As a young Christian woman, I've recently become very interested in the writings of Leslie Ludy, a bestselling Christian author who is passionat
e about
reaching young women with the message of Jesus Christ. Her writings often reflect upon issues that I deal with in my faith journey and help me to
discover how I can live a life that's more centered in Christ.
As I was skimming through the different reflections, blogs and articles that appear on Ludy's website, I came across something in the
Q&A section that really hit home for me. A girl wrote to Ludy asking for advice, saying that she's a college sophomore and has never been in a serious relationship (which I could immediately relate to, since I'm a rising college
junior in the same situation). The girl wrote about her frustration about the fact that our culture, even Christian culture, places a great deal of emphasis on relationships. She mentioned that she has prayed to God, asking Him to "write her love story" (as I have), but she has faced an incredible amount of pressure from her Christian community towards a relationship and ultimately marriage.
Girls are praised when they have found their dream man, but when they still have yet to find "Prince Charming," they are told that God will one day place a man in their lives -- as if the sole purpose of their lives is to get married. The letter-writer asked Ludy how to respond to people who keep emphasizing the need for her to have a man in her life without sounding jealous or bitter.
In her response to the writer, Ludy agreed that Christian communities tend to be very unsupportive of single women. Often, the very people who should be inspiring them to live a life completely devoted to Christ are the ones who severely lower their self-esteem, leading them to believe that they need a marriage to be complete. For single women, unfortunately, a Christian community often presents a source of discouragement instead of encouragement.
Sometimes, the emphasis Christian communities place on marriage is so great that the single life is harshly condemned as sinful. Ludy quotes a book entitled
Getting Serious About Getting Married – Rethinking the Gift of Singleness that says:
The belief that remaining single is legitimate and godly is a work of the devil. Read that again: Satan dishonors marriage by fooling us into believing that singleness is okay (page 43).
…men and women who are not connected in marriage are like the mutilated members of a mangled body (page 28).
WOW. If this is true, it means that there is no way for a woman to glorify God other than getting married, her so-called "duty." I agree with Ludy in her disagreement with this view. As Ludy pointed out, this message leads many Christian women to settle for men who are mediocre and self-centered, just so they can supposedly fulfill God's will.
As Ludy pointed out, single women should not let their lives be consumed by their perceived "need" to find a man. All that a woman should be concerned with is devoting her life to Jesus Christ and serving Him faithfully. Upon reading this, I thought of the words of a song by John Waller called "
While I'm Waiting." Here are the lyrics to the chorus:
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.While a woman is waiting to find the man of her dreams, she should not fall into a slump of misery. Her heart should be enlivened and she should grow deeper in her relationship with God. If she happens to fall in love with a man, oh how lucky that man will be to find a woman who is so devoted to living her life for the Lord. If she does not, that's fine too, because her relationship with God is enough for her and provides the eternal fulfillment that no human relationship can.
When a woman's eyes are solely focused on receiving the applause of Heaven, and no one or nothing else -- not even the Church community, they will develop a different feeling about their singleness, one that is joyful rather than bitter.
Ludy's words truly inspired me and helped me to reevaluate my singleness as a blessing rather than a burden. My singleness is a journey, not some sort of trapped prison. It's a journey of growing in my trust of the Lord and believing that He has a plan for me -- and whether it be single or married life, it won't matter. On my journey of singleness,
I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.
Do you believe singleness is a blessing or a burden for a young woman? Do you think the Christian Church often places too much emphasis on marriage for women? If you're a single Christian woman, how do you deal with the sometimes excess pressure towards married life?
Comments (45)
In Genesis God decided it would be in Adam's best interests to create a "suitable Helper" - one who could ultimately help Adam follow God's Way.
Single Christian women who fear the Lord are a rare Jewel according to the Creator of the Universe. No one in their right mind would give away a million dollar diamond with very little thought -- so too should single Christian women guard their heart with all wisdom and guard this precious precious time alone with Jesus as you will have many distractions down the road when you cleave to your future husband and begin raising children.
Something to ponder...
If God made Eve as a suitable Helper for Adam...
I encourage all single Christian women reading this to begin seeking ways to help your brothers, and fathers, and especially look for ways to help and encourage single Christian brothers. I believe in so doing that at the right time, in the right season, God will fulfill the ultimate desires of your heart with the RIGHT man and will affirm this man through your Christian friends and family.
Great post! And I agree that Leslie Ludy writes some great books!
Thanks for writing this and for all the people who commented =)
Marriage can be both incredibly good and incredibly bad. It can also be inbetween.
Until I'm at the place where I can have an incredibly good marriage (or build one) with the right guy, I'd prefer to be single. Does that mean my life is awesome without one, no. I would prefer to be married. Like the bible says, God said that it wasn't good for man to be alone. Eve wasn't an afterthought, both men and women were created with two different natures that compliment each other to create a whole. And when two marry they're meant to become one - those differences making a stronger union that can accomplish a lot more and create a family unit that completes both.
When a woman has a partner championing her gifts and abilities she can achieve a lot more. And the same for a man. But when those conflict - it's a matter of working out which sacrafice from either side is the best for the common good. That creates a very strong force. Two people working together as a team when niether are using each other can combine two lots of resources to achieve a great deal in life and provide a very healthy base for raising children.
It's two bringing all their God given giftings and strengths to a partnership - not to lay down those things in that partnership, but to give them an even stronger place to grow. And in a situation where character needs to be built in mutual sacrafice to refine the ebb and flow of those abilities.
In the bible singleness for God is described as a gift. Paul had that gift but not everyone has. And if you don't have it, you'll be left feeling incomplete without marriage. That doesn't mean you're weaker. It just means you wern't given that gift. Enoch was married, yet God took him. Job was so righteous even Satan couldn't find anything to accuse him of before God. He was married. If Abrahem and Sarah had never been married, the nation of Israel would have never existed. And growing up in a single parent 'family'* wouldn't have been much fun for Jesus either (hence the need for Joseph.) Being single isn't a 'higher' call. It's just a different call.
I would really like to be married, however I don't want to be limited or squashed or have to deal with unnecessary pressures that I don't want to have to deal with at this time either.
So it has to be the right guy and the right timing for me or no dice. To not wait would be to show a lack of trust in God and hinder or cripple his calling on my life. (The same as any christian.)
I'm not willing to do that.
I personally don't believe that singleness is a 'gift' unless you're given the 'gift' of singleness.
However we live in a fallen world, and to be unwise with our decisions regarding marriage will only cause us suffering. So all we can do is try to do the best we can at every stage in life and honour God with the best of our ability as we go.
*the term 'single parent 'family' is an oxymoron. Speaking as one who came from that background. It's not a 'family' it's part of a family. Part meaning incomplete. (And not saying that a person is 'wrong' to be in that situation, stuff in life can happen, just that trying to call it a 'family' to be politically correct is a cop-out.) Nearly half of all western children are now born out of wedlock for reasons like this.
A family is a family. A single parent with children, is a single parent with children. Blend those boundaries and you start debasing the need for and sanctity of marriage for childrearing, whether a person realises it or not.
Being a guy I can't speak for the pressures towards females to get married, but let me tell ya, I get plenty of pressure from others to "hurry up and get married" myself!
I'm starting to see singleness like the making of a pearl- it starts as an irritating thing, then as time goes on you build layers of learning around that irritant. Pretty soon you start to enjoy having that pearl, it's beginning to look pretty good. Then all of a sudden the Master plucks you from the bottom of the ocean and it's time to give the pearl away. The longer we have the pearl the bigger and more valuable it is when we give it away.
Those of us who get married later rather than sooner have a pearl that's been fought for, it's not like we haven't faced trials and temptations. When the right one comes along we will have proved in the heat of battle just how much we value that pearl. The trust level is higher. The maturity level is higher. You know more about yourself and where you're going.
Like the finest wine, love is best consumed responsibly and when the time is right. :)
@leadworshipper82 - i like what you said. why does either marriage or singleness have to be better than the other? whatever God has for your life is best.
marriage can teach you to put others ahead of yourself. not that you can't learn that when single but if your willing to learn marriage has plenty of lesson's to teach you. it's also a good opportunity to raise children etc who may one day come to Christ and be used by God for His Kingdom. your family is always a good mission field to start with
but there are opportunities to reach others for Christ as a single person. you have more time/freedom to spend with God and do His work.
it's all about how you use the season (whether single, dating, or married) you're in for God
@bubblegummonkeytaco@xanga - but I am also a firm believer in marriage to be a good thing because God deems it so. We tend to think that marriage is man's institution...
frankly... i actually think it's sinful for someone to suggest one context of a person to be better than another context... meaning... if someone blatantly and emphatically suggests that singlehood is better than marriage or that marriage is a burden or even the atrocious idea that wanting to be married is a sin... i will say that that attitude is in and of itself sinful... or vice versa...
Leslie Ludy has been incredibly dishonest in her use of that quotation from Maken's book. Maken was summarizing Calvin's beliefs, noting that the language does sound extreme, but that it makes sense. And it does. Consider Paul's words in 1 Timothy 4 that in the end times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons...men who forbid marriage..."
Indeed, we are in the end times. Although "forbid marriage" may sound like extreme words, that's what it amounts to when young people are told that they must wait for "God to write your love story", a blasphemous phrase that along with "gift of singleness"* never appears anywhere in the Bible. Make no mistake, the scriptures speak of marriage and singleness entirely in the language of human effort and volition - no mention of divine matchmaking.
It is true that church communities can be intrusive and insensitive in their generally well-intentioned encouragement to marry, espeically when directed at very young people. But those who thump singles on the head with contentment sermons, raving about "radiant singleness" are equally insensitive, and disingenous to say the least.
Without a doubt, there is an epidemic of protracted singleness among Christians today, not that Ludy would know, having been practically a child bride. She is not helping by framing all singleness in terms of "God's will" without properly addressing the sinful forces that are keeping those who want to marry from doing so.
*BTW, there's no such thing as "the gift of singleness". It came from an erroneous translation of the Living Bible in the 60's. The NLT has since removed it, and The Message plans to do the same.
@leadworshipper82 - i
agree. the desire for marriage is something God has put in us. (not
everyone, but in general) i've felt guilty before for wanting to
eventually marry, but then I realized God has instituted it so it's
good to desire it. just as long as that desire doesn't override your
desire for God, or you think it's the only way to be happy/complete. & sometimes you just have to wait.
being single is good too, and there are blessings with it as well. whether for the time being or a lifetime calling
Being in attendance at a Christian University, which was formally a "Bridal" college and still promises a "ring by spring or your money back" (I have yet to receive a refund...), I'm well aware of the pressure. I can't say I deal with it well most days, but I do manage it. And it is incredibly difficult especially when so many other people are pairing up, seemingly right away, and you are "left out" for whatever reason. But I'm trying not to lose hope, and working on finding myself in the Lord again and again, and as I wait, I'm growing a little bit more patient every day. Even if I don't notice it at the time. So it can be a blessing, though it is kinda seen as a curse in the culture that I live in for most of the year.
@kangaroo5383@xanga -
You have a lot of good points, which I find quite valid, despite that it seems my stance (as stated here) is that all ought to marry. I have several friends in different countries who minister to others in the Gospel as a part of their singleness. One of them is a much needed complex of orphanages in China, run mostly by Christian women.
As Paul says, "But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches." (I Corinthians 7:17)
Have you ever heard of the book, Woman: Her Character, Culture and Calling? It is a very, very good read, compiled by a number of good Christian writers. One of the articles therein is on the great need for female ministry in China, as authored by - take a guess - Hudson Taylor.
Let me clarify one thing. I don't believe, by any means that a woman is incomplete when she is single. However, if she is marriage-minded, then the feeling of incompleteness has a reasonable explanation, and she ought not to feel as though it is abnormal. The feeling itself, however, if not combated with the Word of Life, is sinful and rooted in self-pity, as Paul has stated that in the whole Gospel of God a man is made, "complete, thoroughly equipped, lacking nothing."
God's typical natural end, however is that His children marry. And why? "He seeks godly offspring." (Malachi 2:15) And from the beginning He has said that "It is not good for man to be alone."
However, it is meet to point out that just as singleness is a blessing and a burden, marriage is also a blessing and a burden.
Being in my mid-twenties and single myself, and a youth minister, I find all of this also reflect part of me as well. I feel out of the loop, not just in my Christian life, but also I feel less respected as a man and as a minister because I am single. I have been turned down for many jobs, not because of my lack of experience, though I could see that as a valid reason, but because of my singleness. I may have to consider some other avenue of ministry outside normal church jobs, more applicable to a single person. In my heart I want to have a family and be married but right now I am single and every time I try to get into a relationship, the girls just keep saying they want to be friends. All of this is frustrating to me and to feel pressured from the outside does not help, especially when they suggest I am too picky or should change my image. I want to be me and am getting fed up with sometimes almost feeling second-class in the church, as a Christian and as a minister simply because I am single.
@His_maidservant@xanga - What about 1 Corinthians 7:
32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord.
33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—
34and
35his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned
about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both
body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of
this world—how she can please her husband.
I
am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may
live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
I have had plenty of opposition from my home church, I recently ended my first relationship, I'm 21 and everyone has looked down upon me for being the one to break off the relationship. Before I had started dating him I had felt God pressing upon my heart to lead a life of singleness, and even during the relationship I had felt that as I do even now, many people say oh you have lots of time, God will bring the one for you, like singleness is a horrible disease and a man is the only cure. I just can't see why Christians have such a hard time accepting the fact that a young woman may be called to a life of singleness. I think it should be not about what we may want all the time and what we feel we need but rather serving the Lord with joy and gladness no matter what he calls us to wether is to be a life of singleness or to a life of marriage to the person he has for you. Singleness is not something to serve God about with a sorrowful heart but rather with joy, and thankfulness wether it be for a season or for life.
@gracenmercy -
I agree with your points, and that singleness is a gift from God, given that we might know Him well.
However, it is important to remember Paul was writing to the Corinthians. The context in which he was writing to the Corinthians was "because of this present distress" (v. 26), ie the heavy persecution that the Corinthians were enduring.
While there is good in singleness, God's perfectly declared will before sin, and before the Law as given to Israel, was this: be fruitful and multiply. That is not to say that all are to be married, or that all are to remain single - as God says through His servant, "as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches." (v. 17)
Remember that marriage is a protection against sexual immorality. Therefore, if I were you, I would pray very fervently about any decision to remain single. If you have any leanings whatsoever toward exercising your sexual desire, I would say that it would be far better for you to marry than to ignore your desires and fool yourself by saying "I won't fall into sin." Remember also that marriage is a safeguard for you personally. Since God ordained the woman to be a weaker vessel, it is a good thing for her to have someone to protect her, someone to aid her in decision making, someone to help safeguard her spiritually as was Adam's responsibility. A man's input is a very good thing for a woman to have, since she was made for him. Being alone does have spiritual benefits, but being married definitely also has spiritual benefits, requiring a humility and a lifetime of service while enabling a lifetime of more (or different) options of service. For example, a single woman can hardly take people into her home, and there are certain ways that she can't help the poor and needy. There is a limit to her ability to provide for herself, and therefore for her to provide things for those in need. There is a limit to her ability to counsel younger women who seek marriage because she does not have the understanding that a married woman has. These are just some thoughts.
I'm certain that God will use you in a wondrous way, whether your singleness is lifelong, or for a season. I hope that if you decide to remain single, firstly that you won't allow yourself to accept any proposals, or even drop the slightest hint of affection toward a young man -- the fact that you did have a relationship makes me question whether or not you are intended for singleness. Why did you say yes to him?
@FRANK - I completely disagree. Not all people desire being married at all, and Jesus Christ was never married. If you have friends you are certainly not alone. Many great women and men of God had easier lives because they had no one else but God to have to please. Paul says the complete opposite to what you're saying - that he wish all could have the freedoms he enjoyed, but that each has a different gift. = Singleness, when it is right for you, is from the Lord!
@Kristin - lol I read my post again and could not find where we disagreed. I agree with you completely.
To all of you talking about the "gift of singleness", I wonder if you will still feel the same in ten, or even five years' time! In my early to mid 20s, I never entertained the thought of getting married. I, like a lot of Christians in their early 20s simply shrugged and said "if it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, it's God's will".
I am now in my late 20s, and looking around my church, there are A LOT of single women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. I'm sorry, but I haven't come across anything in the scriptures that can convince me it is God's will for there to be so many faithful, unmarried women in church. There is something WRONG when the number of women in church it hasn't happened for outnumbers the ones who are married - by far. And I don't believe this lackadaisical attitude will help.
If the Lord has specifically told you that your path is one of singledom, then it can be accepted as a gift; otherwise, if you know you have a desire to marry and it hasn't happened, then you should seek the Lord's face to find out what is going on. It is important not to idolize marriage, but at the same time I don't think it is helpful to just brush aside people's desires.
Me too I'm struggling to find my true </p >
hey hey hey single women... i thought i was the only one worried about marriege.. i want to get married but there seems to be a disturbibg silence where that is concerned... i know i need to use this time to seek Christ but the desire to be inlove is at times distracting... i am in hope...