Sunday, 15 March 2009
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Pray, Don't Prey: My Friend Decided That God Wants Me to Marry Him
I have been preyed on time and time again by Men of God. It’s not nearly as scary as the word makes it seem. There have been many times in my life when I have met Christian men who seem to just fall head over heels for me. They say it’s because I’m “beautiful” and because I love the Lord at the same time and therefore I’m the perfect catch.Well honestly, I’m flattered; who wouldn’t be, right? The problem is that sometimes this flattery is taken to a different level, a rather uncomfortable level that no one ever really wants to be in. You see there is a thin line between flattery and obsession, and no one in their right mind wants to be obsessed over.
A personal experience of mine is actually occurring right now. I have a friend that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, loves Jesus, not just because he’s told me time and time again but also because I have seen that his ways are before the Lord. He is genuinely a good person and when I first met him I knew we’d be friends. Unfortunately, right before Christmas he flipped the script on me, so to speak.
I had honestly only thought of him as a friend even though we were spending almost every weekend together (in Church and church-related activities). And even though we were around the same age and he was a boy and I was a girl, I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. Anyway, a few days before Christmas he asked me out on a date which came cleverly disguised as another youth group outing to a Christmas dinner. I said yes without really thinking and that’s when he sprung it on me. “Just you though” he said and I was just so confused.
From that date onward he has boldly confessed his love and his hope to one day marry me. Now I am constantly bombarded with these… I guess I’ll call them "romantic advances" from him. He’ll give me a gift or send me a text or e-mail saying how beautiful I am, how my name means beautiful and how much I mean to him. It makes me uncomfortable because the one thing that has always held true in my mind from the beginning is that I would never date this guy, let alone marry him. It’s a long story, but the reason is that I just don’t think we would be a good match at all. Now, every time I see him I feel a little bit uncomfortable.
We’re a part of a pretty good size youth group, and he’s the youth leader, but I feel singled out, as if he is paying too much attention to me. And maybe there was a glimmer of hope for him once upon a time, but that glimmer of hope was quickly burnt away when he turned up the heat on this little crush of his and made me feel as though I had no choice in the matter. He made it seemed as though he and God had decided on this for me. I honestly feel overwhelmed by his infatuation for me, I feel preyed on.
My mother has informed me that he has his entire family praying for me and for our expectant relationship. He has it set in his mind that I am the one God has kept for him and he’s therefore he has left the realm of asking God for a wife and is now demanding that God make me his wife. But my God is too much of a gentleman to make me do anything. He gave me free will and he promised never to overrule it, so what is this guy trying to do here? It’s as if he believes somehow that he knows better than God what is right for him and what is right for me.
On one hand he is praying about it, which is a good thing. I wholeheartedly agree with the idea of letting God help you to find a spouse; it’s a big decision so it makes sense to allow a big God to make it. On the other hand there is praying for a spouse and then there is preying for a spouse and there is a very thin line between the two.
I’ll define the latter; it is the act of picking a specific person and telling God that this is the person who you want and then subsequently attempting to “convince” said person that they were created by God for specifically for you. The act of convincing is characteristically blunt, bold, overwhelming, chauvinistic, pervasive, obsessive, invasive, uncomfortable and unfair therefore putting said person in a bad situation: the proverbial rock and hard place.
It happens all the time, men who have all the best intentions, who intend in to live a godly life and marry a godly wife begin to pray for that wife. When they find that God’s answer is not instantaneous they fall into this mindset where they think “If God won’t do it, I’ll just have to do it myself.” And with all the determination in the world they hunt down a godly woman as if their lives depend on it. And somewhere in all the passion and the determination they begin to convince themselves that God has ordained this relationship and that it is the right thing and that’s just not what’s going on.
My advice is simple: Let go & let God. Don’t think you can do this on your own, this whole finding love thing, because you can’t. Chances are you’ll pick the wrong person based on the wrong reasons. Human beings are prone to mistakes; we are imperfect. But luckily we have a perfect God looking out for us and all we really have to do is to ask Him, to let Him do what He does best because God will never overrule our will.
If we decide to kick God out of our relationships, He will stand back out of respect and love for us. All you really should do is pray and then wait on the Lord. I guess we can take my personal experience as an example. This guy overstepped his boundaries and decided to take his love life and mine into his own hands and the result will most likely be heartbreak.
So maybe I’m writing this as a way to redeem myself. I feel like I’m breaking his heart, although I know it's not entirely my fault and I never intended to do that. So hopefully someone somewhere will read this and listen to my advice and therefore avoid heartbreak. God loves us; He doesn’t want to see us hurt and that’s why He is offering to guide us through this major decision. All we need to do is wait on him and I know that can be hard at times. We get tired of waiting, anxious, frustrated, we start feeling weak as if we are just a second a way from falling into temptation “but those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
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Comments (212)
Dang, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable.
I think you have a very good handle on God and relationships, and I learned a bit from you, thanks!
Praying you one day find love, not obsession, and that the preying will end.
I think that if God was a part of this, you would feel peaceful around him, and you two would have a very strong connection.
wow what a weird guy, good luck dealing with that one.
I think that if you are in a youth group, several things have to happen first. You have to concentrate on your grades and graduation. You have to then concentrate on College, career and then a house. Your friend has to put these things first.
I bought a house and even though we had a home inspection, there are things known as common repair and it is a big expense and unless you've saved for years or earn a lot of money, you can go broke. Going broke is never fun but when the other person vows to God they will take care of you, they have to have their house in order because they have to be able to afford health care, clothes for baby and all of that good stuff and you always can't if the other is broke. Good intentions are not enough.
What is love? If you've never considered yourself more than friends and he feels love then what is that? It sounds more like he has a desire to be loved.
The word "charity" in 1 Corinthians 13 is translated "love" and verse five says that love doesn't seek its own.
It sounds like your friend is young and lonely and when we are that young, it is easy not to know the best things for our lives. I'm not the same person when I was 16, 18, 24, 26, or 32 because I have changed.
If God told the boy that you were the one then it is only Biblical that God will tell you too because that is in the Bible so when you can clearly see beyond a shadow of a doubt then you will know. Until then, don't let him tell you that God told him. God has to tell you (Acts 11:13) and it doesn't sound like God has told you.
I wouldn't encourage him but who does he love more? Challenge him to see whom he loves more. I would only want someone who loves Jesus more than me.
1Cr 7:32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
1Cr 7:33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife.
Until both of you have been married, you don't know what marriage is like. There is a book called Marriage Myths but I found this online:
http://marriage.about.com/cs/myths/a/marmyths.htm
Any fool who thinks he knows what God wants for the two of you is masking his base desires with holier-than-thou speak. Drop him.
There are times when a sledge hammer is a percission instrument. This is one of them.
Use the sledge hammer to break his heart. I mean smash it to pieces. Since you are only an object of desire to this freak you must illustrate for him, clearly and unquestionably, your humanity.
Once he understands that you are not an object, but a human being, he will leave you alone.
I think you need to tell him to back off and that he is making you uncomfortable. Then if he doesn't then I think he needs to be removed from his position as a youth leader. It seems inappropriate for a youth leader to be seeking a relationship with someone in the youth group so maybe he should be removed from that position anyway. If none of that can happen then you may need to find another youth group somewhere because I would imagine that this is going to impact your ability to connect to God with this current youth group.
thanks. I needed to read this... mainly the part about Let Go, Let God. thank you.
I hope it works out and God bless
@LoBornlite@xanga - Isn't it what guys do best? Chasing women? Why hurt him for being who he is?
Why break his heart when you can say "I can't", "sorry" or "you're not the one".
I've definitely seen this happen before. And, naturally, the girl turned him down. Unfortunately, he wouldn't let it go, even after she was ENGAGED and actually got married to her new husband. He still insisted that God told him he was supposed to marry her, so he'll wait.
Ugh.
Without knowing more, my first instinct is to agree with @mrcolorful@xanga 's comments re: that this is inappropriate behavior for a youth leader.
I feel like I’m breaking his heart...
You should not feel guilty for avoiding this relationship and being cautious. It seems you are indeed being preyed upon and smothered. Like @LoBornlite@xanga said it does seem like he's treating you like an object...anyone who truly loves and cares for you would never, never do that. Though God has promised to help us and protect us, you also need to be wise and discerning, and to do what you need to to protect yourself and guard your soul.
@naphtali_deer@xanga - They're kids and they're young. Any event should be shaperoned.
It doesn't mean she is being "preyed upon" because the boy is smothering her. Anyone should be careful but it could mean he feels deficiencies in his life because he is lonely and if you were falling, wouldn't you try to hold on to someone or something? Does that automatically make us bad or do we just do wrong things like pull other people down?
The other thing is that her parents should be the "go between" in this. The guy should be going to her parents and the parents should be shielding her by saying "yes" or "no".
I think the boy should get a warning from the information that I have seen but where is it wrong or unethical to tell someone their feelings? I think that further advice crosses bounderies because her parents should be giving her advice and not us because the author is probably a minor.
He's your youth leader.
And that's kind of disturbing. I mean, man. How old are you and he exactly?
Just tell him the truth. Seriously.
@Sosthenes - Isn't it what guys do best? Chasing women? Why hurt him for being who he is?
Real men are polite and tender because they understand the nature of woman's sweetness. Real men are also real human beings who understand that woman is also a human being.
"No."
Said with conviction.
@LoBornlite@xanga - And is that the excuse to hurt people?
@Sosthenes - And is that the excuse to hurt people?
If the intent is to hurt, then no excuse is needed.
But in this case the intent is to protect one's precious self from a mentally deranged bastard.
The first step is getting his attention. Saying, "No," like the sledge hammer is simple in its eloquence.
The mentally deranged bastard is bringing pain upon himself by being out of order. Blaming woman for smashing a rapists balls is also out of order.
well you heard, let not Gods love become an obsession for lust.
@LoBornlite@xanga - I think saying "Sorry", "no" or "I can't" is enough and if that wasn't clear then I would say "Get it out of your heard, please."
Men have feelings to and they have different feelings about what a relationship should be just like there are women who say that they wouldn't take a guy seriously unless the guy curled her toes. You can say that the boy exhibits scary behavior because he is obsessive but obsessive about what? Obsessive could very well mean that he would try harder than a slob who would take her for granted and make her feel unloved. Now the slob sounds safe to me.
but let us not also fall into anger over a common malady such as desires of the flesh, lest we also bring upon ourselves the same shame, but rather learn from it, in peace
@Sosthenes - You can say that the boy exhibits scary behavior because he is obsessive but obsessive about what?
Children who have been abused by their parents become adults who have great difficulty in understanding boundaries.
This inability to understand boundaries makes it almost impossible to have functioning, healthy relationships.
The story told in this blog entry describes a very disturbed man who never learned how to have healthy relationships. It is not the duty of the woman to give a psychology lesson as this will be useless.
The man will not listen. He is dealing with an object, after all. Objects exist for self gratification. The woman would do well to end the relationship and cease all activity that puts her in proximity to the man. For her presense only inflames his misbegotten passion.
Wow...it must be intimidating and stressful at the same time. Although the truth may be harsh, I don't think God made YOU to pair up with HIM. Such an idea would be conceited of him, and I'd say it would be a good choice for you to back off of this one. Good luck with that and please take care =D
i don't know... i say not to overspiritualize something this simple... if you see character, depth, integrity, Christ-likeness... the only thing holding you back is your pre-concieved notion of him... and that's more your pride than anything else...
Scripture basically tells us that there is nothing wrong with a guy in pursuit of a girl... in fact, isn't that how it's supposed to be if he's to be a man... and in many stories in Scripture... if a guy sees character, depth of spiritual ideals, and if he knows that she has a name, there's nothing wrong him saying he wants her... and if he's attracted, he'll go for it...
the way you destroy him is you overspiritualize, over-analyze, and overthink this... this is where Sovereign leeway exists... and I don't think God cares who you're with just so long as he/she meets the qualifications of Scripture... and is on a path to Christ-likeness...
Even the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.
I agree with the whole "let go and let God" thing though.
Maybe you should pray for him instead to stop being so obsessive lol
good luck!
@LoBornlite@xanga - "Obsessive" or "Go Getter"? He went through his parents as a "go between". Parents set boundaries and by the poster clearly stating that, the parents keep the child in check. So just because his behavior exhibits "obsessiveness" doesn't mean it is criminal obsessiveness because the young man went through checks and balances.
I've been dumped because I was poor and what that does is make people feel less attractive or less valuable even though I commute and work long hours. I've been dumped by people who were selfish and stuck up. I've been dumped by opportunists. What do you do as a guy? You compete and you try harder. Does that mean we cross the line? No. Does that mean that men are all criminals? No. It is her job to tell the boy "no" and if it is a lack of understanding then she should gently say "there is a boundary here and you shall not cross". He is going to try until she sends a clear signal and if she doesn't want to hurt his feelings then she may be unclear.