My boyfriend and I have been together for about a month and a half. He is two years younger than me, and we're in high school. I'll be starting my senior year this fall and he will start his sophomore year.
My concern is that he is religious and I am not. I was raised in a Lutheran family and was baptized a month after I was born. As I have grown up, I always found myself apart from everyone in our church. I was an outcast in every activity, bible camp etc. In our confirmation classes in middle school, I was starting to lose contact with my faith.
I declared myself an atheist in the 8th grade (while still in confirmation). But as I grew up more in high school, I have considered myself more of an agnostic.
My boyfriend goes to a Christian-Nazarene church. He knows I'm not a religious person, and is aware of my past choices (which aren't so great). He still accepts me for myself and loves me no different. But I do believe our differences might in the end tear us apart.
I told him once about something I did, that could have killed me. He told me, "God must have been watching over you." In my head I was thinking, "You can think that, but I won't."
The fact that he is Christian and I am not is hard on our relationship. He said he hopes to have some of his values rub off on me. But I told him that I have beliefs and values that I know I won't change.
The way we want to live our lives after college are different. I want to move to New York and not have kids. He wants to stay in our current city and have at least two kids. I'm the natural born rebel who doesn't like her family and he's the one who loves his family and obeys his parents.
I don't want to make him mad by saying I don't believe in God/Jesus. There have been times between my 8th grade year and now that I have rethought my faith and tried going back. I wasn't successful, not because of little faith, but because of my beliefs are opposite of the church. I believe gays should have a right to marriage, and I disagree with almost everything in the Bible (yes, I have read it). But then I think, there are Christians who are the hard core fanatics who kill gays, then there are Christians who hold to their faith but accept gays and other things the Bible says are wrong. My friend is gay and is a Christian, and there are punks, goths and metal heads who are Christians... so I don't know.
So I don't know what to say to him every time he brings up God and Jesus. I normally just start a new conversation topic, but I want to discuss it with him.
What should I say when stuff like this comes up? Should I go back to the faith, and be one of the Christians who believes some things the Bible says are wrong (such as its condemnation of gays and pre-marital sex)?
Comments (77)
well it sound like you two have different paths in mind completely, you want a family, he doesnt... even bigger you want to move, he doesnt. Honestly if the fact that you arent a Christian hasnt pulled him away from you, it probably wont, unless he feels he is going to change you...which then again, I ask you to reevaluate your relationship. Im a christian dating an thiest, but I am not going to try and change him, religion is just one thing that we can touch, but dont exactly see eye to eye with. So long as he never degrades my beliefs, or I his,m we will be ok.
If you don't talk about it, then the whole relationship will likely fall apart. If you can't discuss difficult issues, then there's not going to be any hope of a meaningful relationship.
I am agnostic as well, and I find most religious (not spiritual) organizations intolerant, dictatorial, and dangerous. Regarding your questions:
"What should I say when stuff like this comes up?"
I would make sure he is comfortable with an open discussion where views might conflict. If he (and you) can 1) have civil discussions about controversial subjects and 2) agree to disagree, it should make for a stimulating conversation.
"Should I go back to the faith and be one of the Christians who believes some things the Bible says are wrong (such as its condemnation of gays and pre-marital sex)?"
Do what feels right to you. I am not a Christian (or any religious denomination) because I don't want other people telling me how to live my life.
Being science-minded, I think that a "god" would actually be an exponentially more advanced, intelligent, and complex being. I don't think this being would pay more attention to us than we do to ants. Maybe some interest, but there are so many more interesting things in the universe than a single species on the equivalent of a grain of sand on a cosmic beach.
Hope my thoughts help.
"What should I say when stuff like this comes up? Should I go back to the
faith, and be one of the Christians who believes some things the Bible
says are wrong (such as its condemnation of gays and pre-marital sex)?"
Don't go thinking some of the things the Bible says are wrong. God wrote it and it says what He believes, and if He believes them then He is right. But, perhaps open your mind and see what the Bible has to say and why it says it rather than judging it. Let the Bible master you, don't attempt to be master over it.
The bible doesn't say for Christians to condemn gays, it instead states that homosexuality is sin. Just as it states that theft and murder are sin. It also states that "all have sinned and have fallen short of the Glory of God." And that "the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." All have sinned, and all are condemned outside of Christ. Homosexuals, as much as some Christians like to claim are no worse off than thieves and liars. In fact in some ways they may be better off than the hypocrites who hate them for their sin.
The Bible actually states for Christians not to be yoked with non-believers. What you're experiencing is part of the reason. You hold to different beliefs and unless that changes it will lead to problem, and as you said may even be the end of the relationship.
I would also add though, that you seem to have some misconceptions about Christianity, the Bible, and how Christians are called to live. I know you said you have read the Bible, but I would also suggest going to a church and speaking with a pastor there to get some answers to the issues you have with Christianity. Also, read some books that talk about how Christians are to live as opposed to what you see in the media and in some hypocrites that call themselves Christians.
Also, I would say that from what you state his attitude is inappropriate in some ways. He hopes his good ways will rub off on you? So, then you aren't good enough? It seems to me the two of you have some communication problems that need to be worked out and openly discussed. As well as you both need to realize that you can't change the other. The things you said you would like to discuss with him, bring it up with an open mind and discuss it don't hold on to it and say you would eventually like to.
It wont work. Either you'll make yourself into a hypocrite by "professing" something that you don't actually believe, or you'll turn your boyfriend from believing in something He truly does believe in.
First, realize guys and girls are different. Girls need to talk about their problems. Just talking about problems, even if a solution isn't found right away, is often the solution itself. Girls need love from their guys. Girls need their guys to listen to them. Often girls, when they have a problem, get into their girl groups to talk. What is hard for girls is showing respect to their guys, and that is what guys need. It's easy for girls to show love for their guys but that is what is hard for a guy to do. It's easy for a guy to show respect to their girl. Guys are all the time trying to be Mr. Fiz It. They want to find a solution to every problem and offer solutions when a girl only needs to talk about their problem(s) and don't need a solution right away. So Guys need to learn how to listen. When a guy has a problem he goes off into his cave to find a distraction untill he finds a solution. What girls need from their guys is they need them to talk. What I tell couples who are having problems to do is sit down together with no distractions where you know you will have an uninterrupted hour and talk.
Repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved..... And maybe the relationship will too.
Hmm... I'm Christian and my boyfriend is agnostic. He was also raised into a Lutheran family. I can tell you that just by my faith and example, he's growing to question and I hope and pray he eventually holds beliefs similar to mine. But I know that at some point, if we have such separate beliefs, there could be an ultimatum involved. It's really hard to raise a family from two extremes.
But you're still super young. Don't go back to believing just because he wants you to. Let yourself get there on your own terms. And if it's something that you just don't want to happen, then let him know. But always be open, to his side and yours. This is one subject you can't just avoid and hope it will resolve itself.
you shouldn't date someone who is constantly hoping to change you, unless you're open to change yourself.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you feel like staying agnostic is better for you, he should understand that. A great SO should never force you to do something you don't want to. If you do decide to stay agnostic, let him know and put your foot down saying that you do not wish to have him force his beliefs down your throat. My girlfriend is Catholic and I'm Buddhist. She is quite religious, but she understands that I have my beliefs and she has hers. Religion has never been brought up because we feel that it's not not so important to discuss with each other.
You're 17. He's 15. It's not like this is going to be something that lasts forever.
you're both young. just try to enjoy the relationship.
You bring up a good topic.... First you can't go by what people say . People can tell you anything if someones gay and is a christian .... Can't you see whats wrong with this picture? Thats a abomination to God... IF YOU HAVE READ THE BIBLE you would know that.... The devil is trying to win you over.. and your... letting him.. stop hanging with the wrong crowd (like someone gay) all its going to do is rub off on you.... This is comeing from my heart.. I WAS the same way but I have change....Being a christian does not mean be perfect cause no one is... Just follow Godly was. God is tryin to help you.. let him and stop following your own way check out this website for me ok? www.cdtracts.com this is coming from my heart watch one of those vids and you will see that you where not along in this .. and your not bad.. your just lost and need guidance... have a question? message me... I'll be happy to help you...
~jasmine
You are both incredibly young. Enjoy your life and try not to worry about such things. I was raised Catholic, went to church every week and continued until I was about 24 years old. I don't agree with the Catholic Church on many things (gay marriage for example), so I stopped going. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God, but I don't believe in organized religion. My husband doesn't believe in God or heaven or hell, but we have a very strong marriage. I don't try to change him, and he doesn't try to change me. We discuss God on occasion, but we agree to disagree. Be true to yourself.
Well, I'm Christian (who believes in premarital sex, gay marriage, yada yada) and my boyfriend is an agnostic. We make it work by talking about our beliefs and differences and learning to accept them. When you talk about it, don't try to change the other person's beliefs. Listen to them and don't interrupt, and then do the same. It's about communication.
Frankly, it's way too early in the relationship to be worrying about these issues (what you're doing after college when he won't be done with college for seven years!), so just enjoy the relationship at the moment. I wish I would have done more of that in high school.
Well, as an Agnostic (almost Atheist) myself who would never go back to being Christian, I must say, if you wrote a long entry such as this wondering whether or not you should go back to your faith then that clearly means you want to therefore you should. As for the "relationship"... you're a senior. He's a sophomore. More than likely, it's not going to last so don't fret over it.
As many others have said, you are way young. I was in an similar situation with a young bf, I loved him, we were getting married - and we broke up when I was 19. After two-ish years of dating. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom but the majority of HS relationships don't last and when you have something like this major difference working against you it's even harder. I can't tell you what to do or think, but that is something to keep in mind.
Also, please don't go back to being a "christian" just because your boyfriend or others maybe are convincing. If you come to the cross it should be because of the love of Christ, not a guy.
this one is very hard.. i think in order to strengthen what you guys have. both of you will have to believe.
i don't know maybe that is b/c the person that i love is very strong in faith just as much as i am.
i have been a catholic all my life. there is no other way for me..
look into the life of Jesus, not the church.
Who says you have to believe in the Christian God? Maybe starting with any God could be useful. Sometimes when the word "Christian" is attached to something, us more liberal/open-minded people feel a suffocating feeling that a sermon is about to come our way, telling us how wrong something is. You are right, however, that not all Christians are the demonizing type.
The commenter above me recommended looking into the life of Jesus. He was a pretty cool guy, if you detach him from the Christians of today, who mostly live contrary to His message. I think Jesus is the important part, and the rest is just details that make us argue. Much of the Bible is specific to its historical period. Some people argue that it was meant for forever, but I'm not of that opinion. And yes, I believe gay people should be allowed to marry, trans people should be allowed to live as the sex of their choice, and pre-marital sex is not a sin (and Jesus isn't the only way to Heaven-could I be wrong? Yea...but meh). But then, I don't believe in Original Sin, or the Garden of Eden outside of metaphorical terms, and I'm an evolutionist. But I am a Christian. Albeit very liberal. Erm...obviously.
Maybe explore spirituality. Learn philosophy. Research world religions. Sometimes in learning about other beliefs, you start to find out what it is you don't believe, and from there, you can figure out what you do believe. Maybe you're a deist.
And ignore all of the people who say it's not going to last (but listen to the ones who say you're young and that you should just enjoy the relationship). Their being negative is not helping you make up your mind and will just make you feel bad. Are the odds in your favor of it lasting? Probably not, but that doesn't mean it's impossible, and besides, who hasn't daydreamed of being together forever with the one they're with? You might get hurt someday, or you might be the one to do the hurting, but just because you're young doesn't mean you can't make responsible decisions or make a dating relationship last beyond high school. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But yea...They're just...feeling like they've been there, done that...They're being realistic, but with no added magic. Sigh. Adults.
Reading your post reminded me how painful my relationship with someone
who does not share similar beliefs was. My closest friend said it
right:" If you decided to marry him, I will be happy for you. But at
the same sad because i know you'll be missing a big part which is
really joyful"
When you know someone roll their eyes (even they do it by heart) when
you talked about your father in heaven, you eventually stopped sharing.
My heavenly father saved me, washed away my sin, I truely love Him
dearly. It's hard to hide someone so dear to me under the bed for just
1 minute, not to say for the rest of my life. So, with great degree of
emotional struggle, i broke it off.
It was a dark period. I put my faith in God. I am 35, eager to have
family if God sees it's good. But when God says no... i know it's for
good reason. The Holy Spirit told me, "You kept telling kids in Sunday
school "God's plan is the best" but why don't you yourself believe it?"
Thank God now I have someone whom I can have fun with, share life, pray
together, enjoy God's creations and sing praises together. Share up and
down in spiritual life and be supporter of each other. That's the real
joy i almost missed big time.
Instead of spending endless hours on discussions, arguements and
sometimes even fear, can now spending time on building a strong
relationship.
I hope my experience give you some insight. God bless you dear.
Sounds like he might be a "missionary dater". A term among Christians to refer to someone who dates someone in order to bring them to Christ. A friend of mine tried to do this and their relationship went downhill pretty quickly.
However, he's not necessarily one of those, just something to consider.
Anyway, you two are in High School. He's probably 15? You're probably 17? You have a lot of life left to live. You have a lot of growing up and changing to do. Even between 15 and 17 or 18, I changed dramatically. You both though have very different goals and plans for life. Maybe after you graduate High School, you won't stay together because you are probably going to move off somewhere for college (note: please don't choose a certain college b/c of him; you'll probably regret it). Maybe it's just a fun relationship that will teach you something about life and yourself for right now, but not something that will last. Who knows.
Now on to your questions about whether you should be a Christian or not. That's up to you. There are many folks who call themselves Christians but don't really practice it or even believe it. They just don't know what else to call themselves. However, I think that if the Bible says something is wrong, then well, it's wrong (based on the Bible, and therefore, you can't think it's right if you're a Christian and believing in the Bible). There's a fine line between open-mindedness/acceptance and something being completely okay. *shrugs*
Good luck with whatever you decide.