An oft-used phrase among Christians is that we are to love the sinner, hate the sin. And just as often, many non-Christians bristle at the phrase claiming it impossible. I hate to say it, but their bristling is our fault. We have historically, and in too great of numbers, not done a good job at this. It is what we believe, I have no doubt, but do we really live it?
I'd like to tell three stories, shortened greatly for the purposes of this blog, that illustrate when I got it right. I don't always, but I'd like to share how I think this really looks in real life.
My coworker, Tom, was a stereotypical, flamboyant gay man. We became somewhat good friends; commiserating over the horrible senior staff. One day, as I was giving him a ride home he was noticeably distraught. I asked if he needed to talk. He hesitated and then said, "Look, I know you are a Christian, and honestly you have been a better friend to me than I ever expected...but this probably isn't something you'd want to hear about."
I pulled up at a local coffee shop and said, "Try me."
In the next hour, many tears were shed by both of us. You see, his boyfriend of several months had just dumped him -- by email, saying he'd never really cared for him. While I didn't think two men being in love was "right," I could certainly relate to heartache. This was not the time to discuss sinful living or poor choices -- it was time to hold a friend's hand and nod in agreement to the "it just doesn't seem right."
My duty right then was to love...not to judge. The only words of caution I shared was that I hoped he would see that this reflected on the boyfriend's poor character to be so crass; that he was a great person and had been a great friend to me. I told him he deserved happiness, because he does. Months went by, he met a new guy and he tentatively shared the news. I told him it was good to see him happy and excited. I asked where they met, what the guy was like and wished him a happier outcome. At this point, he again stopped and said "I don't get it...you do believe homosexuality is a sin, right?"
I nodded and he continued, "Then why do you talk to me about these things? Why aren't you trying to tell me all I'll find is heartache and condemnation before God? You are the strangest Christian I ever met."
This was the point where I could explain because this is where he asked and wanted to know. I told him that indeed I didn't believe he'd find lasting peace and happiness with what he was doing. However, I did want him to be happy. I did believe he deserved peace and love and kindness.
I explained that my telling him he was a sinner wouldn't help him. Loving him with the love of Christ would. He hugged me and said, "We need to talk about this Christ of yours sometime." And we did. I don't know that he ever came to accept Christ, but I know he heard, really heard what I had to say only because I waited until he wanted to know. And he only wanted to know because I had first loved him.
Rose was the youngest member of my Christ-centered support group. She was a self-proclaimed Wiccan, but we accepted her into our group all the same. She was eager to learn and understand. Unfortunately she was also full of pain and damage from a horrific childhood. When she announced one week she was pregnant, the mother in all of us kicked in. We worried for her well-being because of how distraught she was. We were generous with hugs and let her talk about her unexpected (for her) love for the child she carried.
A few weeks went by and she announced her mom was forcing her to have an abortion. She seemed resigned. We asked how she felt. We let her talk, we hugged her more. We asked what she wanted from us. She said she had no choice, and we lovingly said there is always a choice, but that we could understand where she was coming from. I told her to call me at any time of day or night to talk. I offered to go with her to the clinic so she'd have someone she felt loved her. I told her it was tragic that she was so trapped in the situation and that I would support her no matter what. She didn't come back to our group for quite awhile.
We learned she had had the abortion and we grieved over the loss of life, and we grieved for her knowing she had been pushed into doing something she wasn't sure about. The first night she returned, I happened to be holding a friend's sleeping baby. Something in Rose snapped and she screamed for the baby to be taken away from her. One woman took the child away while I held her as she sobbed. She called herself a murderer. Said her baby must hate her. Said that God would never love her now.
When she was spent, I asked if she wanted us to respond to what she had said and she said no. We agreed and continued the plan for the evening. When she asked for a ride home, I prayed God would give me a chance to help this girl start healing. Outside her house that night, I told her when asked that I didn't hate her. I didn't judge her. I loved her and my heart was breaking with hers.
She told me about the abortion, about the guilt she felt. The rage she had towards her mother for forcing her into it. When she asked if God would love her even now, I said he did. That she could do nothing to take that love away because she could do nothing to earn it. I encouraged her to grieve the situation...the loss of her child, sure, but also the loss of her own childhood, the loss of her free will in the situation. I told her she was always welcome. She stopped coming to group at some point. I don't know exactly where her heart is now over all of it, but I am honored that for at least one night I could show her what real love was like.
Lee had been married nine years when it suddenly seemed too much. Too much heartache, too much trouble, too much of a bother. She pushed aside all she believed was right and good and decided to live for herself. She sought acceptance with strange men she met online. Had physical encounters with at least 50 of them, all behind her husband's back. She lied to herself, saying he wouldn't care. He didn't love her and so she was justified.
Six months of running around, putting her life at risk more times than not, and all the while running from God. A series of events that shook her up and made her really stop to think for the first time in a long time...and she realized her wrongdoing. When she asked if God would ever forgive her...it was a challenge to convince her. It was a challenge to convince her that God would accept her back, that she was worth forgiving.
I know how hard it was for her, because I was her. I eventually had to love myself enough to prostrate myself before God and ask for his forgiveness. I had to ask him to help me love myself again because somewhere along the line I had stopped. He was gracious, as he always is, and offered me forgiveness, love and healing. And he loved me enough to face the consequences of my actions. My husband found out as they tend to do. It has been three long years for us to fight back into a place of trying to have a real, Godly marriage. With God's help, we will.
You see, I have to be able to love the sinner, because I am one.
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Comments (194)
Mmm.
good blog =) you really brought to light clear examples of what it means to "hate the sin, love the sinner". it definitely paints a very different picture of christianity than what many people are used to seeing (condemning and self-righteous).
Wow. Very touching. I really appreciate being able to read this and that you shared. This shows how anyone should act towards others...whether your motivation comes from Christianity or not; it's definitely what we should see more.
Wow. What an inspiring post.
I think we all often need a reminder that we are sinners too in order to knock us off that high horse we sit upon claiming "holier than thou".
Thanks for sharing. I hope your marriage situation continues to be reconciled, and yes, with God's help, you can get there.
God Bless.
I understand that all too well. Not the last bit, but needing to love the sinner and not the sin. Sometimes it's hard, but I've fortunately found friends who don't push me to do anything they know I don't like and in return I don't force them to change their ways, just offer them my thoughts on certain situations.
Wonderful post! :]
How was she forced to get an abortion?
This makes you one of the rare ones.
this was an AMAZING post. one of the BEST i've read in a long time!!!!
Unfortunately, in today's world, there are too few like you. I always think to myself "what gives me the right to judge others?"
sinners need love more than neone. Love kills sin. Love unconditionally. But, you don't have to like. hehe
I really wish there were more Christians in this world like you. There is a young woman in my group at the rehab center I go to who is like you. She is a very devout Christian, yet she sits among us addicts and while she is there, she is one of us. She doesn't act any better, any 'cleaner', nothing. She acts like a woman who needs help, just like the rest of us. She will only speak of God when asked. (She talks about him when she speaks her turn in group, I mean outside of discussion.)
I can relate to the end of your story, only I was on your husband's side of it. I know the fight he is fighting to forgive, and if it's been 3 years, then you both are doing very well and I commend you of that. My husband and I aren't even past a year yet of it, and it's still really hard.
wow. fantastic post. :) this is, by far, my favorite post on xanga.
thank you for sharing this!
Indeed. Good post.
More Christians (and people in general) should be as compassionate as you.
Wow! You have a good perspective on things. I feel like I would want to do the same as you, but I don't know if I would use my words as well as you have. Hopefully, I will, if I'm in any of these similar situations.
Love this blog. I will definitely keep it in my mind as i go about my days and nights. Thank you for sharing.
Amazing post....
Sad stories, but I really respect Christians like this...
As an atheist, I'm not super big on religion, but I will not deny it has some good qualities to it. Posts and people who act like this, encompass much of which I see to be the good parts of Christianity.
Great post :)
Thank you. That was extremely touching.
Wonderful posts and insights. Loved it.
wonderful. you are a very brave person.
I'm glad you were able to show some love and compassion to people who, like us, have fallen short of the Glory of God. However, I'm afraid that by taking someone to the abortion clinic, or telling them that you think they deserve to be happy, you're not really changing their lives. I fear that in the name of "love" I've seen countless Christians be selfish in their friendships-- they would prefer to keep their friends happy and not offend them than confront them with a difficult truth.
There are ways of letting people know that you are always there for them, without indulging them through silence or "nods".
Anyway, I'd just be careful about keeping silent to long, I think we often forget that our "friends" souls are at risk if they continue outside of Christ.
Absolutely brilliant- truly wonderful post.
Very touching post. =) I think this is something everyone should learn to do, not just Christians.