Tuesday, 23 June 2009

• There Once was an Apostle from Nantucket: Hilarious Bible Stories

  Some people paint the Bible as all stern rebuke and punishment, or all stuffy rules and thou-shalt-nots, or all vengeful fire and brimstone. But, there's a side of the Bible that not many of us have considered: it's hilarious.

  That's right, there's a humorous vein to several Bible stories that we often miss in our hurry to sermonize or chug through our daily readings. I present to you Bible Comedy Hour. Please tip your deacons.

  - Naked Men, part 1: Mark 14:51-52

  A certain young man was following him, wearing nothing but a linen cloth. They caught hold of him, but he left the linen cloth and ran off naked.

  This incident shows up only in the Gospel of Mark. Once the disciples have abandoned Jesus in Gethsemane, this mysterious man also flees, and in such a hurry that he leaves behind his clothes. Bible scholars debate the identity of the naked disciple, but most concur that the symbolism lies in the linen. That is, the cowardice of the disciples and this man, who sheds his linen cloth, contrats with the courage of Jesus, who follows his path even to the death, where he appears in his linen burial garments.
  

  - Naked Men, part 2: Acts 19:13-16

  Then some itinerant Jewish exorcists tried to use the name of the Lord Jesus over those who had evil spirits, saying, ‘I adjure you by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims.’ Seven sons of a Jewish high priest named Sceva were doing this. But the evil spirit said to them in reply, ‘Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?’ Then the man with the evil spirit leapt on them, mastered them all, and so overpowered them that they fled out of the house naked and wounded.

  The sons of Sceva were seven mischievous boys growing up in Ephesus who, seeing all the cool miracles Paul and co. were doing around the Mediterranean, decided to try it out for themselves. Yet, when they attempt to drive out a demon-possessed man, the spirit smirks and turns on them, kicking their butts and sending them scattering in terror. That'll teach you to play smarty-pants with the spirit world.

  - Paul Literally Bores People to Death: Acts 20:7-12

  On the first day of the week, when we met to break bread, Paul was holding a discussion with them; since he intended to leave the next day, he continued speaking until midnight. There were many lamps in the room upstairs where we were meeting. A young man named Eutychus, who was sitting in the window, began to sink off into a deep sleep while Paul talked still longer. Overcome by sleep, he fell to the ground three floors below and was picked up dead. But Paul went down, and bending over him took him in his arms, and said, ‘Do not be alarmed, for his life is in him.’ Then Paul went upstairs, and after he had broken bread and eaten, he continued to converse with them until dawn; then he left. Meanwhile they had taken the boy away alive and were not a little comforted.

  The next time you feel like you're not going to stay awake through that entire boring sermon, consider poor Eutychus. In Troas, Paul got caught up in his preaching and decided to keep going until midnight. As Paul rambled on and on, a boy named Eutychus began to drift off, until he really started sawing logs, leaned back and tumbled out a third-story window to his death. Paul luckily performs a miracle and restores his life. The lesson here: the next time you're dozing in church, don't lean back too far.

  - Old Testament Wisdom, "Everybody Loves Raymond" Edition

  It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and fretful wife. (Proverbs 21:19)

  A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands. (Proverbs 27:15-16)

  Whoever blesses a neighbour with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing. (Proverbs 27:14)

  - Don't Use Your Favorite Sword to Assassinate a Fat Person: Judges 3:16-23

  Ehud made for himself a sword with two edges, a cubit in length; and he fastened it on his right thigh under his clothes. Then he presented the tribute to King Eglon of Moab. Now Eglon was a very fat man. ... Ehud came to him, while he was sitting alone in his cool roof-chamber, and said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ So he rose from his seat. Then Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Eglon’s belly; the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Then Ehud went out into the vestibule,and closed the doors of the roof-chamber on him, and locked them.

  When the judge Ehud goes to murder Eglon, the Moabite king, he makes an 18-inch long double edged sword and carries out the deed. However, upon stabbing the king in the stomach, the entire sword, handle and all, disappears into the man's abdomen (all 18 inches!). It's a bit grotesque, but Eglon goes down in history as someone in desperate need of the South Beach Diet and a good abs tightening routine. Ehud's feat restored peace to Israel for the next 80 years.

  - Paul's To-Do List: 2 Timothy 4:9-13

  Do your best to come to me soon, for Demas, in love with this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica; Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful in my ministry. I have sent Tychicus to Ephesus. When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, also the books, and above all the parchments.

  Even apostles can forget to turn off the coffee-maker and pick up the dry-cleaning. In closing the second letter to Timothy, Paul ticks off his usual laundry list of greetings, then reminds Timothy to get his cloak back from some dude named Carpus, and to bring along Paul's left-behind books and parchments. Don't forget to pick up a gallon of milk on your way home, either, Timothy. Paul likes 2%.

  - Wise Words for Every Napping College Student: Proverbs 20:13

  Do not love sleep, or else you will come to poverty;
     open your eyes, and you will have plenty of bread.

  - Every Napping College Student's Rebuttal: Ecclesiastes 12:12

  ... much study wearies the body.

  What Bible stories do you find funny?
  

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