by miss magnolia Something that is difficult for me to understand about a lot of Christian guys is they feel the need or the right to date around. They get to know (flirt) with multiple females, keeping their options open, until they figure out which one they want to date. All the while the girls are feeling like they are special and the only one getting the attention. A lot of times these types of "Christian daters" use the excuse that it's "God's calling" and "God's plan for them" to not settle down yet, but be friends with many girls at one time.
Let's be honest: this is a complete cop-out for Christian guys who just want to get to know many girls while making it seem like it's their calling.
I know a guy who does this. He's big into missions work and wants a girl to be his wife, and they can do missions work together. However, in the search for a wife, he feels the need or right to talk to more than one girl at one time. He claims he's not leading them on because he just "wants to get to know them" as friends.
I'm sorry, but you can't flirt with a girl continuously and not expect her to feel like you are actually into her. And then you pull out the God card and say, "I don't think God wants us to be together." If you were listening to God in the first place, things wouldn't be this way.
Why do a lot of Christian guys use God to talk to many girls?
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Comments (119)
I don't know anyone who does this... but he sounds like a real ass...
Maybe they use it to make girls think "its ok since God is calling him to me"
Define "flirt."
I'm not satisfied with the definition you give. Flirting is just getting to know people? I mean, then I flirt with other guys all the time, despite my decidedly straight leanings.
I think that guys--and girls--should not only be able to "get to know" multiple people but also date (zero-commitment out-for-coffee sort of date) multiple people. It should only be once the relationship becomes serious ("courting" "going steady" "dating-with-intent") that an exclusive one-on-one expectation should form.
Exclusivity is a function of commitment. There is no commitment in "getting to know" someone, thus there does not need to be exclusivity.
...
That being said...
Now if flirting is something more involved than "getting to know" someone--more like my definition of flirting, which is "nonverbal signaling of romantic interest," than that may be different. But still. Exclusivity is a function of commitment.
I have several Christian guy friends and NONE of them do this. You've gotta remember that just because someone is pulling the Christian card, doesn't automatically mean that they're a true follower.
One of my best guy friends is a flirt but it's just his way of showing that he cares about his friends. There doesn't always have to be a romantic conotation that goes with flirting. But a lot of girls are too naive to understand that.
@ChrisRusso@xanga - "I think that guys--and girls--should not
only be able to "get to know" multiple people but also date
(zero-commitment out-for-coffee sort of date) multiple people. It
should only be once the relationship becomes serious ("courting" "going
steady" "dating-with-intent") that an exclusive one-on-one expectation
should form."
I agree!
What's wrong with having lots of friends of the opposite gender? Yes, it might be a problem if he overtly flirts with them and treats them like he's interested, but even there it's hard to draw the line. One person's "friendly" is another person's "flirty."
But I don't like it when guys pull the god card when they aren't into a girl. Just say "I like you as a friend, but I am not interested romantically." Own up to your own feelings and quit blaming them on God.
Also, I have issues with your line,
"If you were listening to God in the first place, things wouldn't be this way"
Just because you are listening to God, doesn't mean you know which path to take. Scripture says "Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you." Sometimes you have to knock on several doors before one opens unto you, yes? Does that not carry over into a search for one's spouse?
I was listening to God when I met my future spouse. I had no clear leading either way--in fact I rather avoided her for the first year we knew each other. It wasn't until I "got to know" her (reluctantly) that I started to see that God was leading us together.
i completely agree with ChrissRusso. Â
1) christian guys lack to cojones to actually ask a girl out on a date, thus the flirting and leading multiple girls on. it's safe and protects their cowardly hearts from rejection
2) they want to be wise like solomon so a harem full of girls they are "getting to know" seems like a good idea to them
3) christian guys say they want to get married, when in actuality they just want to get the connection and intimacy without the commitment, like their heathen counterparts have taught them so well
4) the church encourages guys to use the God card, and so they do. a lot. and women fall for it
5) lastly, if you are a girl and you are being hit on by the flirt guy, hit back...literally. and leave him to the stupid girls who buy his line.
I know my boys are being trained to "just be friends" with girls until they decide they want to be with someone exclusively. They won't date, but they most certainly will flirt and be friendly.
We'll see.
//Why do a lot of Christian guys use God to talk to many girls?//
Because some of those guys don't have the cahones to strike up a relationship on their own God-given merits.
I was head over heels over this christian guy in highschool. turns out he dated around. A lot. haha I was just the flavor of the week.
because they're hypocrites. i know a lot of religious Christians & Catholics that are crazy party animals who speaks of God every time they open their mouth..but that is of course they don't do it while they're at parties drinking their livers out & having orgies.
any guy that uses Jesus to hit on girl is a big time failure. especially those creeps that stand around at church to check out young females. i see a lot of them at my church..
So you're only allowed to talk to one person at a time? Whew... your God is really strict, isn't he?
I definitely agree with @ChrisRusso@xanga -: As a Christian man, when I was at college I "got to know" a lot of girls. I wanted to know what kind of girl they were before I committed to anything. We don't have a mate picked out for us like in the old days... so we do actually have to "get to know" a lot of people before we make a decision.
I guess I should clarify that "getting to know" someone, in the Christian perspective that I am talking about, does not involve any sexually physical activity at all.
In my opinion I have met a lot of girls that need to stop reading romance novels and grow up. Marriage is not a game and you need to actually decide if the two of you can work well together. If a guy is going to be in missions, he can't have a typical American girl or he will never be accepted in the missions field. So the line "Its not Gods will for us to be together" is perfectly legit if he truly has received a calling into the missions field.
Note- This entire post and much of the subsequent comments are based upon extreme stereo-types.
Not all "Christian" men do things remotely the way you describe.
What's wrong with having options? Just because you have an issue with jealousy, doesn't mean he's wrong. And if you feel special while not even dating him then that's sad.
The whole "only think about one girl" crap is unrealistic and juvenile. Time to grow up.
Ahh, another edifying revelife post about our Christian brothers and sisters.
We should all be thankful this blog is here to provide a positive witness to the online world.
i believe christain guys are "guys" first then christian next... it is extreamly hard for guys to keep that undercontrol... and since christain girls are friendly it gives the guys free pass to date around... i dont date around however i do talk to different friends and keep them as friends only at church... i knew a girl who i thought she was pretty good and even use use the excuse that God's was calling her to me, and then three weeks later GFod was calling her to draw her to somewhere else... what a load of bull,... we cant mix our feelings into God's calling, if God had a voice or we had a God confermation hotline, lot of people would be in trouble... since we dont, we use & abuse relationship... if one was truely faithful, he/she would not even touch them nor lead them on... becuz God will provide... ^^ good post...
sadly, i have known a LOT of guys who do this. it is so immature and frustrating.
Yeah, this seems a bit ridiculous.
@deepestrecesses - If a guy is going to be in missions, he can't have a typical American girl or he will never be accepted in the missions field.
I'm not even sure what that means. I'm a guy who plans on going overseas, and other than the fact that I'm a follower of Christ, I consider myself a typical American guy. Going overseas is about following Jesus, and I'm not sure it's fair to stereotype a missionary as someone who is socially awkward, doesn't care about fashion, and enjoys taking a dump in the woods.
@Theophilus166@xanga - Hahahaha. That was a great comment.
@quiet_strength - Sorry you think that. I think it is not only okay, but healthy and promotes strong friendship to get to know and even get close to people of the opposite sex before you date them.
Here's a thought for all the "princesses" in the room. Maybe you should think about not getting so attached to a guy before you really know him. That might avoid the hurt on your end.
It seems to me the ones of you who come off as hurt want to blame the guy solely for the heartache. When will you take responsibility for your own heart? If he's an ass, it should be apparent far before you give your feelings away to him.
Relationships are hard. Everyone makes mistakes. Get over it and get over yourselves. It's far better to have fun with it.
The title and the ending question are completely different.
Christian guys flirt because they're guys. "Christian" is irrelevant imo, except for maybe how they flirt. Girls flirt too. It's part of social interaction, and is most noticeably prevalent in people in the dating range.
As far as people using the "God's will" card to legitimize their decision-making, the short answer is that they have a faulty notion of what God's will is. The shorter, and more insensitive answer, is that they're stupid.
@Theophilus166@xanga - hahaha, sorry, no I did not mean that.
You will obviously have personality traits, and many people will enjoy having a resteroom available. Personal preferences are always goin to be there, and will be based largely on the culture you grew up in. The important thing is understanding the adaptability of your spouse.
Europe would be a change, but would probably not be that difficult to adapt to as they are considered "civilized" and are a similar culture to ours (somewhat).
Many cultures will have expectations of how women act regarding how they dress, how a woman talks, how they interact socially, what responsibilities they take on, the roles they play, etc.
For instance, I have spoken with missionaries who had been planted into a mission over in the Phillipeans. They had some visiting missionaries come. The wife was free in speech, she discussed things that the other women considered inappropriate for a woman to talk about in public, she wore shorts and a tank-top and she actually corrected a man. To us here in the US that is expected and generally considered normal. To them that was terrible!
So you need to know if the woman you are marrying understands how to adapt to cultures, and is able to remain quiet (like you, as the man, will have to do) until you observe the cultre enough to know how to interact appropriately.
China is the missions field I am most called to- I have talked extensively with missionaries over there and all of them report that the typical "American attitude" is hurting their work over there (both from the men and women that go). In fact many Christian Churches over there are asking that we stop sending American missionaries. They don't like our "challenge everything" attitude.
So all I meant to say by that was that you have to pick a mature woman who is able to adapt, and has the right personality type for the mission field you are called to.
Would you disagree with that?
I don't know any Christian guys who "seriously" date around once they have a woman they intend to marry. I don't expect any man to only talk to me. I would rather have my guy talk to lots of girls before we make those final promises so that he an I can both be sure I'm the one he wants. I think a man who only wanted to talk to me and refused to even be friendly with any other women would scare me away. A man who has only me in his world would put way too much pressure on me. Most guys I know really can't help the occasional casual flirtation. I see no harm in a guy getting to know several women at the same time as long as he has no serious commitment to one of the women it would seem pretty normal for him to keep looking.