   
  C: Any form of pornography that will allow a woman to escape into a fantasy world, is a form of pornography a woman would likely be tempted by. We as women are emotional beings and often women are seeking out pornography as a way to escape and to receive a false sense of intimacy. A situation where a woman can enter into a world that is not her own, a world where she is fully accepted the way she is (for a price of course) is both tempting and appealing to a woman who has emotional needs she needs met. 
  
  R: Do you think the media and culture create expectations or norms that encourage women to grow up fast or to act out sexually?
  
  C: I think women have always been taught to grow up too fast. From an early age, young girls are exposed to unrealistic depictions of women both in media and by what our culture says is beautiful. We're always been taught that our role is to please men. And unfortunately, many women were not treated appropriately growing up, either by her father or another male authority. I think that teaches a woman that she's not worthy and she'll do whatever it takes to be accepted. That would include acting out sexually, thus growing up too fast.
  
  R: How has the Internet and cyber porn changed the nature of sexual addiction?
  
  C: Internet and cyber porn have changed the nature of sexual addiction because it is bringing pornography right into our living rooms. Before the age of the internet, there was only a few ways of gaining access to porn (video store, magazine, romance novels, etc.). Addiction is on the rise because of how readily available pornography has become. Exposure to pornography is occurring earlier and earlier in life because of how easily accessible pornography has become. It has changed the very nature of sexual addiction by allowing it to be even more secretive.
  
  R: Some people would say that sexual expression is healthy and natural and that porn can actually enrich a couple’s relationship. How would you respond to that?
  
  C: We could have the this argument until we're red in the face, but here's why I believe (and many others both Christian and non-Christian believe) pornography is actually more damaging to marriage than it is beneficial:
  

  •     Turning to pornography may cause your spouse to withdraw you sexually because they're receiving instant gratification from their fantasies.
  •     When your spouse views porn, the other party may feel disrespected, take it personally and believe that they aren't enough for you.
  •     Pornography could make it difficult for your spouse to see sex as a loving and spiritual form of communication. As a result, pornography can decrease sexual satisfaction within your marriage. And that's just to name a few.

  R: You have a book coming out, Dirty Girls, that explores this often silent yet growing problem of women and sexual addiction. Why do you think women are often hesitant to confide in others about this issue?
  
  C: I think that ultimately women are just convinced they are the only woman who has ever struggled with this issue. Porn and sexual addiction has always been referred to as a man's problem. Also, it comes down to the woman's emotional health and her willingness to change. If she confides in someone, it means she's asking for help and admitting she has a problem. Not all women do want to stop, as their addiction has been a gratifying companion for so long.
  
  R: Was it hard for you to be open about your own struggles with sex addiction?
  
  C: Oh, absolutely. My addiction to pornography began by accident when I was just 10 years old when I discovered a pornographic magazine in my brother's bathroom. I was so naive and sheltered that I didn’t even know what sex was, let alone understand what this magazine I had just found was all about. So, I was instantly and understandably intrigued. It began to awaken things within me that I had never felt before. False sense of intimacy and affection.
  
  It began to escalate when I began to give into the feelings that the pornography providing me and when the milder porn stopped working, that's when things spiraled out of control and my involvement with pornography became a lot darker. The day I learned that I wasn't the only girl struggling with this addiction -- was the first of a few turning points that I had had.
  
  I went through a long battle with succeeding in my sobriety to only messing up again. And this pattern continued for a good year or so probably. I did have some accountability in place and I was finding some freedom from my addiction, but accountability as addicts know, is only as good as how honest you are. I was still fully relying on myself and not Christ.
  
  The true turning point was about 7 years ago... on the the day that my faith in Christ became real and not just my ticket out of hell. That happened after a potentially dangerous situation that a bad relapse had left me in. It was in that moment that for the first time, I heard the voice of God and it was right then and there that I surrendered my will, and fell into the arms of Christ to pull me out. But it is still daily struggle of fighting temptation and dying to my flesh so that God can be glorified through my actions.
  
  R: How can churches be more helpful in ministering to those with these struggles, and how can they especially reach out to hurting women?
  
  C: The first step is to stop believing that porn, sex and lust aren't problems in your churches. You are doing a disservice to your congregation and yourselves by being silent about such a widespread problem. Use the platform God has blessed you with to show love to the broken and provide a safe place for restoration. It can be as simple as providing recovery groups and resources.
  
  But I think the most powerful thing churches can do is speak honestly about these topics from the stage. It might not be glamorous or fit into a nice message series package, but consider the lives that could be changed. If we as the Church don't speak out against the bondage of sexual sin, who will?
  
  R: What would you say to a girl or woman who is hiding a sexual addiction?
  
  C: The first thing I tell a woman who comes to me and says she's addicted to pornography and what I want to say this any women reading this now, is that girlfriend, you're not alone. Don't give yourself so much credit for being the first woman to ever struggle with this. You are just one of millions of women who are struggling.
  
  But that is not make your addiction and your decision to sin justified. From the day you were born to the day that you die, your sins were forgiven because of the grace of God -- who sent His son Jesus Christ to die and bear your burden. He has set you apart for something so much bigger... and so much greater than being a slave to a sin that's He's already bought. I believe it 2 Corinthians 12 that says, "My grace is sufficient for you... My power made perfect in weakness." His power is made perfect in your weakness. The God of the Universe... the God we serve wants all of you and doesn’t want to share you with anything or anyone. Holding on to an idol will only keep you from experiencing God’s love and grace, to its fullest. And it is time to go on and make today the day you set the idol of pornography down, so that His power can be made perfect in you.
  
  To find out more about Crystal and her ministry, visit her site at www.dirtygirlsministries.com.

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