I am a little nervous about sharing my experiences with an eating disorder here. I am just going to scratch the surface today, because I'm not sure where this discussion will lead.
The majority of my struggle was back in high school, and I know that my case was not as severe as some. For some time, on the surface, it probably didn't seem like I had an eating disorder. It started somewhat inadvertently, after being depressed over my first real break-up. I was a little overweight anyway (though not much), so when my friends started noticing me lose a little bit of weight, I thought, "hey, this is cool!" and just kept eating less and less.
I used to take my food to my room and throw most of it away. I over-exercised and exercised more if I got hungry. Because I got so much attention, I began to believe that I had to stay skinny for people to like me at all, and I hated them for making me feel like I needed to be thin. It is interesting because later on I learned that those people had no idea I felt that way. But it is also sad to me in a way, to think I was mainly surrounded by "christians", and still received more attention the more attractive I was. Maybe that is another post...
The thing that I do not think most people understand about an eating disorder is the mental side of it. At least in my case, it was not very obvious that I was starving myself, nor was I so extremely skinny that I needed to be admitted to a hospital or anything. I think it is a combination of malnutrition and allowing thoughts of weight and food to so control my life that my issues were mostly mental. I hated everyone and everything, I was absolutely depressed and miserable, and could not stop craving this disease that I had created.
I would hesitate to say that someone never quite gets over an eating disorder, because that is sort of like saying someone is always an alcoholic if they have ever been addicted to it once in their life. But I would definitely say the repercussions of those actions and addictions often stick with a person and can be awoken easily at times of weakness. For those who have recovered and experienced Christ's healing in their lives, I think it is good to be aware of those weaknesses and flee any temptation of falling into it again, but we also need to not be so aware that we forget the work of Christ in our lives and hold on to how He has changed us.
It wasn't people repeatedly telling me to get over it or that I am beautiful that helped me recover. I don't think we can truly help someone until we are willing to share in their suffering and realize how real their feelings are to them there in that moment. A person's reality is real to them no matter what is true. We can tell someone the truth all we like, but until it awakens inside of them, it will never become real. I am fortunate, I think, because I 'recovered' from my eating disorder somewhat quickly. I had to realize for myself what I was really doing to my body, and when I finally had the courage to share it with my brother, he cried with me through it. I would proceed to struggle with thoughts and occasionally relapse for the next several years, but the hardest part of my struggle ended that night on my brother's bedroom floor.
It was love that helped me heal.
Have you known or do you know anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder?
Comments (14)
I wish I could have loved as much as your brother loved. There was a girl I was in love with, whom I would've gone to the grave for, who confessed to me that she struggled with an eating disorder. I had no idea what to do, and I didn't understand the mental aspect of it, you're right. I tried my best to console her and remind her that the lie of ugliness infesting her mind was straight from a demon, and that her glory and beauty came solely from God, as an inheritance from Christ. Try as I may, though... she didn't get it. I always have regretted that I wasn't as loving as I ought to have been--or loving the "right" way, anyhow.
On a side note, I'm really sick of the romanticizing of this thing--of people making it into a person that they talk to, who give it a voice that talks to them, giving it names, and acting like it's a person who is degrading them, and willfully accepting and embracing it, like it's a disease that will always have a hold over them, and they can't do anything about it. It depresses me now to know that this is how she must have felt...
My sister suffered from Bulemia but she credits her friends with helping her defeat it. We realize of course that one is never "cured" of Bulemia, that it is much like addictions, as you said, and there is always the risk of relapse if one is not vigilent. One is most often a "recovering Bulemic/Anorexic" instead of an "ex-Bulemic/Anorexic."
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is horrible that there is still little awareness compared to the prevalence of eating disorders.
@oordzofrur@xanga - "I'm really sick of the romanticizing of this thing--of people making it into a person that they talk to, who give it a voice that talks to them, giving it names, and acting like it's a person who is degrading them, and willfully accepting and embracing it, like it's a disease that will always have a hold over them, and they can't do anything about it."
Unless you have struggled with mental illness you cannot fully understand the hold that it does have over you. Your brain is literally broken: either shooting off electrical misfires or making too much/little chemicals. It is difficult (to impossible) to execute correct decisions when your brain isn't able to function on even some of the most basic levels.
It is often terrifying for the individual to feel that loss of control over their own mind so they often reach for whatever they feel they can control (food) or whatever they think can make the terror go away (drugs, alcohol, suicide). This is why we see a high prevalence of substance abuse exist alongside mental illness.
The best thing you can do for a friend suffering from mental illness is to get them professional help (and of course love them, which almost goes without saying). These are dangerous illnesses that you cannot fix yourself.
one of my best friends passed away from an eating disorder. it is still hard and it hurts. it was something her family and i could not change for her and it got worse and worse. i just pray for others like her that they will be able to overcome what she couldn't. and that they will see their beauty and find a peace in Jesus who loves them.
This is a touchy topic, kudos to you for talking about it. I struggle with anorexia, not because I think that I'm fat, but more of because it's something I can control and gather some sense of accomplishment with it... I struggle with wanting and letting myself eat, I'm doing better, and some days I do eat well. But there are times when I fall back into the rut of eating only one meal a day, or next to nothing but juice. It's kind of hard to explain, but I became weight conscious while going through some majorly stressful ordeals and it suddenly became a game of where I felt some sense of control by seeing the numbers go lower on the scale, it gave me a sense of having some sort of a say in my life, while everything else seemed to have been overriding me at the time.
Thank you so much for posting this. It's definitely a touchy subject, as the previous commenter stated, especially--ironically enough--among people in the church.
I have struggled with an eating disorder off and on for far too long, definitely since my junior year of high school (I'm 22 now), and I can count on one hand the number of friends (female friends) I have who do not have similar struggles. Like you, I was never so sick that I "looked" anorexic--if anything, what I struggle with would be classified as EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). But the mental aspect of it is very, very real.
And as for what's helped me recover, such as I have recovered, I would agree with you that it's love. The love of my family and friends, but more importantly, the love of a God Who never gives up on me.
Beautiful post...
Good luck in your journey.
I'm in the same boat as you. I don't believe I've had a full on eating disorder but I did wrestle with image and being under a certain weight.
I am a very rational person and eating disorders did not make a lot of sense to me, but that did not stop the other part of me from being over conscious about my body image and from making mistakes in my diet and exercise.
I feel as though I'm still on the road to recovery ... I just don't know when it will hit again but when it does I try to remember that I am made in Christ's image and while I need to be healthy I also need to stop worry about how much I weigh
Thanks for sharing your story!
According many researches had indicate that Exercise will make eating disorders get worse. Therefore, if you have eating disorder you need to see psychiatrist
I'm in high school now and I struggle with anorexia and bulimia. It's a battle I deal with every moment...and to be so close to God on top of it. It's a constant battle. Please pray for me! (or message me if you have any suggestions for me)
@oordzofrur@xanga -
I have struggled from an eating disorder for seven years. The only reason those with eating disorders give our disease a name is because it helps give us something to get mad at besides ourselves. It allows us to separate our eating disorder from the person we really are. You get so wrapped up in your eating disorder that it is really hard to draw the line between where you start and where you eating disorder begins.I really appreciated your post.
Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. I've struggled with anorexic tendencies ... it's not something I would like to go back too.
I think the worst part of it IS the mental part of it. It still hangs around sometimes. Right now, I eat healthy and am exercising moderately; however, many negative/depressive thoughts hang around and sometimes it's hard to shake them. But overall, I know that everyone who deals with this is able to get beyond it.
I'm glad you're beyond this illness.
Blessings.
I dont have an eating disorder. But every few days or so, I would feel depressed taht I wouldn't want to eat, maybe only once a day. But I'm not skinny, so I wouldn't call it an eating disorder.