Sunday, 19 April 2009
-
Maybe Marriage Won't Be So Terrible...
by miss poppy
I have made a shift lately. Rather than thinking marriage is the worst curse that could ever happen to me, I am coming around to thinking it might not be so terrible.
And yet, a great deal of Christian marriage advice-books, etc., seem to take this odd perspective: "Marriage is a horrendous thing in which you should never expect to receive any benefits, but you should definitely get married because it's the right thing to do."
Um, what?
I understand the idea of trying to combat the idea that marriage will be easy or that you should go into it with a taker mentality; however, at this point I think maybe we've gone way off the deep end in the other direction in a lot of cases. Maybe we need more voices celebrating marriage and talking about the positives so that leery singles don't get so put off. I know of so many Christian people my age who don't want to get married; maybe the pessimism is taking the blessing out of the gift for them.
What do you think? Have you encountered this negativity, or is it all in my head?
-
recommend
- recs 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: misspoppy
- About Me: I am a senior in college. I love to knit, watch K-dramas, and bake. The point of my life is to love God, and I write about the ups and downs of that journey. Philippians 3:8-11: 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 9 Views: 0 8989 Comments: 0 308 View all posts by misspoppy
Comments (53)
It seems to me that among Christians it isn't really viewed negatively... but maybe I'm just not seeing it.
I am sort of put off by the idea of marriage... a lot of it has to do with being burned so bad in my last relationship... but I think that people who choose to live a life of singleness and celibacy deserve to be praised as well.
We need healthy and encouraging voices from the celibacy and marriage camp. We need to support one another because both are great paths to take. Both have their blessings and both have their struggles. Life is struggle though.
There is a big leaning towards marriage as "the right thing to do" in the western Church. There is also a big stigma on marriage here in the states (such a strange combination but it's no mystery as to why it exists). We don't treat it well anymore.
Maybe that's a reason we don't treat our relationship with G-d well as a unified body of believers. We don't understand marriage well anymore. We have great difficulty seeing how G-d loves us and how we are to love G-d. The strong presence of easy divorce in our culture has made he forget what faithfulness looks like and so we've lost sight of a part of G-d.
I've seen this negativity. But I absolutely love being married.
I don't think the books take that perspective, but it has often become my perspective upon reading one of those books.
I have never come across books like that... oddly enough.
never read a book like that...or a dating book like that either =P
books seem to praise both sides =)
or at least most of the books i read do =)
they tend to focus MAINLY (and this is REALLY BROAD)
on the idea that
1. God has a plan for you (Jer 29:11) and its a GREAT plan and better than anything you could ever dream of, whether that includes marriage or singleness
2. there is a time and a place for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1) soooo maybe now just isn't the time for marriage...yet =)
again, thats an overly broad view =)
Oh yeah, marriage is definitly being portrayed as difficult, so much so that even I, a true romantic, wonder if it can really work out.
I don't know if I have encountered any negativity, but I have seen a great deal of realism. It helps me keep a good grasp on the reality that marriage is equal doses passion and work.
According to Paul it's actual best not to get married, but if we can't control our urges/etc then it's good to marry. The Christians I know treat marriage with more respect and reverence then the average person, and most of them seem genuinely in love with their spouse, too. I've been against marriage for myself for a long time, but really just against relationships in general, although most of that is built in fear which isn't a good route either. I have to say though, even though i have a lot of reservations about marriage, I would somehow much rather marry someone then date them.
AHH - I love K-dramas, too!!!
i don't really see the negativity, not around here. 'round these parts, i'm the one being negative about marriage. hahahha. which of course makes me a Weird Girl because i'd rather live by myself than get married. yay!
I used to feel the same way as this author. After having been traumatized by 2 brutally abusive ex husbands as well as a few failed attempts at finding happiness with SOs, I was afraid of men in general. It took several years of healing; physically, spiritually and psychologically where I was convinced there was something wrong with ME! I was prepared to face life alone. That's when God sent me a miracle. Apparently He felt I was ready to accept His plan for me. For the past 16 years, I have been extremely happily married to my soul mate. Even though the last 11 years, have been spent as sole caregiver for my severely disabled and now invalid husband, it has not once ever occurred to me to be anywhere else. Our love is SO strong, because God is in control! He has richly blessed us both in so many ways. Each and every one of God's children has worth in His eyes. When we try to do things our own way, we fail. Only after we "let go and let God", are we able to achieve happiness as He has designed for us. When we give the glory to God, He will not fail us.
Guess I haven't read those marriage books... I'd throw them away though.
Marriage is not easy. It's not about being warm and fuzzy all the time, and it's not about living a fairy tale.
But marriage is something that has made my life a million times better. I have a best friend, who I may not always agree with, but he takes care of me in the way he should. He loves me, he loves our daughter, and he shows it every single day. He makes me want to be more obedient, more loving, more accepting than I could ever be on my own.
So I would have to say that marriage is completely worth the "negativity."
One would have to consider 'what is marriage'? It isn't that ceremony or the minister's pronouncement, it is that mutual committment. Some 'live together', but are really married. There are trade-offs to any life event. And, there will be heartaches no matter which path one travels.
That's news to me. I thought Christians were clamouring to get married ASAP.
You're not the only one for sure! I've encountered that from many different places, mostly from dissatisfied people who have married for the wrong reasons in the first place. But also from some books as well.
You don't read too much about the horrors of single life though, and I suspect they're no better or worse than the "horrors" of married life. It's all in how you look at it; if you're looking for the bad in life you're bound to find it somewhere. Instead i choose to look for the good and use the bad to help me grow. :)
I've never heard of or seen negativity like that. Marriage is absolutely wonderful as long as you are with the person that you are meant to be with! I can't imagine not being married...I'd feel so lonely. I praise God for bringing my husband into my life! Marriage is such a blessing!
I haven't read any marriage books, so I haven't seen any of the negativity. But I agree, we don't need so much to encourage marriage as re-learn marriage. Those books should inform, show the beauty and the struggle, but also show how the beauty and the spirit overcome the struggle.
Maybe that will help do something about our high divorce rates, and help us remember what fidelity is.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - Beautifully said!
@the_meadow_kite@xanga - I understand where you're coming from - celibacy, dating and all. And yes, fear is not a good house to live in. Community is a key ingredient in any spiritual life, though. Even when it puts you in a society that treasures the idea of dating, it can help you so much. ~ Prayers. =)
"...but you should definitely get married because it's the right thing to do."
And this is coming from someone who practiced a religion whose founder never married?
I don't think marriage should be viewed as a negative thing, if it's done for the right reasons with the right person. But I don't believe in getting married just for the sake of getting married, as the author of the book seems to imply.
I don't see it as bad, and I don't really know people who do. I do know lots of people do, however, see it as one option out of many.
I'm a christian and the funny thing is , is that I hate christian marriage books because I think there full of crap..lol but that is just me though.
Before I met my husband I vowed that I would never marry because for one I am a feminist and I thought that I would have to be all domestic and give up who I am . I was very wrong of course. Marriage has been wonderful and I love my hubby very much. I also in a way am still very independent . My Husband is a very cool guy and understands who I am and gives me the freedom to be me. I am not domestic at all because I choose to be. I hate cooking and cleaning to be honest . Luckily my husband understands because he's pretty laid back.
Marriage is such a wonderful and beautiful thing because I have this amazing person to spend my life with. Someone who is with me through everything , the good and the bad.
I think you are misunderstanding the idea. The books are likely saying that a Christian should approach marriage with the intention of serving the other person rather then expecting the other person to serve you.
In short: selflessness. Marriage is supposed to be about selflessness and putting the other person's needs above your own.
Heh, I can identify! While there's a lot of affirmation of how wonderful marriage is, it's rarely explained exactly what about it is so wonderful. What we're told is we're absolutely guaranteed to fall out of love in a few years, and we're guaranteed to have times when we absolutely do not want to stay married and the only thing keeping us together will be the fact that we know it's wrong to divorce. C. S. Lewis once said that the marriage that is most pleasing to God is the one that feels most like dying!
And then there's all the stuff about how awful divorce is and how it will ruin your life, and how half of all marriages are doomed to divorce. That doesn't exactly make it more appealing either, and I wouldn't blame some people from concluding that it's better to just not marry at all.
My 17 year relationship with my wife was the most rewarding relationship I've ever had. I we fought and sometimes hurt each other deeply, but we learned from each fight and matured spiritually much more quickly than we would have had we not married.
In my estimation, the only greater investment one can make with their lives is to give them to God, (then to a spouse, then to children). The things you gain can never be taken away from you though, for a short while you lose a loved one.
I have been married for almost a year now... I expected that t would be wonderful.
Though on our wedding night, I thought to myself, this is it he is the one that I will be with for the rest of my life. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just that I finnally realized that I would never be able to date again. As time almost reaches our first wedding anniversery, I have come to realize that marriage is not easy, and that no matter how good of a christian you are the thought still runs through your mind; " Would my life be better off if I married this other guy?"
I feel guilty for thinking such a thing...but it seems imposable not to think about it when you are mad at your spouse. I do love him dearly, and I remind myself of this and that I made a promise to him, myself, and god, and I plan to keep it.
I see what you mean about the negative vew that young people have on marriage today. I think that it has much to do with how the world has changed. Christianity is something that americans would rather ignore, than fallow; so that they can enjoy the pleasures of the world. They are also seeing all the failed marriages that you even see with christain, there is also the lazy factore; children in todays socioty have become very lazy do to modurn technologies, marriage takes work and who wants that. It could also have to do with the fact that kids just want to have fun, and when you get married you can not do the same things that you had done in the past.
The thing out of all of these that I have metiond that I think has the bigest impact is the fact that there is such a high divorce rate. Who wants to get married if its just going to fail?