Friday, 10 July 2009
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Young Christians Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
I'm 25 and not married. By Christian standards, I'm already an old maid.Christians are known for getting hitched early in life, a fact we could attribute to emphasis on family values, godly commitment to stick it out in a relationship, etc. But I think it often boils down to one thing: sex.
When premarital sex isn't an option for you, those early, passionate moments in a dating relationship can be tough. So what do you do? Rush through the courtship, get engaged after a few months and say "I do" by the time the 6-month mark rolls around.
The problem is, what do these couples do once the honeymoon phase (and the actual honeymoon) wears off? Sex is not enough to sustain a marriage. In fact, most married couples will tell you that sex constitutes a small part of their marital bond--an important part, but a more minor one nonetheless.
I'm not recommending this, but do you think, in this case, it would make more sense for a couple to experiment sexually before marriage than to rush into a premature commitment? Or, if self-control isn't working, is it better to go ahead and seal the matrimonial deal?
Do Christians get married for the wrong reasons?
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- From: jmisener@thepopsite
- Name: Jessica
- About Me: http://walkingcandystore.wordpress.com
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Comments (114)
I'll agree with you, and actually completely disagree with you at the same time.
And before i continue, i haven't read anyone elses reply yet... so if i copy the same thing that everyone else is saying.... then I apologize...
Okay, so i was brought up in a typically christian surroundings. Christian family / friends / school / church / etc. I was given the messages of hell and brimstone about pre-marital sex, and how its an abomination to God and this and that and this and that. So I completely understand where you're coming from on this Mikenpeg
But, I dont necessarily know that sex is the ultimate enemy. I mean, paul did kindof give us free range to get married to just have sex in the bible.... well if we didn't have enough self control
-- 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 (kjv)I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. (v9) But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to mary than to burn--
So all in all, based on that, i COMPLETELY disagree with you ... Seeing as how, the bible even gives us quasi permission to get married for sex. Now granted, those are just 2 verses taken out of a conversation where paul was urging everyone to be celibate, but still... take from that what you will....
But no, sex isn't the enemy here. Sex is just a physical act. Its amoral: I.E. has no moral alignment. Now, the PEOPLE having sex are definitely not amoral. So to say that a physical act is what shakes the foundations of a young marriage is kindof a dumb thought process.... no offense, but there just isn't any validity behind it.
The enemy to any young marriage (Christian or otherwise) is simply the fact that we all have this grand idea of what marriage is... and then freak out when we realize that its NOT what we thought it was. We all believe that "love" is what binds a marriage together. Which once again, i'm gonna go ahead and say that, love definitely does NOT bind a marriage together. That would be like saying that the money i paid to make this car is what holds it together... not the bolts rivets and seam welds. But no, Hard work and comittment are what binds marriages together. But given our culture of today... working hard, and committing to something really isn't our strong suit anymore.
We rely on the feeling of 'love' to get us through. Which i am a MASSIVE advocate that love is NOT a feeling... but more of a state of being.... a constant and relentless state of being. The "feeling" of love we get is some variation of infatuation... which is why we can "fall in" and "fall out" of love. So when we stop being infatuated by our significant other for long enough, then we simply assume that we've fallen out of love, and that it would be pointless to stay with a person i dont 'love' anymore. Love is obscenely significant in a marriage. Romance is a necessity. To feel loved, to be loved, no doubt about it... its SUCH a necessity... but to leave someone just because you dont feel loved any more is a complete load. Much less is the cowards way out. Just because one doesn't feel love, doesn't mean its not there. Just because one doesn't appear loving doesnt' mean they're not capable of it. Just because the relationship is stagnant doesn't mean that with 2 words of sweet talk from your significan other that one wouldn't fall right back in love.
No, love is way over emphasized in a relationship. Its the effort that not emphasized nearly enough. because hey, it takes work to love on someone. No one is so much of a cassinova that we just exude love. We have to make a mental and emotional effort to show it. Its all in the effort.
I dunno.. sex is the last thing that sabotages a marriage. Its us that do our own dirty work.
What's wrong with marrying young? I mean, I don't exactly think that a 6 month dating period is a good thing at all. But there is a difference between marrying young, and marrying in a hurry. I would like to graduate college and get married soon after. I want to have a family, that's one of my goals for my life. In getting married, sex may be an added bonus, but I plan to get married because I love my boyfriend and want to have a family with him. I also know that practically, I won't be getting married until the earliest of when I graduate from college.
But yes, I think that a short dating period before marrying is bad, people should date for at least a year before even getting engaged. And that kind of thing should only happen if you are actually old enough and have a stable enough life to actually practically get married.
the facts are that women were married off earlier in the not so distant past. men, historically, in many societies were older and expected to be more financially stable.
so, that leaves us with the gap of what young men were doing. they were getting their experiences somewhere! duh!! either with a first wife, a prostitute, a concubine, or an illicit youthful romance.Although I do think it consistent with Christian morals regarding sex to abstain until a public commitment (marriage) can be made, I can easily say that from a secular point of view, having sex before marriage includes a lot more risks than waiting to be married first. However, when your body starts talking to your brain in a "you'd better listen to me" tone, more than likely, the brain is going to draw conclusions that will eventually satisfy that desire. So when things seem to be 'falling into place' (ie: blessed), abstaining youngsters are delighted! When things aren't.... they brush them off as "the work of the devil" or "a test". It's a hard line to walk either way. And neither is extremely comfortable. You either get married young, and deal with those issues. Or you wait, and abstain, and feel as though you are burning alive sometimes. (The other options? Asexual feelings toward your "future spouse".)
People nowadays have problems with commitment in general, not just with sexual behaviors. We all need a good dose of anti-selfishness.
THE IDEA THAT MANY CHRISTIANS MARRY FOR SEX IS REAL AND TRUE, SOME WOMEN I KNOW HAVE BEEN MARRIED MANY TIMES ALL BECAUSE THEY WANTED INTIMACY AND IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE OUT SIDE THE CONFINES OF MARRIAGE, SO I ASK, IS DIVORCE BETTER
THAN HAVING AN AFFAIR OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE, OFCOURSE I AM SPEAKING TO CHRISTIANS, THIS IS A DIFFICULT QUESTION TO ANSWER FOR WOMEN WHO ARE 0LDER AND DESIRE A MATE BUT HAVE NO ONE ON THE HORIZON, WIDOWS, AND MOTHERS WITH CHILDREN, IDEALY, YOU WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT, BUT, AS THESE WOMEN GET OLDER THEY SETTLE FOR A COMPANION WITHOUT THE COMPLICATED ENTANGLEMENT OF MARRIAGE ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE BEEN DIVORCED A LONG TIME, I HAVE A VERY CLOSE WALK WITH THE LORD AND TRULY I RARELY THINK ABOUT IT, BUT SOMETIMES I DO THINK ABOUT IT AND I THINK WELL I'DE RATHER BURN WITH DESIRE THAN SIN, BUT THEN, AS A MAN THINKETH SO IS HE, THE TRUTH IS WE ALL AS CHRISTIANS WANT GOD'S BEST IN OUR LIVES, WE WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING, BUT WE ALL HAVE WEAK MOMENTS, WHEN WE FALL SHORT OF OUR GOALS, SO THEN WHAT SHALL WE DO? SIN BRINGS SUFFERING IN THE LONG RUN, SO HOPEFULLY WE LEARN TO DO THINGS GOD'SWAY, IF WE MAKE A WRONG DECISION, IT IS A SIN TO CONTINUE TO REHASH THE GUILT AND SHAME, SINCERELY, ASK FORGIVENESS AND GET A GOOD SUPPORT GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO THINK LIKE YOU DO, TRY TO BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF AND KNOW THAT EVERYONE SHARES THE SAME STRUGGLES, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. DO NOT MARRY FOR SEX.MARRY FOR LOVE, AND HAVE FUN HAVING SEX. IT IS GOD'S IDEA, AND IT IS A GIFT FOR MARRIAGE. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF OBSESSING ABOUT SEX YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, IT IS NOT BEING SPIRITUALLY SATISFIED, FIRST THING IS TO FIND A REALLY GOOD BIBLE STUDY AND MAKE YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE, THEN ASK THE LORD TO TAME THE SEXUAL HUNGER YOU FEEL BY CHANGING YOUR HEART, BECAUSE THE ROOT OF IT IS SELFISHNESS. PRAY FOR THE LORD TO GIVE YOU A GENEROUS HEART. SPEND MORE TIME HELPING OTHERS, VOLUNTEER, BEGIN TO GIVE YOURSELF TO OTHER THINGS AND SOON YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY INSIDE, SATISFIED AND FULFILLED THEN YOU WILL ATTRACT THE RIGHT KIND OF PERSON AND YOU MIGHT FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED FOR THE RIGHT REASON AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE SEX ANYTIME YOU WANT EVEN ON SUNDAYS, ITD A SPIRITUAL THANG, YOU CAN AND SHOULD PLAN YOUR PLAY TIME AND SNEAK AWAY JUST FOR THAT REASON, GOD DESIRES THAT YOU ENJOY THE WIFE/HUSBAND OF YOUR YOUTH! DON'T CRAVE SEX, CRAVE GOD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART. IT IS A PROMISE, AND GOD NEVER LIES!When you say that you don't think people should marry until after college--what moral place does college have in a marriage? College is an institution set up by the world and should not have any weight in the decision of whether or not to be married unless God is leading you to finish before you say "I do." The Bible does not say "you shall not marry before you finish college." It also does not give a standard age at which people should be married.
I am 19 and was just married a month ago to my wonderful husband. I know that at points in our marriage, I won't think he's so wonderful, but I know that God put him in my life so that we could be married and glorify Him through our bond.
I don't believe that sex should be the main driving force that determines whether or not two people should be married, but (as it has been said) Paul clearly states that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.Yes, my husband and I really REALLY wanted to have sex. Of course. It's only natural that we would have wanted that. However, I believe that spiritual maturity is highly necessary in order for marriage to be considered a wise step at any age.
I know 25-year-olds who aren't mature enough to be married. It isn't wise put an age-limit or a minimum amount of time you can know someone on something so weighty as marriage. God does not bring His children together in the same way in the same amount of time and at the same age as everyone else. He is more loving and creative and good than that.
My husband commented on a post similar to this a couple of months ago:
"The Bible doesn't say anything about needing to know each other a few years before being married. It doesn't say anything about spending those first few years getting to know each other. That's human guidance, nothing biblical. I'm also a young Christian about to get married. Heck yes, I want to have sex. I've been with the girl a year. I knew everything about her after the first 2 months. We were already discussing marriage then. I looked at all of her qualities and compared them with all other people, as she did mine. It doesn't take 3 years to do that.
If you're smart about choosing who you are going into a relationship with, it shouldn't be too hard to get it right within the first few people you date. Examine their qualities, tendencies, character worth, value, what kind of spouse they would be, their disposition to loyalty, and you know whether or not you are in a relationship with extreme potential.
Devoted young Christians will do that first, then decided whether or not to even begin a relationship. It all starts with finding a person with a servant's heart.
We're supposed to get married so when can have unsinful sex that leads us to children so we can fulfill one of God's first mandates for us. You think it's illogical, but we view it as the highest form of logic there is."
well most of the people who have gotten married in my church got married at over or around the age of thirty. i dont think that christian couples should experiement sexually before marriage because that's anti-biblical as several people have stated before me in various verses. also people shouldn't rush headlong into marriage. i haven't really seen anyone rushing headlong into marriage around me and i know a lot of people in church.
you got it right, it all comes down to sex. a lot of my christian friends got married you because of sex. they say it's to avoid temptation or sin so they get married.
I'm 25 and not married either. Don't feel so bad, I totally understand the pressure but don't let it get to you. You should marry if you find someone you love and respect and who does so in return -- and of course, want to spend your lives with each other.
To be honest, I've always heard that "sex before marriage" is evil and against God. But so is murder, rape, lying, adultery, gossiping and what not. Sin is sin, no matter what it is but a lot of Christians I've talked to have spoken so harshly against premarital sex more than anything else and while I understand that God has practical reasons for not having premarital sex i.e. STI/Ds, unplanned preganancies, unhealthy emotional attachment etc... I can't help but feel confused. We were made in God's image, and yet when Adam and Eve fell, we all have this 'sinful human nature' innate in us. Why does it have to be so conflicting? Having Christian beliefs, I too have stumbled -- but doesn't God treat all sins the same? It's not like we can stop sinning. We can try, but is it humanly possible? I know we should reply on God and the Holy Spirit, but is it entirely possible for mankind to not sin at all? I stumbled because I deeply loved the person and although a lot of people will say, "it's not an excuse", its my reason -- judge me if you will. I still keep praying that God will help me in all my weaknesses because I have way too many. IMHO, I've been with the same person for more than 3 years now, and I'm still finding out new things about him.
I think a lot of people rush into marriages for the wrong reason. Whether their familes are pressuring them, all their friends are getting married and they feel left out, their church is pressuring them because they've been seeing each other for about 2 years now and it is the right Christian thing to do... or even when they're getting to 'that age' where they should start setting down. If you're young, love each other and want to get married, do it -- being young when your children have grown up and able to enjoy more of life would be great. If you're older, love each other and want to get married do it -- you're mature, financially secure and know what you want, which is awesome too. But don't do it because you feel pressured by sex, people or situations. That is just wrong.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - @doolittle73@xanga - Very true!
Marriage is a sacred union.. Christians should be physically, emotionally, mentally and most importantly, spiritually ready before deciding to marry. :)
wow really? im so disqusted that u would even say anything like this. there is a reason they are called christians. they fallow christs example and the holy bible which says if you are led into sexual tempation u must marry. the point of dating is marriage n the point of marriage is to get closer to god together and live for him. if you think masrriage is for anything else then good luck staying married. in my church every married couple is happy and none are divorced out of the thousands. im sorry but u people dont realize the point of any sexual contact is a gift for a married couple to share only.
i learned the hard way. i screwed around when i was just 15 with guys and now i am living with the punishment from that. it affects ur kids and marrage every little sexual thing u do if ur not married.
u rele need to get ur mind straight on why god created marriage. and i regret it more than anything
@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - i completly agree with you!!!
@bdonovan -
First off, let me preface this by saying that I reply in all due respect. My points of view pretty drastically differ from yours, and i want it to be known that i intend no disrespect in what i'm saying
Regardless, I also say all this under the pretense that I was brought up in a very christian family / church / friends / graduated from a christian school etc etc etc ... so that is to say that i reply being under the know of the average christian / spiritual mindset.
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"...SO I ASK, IS DIVORCE BETTERTHAN HAVING AN AFFAIR OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE"
So essentially you're asking which is more permissable... infidelity or divorce? I guess i wonder why we're made to choose either? You say this as if the women you spoke of are forced to infidelity or forced to divorce. Why cant repiration be an option here? What happened to communication and hard work? If my wife is cheating on me, shouldn't i be man enough to at least TRY to work things out? Sure the bible does say that the only permissable reason for divorce is infidelity, but even in that case, i would be willing to wager that God isn't even horribly happy when a couple gets divorced. If I remember correctly, the idea of divorce was instituted only because people begged and whined about it enough for God to kindof give in ... as he the isrealites had a tendency to do (if we take reference from the old testament) I dunno.. i still maintain that neither is horribly permissable. I'd push more on the side of just .. taking responsibility for your own actions. Aren't we as christians charged with the upkeep of our brothers and sisters to "restore" each other and to stand strong so that we dont fall ourselfs? I mean, divorce is the lazd coward way out.
--Side note-- I make this comment about divorce SPECIFICALLY speaking about infideltty...
"...IF YOU FIND YOURSELF OBSESSING ABOUT SEX YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, IT IS NOT BEING SPIRITUALLY SATISFIED, FIRST THING IS TO FIND A REALLY GOOD BIBLE STUDY AND MAKE YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE, THEN ASK THE LORD TO TAME THE SEXUAL HUNGER YOU FEEL BY CHANGING YOUR HEART, BECAUSE THE ROOT OF IT IS SELFISHNESS. PRAY FOR THE LORD TO GIVE YOU A GENEROUS HEART. SPEND MORE TIME HELPING OTHERS, VOLUNTEER, BEGIN TO GIVE YOURSELF TO OTHER THINGS AND SOON YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY INSIDE, SATISFIED AND FULFILLED THEN YOU WILL ATTRACT THE RIGHT KIND OF PERSON AND YOU MIGHT FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED FOR THE RIGHT REASON AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE SEX "
Okay, this is where i COMPLETLEY disagree with you.
First of all, WHERE do you find the reasoning to say that "IF YOU FIND YOURSELF OBSESSING ABOUT SEX YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" ... This thought process is neither logical nor biblical whatsoever! As humans, were we not created to desire each other? Did God not very specifically give us the hormones to make us ridiculously desire sex? Really? I dont think anyone ever contests that sex is definitely God based.. so how does desiring something that is God instituted equate to being "a problem"
In my oppinion, it is this philosophy right here that has completley sabatoged every christians sexual mindest. We all agree that sex (in the bounds of marriage) is only a good thing. The problem is, is that we are almost never taught self controll. We're rarely taught to understand and accurately process through our sexual anxieties. We're never instructed. All we're ever taught to do is run away from it. You say that sexual urges are a sign of spiritual unsatisfaction? Once again, in all due respect, but that is the craziest thing i've ever heard! Sex is purely a physical act... and by itself has no spiritual effect. It can only carry a physical effect. This thought process is 100% absolutely inacurate!
And in the way of curbing one's sexual appetite, sure, having a bible study and being held accountable is a fantastic idea. But once again, we treat sex and sexual desire as if its brought on by the devil. Sure, the devil can definitley use our sexual desire turn against us.. and often does... but how come we dont find ourselfs being held accountable for being selfish, or angry, or heaven forbid, being obeese!!? But to pick on sexuality is only crippeling us. Because in the end, we pray for God to take away our sexual desires, which i still contest was PUT there by Him in the first place... I mean, he did say that it wasn't good for man (aka adam) to be alone... I mean, we're INTENDED to desire someone else. So we pray for something that directly contradicts our inerhant makeup.. and then we go out and belive that doing good deeds and christian services are going to some how "cure" us of our desires. When all we've done is effectively stifled ourselfs... So, its no wonder that christians burn in desire, and get married only to have sex.. because if our typicaly christian church did their job as they normally do, they've only stifled our understanding and mindset of sex.
Seriously.. .when are we going to belive that SEX IS NOT BAD... for me to be physically attracted to that woman IS NOT BAD... For me to WANT to have sex with that woman IS NOT BAD... its all a game of self controll and understanding what we controll!
In my oppinion, you've only perpetuated a horrible theology which, AT BEST, is rarely biblicaly based!
Well, I do believe sex is a very spiritual act and ofcourse I believe that restoration is always best but, unfortunately not always an option, unless we lived in a perfect world. I do believe it is wrong to dwell on sin period, and sex with one whom you are not married to is a sin.I stand by my comments and I think that I speak from a very scriptual foundation. I am glad for the dialog, but sometimes you just have to disagree. Love is not selfish, desires no wrong. I know that God created sex for marriage, my comments were related as a perspective that I constantly hear among single women, I was not agreeing or disagreeing, I believe getting your mind free from captivity, ie; thoughts about sex and other things that are not a privledge for the unmarried takes work, and bible study doesn't mean you are denying your feelings it means you are thinking satisfying thoughts, not dis-satisfying ones. I appreciate your thoughts ,thanks for sharing them. I don't think anyone said sex is bad. but where can you find in the bible that lust is good? There is a big difference in love, desire and lust. b donovan
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I would consider myself to be a fairly traditional and conservative guy who has been attending Church off and on all my life. I would always find it amazing how most people my age or younger were either married or in relationships. I always felt out of place and a little jealous of all those people. It seems to me that it is the people who come from a long line of Christians stretching back into the mists of time are ones who are married at such a young age. My Christianity has ebbed and flowed over the years, mostly due to the fact that I haven't been able to relate to these people overly well. Perhaps I have too much of the freethinker in me, as much as I try to suppress it.
 I do admire the commitment of these young Christian couples and would like to give them the benefit of the doubt regarding the marriage for sex thing. I think that Christians of whatever relationship status should be careful not to judge one another. Single Christians should not think that young married Christians are jumping into marriage and married Christians shouldn't think that single Christians are somehow lacking.