Sunday, 08 March 2009

  • Pastor Wanted: Biblical Men Need Not Apply



    I intend to write a blog on the unrealistic expectations churches often have for their clergy. There are a lot of points I want to address, but I thought I'd just post a funny, but sadly true lead-in to the topic.

    When I was on a pastoral search committee, I remember an article comparing Jesus with the ideal pastoral candidate. I couldn't find it, but I did see this!  Hope it gives you a chuckle and also inspires you to write an encouraging note to your favorite clergy member.

    The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.

    Adam
    Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

    Noah
    Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

    Abraham
    Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

    Joseph
    A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

    Moses
    A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

    David
    The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

    Solomon
    Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

    Elijah
    Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

    Elisha
    Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

    Hosea
    A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

    Deborah
    Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

    Jeremiah
    Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

    Isaiah
    On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

    Jonah
    Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

    Amos
    Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

    Melchizedek
    Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

    John
    Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

    Peter
    Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

    Paul
    Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

    James & John
    Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

    Timothy
    Too young!

    Methuselah
    Too old . . . WAY too old!

    Jesus
    Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

    Judas
    His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

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Comments (21)

  • pansybradshaw@xanga

    awesum post
  • Stephanie_J_B@xanga

    Wow....this just goes to show that no one is perfect! Well, except Jesus, of course, but even He wasn't always popular with the people! Great post, very well put together.
  • Nous_Apeiron@xanga

    You had me on the lollercoaster there.  Thanks.
  • A_Sweet_Fragrance@xanga

    This is way too funny - until you read the last one.

  • FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga

    A good preacher, rabbi, scholar, etc. isn't always the most popular.
  • itsaverb@xanga

    Haha.  It is funny to realize that God can (and HAS) used anyone for his work.  Sure gives me hope.  :)
  • jupiter312@xanga

    Good post, and everyone should take to heart that we're NOT expected to be perfect.
  • deepestrecesses

    lol wow, yeah. basically
  • Pass_the_Aura@xanga

    When you think about it, it's terribly ironic that when God came to earth in human form, people complained that He wasn't religious enough.
  • ThepersonwithoutC@xanga

    Pretty sweet.
  • ehrinn_l@xanga


    this is an actual ad that has been running recently. it cracks me up, cos, obviously, a guy who is in the ministry is BOUND to be MOST of these things...


     ...Church is seeking a man, who is called by God, to


    minister to students and their families through the local church.This man’s ministry should emphasize glorifying Christ, the sufficiency and authority of Scripture, biblical evangelism, relational discipleship and ministry to families.


    actually, i thought that i'd really rather minister to EVERYONE in the church, thereby stressing myself out, and minister to the global church. i'm NOT gonna emphaise Christ's glory. nope, not gonna do it. scripture is sufficient? really? i wanna evangelize UN Biblically...and do discipleship the way that everyone else does...Sunday School, baby, not gonna get to know ANYBODY!!!  and families? who needs em???


    it's funny that we hold people to SUCH high standards in the ministry...even higher than most of the church memebers hold themselves. then, when we look in a "real world" way at the great men of scripture, they measure up....to be normal...just like most of us.


     
  • Amyseen@xanga

    Whew. Heavy thoughts. So true.
  • sparkletone1684@xanga

    I agree that there is a great expectation put on pastors. They are, of course, accountable to God on a greater scale because they are shepherding people's souls... and if it is done with a wrong spirit, they will be in BIG trouble with God. However, they are still people, and they do make mistakes. Power, like money, will only magnify who you really are. If you're a rotten, malicious person, this will only be personified if you're put in a position of authority. However, if you're a good person, even if you make a few mistakes (much like David), God will see this too. It's also not easy to constantly maintain your cool in front of so many! I was thinking about this last night randomly, and pastors, in a way, are kind of like celebrities. They are constantly in the public eye (which can lead to scrutiny), people ALWAYS want to get a piece of their time, and they have more at stake if they mess up... and people will talk bad about you if you do.

    they need a break sometimes... and while you can get this rest in the Lord if you're constantly seeking him (which, as a pastor, one SHOULD be doing on behalf of the people as well as for their own sanity), why is it that the people never send their pastors on vacations? That is such a sin to not send those that serve so much away to relax!

    (let me stop right now. don't let me preach up in here...)
  • compelling_purpose@xanga

    Lol  does God prefer cracked pots? We look at the appearance but He looks at the heart.
  • Shy___Away@xanga

    Hehe. While this has legitimate humor, this reminds me of my biggest issue with the church and it's handling of the Bible.

    So many churches act as if the Bible is a static, irrefutable text. It's not! It's fairly open for interpretation. As you showed in your post, the interpretations sermons give of these men are quite different than how the Bible actually portrayed them. However, because people decided long ago what the important messages were to be taken from the stories, we miss all the cracked edges and the broken sins through the messages.
    If the church can misinterpret (or simply only interpret one way) things such as these, what else have they fed us that can be taken more than one way?
  • FancyFrenchHorn@xanga

    Haha, this is very funny but insightful as well. As someone getting ready to go to seminary in a year or so it makes for a very interesting read!
  • Bible_lover_Bill

    I believe that most of the Christian pastors were not called by God to be pastors, because most pastors don't do what is indicated below in Ephesians 4: 11-16 by properly teaching the Bible (especially the New Testament).  I think the Brethren church way of not having a pastor is better.  Too many Christians rely too much on their pastors or TV/conference/seminar preachers for telling them what is proper living instead of becoming modern day Bereans in studying the Bible for deciding about how to change their own thinking and doing to be more Christ-like.  Someone said that only 2% or 3 % of the Christian churches do most of the work needed for helping the pastor and the Great Commission.

    Ephesians 4:11-16
    11    And He [Jesus Christ] gave some Apostles; and some, Prophets;  and some, evangelists; and some pastors and teachers;

    12   for the perfecting of the saints

    for the work of the ministry,  

    for the edifying of the body of Christ

    13  till we all come in the unity of the faith

    and of the knowledge of The Son Of God

    unto a perfect man, 

    unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ

    14   that we henceforth be no more
    children, tossed to and fro,
    and carried about with every wind of doctrine,
    by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness,
    whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

    15    but speaking the truth in love,
    may grow up into Him in all things
    Who is The Head, even Christ:

    16    from Whom the whole body fitly joined together
    and compacted by that which every joint supplieth,
    according to the effectual working in the measure of every part,
    maketh increase of the body
    unto the edifying of itself in love.

  • Sosthenes

    I feel the above post is "emergent" because we should want responsible Christians for our churches and not bumbling Christians like this post suggests we should have or be.  Just because some made mistakes doesn't mean that this is normal like the Brian Maclarens would want us to have.
  • aN_amAYzInG_storrII@xanga

    that was funny. haha.
  • anonymous

    What struck me, is that we aren't really doing what we should be doing (following His voice) if we don't look somewhat suspect. Are we trying to please men? Or be real with a real God? I don't look right on paper either, but I look beautiful to my Jesus. And, He uses those who don't look great in the eyes of the world.


    This is actually very sad to me. I had a dream about spiritual abortion. When we use our physical eyes to "allow" people to minister, we are doing just that. It's an assault on the Lord Himself.


    Hopefully you can make sense of this....
  • wakingmemories@xanga

    I guess God always uses the weak to show the strong what He can do. He takes our weaknesses and makes it His strength. Sometimes having sparkling references and credentials doesn't make for a great clergy. At times, it's the lifestyle of the person themselves that shows their leadership potential, something no resume can show.

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