Friday, 17 April 2009
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Why Are All the Godly Men Married?
by Sharon Hodde of She Worships
As a single woman, I remember going to Christian concerts or conferences or seminars in which I would watch a young, good looking guy on stage who seemed so in love with the Lord, and so passionate and articulate about his faith, that it made my heart flutter. THAT was the guy for me!I just knew we were supposed to get married, and I day-dreamed about the way that we would meet–maybe he would see me across the lobby later on that night, be captivated by my beauty and just HAVE to talk to me. Or, he would see me in the audience, and I would look so worshipful and in love with God that he would know we were meant to be together. He’d never seen anyone look so beautiful as she worshiped God!
And we’d get married and travel the world together telling people about Jesus–maybe he would lead worship, and then I would be the main speaker at arena events. Kind of a Chris Tomlin-Beth Moore combo.
That is how I knew my life would play out. That is, until I made the horrible discovery. I looked down at his hand, and there it was–a wedding ring.
My entire life plans were crushed in an instant.
As a result of experiences such as these, I frequently found myself asking, “Why are all the godly men already married?” I figured that there must have been some sort of fire sale while I was in college, and if you didn’t snatch up your husband then, the supply ran out. All that was left were the guys that nobody else wanted.
As a single woman, it’s very easy to feel this way, and to such an extent that it feels VERY real. In my more sane moments I knew that there were, in fact, plenty of solid, single Christian guys around, but it was on the lonely days that I genuinely feared there weren’t any left.
So in the face of this fear, on those days when it seems as though all the godly men have gone off and gotten married, leaving an over-abundance of single gals behind, how are women to respond?
The first is to open your eyes and look around you. Maybe you don’t know any Chris Tomlin types, and maybe all the pastors at your church are married, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any godly, single men left. Being godly does not equal being on stage.
I have single guy friends who serve in the youth ministry, the college ministry, the children’s ministry, the new members ministry, organizing mission trips, and teaching Sunday school classes. Their jobs may be less visible, but their commitment to serve, even when it’s not glamorous, says a great deal about their character.
So on behalf of all my single guy friends who are totally on fire for the Lord, I’ve gotta give a shout out to them. Ladies, they are definitely out there, and they are DEFINITELY worth waiting for.
But the second thing you need to consider in the face of this fear is its root. Where is the fear coming from? To become so afraid of something that you begin to think irrationally is a clear indicator of a spiritual issue. Even if you are not controlled by this fear, even if you have only had this thought in passing, you need to take a good, hard look at it.
What does this fear say about your belief that God is in control? Are you afraid that God wanted to provide you with a husband, but accidentally ran out of men? Does God only reward those women who go out and hunt for a husband early on? Or another thought I had as a young woman–was I not pretty enough to get married straight out of college?
All of these questions, and there are many more, are rooted in lies and misconceptions about God, and ourselves. We are not trusting that God will provide, and we are wondering if there is something inherently wrong with us. The fear that “all the godly men are married” is just a symptom of this spiritual confusion.
So if you find yourself asking this question, stop yourself and instead reflect upon why you are asking it. No, all the godly men are not married, and even if you don’t know a single Christian man in your entire city, if God wants you to get married then He is certainly capable of making that happen. After all, he pulled a rib out of Adam’s side to give him a mate, so I think God can handle your love life.
So the main question is whether you are being fulfilled in Christ NOW. As long as you allow that void in your heart to dwell, then those fears will continue to creep in on you. But if you fill that void with Christ, then those fears will have no foothold. You will simply have nothing to fear.
*And for further reading on this topic, check out Exodus, and the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. Both are stories of scarcity, and God’s over-abundant provision in response. It is a good reminder about the character of the God who created you.
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Comments (57)
Encouraging post. I will definitely look to Exodus and also look at the other story again.
From a single Christian guy,
Guess what? I'm 40.
I may not be exactly perfect, but on the other hand, I've decided that the accidental beginning of my adult life should continue in purity until I MIGHT find a godly Christian woman who is supposed to be MY godly Christian wife. If I don't find her, then maybe I'm not supposed to be married, and am to merely be the best me that I can be. That would surely be easier than adding husband and father to the list of duties when I'm apparently not ready, or maybe not even designed for, such relationships. I might be designated to be merely a pure, healthy, godly Christian man who can spend a large chunck of his income not on family, but on those who need, or merely wish a hand with their lives.
Be the best you you can be right now, and don't worry about the other person who may or may not exist, and may or may not be ready for you, or vice versa. Just thinking that I might have a lot more prep work before I am ready.
If you're the one for me, maybe you should pray for me. If I'm not, you can still pray for me, AND pray specifically for the good and spiritual increase of your unknown potential mate.
May God direct, keep, and bless you and yours, and give you the godly desires of your heart - remember how many times Jesus said yes, how few times he said no, and that even when he did say no - it was soon overturned by a trusting and faithful heart seeking him!
Love...
Give...
(and most appropriately for an end to this reply,)
Submit
This is something I've thought about. It's very tough not to believe that all the good ones are gone and I definitely struggle with the thinking that maybe God doesn't have someone for me. It is an issue of really trusting God is in control of things. I've learned too to check that thought process when it comes up and remind myself that I have NOW in Christ and to utilize my singleness for all it's worth because I might not have to use for Him forever.
I think too often we focus on "where are all the godly men?" that we put off being godly women. I know that when I was in college I felt called to go overseas but didn't want to go until I found my husband...just because I didn't want to be all alone in the middle of India.
But the longer we put stuff like that off, the more likely it is that we'll never do it.
We need to stop looking for Mr. Godly and start being Ms. Godly.
I love Saint Paul's teaching that if you are single stay single. Understanding this teaching takes a lot of the pressure off, especially for women.
For as bad as men say they have it desiring women, we too, have that natural, lusty attraction for men, plus a child bearing imperative that applies tremendous pressure to us in the man hunting department.
But the way we are to spend our life serving Christ is a matter of vocation. What are we called to do? Everyone needs to pray, fast and engage in charity. So until we become aware of our calling there is lots to do. And maybe in our lots to do we will be fortunate enough to meet Mr. Wonderful!
Very well written post. It is so true that being Spiritual is definitely not equal to being on stage.
Some of the most spiritual guys that I know (in fact, probably 50%) are still single and girls will not even touch them with a 10 foot pole.... not because they didn't shower, or because they're socially awkward, or sci-fi nerds or anything like that. But it's because they aren't the typical "romance" type. there is nothing glamerous or "heart fluttering" about them (probably why they are good Christian guys) They are smart, but quiet.
I have had girls actually tell me that they think they're nice... but they see them as 'brothers'... they dont' get that "heart flutter" from them...
I am very close to these guys so it made me a little mad when these girls said that.
So perhaps, if you are a single girl looking for a Christian guy... open your eyes up and start looking at your brothers.
living in new york sometimes its depressing... looking at all these men some even in the family that live their lives so frivolously so promiscuously constantly committing adultery with their hearts, their eyes, their minds, their bodies... its sickening... so much so that now its gotten physically sickening to me... my stomach would churn..
but you have to keep faith... and trust God.. if you're meant to be married you will and if ur not ur calling to God was something different... and your calling will come...
sometimes its hard when you've lived ur life not knowing God n then finally when you've decided to follow him fully and passionately you realize.. WOAH the MAJORITY.. yes the MAJORITY of the world is not ... WOW... its like a crazy realization at first... but then you appreciate the uniqueness of the Lord and his people... and you have faith that everything will be alright
Girls need to watch less chick flicks in which serendipitous and over-dramatized romance is played out. So many women today have a perverted idea of what romance and love are supposed to be. Life is not hollywood. You're not Mandy Moore and this walk is probably not as memorable. Too often women think weddings are about them and call it their day. It's ludicrous and unbiblical.
Love is not something you fall into it but something you commit to.
Marriage is not a right. It is not a give-in or even necessary/beneficial for all people. Explore the possibilities. Perhaps you are better suited for a life of celibacy. Perhaps not.
If you are obsessed with marriage there is probably a problem. Self-examination is a must.
Don't play the comparison game either ladies. "Oh, well he's not like Chris Tomlin in this way or that way." Come on. Everyone is different. Appreciate people for who they are. Have realistic expectations.
Quit drooling over celebrities; especially Christian celebrities (an oxymoron). Again, when you dream too much about them you make them into something they aren't.
You may not get a knight in shining armor. Chances are, you are a peasant girl and if you ever marry wisely it'll be to a pig farmer who can't read. That's totally okay and worth investing in.
all i know is I wanna give "The Gift" back...
not all of us are married... some of use are waiting just as much for the godly gals too... some of us have an idea of what we want more than others...
we're still around... don't worry... just few and far between... is all...
Good post! I totally relate with what you are saying, and agree that the godly men are out there, but sometimes it takes a little bit more work to find them. It seems a lot harder than when we were younger. But they're out there...somewhere!
Awesome post! I have been worried about this myself, about girls at least haha.
wow, i think God might have actually led me to this post. because that's exactly how i feel, i think i just needed to read that, thank you.
and to @deepestrecesses - almost always i'll pick a Christian guy out of a crowd and find him more attractive than the other guys that weren't Christians. seeing a guy that has a love for God like i do makes my "heart flutter" :)
Good post, I appreciate your thoughts!
@HollowTendencies@xanga - well that is good! lol sounds like you are one of the few! I wish someone like you would find some of my friends! lol They deserve a good Christian girl that admires Christian qualities over other "typical" stuff.
That's strange; usually I get the, "Why is it that all the good guys are married or are priests?" But I take that as a great compliment, because it isn't like we want all the good men to be single while all the bad men are husbands and priests!
Just remember that those Godly, married men were single once too; they start out that way. Pray and be patient not only with God but yourself, and he will lead your heart to a man who will help you draw nearer your True Love in Jesus Christ. Blessings on that!
I have to agree with TheGreatBout -- we tend to fantasize a lot about the ideal girl or guy. Girls, take down the Chris Tomlin posters yesterday. Get rid of the fantasies you see on TV, they're not real. Stop planning your life around the husband you don't have.
Guys, stop watching movies by Judd Apatow and drop the pseduo-spiriutal act around the girls. If you're waiting for the "Righteous Christian Fox," (although the CBA/CCM market doesn't market them nearly as much as the do the "pensive male worship leader with goofy hair" these days) knock it off.
The Godly men aren't all married, and neither are all of the good girls. It make take a little bit of searching -- or accepting of more realistic standards -- to see that.
For the guys, I remember this article from The Wittenberg Door from years past. The Amy Grant references may be dated, but the point stands. As bad as the Chris Thomlin fangirls might be, the Amy Grant (or Rebecca St. James ten years later) fanboys were not better:
http://is.gd/t6qK
Move to Dallas, Texas. There's a lot of single men out there, according to Miss Tyra Banks.
I am single and 26... and my impression is that there are plenty of godly guys out there (would it be prideful to say I am one myself); however, there seems to be something in females that struggles between the idea of loving someone and what love in reality actually is. Maybe that is another way of saying they are too picky and expect way to much - it always seems to be not enough or too much in relationships for them, as if relationships are supposed to just be some whirlwind romance with none of the hard work and effort it takes for a good one.
and I do not just say this because I am single still but because out of those who I have attempted relationships with and those females who are still single who are around me, this seems to be a theme.
Learn more about love from Jesus Christ then from your Jane Austen books and movies, that is all I am saying.
Oh, that is good--great post. The godly single men aren't always the ones on stage.
Check the stagehands. Check the sound crew. And above all, always check the roadies.
Good post. Though this is something "I know"...sometimes I have to remind myself/be reminded of it. Some random and possibly unrelated thoughts I have on this:
Truth: when I am in a gathering of Christians, and a song or prayer requires "just the men" to vocalize...something in me nearly swoons with gladness and hope at that sound...listen to all those Christian men! They really do exist!
Truth: I have a short list of real life guys I know and admire, about whom I have said to the Lord more than once, "I would be really happy to have someone like that." None of them are famous, and my reasons of putting them on the list are all about their faith and not about their abs/hair/general coolness factor/visibility to the public.
Truth: I am from a very, very rural place. I have considered moving to a bigger city where the sheer numbers might increase the probability that someone my age or older and as Jesus-freaky as me might exist, with interest toward me. It does occur to me that though God can pull something out of nothing, sometimes we have to do our part, too. I haven't moved yet. I haven't ruled it out either.
Truth: I'd rather remain single than have a husband who won't lead, so that leaves me quietly waiting on God to send someone who will initiate the relationship. It appears that type of man is rare indeed.
Truth: Having tried marrying someone God told me not to, I now live mostly at peace with being single. It's better than that.
Truth: Being single leaves one gloriously free for service to God, and THAT is nothing to take lightly.
What uplifting insights! God is indeed capable of providing every need!
I would like to add that that one of the reasons it seems like "all the good ones are taken" is because it takes a good woman to complete a good man. The ones that are up there for you to see are the ones that have been completed by God's perfect choice for them. They are the "good ones" because "it is not good for man to be alone". Any they are not alone anymore.
Obviously, I'm not saying that one can't effectively serve the Lord single, but merely point out that that married ones are more able to stand out from the crowd because they are married. Which should give the singles even more hope for the future.
My sister always says: Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, and all the rest are handicap.
i feel that at this moment i am surrounded by idiocy. but um, okay.
@TheGreatBout@xanga - I was in stitches all the way down. Reality check!
@SnowWhiteRoseRed@xanga - No offense, but your sister sounds pretty shallow. I hope she doesn't have to settle for a "handicap spot."