I've been going to church for 7 years, and I still find it hard to form a bond with the people there. It got to the point where I hated going to church. Every time I go there, I ended up judging people around me, thinking everyone there is so fake. I know as Christians we should not let such thoughts consume us. This just frustrated me even more.
My efforts to show up every Sunday were only for God. He was my only motivation too. But I soon learned that going to church felt more of a duty that I dread and that my attitude was not something to be brought to church.
During my absence, I somehow started talking someone from that church named Peter. We became pretty close and he was the first person from church I opened up to. He convinced me to come back. I guess God used him to bring me back. My attitude at church was a lot better but as time passed Peter and I became distant.
Right now, I still feel disconnected, but I blame it on my introvert personality.
Although 3 years later I have opened up to a couple of people, I still hermit myself when we're at church in a group. People there seem to just have a really tight bond as a group that has no room for me. We don't click and we don't connect unless we talk one on one. It's just who I am, I'm not good in groups. Every effort I put into a conversation feels like I'm embrassing myself. I feel out of place and lost with words.
Putting that all aside, I'm thankful that I don't have that bitter attitude I once had. Church has been more enjoyable and you can catch me smiling there unlike before and I thank God for providing me with the friends I have there who I can open up to. They've been a real good influence. BUT I must emphasize the point that when it comes to groups... that bond I have with those friends becomes invisible.
So, am I the one to blame for that weak connection I have with the church as a group? What's your relationship with the Church like?
Comments (38)
I'm exactly like you...I hope you get an answer from someone else..I would like to know too.
You're not to blame. It's the devil's fault. (That's the stock Christian answer, isn't it?)
In all seriousness, though, have you thought of looking for another church? If you're not compatible with the people at this church, you're not going to be getting as rich of an experience as you might if you were at a church where you could be part of a group.
I don't like the word "blame" so much.
Is part of the disconnectedness that you tend to be an introvert. Sure.
It's not the only reason, though. Churches on Sunday mornings aren't really great places to truly meet people. You'd have to be part of some other aspect, like a small group or ministry - somewhere that you actually meet people longer than a "Hi" and a handshake.
As for me, church used to be the central focus of friendships and activities. It's not anymore. I attend two different churches. I don't have close relational ties with either, but I enjoy both very much for different reasons.
My question back to you would be "Do you want to be connected with the people at your church?"
i agree with humble walk. sunday morning services are no place to create community.
i wonder, also...do you trust these people? is there an underlying reaons WHY you are introverted in this place? do you feel threatened...or do you feel this way all time? if so, what is it that makes you intor verted to the point of not wanting to be close to anyone?
I had the same hard time at church for most of my life. When I took the focus off of trying to gain some experience for myself things changed immediately.
The Catholic Mass is wonderful because you watch and listen to something incredibly beautiful for one entire hour. The incredibly beautiful thing is thanksgiving. Every word, every gesture, everything is thankgiving to God.
Surely your church worship is all about thanksgiving too. Being thankful for blessing received makes all the difference in the world.
the more you commit to serving your local church and getting into a community of people that'll walk life with you... the more connected you will be...
the less committed one is, the less connected one will be... the less you serve and stay faithful, the less motivated you will be to serve... the less you will be connected...
so I don't know what that means for you... but I'd encourage you to find a ministry you're passionate about, start serving in that particular ministry, stay faithful till otherwise Divinely notified, and then u'll stay connected...
Church used to be a place that I only go to to attend mass on Sundays and Holy days of obligation. There were no bonds with the people at church, I felt like I didn't belong there as a whole and in groups either. That is until I decided to volunteer at church. Even though I still feel like I don't fit in with groups at church, but as a whole, I've come to realize that this is the place I want to be. Also, slowly, I've become more connected with the people who are volunteering for the same work I am doing. It takes time to open up and form a close bonds with people, just like with friends. So it may help if you participate in one of the group at church, whether it's a youth group, choir group, or teaching, etc. It will take times to form a close connection with others, but you have to do your part in connecting with them too.
Im the same way as you are I do not connect at all with the people at the church that my husband and I rarely go to because were will young like by 60 years everyone at this church are 65 and 90 years of age. They realy disapprove of young people being involved much less being inside the church theres no young, children and young or middle aged adult ministries just senior adult 1 Sunday school class and 1 Sunday service and thats it for the week. So how can anyone call that a church and not a Bible study ? Please respond anyone so I found two other churches that I am debatting on going to one in Rosendale Christian Church and Pleasent Hills Church
I go to a church where people ask each other to pray with each other and I've been asked to join them on retreats and to share with teaching. The Bible is taught there and God speaks through His word. They have a bookstore and Bibles are sold at cost without markup.
There are opportunities to teach Sunday School and to volunteer.
I find that it takes some initiative on your part to try and get involved, whether it be fellowships or stuff, but it takes a lot more initiate on the group of people to try and include others in their activites. I think a lot of churches become very clique-ish and its hard for them to include people that are new and stuff. My church group is like that - when a new person around our age came to church, it was hard for us to accept him and invite him to hang out at first. It took some nudging from the youth pastor before we were really able to get to know each other better.
Don't be too discouraged...God is a good God. Keep praying to him to help you through this problem. He will give you the strength to carry on. If you feel really convicted, consider shaing this with the friends you are close to. I'm sure that they will make the extra effort to make sure you feel included
If things really aren't going well, then maybe it is time to consider searching for a new church. Church should be a place where you feel comfortable and are able to share freely with others, both in one-on-ones and in groups.
This one is simple, and I have been there before.
You can chose to remain on the outside looking in, thinking God is ok with you feeling this way and probably end up walking away from church all together.
OR
You can chose to make the effort to get involved. Find a college and career type group, adult Sunday school classes.. If you like children, find the children's pastor and get involved there. Get involved with a small group. Stop sitting on your bum waiting for an invitation, its not going to come.
You sound like you simply lack the motivation to get up and do something to change your situation at church. So maybe you need a church change. You might not be getting fed what you need (Spiritual sense) from the church, and in that case its time to move.
**I would also like to add something that I know people will disagree with me on. In the Bible, there is a curse mentioned that effects children conceived or born out of wedlock....
Deuteronomy 23:2
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to
his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the
LORD.
So I do not know if this applies to you, but I know this is very true even today unless you break it by the blood of Christ. I know this is true because my brother and myself (adopted as infants, not bio-siblings) have battled for years to get involved, and then we figured out why..
After breaking this cruse, it became a matter of choosing to become involved and connected, or not.
I don't think it's a blame thing. I think that maybe it's a perspective thing. Church is not about what you get out of it, although it is nice to have the family feeling in a church not every church is at that level yet. I think church is about what you put into it. If this is the church family God has called you to be in then maybe you should figure out what you are supposed to be doing to contribute to the family. Every church member is important. If God has you there then he has you there for a reason and that reason may not always be about your personal happiness at this very moment. I would pray and ask God to show you why he has you at that church at this moment. Finding your purpose there might help you find your happiness there too.
@JJPrint3rd@xanga - Funny that it would require the blood of a bastard child to break that curse isn't it. I mean technically speaking since Mary was not married to God or to the holy spirit that "came upon her", Jesus was himself a bastard. Worse he was the child of adultery since Mary was already engaged to Joseph and the comitment was already at such a level as to require that he divorce her if he wished to seperate from her.
@echois23@xanga - its unfortunate. But, the devil still claims that curse. I have know of about 20 people who experienced everything my brother and I did growing up in church, trying at every angle to get involved, and yet nothing working. Like my brother is a fantastic musician, but every time he tried to get involved with worship, SLAM goes the door. Finally after a lot of prayer and seeking and research, this came up. All 20 people I know were either born or conceived out of wedlock. So all fall under the bastard's curse. It is human sin that keeps this curse going. But I am so thankful we found freedom in Christ.
Tho, I am not sure if it makes a difference but I am told that because Mary was still a virgin even when she gave birth, and remained a virgin until after she and Joseph married, that is why this particular curse is still active. Jesus was technically not born out of wedlock because Mary did not have sex. (I hope I said this right and it makes sense).
@JJPrint3rd@xanga - I disagree with your definition of bastard. The definition of bastard has nothing to do with virginity or lack of it. It has to do with the lack of marriage between the parents. My friend who is Acitic Jew told me that they even consider a child born of sperm or egg donation to be a bastard for that reason. So if I as a virgin use sperm donation to get pregnant my child would be considered a bastard.
Got another angle. My early experience with the church was hearing nameless relatives complain about how they felt the people in church were too stuck up--and yet when I tried to reach out to church people-those relatives discouraged me from doing so--hello???? If you're extremely busy--don't complain about others not taking their time to get to know you.
Wonder, too, if the secular media's portrayal of the Christian church-(which-to put it mildly-when it comes to modern day settings is not positive.) had any influence on the author's way of thinking.
@echois23@xanga - I would like to AGAIN to point out that it was not MY opinion. (thus I said "I am told" not, "in my opinion"). This is what a pastor I know told me on the subject of why this curse was not broken with Jesus. Yes, Jesus was a bastard. And by the way, if you do a study on him and his church involvement, you can clearly see he was always in conflict with the church.. Hhmm victim of the bastards curse Himself?
One more thing: I, too, am not the most out-going person when it comes to in-group situations. Don't think you're doing something wrong. Ask yourself-how many more people in that fellowship do you really want to open up to--and how much do you want to open up to them about (be it church-related or non-church related).
I'm a musician who attends my church 3 times a month-still keep in touch with a couple of other members I attended college with.
Phillippians 4: "Whatever is good, right, , , think on these things."
@JJPrint3rd@xanga - Sorry I misunderstood. My point was that it took someone "under the curse" to break the curse for others. For the record, my parents were married and I have also been to churches from time to time that I felt totally out of sync with everyone there. So the feeling of just not fitting into a congregation is not unique to children of unwed parents.
@echois23@xanga - I did not say anywhere that this feeling was unique to children of unwed parents. If you read my first comment you will see that.
I think...
having just left the organized "church" that it is more than likely not your fault. It seems to me that churches in general present a picture of what we should be that is somewhat off base. What I mean is, no one is really given the freedom to be who they are in God.
We are all at different points in our walk with Him, and He knows what we need when we need it. Church, on the other hand, tends to force a sort of conformity to try to make us all look alike. Wrong answer!
I have five sons ranging in age from 1 year old to 17 years old. Even though each of them is made up of the same genetic material, cut from the same cloth so to speak, their likes, dislikes, passions, attitudes, etc are so vastly different from the next in line. I try to home in on the thing that motivates each one, and meet them where they are. God does the same with us.
Don't let it get you down sister, God has you, and He will get you where you need to be, whether that be in a "church" or not, He is faithful, and He can be trusted.
Eric
I wonder if the problem of church is the modern template. Some have called it fast food Christianity; you drive to a place where you get a spiritual fix and then go home. It seems that the early church was more of a home variety, probably by necessity, but afforded the opportunity to get to know people on a deeper level and didn't depend on an institution to be fed. Instead of one person being the focal point, all could be involved in expressing themselves in a spiritual way.
I feel the same as you at times.
I just moved to Argentina a couple of months ago to do a missionary stint for a year, and even though i am okay with the language, people still tend to treat me as an outsider. I do not blame them for that, they all know eachother and it is easy to oust someone who is going to be leaving anyway, i mean why work on a relationship with someone who is going to be leaving...i get it. But the truth is, it still sucks and it hurts. It brings back those years when i was a new christian trying to attend youth group and everyone had their little groups. It was always so hard to intigrate into them. It is never easy being the new person, and i have yet to figure out how not to be the new person all the time and try to become more like one of them. I think the only way to do that, is to show them you relate to them in some way. I am still struggling with that.
The only answer i have is to love and serve those around you, and to humble yourself. Just be who you are and be okay with that. Imitate Jesus...people are always drawn to Him and when you shine like Him...people will then be drawn to you.
Just know you are not alone in this struggle. All of us have felt this way at some time..some for longer.
--Lauren
I am actively involved in my church, helping run a homeless ministry and a leader on our missions team to the Dominican Republic for the second year in a row, as well as attending church regularly. Â
Yet, I feel completely disconnected. If I miss a week of church people might notice but no one would call or text to see where I was. Throughout the week I have no contact with anyone from my church beyond facebook updates.I am constantly questioning myself, wondering what it is about me that makes people not want to be friends with me. I am constantly inviting people out to eat and to movies, to picnics and bike rides. At this point, I think they are to blame. They have made such good friends with each other that they aren't willing to make room for one more person. It saddens me, and I have considered moving to a new church, but I think I will stick it out a little longer. I feel like there is a lot of good I am doing where I am at, even if I have to find good friends somewhere else.