Friday, 10 July 2009
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Young Christians Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
I'm 25 and not married. By Christian standards, I'm already an old maid.Christians are known for getting hitched early in life, a fact we could attribute to emphasis on family values, godly commitment to stick it out in a relationship, etc. But I think it often boils down to one thing: sex.
When premarital sex isn't an option for you, those early, passionate moments in a dating relationship can be tough. So what do you do? Rush through the courtship, get engaged after a few months and say "I do" by the time the 6-month mark rolls around.
The problem is, what do these couples do once the honeymoon phase (and the actual honeymoon) wears off? Sex is not enough to sustain a marriage. In fact, most married couples will tell you that sex constitutes a small part of their marital bond--an important part, but a more minor one nonetheless.
I'm not recommending this, but do you think, in this case, it would make more sense for a couple to experiment sexually before marriage than to rush into a premature commitment? Or, if self-control isn't working, is it better to go ahead and seal the matrimonial deal?
Do Christians get married for the wrong reasons?
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- From: jmisener@thepopsite
- Name: Jessica
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Comments (114)
I think it's okay to experience a little before marriage, if you are already in a pretty strong relationship and are smart about it. The idea of no premarital sex was established a long time ago, and maybe can be loosed a little (though not a lot).
this is very true! i have had so many friends that have decided to get married at such a young age..
i believe that it takes time to actually build up that relationship.. i am not saying that it could
end up in a serious divorce but i do agree that it could lead into bad things
Last month alone, three of my Christian friends all got engaged within days of each other, all of them between the ages of 20 and 23. Personally I think it's a bad idea to get married before finishing college, and as for me, I have no clue what I'm doing with my life and wouldn't want to get married before finding a stable job. But the reason I hear the most for not waiting until marriage for sex is because of the fact that people married young "back in the day," around the time that those sexual instincts started kicking in. But you will never find any Christian who will say that sex before marriage is permissible.
I'm 18 and engaged,but it's because I have been with him over 3 years.This october will be our 4 year anniversary and we're both completly committed to each other.I think it's a horrible idea to marry because of sex.It will lead to nothing,but a divorce that could have been avoided in my opinion.As for 'experimenting' I don't think that's such a good idea.People can control themselves if they truly love each other.If you truly love someone than sex will not be the most major point of the relationship and it can survive without it till you're married.It's not real easy,but it is possible.
i would say if you want to expend the mystery and the God-granted pleasure sex in marriage provides and waste the pleasure of sex in marriage... not to mention destroy and cheapen the desire for each other... i say yea... but the ramifications are dire...
now.. i don't think there are any bad reasons for younger Christians to get married... in fact, the younger the marriage, and the more solid the couple is built upon the foundation of Christ... then I actually think it's ok... there aren't real bad reasons... the only reason why I think we have "bad' reasons is because we in the church have base our ideals upon what the Church culture has prescribed which many times is unBiblical...
get married FOR sex... no... get married because you know it's a need... Paul said so... "It is better to get married to stop you from burning with passion..." I think he was just being honest and if we are honest, I say we as singles would admit to burning with passion... so it's not a matter of stifling it more so than channeling it in your marriage...
but there really no wrong or bad reason to get married... marriage done Christ-like and Biblically regardless of age is fine... the question though isn't when one is too young to get married, the question is whether each person is truly founded upon Christ individually and can each person serve one another in light of Christ...
St. Paul had an opinion on the matterand he shared it when he wrote,
1Corinthians 7:9
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
I don't know of any scriptures that promote the idea of sexual interactions before marriage. I also don't think that was a cultural practice either, I believe it is a moral practice for all believers to be chaste until marriage.
Treating humans like cars doesn't work. Love doesn't selfishly and uncontrollably take test drives but rather makes commitments and honors them.
Sex outside of marriage is sexual immorality because it is sexual immoral.
1Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside
his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do
you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in
you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1Corinthians 10:8
We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.
Ephesians 5:3
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexualimmorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.
1Thesselonians 4:3-8
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and
that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage
of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already
told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
(For the record, I don't see people viewing Christians as "those people who marry really young" or know of any believers who view 25 year old singles as "old maids.")
If people are getting married only because they wish to have sex without sin, they are missing the whole point of marriage.
I would say to cut the passionate moments in dating. The young people wouldn't become disillusioned with each other and would be able to make more mature decisions as to whether or not to marry at all.
Oh goodness. I brought up this very topic with my roommate recently. And she was quite offended that I even thought of that. She and her boyfriend just met last August, didn't even start hanging out until December, have only been dating since February, and are already talking about getting married in the Fall (she's 19, he's 24). Did I mention the fact that the only way they know each other is in the context of a super small, strict, Christian college? To me, it seems like you can't truly know someone if you've only seen them in such a restrictive context; it's easy to behave yourself and put on a mask at a place like this.
She was really upset (and yet, couldn't come up with a good defense) when I suggested that Christians get married younger in general because they want to have sex. But think about it, it's totally logical! People who don't have an issue with sex outside of marriage can sleep around all they want or live with their S.O. Christians don't believe this is okay, therefore they tend to jump into marriage earlier because they simply can't wait.
And I totally agree that most Christians get married young. Especially people from my school (it's a 3 year program, so many people get married right after school.... thus many get married as young as 20 or 21). Also, I know quite a few people who decided to quit after one year because they want to get married. They also tend to start poppin' off babies right away, lol.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - Wow, sounds like the story of my life. Within the past year nearly all the young adults at my church got married, engaged, or are in a relationship that will quite possibly soon become marriage. Except me and my two best friends. And I agree with you, getting married before you're done with college is a bad idea (I know people who have done it and they all regret not finishing first) and I also think that having a stable job is necessary. Sooo many of my friends who married young are financially insecure and are always complaining about money (and yet, they all spend it on unnecessary things, such as entertainment and whatnot, rather than bills, food, furniture, etc). It's just a bad idea.
I'm the only one my age who isn't married [I'll be twenty three in a couple weeks]. It's crazy! I do have to mention that my friends[except one] who have gotten married dated for at least two years. I don't think that I could wait that long. Just being honest. As close as I am with my friends, I know that they waited to have sex for their honeymoon. That's my goal too, but I don't think I would be able to hold out if I was dating someone for a long time. I know how tense things can get. I guess that's why I've been single for over two and a half years.
Now the younger crowd [18 & 19 year olds] is getting engaged. *sigh*
You say all that like it's a bad thing. Do I detect a touch of cynicism?
What do these couples, who actually take their relationship seriously enough to commit to it totally, do "when the honeymoon phase wears off"? If they follow what the Bible teaches about commitment, they settle down to the serious work of building their lives around God and each other, and loving each other like Jesus does. They pray for each other, support each other, encourage each other, and help each other. They work to become more selfless. They rejoice and laugh in their incompatibilities, and embrace each other as unique individuals. They bring each other closer to Jesus. They find out ways to love each other that go miles deeper than the romantic enchantment they had at first.
And you know what? All of that, if done regularly, is a huge romantic turn-on. Sex is not enough to sustain a marriage, but a good marriage is enough to sustain sex.
I can't get married until my boyfriend gets a better job and I get some college done. I think by then I'll be able to know if its meant to be. ;P (We've been "dating" for over a year...) I'm not marrying him just for the sex, I'm marrying him because he's my best friend and a very strong man of God.
@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - I totally agree with you! My husband and I got married young and even though we didn't get married for the sex it took us a long time to figure this out and we did have problems that are getting better now. You just have to commit.
I don't think it's just Christians, I think it's everyone...especially due to the over-sexualization of things 'round here thesedays.
This is one of the reasons why Christians who (wrongfully) think masturbation is a sin, are doing harm. Many of these marriages end up in divorce.
The Question is way to broad to answer with any kind of definitive "yes" or "no" statement.
On the one side we have "Christians" who, as you stated it, are rushing through the courtship phase to get married so that they can have sex. I think most people know someone like that.
However, we also have the flip-side of this side of the spectrum-- Christians that enter into a relationship and court each other for a year or two (including their engagement, perhaps). They obstain from sex and also manage to walk as God intended them to walk-- in His Spirit. They not only grow together personally, but also spiritually. When they get married this has primed them for a very healthy relationship.
We can't, however, forget the other side of the spectrum-- in this scenario, those who engage in premarital sex. There are some, as you suggested, that might be able to focus more on the getting to know each other because they are having sex (even though they sacrifice pleasing God to do so). Although, there are also a lot of people that I have encountered that "experiment" with each other before they're married (trying to see if they are compatible, etc). If they come to someone they're not compatible with, they move on. If they Do, however, get someone they are compatible with, then I have seen that the opposite of what you suggested happens: they become more enthralled in the sexuality of their relationship and neglect getting to know each other more than if they had remained chast.
So, as far as 'right' or 'wrong' reasons for marriage-- no one can say yes or no to that question (honestly). However, you can address that they have remained righteous in their relationship (at least in the sexual aspect) by keeping their bodies pure and (hopefully) their minds.
Premarital sex is never an option!!! The Bible says that whoever commits fornication sins against their own body 1Corinthians 6:18-20. What is the definition of fornication? SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!! Not to brag or bring attention to us but my wife and I didnt even kiss before our marriage. We wanted to build our relationship on the real things of life and not on the sexual. We are now so glad that we didn't bring that kind of baggage into our marriage. Was it hard? Absolutely!!! This is when you rely on the power of God
@Pieces_of_a_Melody@xanga - I've been happily married for five years and I'm 24, hubby is 26. When I got engaged, one of my close friends asked me if I was marrying him so we could have sex. I found it to be a hurtful, spiteful, and ignorant thing for her to say. Took me a couple weeks to get over it. I told her I was engaged, hoping she would be happy for me. Instead, she discarded everything she knew about who I was and immediately cast suspicion on my motives. Not cool.
I don't suggest you had this kind of attitude with your friend. I just would like to point out that however "logical" your thoughts about why young Christians want to marry quickly, your friend is not a statistic. She's a person. She has reasons for what she does. Maybe you should respect them instead of belittling them with your theory.
As for the question, even if you do marry someone for such a superficial reason as sex, you can still make that relationship work--because as@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - said, relationships ARE work. Don't focus on sex so much. And don't judge your fellow Christian ladies so harshly. Each and every one of them has their own reasons for why they chose to marry. It is for you to hope and pray for their marriages, that they are huge successes in longterm teamwork. It's a sad thing to scoff at something that may one day be deeply beautiful and the hub of a brand new family.
~Victoria
How weird, I'm usually the one to bring up the controversial subjects... but I actually agree with the conservatives on this one. If someone wants to have sex before marriage, that's their choice... but I really don't think it's such a good decision.
I do know what you mean though. I met a girl I really liked, but manted to wait until after college to get married. Guess what... she's married now, along with half my youth group. I'm starting to think that the ones who put off marriage will find all the "good" girls are taken....
I think this is far too generalized, first of all. While it may seem that way because we've all heard our anecdotal stories, I don't think most young Christian couples are getting married for the sake of sex. I know I'm not! I recently got engaged (at the young age of 18) because the man I'm marrying is committed (as am I). We've dated for 2 years, been best friends for 4. If anyone else (say in their late twenties) had that kind of commitment it wouldn't be shocking that they were getting married. Why does age automatically result in suspicions that it's not as genuine?
Maturity is more of a tell-all in regards to readiness. Perhaps those who are getting married young and who are more immature only have those selfish reasons. Hopefully not! I think Christian couples get married younger not because of the physical limitations prior to the sacrament, but because they don't jump through the dating game hoops as often. Christians have a strength because of their relationship with God which can help discern if the person is right or wrong, thus assuring the future in a sense. There's generally less confusion and restlessness which can move things right along.
That's my humble opinion. :)
well, as long as they dont add to the overpopulation thing we have going on earth.
the later a woman gets married (because of education probably), the fewer children she will have. yay! 25 is the age most people get married, anyway. post college years, which is pretty good.
@itsaverb@xanga - the earlier you get married, the more kids you pop out.
@snapeful@xanga - I think I missed the tie-in...
My husband and I dated almost a year, then were engaged for another 7 months. We knew each other well for 4 years before we started dating. We were both virgins when we got married, in fact, 'never been kissed' till our wedding day. Call us hopelessly old-fashioned, but three years later, our 'honeymoon' is better than ever.
Christians who marry only for sex shouldn't throw stones at someone who has premarital sex, since the motive is same for both. Sure, it wasn't always easy for us to stay pure, sure, we were aware that sex came with the marriage package, and of course we looked forward to it, but if you let your whole relationship center around sex, it won't last long, whether it's an unmarried relationship or NOT!
My personal opinion is that if you're not mature enough to wait till marriage or not rush into it for sex, you're not mature enough to be having sex OR getting married.