Friday, 17 July 2009
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How I Became an Atheist
I am currently a senior in college, 23 years old. The story starts when I was 11 years old in sixth grade, learning science for the first time. I started doing some outside reading on my own and realized that the Bible wasn't exactly congruent with science. The more reading I did in science showed that god wasn't really necessary for all the things that people attributed to him. That was also the same year one of my good friends died from a congenital heart defect. I found it absolutely appalling that the same people that would praise god for baby births and recovery from operations would now say things like "god works in mysterious ways" or "it was god's will". Heads, god wins, tails, god wins. At that point I gave up on god, and just stopped caring. I wasn't militant in my disbelief. I was more of an apatheist, in that I really didn't care, but mostly didn't believe.
Two years later, all those tolerant Christians preaching god's love of all people in my Boy Scout troop told me that I wasn't welcome since I didn't believe in god. While this didn't change my opinion of god, it did change my opinion of god's followers.
Skip ahead to the beginning of 11th grade. I'm 15, and still an apatheist, maybe a deist of sorts, but I don't have it really settled in my head. I'm sitting in my honors English class, when my neck starts spasming. I try to cover it up and ignore it, but it gets more and more intense, until I nearly knock myself unconscious by spasming my head into my shoulder. This was the beginning of a steady decline in my health. Over the next few months, the spasms became more frequent and started spreading to my limbs. About six months after the first "attack", I started getting spasms in my stomach and chest muscles. A doctor told me there was a very good chance that it would spread to my heart muscles and give me a heart attack. He told me there was a chance I would not live past high school. I was diagnosed with a rare form of dystonia, most likely a genetic form (my grandfather exhibited strange muscle symptoms as well).
So I re-found Jesus. I started attending every church function I could make. I prayed all the time. I did everything I could to make sure I'd get into heaven. Because I sincerely believed in the doctrines I learned in the Bible and in church, where I could be sentenced to hell for mere THOUGHTS! My doctors told me to do everything I could to reduce stress, since stress set off these spasms. But how can you decrease stress when you're worried about spending an eternity in hellfire?
My symptoms continued getting worse, despite the amount faith and prayers I put into it. I started having spasms in my diaphragm and chest, so at times I would not be able to breathe for over a minute at a time, only to be able to get a single gasp of breath to hold me out for the next minute. One of these spasms got so powerful that I broke two ribs just from the muscle spasms. I then passed out, either from the pain or the lack of oxygen and was sent to the hospital to stay for a few days.
I still remember extremely clearly being in the hospital, praying to god to make me better so I could then spend the rest of my life doing his will throughout the world when I had a heart attack. For me it wasn't like you see in the movies, where they grasp their arm and slowly fall down. For me, I was laying in bed, felt extreme pain in my arm, then actually felt my heart pumping extremely rapidly.... then stop. I remember hearing the cardiac monitor sound its alarm cry as I slowly faded out of consciousness.
At this point I made a decision to redouble my efforts, since I obviously wasn't doing god's will. I mean, if I was I'd get better, right? That was my thought process up until my first year of college... when I had my second heart attack. After that I started doubting that any truly loving god was watching out for me. I started reading up more and more on biology, cosmology, and philosophy (as well as the Bible a second time around). By learning more science, I started thinking along the lines of evidence and critical evaluation, which made it harder for Christianity to hold sway in my mind.
Through all this, I realized there was no way that there was some all-loving, all-powerful being who cared about me and intervened in my life. So I slowly made the transition to Deist (believing in an unmoved mover, a god who set the universe in motion but didn't interfere in individual affairs), and over another year or two to a full-blown atheist. Since then, my health has improved (owing partly, I'm sure, to a decrease in stress from no longer fearing eternal damnation).
Now, with a post like this (a very personal one to me), I'm willing to answer any questions. But I'd ask that you phrase them respectfully (which has been a problem here in the past). I'd like to hear reactions to this story.
Me and the love of my life, so you can put a name to a face. The lovely lady is Ali, and that handsome devil is everybody's favorite Krisko.
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About the Author
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- From: GodlessLiberal@xanga
- Name: Krisko
- About Me: A site to debate religion, politics, evolution, morals, laws, and pretty much anything I have an opinion about... which is pretty much everything. Come tell me how wrong I am, or, alternately, how awesome I am!
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Comments (228)
hi interesten post i my self belive in god
i wanted to ask u somethn was it the fact that god let u ave tis aka the heart attacks or was it when u went to church u werent noticed i kant answer why god lets us ave like thease tings happen and all all i know is i fell i wouldent be here if it wasnt for the guys i call god
i also belive that the churchs need to like answer some hard questions like kids and adults have now a days some christians say this is the way u ave to belief i belive in god dosent mean u ave to
wot do u belive
would it help if u could see god and ask im why u had wot u had
do u think ure opion would ever change
feel free to ask me wot u like i ave nothen to hide
its a good blog dont let any oen tel u other wise u ave ure opion
For a short while in college I rejected Christianity and accepted Deism like you. Your story sounds oddly familiar to mine except for the end, so far. Apologetics and arguments are not the fundamental reasons why any of us have faith or doubt. Our experiences shape us. Our comprehension of our experiences shape us. Thanks for sharing your story.
I would be remiss if I didn't also mention that I do believe that there's a lot in the Bible (not in "pop-Christianity") that would agree with your reflections on life. The stories you share make me wonder if you've been exposed to a narrow, though sadly, too common, understanding of the Bible and Christianity. I've also rejected those.According to the Bible, God caused all of humanity to have to suffer death because two people ate some fruit.
If the Eden myth was true, God would be a mass murder.
But he isn't. Because he does not exist.
I'm sorry about your health problems. I cannot even imagine how scary a heart attack must be.
<3
that was interesting. i don't think i ever became an atheist. i never believed the creed of any religion nor the existence of a "higher power," and growing up has only reinforced my agnosticism.
I'm really sorry that you were taught that thoughts can send you to hell. You were seriously taught wrong. Once you accepted Christ, you were safe in His hands.
Bad things do happen to Christians, and it is all part of God's will. It's meant to draw us to Him to give us testimony, to increase our faith, to open us to the suffering of others.
Religions suck. Faith is true.
If a person became a Christian because they nearly died, or had a long history of physical ailments and that's what brought them to Christ, what would that mean to you?
What would you say of a person who's been through worse and still believes in God?
My great uncle died of cancer a few years ago. He was a devout Christian, and stayed that way all the way until he passed away. Even if he did ask God for healing and didn't get it, that wouldn't have shaken his faith. But I think he knew it was his time to go, and so he died peacefully and without worries or regrets.
I think you've misunderstood what it means to be a Christian and have faith. Believing in God only if there's scientific evidence and miracles to prove it isn't faith. I can't speak for God and tell you why He didn't heal you right away, but I can guess that your prayer--no matter how desperate it may have been--wasn't a display of true faith in God. You were praying to Him because you were afraid of eternal damnation, but believing in and having relationship with God is much more than getting into Heaven and avoiding Hell.
I've heard some of my christian friends talk about miracles they've witnessed. I don't remember any specifics right now, so i'll make up an (extreme) example. Someone gets in a car crash and loses his leg. A christian comes along and prays, and the leg's back and whole. That's something that obviously doesn't just happen coincidentally. If you witnessed something like this, what would your reaction be?
Aaaaaaand the comments begin! I hope this makes it to the front page of Xanga itself.
I know I said I'd answer any respectful questions, and right now I want to apologize in advance for how tardy most of these replies will be. My girlfriend's sister just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and so late tonight or early tomorrow I'll be heading out for the weekend to help great my pseudo-niece into this world. I hope you can all appreciate which of the two is more important.
@CommieForADay@xanga - if that happened because of prayer, i'd turn christian right then. LOL. btw did you know they are researching how to regenerate limbs as we speak? it's pretty interesting stuff.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - the word xanga had better not enter your mind this weekend :P
@gabrielpeter@xanga - [If a person became a Christian because they
nearly died, or had a long history of physical ailments and that's what
brought them to Christ, what would that mean to you?]
It would mean they dealt with the situation differently than I did. I never wrote this post do proscribe what one should do in this situation, only what I did.
[What would you say of a person who's been through worse and still believes in God?]
As long as your belief isn't hurting yourself or anybody else and it helps you in some way, go for it. Just because I don't believe god exists, just like I don't believe New Age medicine doesn't work, if it helps someone, even just by placebo effect alone (I'm not saying that's what it is, but if that happens to be the case) then good.
@interstellarmachine@xanga - [Why did you let the church dictate your beliefs and not the Bible?]
Actually, I went to a fairly liberal denomination. Most of this theology I got out of reading the Bible myself. And I know the response already: I read the Bible wrong. It's a tough book.
[Why is this featured on a "Christian" blog site?]
Because I want the "Christians" on here (since I'm sure many wouldn't fit your narrow definition of a "true Christian" is) to realize that atheists often become atheists through processes like these. Sometimes we fall into it kicking and screaming, wishing we could hold onto our faith.
@CommieForADay@xanga - [Someone gets in a car crash and loses his
leg. A christian comes along and prays, and the leg's back and whole.
That's something that obviously doesn't just happen coincidentally. If
you witnessed something like this, what would your reaction be?]
Like I've said before, if evidence of god appeared, I'd change my beliefs. I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster, but if you pull Nessie out of the lake I'll start believing really fast.
As much as I hate "ish" sites, I have to admit that revelife has always been the champion of Free Speech which Xanga used to be. The fact that this post exists on this site proves it.
I was never a fan of the Bible really. Probably because I have thoughts. Bazinggg!.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - @Chinese_Sait0u@xanga -
I myself haven't witnessed such miracles, but I know people who claim to have. I've heard stories of people who have spent years in wheelchairs jumping out and running around. I also personally know people who say God has healed them of lesser ailments, such as allergies. When I hear such stories I wonder why He'd choose to heal certain people, but not others. Anyhow, thanks for your reply.
Sounds like someone is going to hell.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - It is a narrow definition, but it is not my definition.
I think alot of times people will say that Christianity requires blind faith or that faith means we should just believe in something with absolutely no basis behind it. I disagree with that idea. I believe in God and I believe that there is substance behind that belief. I thinkthat there are many things in creation and in science that point to God as the creator. I think that if studied, the Bible will show itself to be a reliable and true book, and that there is evidence that supports Jesus as the Son of God. God doesn't expect us to just follow blindly. He gives us reason to trust that what He says is true. One way I believe the Bible is validated is through the many prophesies given in the Old Testament that are fulfilled in the New Testament about Jesus. You can probably google a whole list of references. The prophesies are pretty amazing because Jesus fulfilled them hundreds of years after they were predicted. I can list some of them for you (and I'm thinking about making a blog about it sometime), but I don't want to make this comment super long. So if you are interested and ask me I will list them for you.
God's existence cannot be conditional. He either exists or He doesn't. Our basis for determining if He exists should not be whether we find He exists in the way we would chose Him to be. What I mean is, if God exists, He exists the way He is. Some people believe that God could never allow suffering and that because there is suffering it must mean He does not exist. But that is a human standard that says, "if I were God, I would not allow suffering, the God I would like to exist would not allow suffering, therefore God does not exist." The problem with this belief is that God either exists or He doesn't. He either allows suffering or He doesn't. But the two are different issues.
As far as the fear of hell goes and "getting into heaven," I think that often times there is a mistaken belief about what the Bible teaches. Jesus says in John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." God's desire is that we have a relationship with Him and know Him. The basis of Christianity says that it's not about being a "good person," or following a bunch of rules, or going to church, it's about knowing the Lord. It's about recognizing that we are a sinful people and that no matter what we do, we could never be unsinful, we could never save ourselves (and yes, when truth be told, every single one of us deserves to go to hell). Only God can change us, and He promises to if we place our faith in His Son Jesus. As far as God being a loving God, I think that He proved this by sending His Son Jesus to die and pay the penalty for our sins so that we don't have to. One promise that is in the Bible is that if you would like to truly know if God exists and you want to know who He is, and you seek to find out, He will show you. (Deuteronomy 4:29). I think a simple prayer asking God to help you know what is really true, and an honest effort to find out is all that someone needs to find out.
I'm not claiming to know all about your circumstances, but it seems to me that God did answer your prayer. You may have health problems, but you are still alive and you even have a love of your life. I mean no disrespect to you by disagreeing with your beliefs, I just wanted to share with you mine (and I think that's reasonable since you posted this on a Christian blog).
PS: "Mere Christianity" is a book written by C.S. Lewis that takes a logical approach to Christianity. Lewis was a strong atheist before he became a Christian. I think it is a book that has good points made in a clear way. It's worth the read in my opinion.
hmmm - sounds like you bought into the health, wealth and prosperity gospel! No where in the bible did God say that His children would have perfect lives, free of pain and suffering. Or that our prayers would be answered our way. Actually, the opposite is true and Christ answers our prayers, just not as always expect. And as well, salvation isn't about doing. It's about believing. It's not about doing - it's about grace and grace alone. Sir, I'd say you were trying to use God for your own end, instead of seeking a relationship with His Son Jesus Christ.
@rectangularprism@xanga - excellent response ..... @GodlessLiberal@xanga - I also mean no disrespect, just stating what I see.
@rectangularprism@xanga - You know... after reading this...
"The basis of Christianity says that it's not
about being a "good person," or following a bunch of rules, or going to
church, it's about knowing the Lord. It's about recognizing that we are
a sinful people and that no matter what we do, we could never be
unsinful, we could never save ourselves (and yes, when truth be told,
every single one of us deserves to go to hell). Only God can change us,
and He promises to if we place our faith in His Son Jesus."
and then thinking about the post I just wrote about, how I view Happiness and Love...
I think I just had a small epiphany. People only do these things because they want happiness, but they're never going to be truly happy because they put their lives into the hands of others, instead of there own. They have no control over their own destiny because they surrender it to someone else.
It's hard enough to put it in the hands of another human being, let alone something that can't be verified to exist, and if there was a God that was here to make us happy... why aren't we?
This is a well-written, intelligent, and thoughtful post, and I appreciate you publishing it here. It appears I also reject the view of Christianity that you do.