Tuesday, 07 April 2009
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How I Forgave My Rapist
Awhile back, I wrote this post about why I forgave my rapist. I was overwhelmed at the response and touched by those who shared they struggled to forgive. So many people asked me how I forgave. I'm ashamed to say I shied away from truly answering.
You see, at the time, I was in the middle of a crisis of faith. I was trying to abandon all I believed about God, His love for me and what He had helped me accomplish in life. In writing that post and responding to the comments, over time I realized that I cannot deny His part in my ability to forgive. I have returned to my Christian faith, repented of my stubbornness and now feel led to write this follow-up.
I accepted Christ as my savior in my sophomore year at college. I had been date raped, became pregnant and consequently lost that child. It was a bottom I never imagined existed after a childhood filled with sexual abuse and trauma. A friend had been quietly sharing her faith with me the entire year prior. She painstakingly answered every question I had, never pushed and never judged. When I hit bottom, I saw the truth she had so clearly been living out.
As I grew in my relationship with Christ, God continued to offer healing to me. I soaked it in like a sponge. Despite all the healing, I still harbored hate and anger that would appear in the worst places and times. Through prayer and discussions with Christians I trusted, I knew God was asking me to forgive.
Despite clearly hearing God ask me to forgive, despite knowing what forgiveness would mean for me, I continued to struggle. It seemed too hard. I rejoiced in the forgiveness God had offered me for my sins. Washed clean as snow, I was free from guilt. I understood that Christ died on the cross for me and my sins. That He gladly would have done it had I been the only person ever to live. I just couldn't see offering that forgiveness to the boy who had so badly tormented me throughout my childhood. Surely, his sins were beyond forgiveness.
One night, after another inappropriate and unprovoked outburst at a friend, I lay face first on the ground and cried out to God for help. His answer was the same- that I needed to forgive. Finally ready to do it, but still not able to, I begged him to show me why and how I could do the seemingly impossible.
In that moment, I saw Jesus on the cross. I heard God say in my heart “If you cannot forgive, then you are calling me a liar. You are spitting on my son's face and saying he died for nothing. You job is not to judge a person's worth, it is mine. I allowed my son to die for everyone. Your rapist will face consequences only I can give. He will face My judgment if he refuses to repent, but that is between Me and him. So, will you continue to call me a liar? Will you spit in the face of My dying Son just so you can continue to judge another person?”
The answer was, I couldn't. I saw the love in Christ's face, not just for me, but for my rapist. And I was able to forgive. It was instant, and it was a process. As so many of us believers do, I would revisit the cross and pick back up the anger I had laid down. I would second guess God and would carry that burden when I knew it wasn't mine to bear anymore. It has been fifteen years, and I am happy to say that this particular burden is not one I revisit and pick back up. It has been permanently laid to rest at the foot of the cross. There are other burdens I have trouble leaving behind; I visit them like dying relatives, trying to test God's truth of bearing them for me.
Do you think there are sins that are unforgivable? How do you deal with the hardest hurts to forgive?
photo: soot+chalk
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About the Author
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- From: RepressedonRev
- Name: Jody
- About Me: A Christ follower struggling to make it all make sense.
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Comments (79)
This is amazing. Thank you for sharing.
I REALLY wish you could get in touch with some organizations and share this story. I'm not sure if you know antisoccermom on Xanga, but she wrote an amazing story as well about her situation regarding abortion. When I told her she should get her story out to organizations, etc., she said she had gotten offers on publishing it in church material, etc.
I REALLY, REALLY cannot tell you how much I think this would do for many concerned, young girls of whom this has happened to, just like you! I believe this would be the icing on the cake to your healing as well...something good coming from a bad situation, just like as what happened to Joseph, in the Bible...all about God taking something bad and using it for good!
Please think about this. With your story touching as many of us that it didn't happen to, imagine what it could do for those who are still hurting and need to learn to forgive the perpetrator as well, :) I believe God could use you and your story greatly if you desire, :)!
Thanks for sharing, Jodi. I think that forgiveness is a dreadfully hard thing to do...yet reading the stories of others, it seems that it must be done to recover. You cannot move forward without forgiveness.
I also think that "walking with God" could easily replace "forgiveness" in the sentences above and make sense.
thanks for sharing !
What are you, fuckin' stupid?
This is a great testimony! Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful once again. God just keeps working in your life. I pray he continues.
If Jesus was able to forgive those who nailed him to the cross, I don't think there is ANY sin that is unforgivable. Your attitude is so amazing, thank you for sharing this story!
@Drakonskyr@xanga - I don't know who you are but that comment was uncalled for. If you disagree then do the mature thing and just close the site. God bless!
your story is so touching. I think u're a very brave person to forgive such person and leave the hate behind. God bless you!!
Take care x
Thank you for sharing this. It has been a long process for me to forgive my abuser as well. Your testimony is powerful and it is clear God is using you for His glory.
Love always
@Drakonskyr@xanga - I dunno who you are, and for that you can thank God.
Wow, thank you for sharing! I'm really glad I read this :) I think I needed to.
I'm bad at forgiveness, especially when it comes to forgiving myself. Horribly, horribly bad. But this really puts things in perspective. Thank you. =]
@Pickwick12@xanga - Thank you.
@JUSTAVAPORHERE@xanga - I agree that God can use me. He already has. This is a story I have often told. And will continue to tell. Thank you for the encouragement.
@GreekPhysique@xanga - I'm glad you liked it. And I agree that forgiveness is a major part of walking with God.
@MiSS__NARA@xanga - You're welcome.
@Drakonskyr@xanga - No, but I believe your own tendancy towards stupidity might be showing. You might want to check that.
@k_stin@xanga - You're welcome. I'm glad it touched you.
@itsaverb@xanga - Thank you. I am confident He will. He never abandons us. Even when we abandon him.
@XxFireXboltxX@xanga - I agree. I'm glad you liked this.
@sunfiremom@xanga - Thanks for the defense. His comment made me laugh actually. Makes me wonder what is inside him that causes this reaction. :D
@christie7013@xanga - Thank you, I'm glad it touched you.
@brutalnotfutile@xanga - As I said, forgiveness is both a once and done and a process. It can take time, but it is so worth it.
@John_of_the_bloomdocks@xanga - Thanks for the defense. I don't let those types of comments bother me. It reflects more on him than anything else.
@FlyAway180@xanga - You're welcome. I hope it does help.
@justagirl11 - I heard something about forgiving ourselves on Sunday that really took my by surprise but I think it's so true. If you are a believer in Christ...it's not your job to forgive yourself. It's God's job. You didn't sin against yourself. You sinned against him. The one that is wronged is the one that needs to forgive...not the one who did wrong. That just blows my mind.
Great testimony!
You're a very strong, brave woman to actually have the courage to forgive someone who put you through a traumatizing time in your life.
Thank you for expressing these emotions so freely. It's something to really look onto for faith.
You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story!
So the next time you get raped, will you blame God?
I'm glad this got featured here because your story has the ability to touch a lot of folks.
I know personally reading about the strength and courage to forgive your rapist makes me realize that I have the same strength to forgive someone (or whoever .. ) in my life who has also hurt me.
I think within this community (xanga) and our own communities in general, when we share openly about experiences like this we really can learn from one another so much. So thanks so much for sharing. : )
@Homosexual - Why would I? I didn't blame him for any of the other times. He is not responsible for the sins people commit. They are.
@denisethornton919 - Sorry if it was confusing, but I meant both abusers, actually. My childhood abuser raped me repeatedly. I have forgiven him. I forgave the date rapist as well. It actually doesn't hurt me to talk about these things. I have forgiven and allowed God to heal me. I have gotten a lot of help to do this.
@awholenewbeginning@xanga - You're welcome. I shared it hoping God would use it to touch others.
Thank you for sharing this. I think I have finally forgiven my childhood abuser, after years of blocking it out, but remembering still causes those feelings of nausea to well up, and I feel hate and disgust when I think of him - and I never, ever want to see him again, ever in my life. I worry whether that means I haven't forgiven, or are those just normal feelings of repulsion - after all, the memory will never be a pleasant one. I am having a harder time forgiving the person whose hurts directly impact my life everyday, through our daughter - it's hard to forgive someone who just keeps hurting, and hurting us. THe anger and resentment are tearing us up, and I know I need to let it go, but still finds ways to turn the thumbscrews. I want so badly to forgive and not have the anger and hate, but don't know how.