My father left me six times when I was a child. I never knew when he was gonna come back or when he would leave. I think I even blamed myself or my mother (I was angry/bitter at my mom too) for letting him leave so many times or "causing" him to leave so many times.
When I was a teenager, I suffered a lot because of the choices of my parents; each of them did things that left permanent "burn marks" in my heart and mind. One thing my father always did was demean (criticize) my appearance...like I needed to lose weight or my dressing was not good or something like that. God still has to work through these things today. I know that He wants to heal me of the pain from these things. He has begun that process now, while in Korea.
Three years ago, my parents both became Christians and got re-married once again to each other. However, I feel that this time it will stick because of Jesus. They are also older and more mature now. And my Dad has never said "I'm sorry" for the things he said to me as a teenager/growing up, but I know now that by his actions, he truly loves me, and that is enough of an apology.
Now, I have a Heavenly Father, but it is hard for me to even trust Him due to what happened with my earthly father. I feel that I have to work to earn my salvation a lot, despite what I am told and despite the constant grace that God shares with me. I always feel that if I am "not good enough" or "not perfect enough" for God, that He will leave me. Even a month ago at my church, we had a guest speaker come, and he gave me a word from God like this: "God will not abandon you. You have not made a mistake. Your emotions are shaken because of your home/family life." Since then, God has been working through my pain that I didn't even know was there.
Also, it is hard to trust men. As a Christian, I made sexual mistakes and asked for forgiveness but didn't REPENT (repentance is saying "I'm sorry" then TURNING away, like when Jesus said to Mary Magdalene, "go and sin no more"). Finally, I got tired of the sin and tired of hurting God, and I really did repent and turn away from that. I found healing in that area, but one big thing remains: I am so afraid of losing the men that I am dating in my life.
Even now, I have a great MOG (Man of God) whom I am engaged to. He constantly shows his love for me but I don't even know how to accept it, and I always confuse the things he does, and I don't trust him. It's hard for me to trust him because of what happened with my dad. I think part of me doesn't believe that he really loves me, too! I keep thinking, "When will he leave?" & I keep thinking that if I don't do things perfectly, he too will leave like my dad did so many times.
Tonight, I felt so lonely walking home from hanging out with a close friend from Texas and my fiance. I came home and sat before God and just wept and spoke in tongues to Him. I held up my hands and asked God for a special touch from the Holy Spirit. Literally, it felt like the Holy Spirit was holding my hands in His. It was such a strange feeling, but so good. I felt wrapped up in love.
I don't know how much it will take, BUT I have hope that God is chiseling away (breaking down) the hardness in my heart on this issue, which will lead to full healing. Hallelujah!
I just hope that my fiance has patience with me and can bear my "up and down," emotional, "roller-coaster" behavior. He is such a good man that I believe he will be. And I also hope that God will help me to trust Him more, too.
Comments (8)
I think that one of the worst things that the church can do is to couch God in terms of male fatherhood. Not only does it limit the images that we can have of God, but it can be downright dangerous, especially for women who have had abusive fathers, to view God as "father." My father passed away when I was 8 years old, and growing up hearing about my "heavenly father" was a completely foreign concept to me. I had no idea what an earthly father looked like, let alone a heavenly father. I think that if the church can start incorporating different divine imagery, we might be able to get a healthier and more holistic view of God that is not limited by the imperfections of absence of earthly fathers.
Have you ever taken the time to study through Jesus' upper room discourse (John 14-17)? You really should. Jesus talks all about what His Father is really like.
Just go through those chapters and write down everything Jesus says about His Father, what He's like, and what He promises to do for you.
It will change your life.
Please do.
I would second @Pass_the_Aura@xanga's admonition to get into the word of God and soak there. You've got to root yourself in Scriptural teaching about our heavenly Father, otherwise you're going to end up sinking when the storms come.
I cried out in my heart, “I’m not good enough.” He said, “You’re right, but you are enough.” Another time when I was having trouble dealing with life, He said to me, “It was never meant to be easy. But it WAS meant to be possible.”
Just remember that there are no perfect relationships in this life. All of us let down each other from time to time. That is where forgiveness and prayer help a lot. But when a husband and wife are in a triangle with the Lord at the top, He will make all things possible. God speed.
Thanks for sharing your heart. I have dealt with, and continue to deal with, some of these same issues. God is amazingly faithful to continue to teach me to trust Him. I will do my best to remember to pray for you when I am praying about my own journey through this issue. I will also pray for your fiance and your relationship.
while i appreciate your honesty in this post, i hate to break it to you that your heavenly "father" isn't actually a man. there's a lot of male imagery used to describe god in the bible, but there's also a lot of female imagery. i think the main point is that god's a parent to the parentless. god can be our father AND our mother. it's not about maleness or femaleness, just about family connection.
It is hard to view God as your heavenly father when your earthly father was not loving, isn't it?
Hi! I'm doing some research about How big our daddy is...and I came across your post. My heart goes out to you because i know exactly where you are spiritually and mentally about trust. I was where you are now several months ago. I knew my vision of God was skewed by my relationship with my earthly father, and I wanted it fixed. I was told how much God loved me and would never abandon me, but I just couldn't trust it. I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to recognize unconditional love, which affected my marriage. I felt like my husband would do the same thing my dad did and would eventually leave me because I wouldn't be able to perform to his standards. My husband was at wits end with me. He didn't know how to prove he would never do that to me, but again, i didn't know how to accept that. So, I sought out a Christian counselor. She helped me to unwind all my past hurts and insecurities that I had that were tied into my relationship with my dad. I was finally able to let go of the pain he caused. I was able to see that through my life, God never left my side, and that it was because he loved me so much that I was able to withstand all those tough times. For the first time I was able to accept I was unconditionally loved. I let go of my fears for the first time and took a leap of faith and jumped into my Heavenly Fathers arms. You just have to make the decision to put it all out for God to take. It's scary at first, but it's liberating in the end! I have never felt so loved and confident in being loved by my God and my husband. Maybe you can get through this alone (well i mean without outside help) but maybe you should try to talk to a Christian counselor. If you're afraid of cost, most insurances cover mental health but some counselors will work on a sliding scale. I hope this encourages you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you'd like to talk some more I'd love to talk. You can reach my by email at sauliners@yahoo.com