I was watching Elizabeth Edwards (Sen. John Edwards' wife) on
Oprah today discussing the recently-revealed affair he had with another woman while Elizabeth was battling breast cancer.
He says, "She's just a friend... it just happened at a moment of weakness...etc." Now rumor has it, he has fathered a child with this woman.
I think about so many women who have husbands that cheat on them, but they never leave these men. I knew someone personally who lived a life like this. She and her husband had been married for over 20 years; both were Christians.
After the affair came out in the open, many other secrets soon followed: many extramarital affairs, sexual demands that he placed on his wife where he would make her dress up as a prostitute. They would drive the streets of Denver and pick up another partner. There was shoplifting, petty theft, and much more.
When asked why she stayed with him, her comment was, "I can't afford to leave."
This woman had never worked outside the home. He would not allow her to work. He would not allow her to have friends outside of their family – only those HE approved. She only talked to me because she was the one I called to ask if I could go to church with, when I was ready to give my heart to the Lord.
She had no skills. No training. She didn't drive. And barely any education. He had her right where he wanted her. Plus, they had four kids all under the age of 10 years old at home!
I only found out about all of this because one day I had gone to her house to drop something off to her, and as I was approaching the house, I heard her and the kids screaming, and him yelling "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I left and called his brother. Later, the police were called to their house that night. They searched for him up and down in that house, only to find him cowering in a corner in the attic!
She had family that would take her and the kids back in a heartbeat, but she refused to go. She kept saying, "I can't afford to leave." He literally had her convinced that without him, she would never make it. She would never be able to have a life without him. My heart just broke for her.
About two months after the police were called to their house that night, he got caught stealing money from the petty cash at work and was fired. They didn't press charges, but the family up and moved within a two-week period after this happened. I've not heard from her since.
Clearly, this family was dysfunctional. It was full of emotional, physical, mental, and sexual abuse. She had every right to leave and seek the help she and the kids needed to gain a healthy life. But she chose not to; fear stopped her, and she continued to allow this kind of behavior over and over and over again.
What do you think this woman should have done? What do you think of women who aren't in a controlling marriage, but stay for the money?
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Comments (34)
This type of mental illness is called co-dependency. The woman is just as sick as the man. The man has active addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol and is usually a control freak. The woman, called the enabler, supports the man in his addictions.
It's the damned thing you ever did see. And the really horrible part is that this sickness gets imprinted into the minds and hearts of the children and is passed down through the generations.
I was in a similar situation, I mean my marriage wasn't THAT bad but I would have left years sooner than I did if I felt like I could swing it financially. I finally ended up doing it with no financial guarantee whatsoever. Now I'm regretting it to some degree... Now that I worry of being hungry and having no place to go, because I really don't. If I could go back in time, I might have convinced myself to stay for the security. It's just different when it means being hungry and homeless. Now, if I had anyone that could afford to take me in, I wouldn't... but I don't.
well in instance, he probably convinced her that she wouldnt be able to do anything for her self...not just money... I had a friend whose husband beat her and didnt leave him until I threatened to call CPS on her. I told her that she could stay stupid and let herself get killed but I wasnt going to let her kids get hurt...it was then that she realized how bad things were (even after he hospitalized her, she still went home with him...it took the threat of her kids getting taken away for her to see how bad it was!)
That's not a fair question, exactly.
Money for yourself? That's sad.
Money for your kids? That's understandable.
Any marriage centered on fear, money, sex, power, or anything lower than G-D is a marriage on the road to destruction.
Mrs. Edwards had some serious medical bills, and without her husband's medical insurance she'd be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt in a few months when she was battling cancer.
My friend had to sue the state to get medicaid when she had cancer. She almost died because the hospitals wouldn't treat her because she had no insurance.
I just would like to say you are pretty sick. My mother was in a relationship pretty much like this one. It has nothing to do with money. The truth is, my mom was offered major money when she graduated school when the state made her go because they wouldn't pay for the welfare my dad was supposed to be paying off (he left her with 3 kids and then skipped town and child support) My mom was disabled with horrible degenerative joint disease and couldn't even drive. because my stepdad was so manipulative he did the opposite of this man and wouldn't let her take the jobs she was offered (she was the top of her class & several law firms wanted her) because she would be making more money than him. He manipulated her over the years into believing she simply couldn't make it without him through verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. She believed she NEEDED him to servive.
She really believed, although she worked long hard hours at a rediculously low paying job that she couldn't make it with her degree and never even got to take a job in her field! She really believed she was worthless because of how he treated her. She even gave up her 3 kids to ensure he stayed with her. She still suffers the effects of that man on her mind to this day even though finally after 21 years she left him and came out as a lesbian. He spent everything on drugs and alcohol and drove all 3 of her kids away. The others don't even talk to her anymore, just me. They thought the same thing, what a horrible mom.
I went to school and learned about co-dependancy and how it will destroy you. Elisabeth Smart was abducted and held through fear without any chains, just as most physically abused women are. Many are actually killed before they will turn their husbands or boyfriends in because they believe the need them to survive. Mrs. Edwards was helpless to the power of that horrible man. Just like her, my mom was trapped in a place where she believed the lies he put over her. It wasn't about money. It was the mental and emotional manipulationt that her husband had over her.
Truthfully it is sick and it horrifies me that you would put her down and disgrace her so much as to say she is "staying in it for the money." The question you posted was highly manipulative and made it very clear your judgement of her was extremely cold and negative because she was too sick to leave. It's times like this that as a Christian I think Jesus would be highly disappointed in your judgement and compassion.I makes me even more disappointed that they would post this as a front page blog.
"They both were Christians"....?
I think it is admirable, and demonstrates Christian character to forgive a spouse who has cheated but is seeking forgiveness and has repented. As well I think money is a poor reason to do just about anything except perhaps work to support your family.
But the above question isn't really something that can be answered other than what the scripture says about it. Divorce isn't something that can be taken lightly, that's for sure.
11/5 ...
I hate to sound harsh here. But how can anyone claim to be a christian and be in the relationship you're describing. 3 way sex, theft and condoned adultary.
The abuse would have gone down on to all three children while she watched. How could you call either partners followers of christ?
She should have left. It doesn't matter how worthless she felt - there were the lives of her three children at stake, not just her own.
And as for your second question. If a partner will stay for the money while their spouse cheats on them - you have to ask why they married in the first place? I think trophey seekers usually cheat on gold diggers. It just takes time. But while someone is sitting on a fat paycheck, it can be worth huffing and puffing but ultimatly letting it slide.
People like that deserve each other.
PS. And not saying the above woman deserved her husband - I was answering both questions seperatly.
@wolvenchic@xanga - You were a hero of sorts for those children. I don't know you or them...but thank you. You did what a lot of people would not have done...they would have just closed their eyes to the situation.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - AMEN AND AMEN! Reminded me as well of the scripture that says a house divided will not stand.
I didn't leave I told him to leave! I was not abused in any classical sense of the word. However, I didn't have a college education. I had not worked for about 12 years, and I had 4 children. He was not going to stop seeing his woman (she worked for under him). I found an attorney, found an entry level job, found daycare for my youngest, found help from friends and a neighbor to get my children to after school activities I would no longer be able to get them to, and asked him to leave. Eventually he did, telling my children that if he lost his job they would be out in the street...I trusted God and told my children we would be fine. He is still a jerk, his wife is nasty and has never treated my children properly...I am remarried and happier than I have ever been. We don't make the kind of money my ex does, but I don't care, never have. For anyone who thinks I, as a Christian have taken divorce too lightly, and did the wrong thing. I understand your position. I know what the bible says about divorce. It wasn't something I ever wanted to have happen. But I also know my relationship with Christ is stronger after going through everything that happened and continued to happen after he left.
Women who stay have other issues themselves. They need help, but can be frustrating to try to help. At the same time, I have supported women who have had cheating husband's, no abuse and have put their marriage back together. There is no one size fits all solution to this situation because everyone is different and every situation is different.
Prayer and support and sometimes tough love.
Um....Elizabeth Edwards is exploiting the situation and making money on her own. I just saw her on the Today show with her sad story and promoting her new book about the whole thing. She was on Oprah the other day. Sorry, but she's exploiting this just as much as he exploited her...But anyway...
As for the other couple...don't call them Christians. Christians should be known for their love and for their lifestyle of honoring God. There is nothing loving or honorable with sex addictions, abuse, stealing, and a man who doesn't honor his wife the way Christ honors the church. The woman should have left, and had every biblical reason to leave the marriage. Not only that, she's continuing to subject her children to the abuse and showing them what an unhealthy marriage looks like. No amount of money makes that excusable. Above all, we should trust and honor the Lord.
I have known a couple who survived adultery. My own parents. When I was young, my dad cheated on my mom. He moved out, moved in with his new girlfriend, and my parents almost divorced. Somehow my mom was able to forgive him, and they've been married for almost 35 years. I admire the healing that has happened in my parents marriage, and my mom had every right to end it, but I'm glad they didn't. The Lord can work through a terrible situation and bring healing, but it has to be for the reason of honoring Him, not staying for money. I'm not sure I could have made the same decision my mother made, but I respect her greatly for it.
@yesults_blog@xanga - I completely, 100% agree with you.
i don't believe she did "stay for the money". she stayed because she was scared and broken down and convinced she wouldn't be able to survive on her own. she had kids, which is a super bonus reason to skip out, but it sounds like she was terrified she wouldn't be able to take care of her children if she left. to describe this as "staying for the money" makes it sound like she was like, "oh, you know, i'd leave in a heartbeat, but i wouldn't be able to afford such a nice car as this" or something. something frivolous. which it isn't. if you haven't been in an abusive relationship, you can't really understand the full extent of the abuser's hold over the victim. thanks for spreading such an ignorant view of abusive relationships.
It's really frustrating when friends get into these situations. And they just keep digging themselves deeper. It may seem bad now but the longer they wait the deeper that hole will be to climb out of.
I have been married 53 years to the same woman. We had 2 basic rules from the beginning. No sex before marriage and no cheating after marriage. So, we started off on the right footing.
We had all kinds of problems along the way, but they were all solvable.
In this case, the husband is totally out of line in every way including Biblically. The wife had every right to end the marriage and move on.
Sadly, many women do stay in marriages for financial or family reasons. It is terrible to have one affair, but when it goes multiple it has and must end.
Sometimes churches put pressure on the 'victim spouse' by applying certain verses. It is some kind of idea that a cheater needs forgiveness (they do) but they do not deserve for the spouse to remain. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is an automatic.
She became so weak she was unable to take care of it herself.
I do not endorse this, but when I was a young teen, a couple got married near us. The new husband started hitting his wife and generally abusing her. Some men in the neighborhood head about it. The went to the house, dragged the husband out, and beat him to a pulp. They tole him that if he ever hit her again, they would back.
I don't think it really has to do with the money. That excuse is probably the result of being beaten down by years of emotional abuse. Her husband never allowed her to do anything (get a job, choose her own friends, etc.) so she doesn't believe she can make it on her own.
In cases like this, when the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual welfare of your children is at stake, the question women should be asking is: "Can I afford not to leave?"
@sweet11321@xanga - I'm really sorry you misunderstood my statements in this blog. My question was not related to Mrs. Edwards. I clearly understand her situation AND her love for her husband.
My blog started out saying that watching this show made me think of women who stay in marriages just for the money. I did not say that Elizabeth Edwards was staying in her marriage simply for the money! Please re-read the first few paragraphs! My blog then went into the story about my friend....not Mrs. Edwards!
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simply put..No.
just wanted to clarify that I did understand that the post referred to two seperate people, but the conclusion can logically be drawn that you are comparing the two sitautions as equals. The second woman whom you knew personally was going through similar emotion and physical abuse. The psychological ties to the situation you live in can devistate even the most stable of persons.
There's only one biblical reason for divorce--the discovery of infidelity during the engagement period. From a Christian perspective even the most radical abuse is not reason for divorce. Its CERTAINLY means for separation, but not a true end to the marriage.