Thursday, 09 July 2009

• Following God's Plan for Me, Despite My Stuttering

  (This is a slightly amended version of a talk I gave at a Newman Center retreat at college. I’d like to share it with the Revelife community.)
  
  Through the people who I’ve come to know during these 20 years of my life, I’ve discovered that God has blessed everyone with individual gifts. He calls each of us to use our gifts to find our place in this world and grow in our relationship with Him.
  
  Recently, I’ve heard a lot of quotes about God having our whole path laid out for us already. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In their hearts, human beings plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” A DJ on the Christian radio station I listen to back home once said, “Stay in step with God. He’s laid out the steps anyway.” But I know from experience, staying in step with God is easier said than done. Sometimes there’s something in our life that hinders us from using these gifts, a burden we have to overcome.
  
  In the past couple of years, God has helped me to discover and develop two of the gifts he has blessed me with. Since I was about 7 years old, I’ve always had a passion for writing. I’ve written everything from poems to short stories to newspaper articles. Recently, I’ve felt that God has been calling me to journalism. Not only can I use my writing talent, but I can also reach out to people and interact with the community.
  
  I now write for my campus newspaper, and whenever I cover an event or interview someone for a story, I have this amazing satisfying feeling. It’s as if God’s telling me, “Yes, Amanda! This is exactly what you should be doing!”
  
  In the spiritual side of my life, I feel that God has a calling for me as well. My involvement in the Life Teen youth group at my church brought me to the point of cherishing my faith and placing it as number one in my life.
  
  My experience with Life Teen really got me thinking – I want to help other youth to grow in their faith just as the Life Teen leaders had helped me. I really love to share my faith with others and help them along their spiritual journey. In fact, that’s what I’m doing right now as a retreat leader!
  
  But it’s not always easy for me to use either of these gifts. It takes a whole lot of courage. From a very young age, I’ve had a problem with stuttering when I speak. It seriously takes a strong hold on my life, sometimes to the point of controlling it. Sometimes it takes me two or three agonizing hours to bring myself to pick up the phone and call my contacts to schedule an interview – and that’s not even the interview itself! Even when I share my faith with others on retreats like this one, I’m always worried that my stuttering will take away from the message that I’m trying to get across.
  
  Last semester, my Journalism teacher noticed that I stutter and pulled me over at the end of class about it. He recommended that I look into speech therapy. He even helped me to find these resources and referred me to the on-campus Speech and Language Clinic. I went for an evaluation at the clinic, and they are planning to schedule therapy sessions with me in the near future. They told me that although they may not stop the stuttering problem altogether, they will give me strategies that will help me to avoid it.
  
  (Added: Although the on-campus clinic could not fit me into their schedule mid-semester, I am now receiving therapy at home during my summer break.)
  
  Many different emotions have been going through my mind about this situation. I’ve prayed about it very deeply. I remember that this past winter break, I attended Times Square Church with a close friend. It’s a non-denominational, very charismatic church and, as a Catholic, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Towards the end of the service, they had an altar call. The pastor invited members of the congregation to come up to the altar for a prayer if they wanted to initiate or renew their relationship with Jesus. Then, he said that if anyone in the congregation was struggling with burdens in their life, they could come up to the front as well. My friend stood up, and she beckoned for me to join her. I felt uncomfortable at first, so I refused.
  
  She insisted, and I finally got up and went with her. As soon as I got to the foot of that altar, I knew why I was there. The pastor told us, “give your burdens up to God.” I was standing there drawn to tears, earnestly praying that God would take my stuttering away from me. I told Him that I was frustrated because it prevents me from following in the steps that He has laid out for me.
  
  I walked away from that altar elated, thinking I was miraculously “healed.” I thought, if Jesus could make the blind man see, then maybe I would never stutter again. I was initially upset to find out that was not the case.
  
  For a little while, I was angry with God. I cried out to Him, asking Him why He couldn’t just make it easy for me. Why couldn’t my stuttering just go away? I thought that maybe Journalism wasn’t for me. Journalists always seem so poised and professional, but my stuttering makes me appear insecure and childish. I even doubted my calling to youth ministry. I thought that the teenagers would not take me seriously unless I portray myself to be confident, a role model figure for them.
  
  The more I prayed to God, the more I realized that He was drawing me closer to my calling to journalism and youth ministry rather than away. My prayer at the altar was answered that night – but according to God’s plan, not mine. God did not give me the easy way out. He wants me to place my trust in Him, follow in the steps that He already laid out for me, and work to overcome this burden in my life.
  
  Let me be clear though – God did not completely leave me to overcome my stuttering problem on my own. A family friend and neighbor once told me, “When God puts something on your heart to do, He’s not asking you to do it on your own. He’s asking you to ask Him to help you do it.” I know that God wants me to respond to his call for me, and to someday overcome my stuttering problem. I asked him to help me do this – and He is.
  
  He put the Journalism teacher in my life to help me address the problem, and directed me to the resources at the Speech and Language Clinic to work towards solving it.
  
  All of this proves to me just how powerful God’s calling is. He wouldn’t let me give up my two passions in life for something that, in His eyes, is trivial. God knows my place in this world, and He has helped me to realize it as well. Now, He and I are working together to overcome something that has long prevented me from dedicating my life to these things.
  
  I hope you all can apply my message to the way God is working in your lives. It’s so encouraging to think that, long before you set foot on this Earth, God already had plans for you and knew where your life was going. One of my favorite Bible passages, often quoted on retreats, is Jeremiah 29:11 – ‘”For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” God’s calling for you is far more powerful than the burdens in your life that prevent you from responding to it. Just trust and pray to Him and He will help you, with time, to overcome it all and become the person that He created you to be.
  
  One of my favorite songs called “Here I Am” by Downhere really helps me to realize just how powerful God’s calling is. I encourage you to reflect on and pray the words of the second verse, “Setbacks and failures and upset plans/test my faith and leave me with empty hands/Are you not the closest/When it’s hardest to stand/ I know that You will finish what You began.”
  
  

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