As a young Christian woman, I've recently become very interested in the writings of Leslie Ludy, a bestselling Christian author who is passionat
e about
reaching young women with the message of Jesus Christ. Her writings often reflect upon issues that I deal with in my faith journey and help me to
discover how I can live a life that's more centered in Christ.
As I was skimming through the different reflections, blogs and articles that appear on Ludy's website, I came across something in the
Q&A section that really hit home for me. A girl wrote to Ludy asking for advice, saying that she's a college sophomore and has never been in a serious relationship (which I could immediately relate to, since I'm a rising college
junior in the same situation). The girl wrote about her frustration about the fact that our culture, even Christian culture, places a great deal of emphasis on relationships. She mentioned that she has prayed to God, asking Him to "write her love story" (as I have), but she has faced an incredible amount of pressure from her Christian community towards a relationship and ultimately marriage.
Girls are praised when they have found their dream man, but when they still have yet to find "Prince Charming," they are told that God will one day place a man in their lives -- as if the sole purpose of their lives is to get married. The letter-writer asked Ludy how to respond to people who keep emphasizing the need for her to have a man in her life without sounding jealous or bitter.
In her response to the writer, Ludy agreed that Christian communities tend to be very unsupportive of single women. Often, the very people who should be inspiring them to live a life completely devoted to Christ are the ones who severely lower their self-esteem, leading them to believe that they need a marriage to be complete. For single women, unfortunately, a Christian community often presents a source of discouragement instead of encouragement.
Sometimes, the emphasis Christian communities place on marriage is so great that the single life is harshly condemned as sinful. Ludy quotes a book entitled
Getting Serious About Getting Married – Rethinking the Gift of Singleness that says:
The belief that remaining single is legitimate and godly is a work of the devil. Read that again: Satan dishonors marriage by fooling us into believing that singleness is okay (page 43).
…men and women who are not connected in marriage are like the mutilated members of a mangled body (page 28).
WOW. If this is true, it means that there is no way for a woman to glorify God other than getting married, her so-called "duty." I agree with Ludy in her disagreement with this view. As Ludy pointed out, this message leads many Christian women to settle for men who are mediocre and self-centered, just so they can supposedly fulfill God's will.
As Ludy pointed out, single women should not let their lives be consumed by their perceived "need" to find a man. All that a woman should be concerned with is devoting her life to Jesus Christ and serving Him faithfully. Upon reading this, I thought of the words of a song by John Waller called "
While I'm Waiting." Here are the lyrics to the chorus:
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.While a woman is waiting to find the man of her dreams, she should not fall into a slump of misery. Her heart should be enlivened and she should grow deeper in her relationship with God. If she happens to fall in love with a man, oh how lucky that man will be to find a woman who is so devoted to living her life for the Lord. If she does not, that's fine too, because her relationship with God is enough for her and provides the eternal fulfillment that no human relationship can.
When a woman's eyes are solely focused on receiving the applause of Heaven, and no one or nothing else -- not even the Church community, they will develop a different feeling about their singleness, one that is joyful rather than bitter.
Ludy's words truly inspired me and helped me to reevaluate my singleness as a blessing rather than a burden. My singleness is a journey, not some sort of trapped prison. It's a journey of growing in my trust of the Lord and believing that He has a plan for me -- and whether it be single or married life, it won't matter. On my journey of singleness,
I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.
Do you believe singleness is a blessing or a burden for a young woman? Do you think the Christian Church often places too much emphasis on marriage for women? If you're a single Christian woman, how do you deal with the sometimes excess pressure towards married life?
Comments (45)
I think you are a very good writer and I am glad Revelife has you now.
Personally I don't see how a marriage can last 3 weeks let alone a lifetime.
Props to all those married couples out there who empty themselves in order to receive the blessing of matrimony and family life!
Marriage is the burden, peeples! Singleness is being foot loose and fancy free.
I agree 100% with Ludy. I am 75 with 2 daughters and one son. My career daughter is 50 and never been married. She had a few 'boyfriends,' which she quickly dropped for either their abusiveness or insistence on having sex. She refused to accept that kind of behavior.
She has done very well in life and is generally content. She loves Jesus Christ. I see her as like a 'Defender for God.' If she hears anyone say something negative about God, she will confront them right there and then--even in public places. As her dad, I think God is using her far more being single than she could being married.
She tried Christian Singles groups. That ended almost immediately when some of the leaders made improper propositions to her. Since she is single, she still has some hopes and notices attractive single men. At age 50, most of the candidates are either widows or divorced. She would not marry a divorced man who was that way due to adultery, so her possibilities are slim.
I think you should enjoy your singleness and use it for the glory of God. Single people do not get enough respect in church nor encouraged to let God use their singleness for His glory.
I don't want to take any cheap thoughts, but the divorce rate in churches is about the same as 'the world.' My wife and I have been married 53 years and we married virgins. It is possible!!
Very interesting post.
blessings
frank
Being single is both a blessing and a burden.
The Bible says that "man is not from woman, but woman [is] from man. Nor was man created for woman, but woman for the man." 1 Corinthians 11:8-9
If woman was created for man how can she feel complete when her ultimate end is to be alone? She was created for man - that was God's intended purpose for her, and He does not chance.
Yet, at the same time, women ought to use their singleness to honor God. This is something that I struggle with greatly. I don't have the freedom I'd like for hospitality, the blessing of intimate companionship, and the joy (and trials) of marriage and children. There are certain ways in which I can't serve God as a single person.
And yet, there are certain freedoms that I have as a single person, which I ought to utilize to the fullest extent while single.
However, God has Himself said that it is not good for man to be alone, and that He desires godly offspring. Therefore, our goal certainly ought to be godly marriage, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Wow. That book quote is absolutely horrific. Wow.
i think that marriage and singleness are different blessings...
the church simultaneously is communicating an imbalance between the two... which is why the church today is so confused between the two... partially because much of the church today gets their influence from both Scripture and combines it with cultural stigma... which confuses everything anyways...
but I would say that on one hand, people deify singlehood and the church does all it can to communicate that single living is the best kind of living... and they use verses such as those contained in 1 Cor. 7 where Paul SUGGESTS that people remain as he is, single and serving Jesus. But the Apostle also says if a person does get married, it's not a sin and should not be condemned. If someone is in a season of singleness... then that person should invest time and energy and emotion into being Christ-like and in turn becoming like Jesus... i'm not talking about contentment here because that's a throw-around word that most people tend to fake anyways... but I am talking about a tension of growth... where in the midst of a single person's desire FOR marriage (which i'm finding to be good), they are living with that tension to see it happen Lord willing but also growing inspite of their singlehood...
Marriage is also deified as well. Some in the church have stated that marriage is the only life to live and has become this pretensious philosophy that is extra-Biblical... which means that single missionaries preaching the Gospel in various places are disqualified from living an abundant life... which is wrong to suggest because they are out building a portion of the Kingdom... and that is more than what most married couples are doing anyways...
i think it is really sinful to deify either context of life... to suggest singlehood over marriage is the best is unBiblical and likewise... to impeded the idea that marriage is the best way to go is wrong as well... one needs to balance the two out really... and keep things Biblical...
all I'm aware of is that we as image-bearers of God were created to be married, so there is nothing wrong with wanting it. It is what we are created for... now there will be some select individuals that God will SUPERNATURALLY gift to be what Scripture calls eunuchs for the Kingdom where they will just have no desire for marriage or anything and God will use them in great and awesome ways for sure. But make no mistake, they are the exception... not the rule so it would be bad for people to try and mold the rest of us who wanna be married, have kids, raise a family, carry a Christ-centered legacy into this singles life is the best life kind of mold...
If you have a desire to be married... carry it with you... but single life is a season where one needs to grow and learn and be taught... and once character is built and integrity is established and Christ-like identity is firm, marriage can happen and it will be glorious... just as equally glorious as the gal/dude who remains single...
just different blessings in the two... i think...
I have also been concerned that Christian girls are often encouraged to get married at all costs. I have often been made to feel inferior because I am not married. Yet the Bible (in I Cor. 7) treats both marriage and singleness as being proper in the eyes of God. Singleness is not a curse when it is used to selflessly serve the Lord. I might add, though, that abstaining from marriage for selfish reasons is a curse and God will not bless that kind of lifestyle.
I think that it's all about being content with where you are TODAY, whether you are single or married.
In my youth group a lot of the staff members got married in their 20s...the running joke is that the only reason Christians get married so young is so they can have sex. In my experience, a guy will act interested and do romantic things, like take me out to dinner, only to get disappointed and show me the door when I refuse to go further than just kissing.
The hardest part about being a single Christian woman is knowing where to find nice, dateable Christian guys. For me it seems like all the good ones are taken!
Singleness is a blessing for a woman and should be treated as such. There are a number of different reasons that a woman maybe single and our limited human perspective has a lot of trouble accepting and understanding this.
Looking back through the pages of history one can clearly see that being a single woman has always been considered a burden/curse. An unmarried woman was often looked down upon and sometimes ostracized, mistreated, or mistrusted because a woman who is single must be cursed or something.
I have never dated and often feel pressured by the rest of the world to
rush into a relationship just to escape the criticism and stigma of
being "alone". I have especially struggled with this lately as I watch
my friends get married trying to understand how they could have found
someone before I have even dated. I struggle even as I am surrounded by
friends who are single.
Perhaps the negative view of being single comes from those who use their singleness to do harm to others and be loose or irresponsible; being single is not a free ride to do as you please however and with whom ever. Just as I feel that singleness is not a burden I do not believe that marriage is a burden. Both have their place and I trust God to lead both the single and married down a righteous path.
Lately I've been trying to take strength from what Paul wrote that can be found in 1 Corinthians 7 about marriage and singleness. In 1 C. 7:7 "I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness." (NLT)
He goes onto say that the unmarried should remained that way, but if one suffers from lust then they should get married rather than suffer through it.
It is not an easy thing to be single but there is probably a reason for it. In my life being single has allowed me to focus on my relationship with God/Jesus. For now I am learning to be content with my relationship with him building and strengthening that while I wait to see what God will do with my life.
I'm with you. Some people find singleness to be a burden, but for me, it is a blessing. I love it! I have been and am in a serious relationship, but I still love being a single woman, because no matter where God wants to take me, I am free to go! I have so many dreams to live for Him, I only want to get married to someone who will share those dreams with me.
patience is beautiful.
being single is not a burden because there really is no one better to be loved by than God.
I like girls who really see that they are precious jewels; girls who wouldn;t fall for perverted, dumb jerks.
gosh, i've seen way too many..
This from 1 Corinthians 7. I believe wholeheartedly being single is a blessing with regards to serving God. I have been on both sides of the fence and as below, when married, we tend to focus more on our husbands, not meaning, too, of course, whereas when single we tend to focus on God... I hope this helps!
32But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
33But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
34There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
If we are Christ's, God is with us whether we are single or married. He is the LORD and He never changes, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. First and foremost He is our Husband, whether we are single or married.
Wow! Thanks so much for your thought-provoking and inspiring entry here. I guess I shouldn't be surprised as I always am within out faith community when I hear ideas like the quotation from that book. God has always revealed each of our own personal destinies to those of us who draw near to him in prayer and faithfulness; and many times in scripture, that has had nothing to do with going out and finding a husband or wife. Neither Mary Magdalene nor the Apostle Paul were ever married, that we can tell. And those are just a couple who are considered by many to be friends of Jesus, both in his lifetime and after.
I really believe that the only way that a marriage can be a blessing is if the marriage is one that has been put together by God. I really think it is a bad idea for a woman to marry a man unless she knows in her heart that he is the man that God picked out especially for her. I think that finding the right man should be something that happens to a woman, not something that the woman should be trying to make happen.
What I mean is that in my opinion, a woman will be a lot happier if she is not actively trying to pursue the right man in her life. That is a very long and frustrating road, believe me.
It is much better to be focused on the friends and relationships that you do have. And if you happen to stumble into the perfect man for you, then know that God has been "doubly good to you," as the song by Amy Grant (written by Rich Mullins) goes. But as a single woman, you are definitely blessed and you shouldn't let others make you doubt that.
In fact, I can think of one good thing about being a single Christian woman, and that is being able to witness to and minister to men without having to worry what your husband is going to think!
Perhaps we should all always be careful about the situations we allow ourselves to get into. But I know there have been times when I have felt comfortable with the situation itself, but have still avoided talking to other men about God simply because I do not want my husband to have ill feelings toward me or toward those other men.
So there is a certain freedom in being single that I think single women could be taking advantage of. But I also find that if us married women do not minister to other men, that God finds other ways to use us. We are able to help other women or children.
Overall, I would say that being single is a blessing, and being married is a double blessing. But the fact that some are doubly blessed should not take away from those who are single and blessed. The ones that are single are still incredibly blessed, more than what any of us deserve. God is good to us all.
P.S. It may help you to know that the person who wrote the song "Doubly Good to You", Rich Mullins, never did get married.
I enjoy being single, but there is a certain "culture" within married life that I feel shunned from. Most of my friends are not married because the minute they start getting serious, they disappear. At church, almost all of the people my age (28) are in the young couples group. They stick to themselves and I get the distinct impression that the women are afraid I will try to steal their man or something. (a wedding ring pretty much makes a guy unatractive) Lately, really only in the past few months have my thoughts been turning more and more towards marriage and men. This is not from outside pressure however, but simply something within me, a desire awakening. The hardest part, like a previous poster, is finding someone who is available, because all the nice ones seem to have been snatched up already.
I like being single because only I have to make decisions, and I can be as selfish as I want in certain situations. However, it would be nice to have someone to go on trips with and share with. I have been traveling all over the world...by myself, and the only person with those memories is me. I think marriage is just another direction and some of us are called to be married and some are not. Until that day I will continue to serve the Lord to the fullest of my abilities, putting all focus into him.
@AnnieGrace5@xanga - I believe your first sentence says it all. God is the "glue" that has held my marriage together for so many years. Great words!
@LoBornlite@xanga -
Charlie...I'm not sure I would agree with your assessment that 'marriage is the burden'...speaking as someone, who's been married 24 years...it can bring great joy and companionship. Your belief that 'Singleness is being foot loose and fancy free'...cannot be squared with the Christian, as we are not footloose or fancy free if we are under the grace, and are obedient to, the will of God.
God bless,
Thad
I totally agree with this post. You know it's weird because if you get married and your really young ppl think "your too young" yet if you don't get married and your still over 30 it's "awful" people need to make up their mind on what "ppl" should do. Idk I think ppl just like to complain about nonsense.
Part of the problem with our culture is it's hard to meet people and because of the way sex is in society the thought of not having sex in a relationship is awful. Like on TV ppl are always sex is something you have on a 3rd date. Who makes up these rules?
I've read several of the responses to this post and was horrified by some of them. The thought that there is ONLY ONE MAN for me is disguesting. That leaves hardly any room for grace. Let's look at scripture.
How many times does God say to THE MAN to choose a wife. Not for a wife to choose a husband. BIBICALLY a woman is in a matter of speaking "sold" to her husband. On the OTHER HAND... the only NT scripture that says about choosing a husband or wife is that we should be equally yoked. Meaning that you believe in the same things. This scipture has nothing to do with how close to God you are.
3 months ago I was not as focused on Christ as I am now. Had I been married to a strong Christian man, should he divorce me because i wasn't entirly focused on Christ? Surely not! Sciprture says that we should pray for our spouse... the only reason for divorce is is marital unfaithfulness.
ANYWAYS.... where is there any scripture that says I God has only ONE man planned out for me? What happened to free will then. You can't be predestined to marry only one person because we have free will. If I were predestined, I would have married a man almost a year ago, but decided to break off the relationship because it was VERY unhealthy for both of us. But God had given me a peace about marring him, I was so certain, and using wisdom I had concluded that he could not lead me as a man of the house hold, and I was not prepared to live the life as the leader.
At this time I am single. At this point in my life, it wouldn't make much of a difference if I were married or not. I think that we are blessed from the start as to not be married, so that we can grow and learn how to love and treat our future (if at all) spouse. And when we are married, our spouse becomes an enrichment to who we are. A partner in life.
The questions you bring up are totally legit. I'm a single Christian woman, and, at this point in my life, have no intentions of getting married. People worry about this, more than I do, and I find that odd. I've been thinking about where to go for my next year of school, and several people have told me I should be thinking about where a girl of "marriageable age" should go. I resent that a lot, because my sole purpose in life is NOT to get married. There is so much more to life than being married, and it bothers me that, when considering what school I should attend, people worry about the quality of young men at said school, not about the academic standards of the school! That is such a warped way of thinking.
I say that a person should go after what they want in life, regardless of whether or not that leaves them single. Assume you're going to be single, and if you meet someone along life's journey, then so be it. I think WAY too many young women plan on getting married in the Christian world, without realizing that they don't actually HAVE to get married. One can still serve God and their community while being single. I think it's silly to wait for that guy to come, and a person should just focus on God and forget about marriage altogether.
You have given this good thoughts, and I think you were fair on how you addressed the way the church addresses singles.
I have been married for 27 years, separated for 3.5, and divorced for 7 now. I grin as I think about how the church stresses marriage for any single person: "misery likes company" and "I just got out of that institution and I bore children - why are they so in a hurry to get me back into it?"
I rarely speak these thoughts out loud, cause they aren't the whole story of where my heart really is - but they are fun bratty thoughts, lol.
Great post!
justme
cm
@Kitzress@xanga - I agreed with your entire post except the last part where it said "forget about marriage altogether." A young woman should pursue her dreams and her career, but also should open her heart to the possibility that someone special is out there for her. Be patient, if God wants you to enter into marriage, he will place that special someone in your life. In the meantime, keep your heart open to being loved.
I see that I'm not the only Christian girl who is struggling with being single. I'm 20, and I've been in a few serious relationships... and the more guys I meet and date, the more I'm faced with the sad truth that good, godly, faithful Christian (single) young men are incredibly hard to come by. If there are any, they're already taken. I mean, were they exterminated while we weren't looking or something? Geez.
I'm a fan of Mrs. Ludy as well, and her thoughts have touched me, and have helped reveal my God's incredible love for me. He IS enough... and I don't think women have to be married to be happy, by all means. But I do believe that God created this special union between a man and a woman to be utterly amazing and beautiful. Face it. Love between the sexes is what got us here right (besides the work of God of course)?
I'm just trying to say that single women need not look down on marriage as somehow being "less holy" than singlehood. Sure, we can do great things while we're single, but human love was God's idea. It's anything but wrong. And it can be such a beautiful thing when blessed by God. Yet, marriage isn't for everybody (but I do think complete singleness for a lifetime is only meant for a select few).
So anyways, if you're a young Christian woman who desires marriage, you're not doing anything wrong. God made us this way. Just simply place your future in the Lord's hands. Above all, trust Him for your every need...even the desire to have a good man by your side. After all, He loves you, and certainly doesn't wanna hold anything good from you. :)
** Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4