Tuesday, 17 February 2009

  • Advice: Sex Before Marriage - Should I Stay in the Relationship?

    lily by mrs lily

    Kay asks:

    I had sex before marriage. Do I stay with the guy and try to work things out or get out of the relationship hoping that with the next person I can wait till marriage and that they'll still want me?

    Mrs. Lily answers:

    The wording of your question concerns me a bit there at the end. It sounds as though you believe you have to give in in this area for someone to want you at all. If you are feeling that you need to have sex in order for someone to love you, I think you need to find out that you are worth more than your body.

    On the other hand,  if you feel pressured by someone to have sex in order to keep that relationship, it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to begin with. There is more to love than sex, and if you feel that someone only wants you because of how you can please them, I would question if the person you are with really loves you.

    I do not think it would be right for me to say whether or not you should stay with the guy, especially because I don't know you or the details of your situation. I have seen beautiful marriages come out of a mistake like this, but I've also seen people walk away from their convictions because they did it once, why not do it again? You can't change what happened, so try not to focus too much on your mistakes. If this guy is willing to work through this with you, I would suggest you seek counsel together and possibly work toward marriage. If he is not, perhaps you need to find someone to talk to yourself and as cheesy as it sounds, find out who you are before getting into another relationship.

    What advice do you have to offer Kay?

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Comments (46)

  • misswonderj@xanga

    Uhh since when was sex just for getting someone to like you? Did you ever stop to think that she WANTED to have sex? Not all relationships become intimate before marriage and then go to shit. You can have a healthy relationship either way.
  • Pickwick12@xanga

    Good advice, Mrs. Lily

    I would add that even if you decide to stay in the relationship, the two of you need some time apart because your relationship is being messed up by lust; you need to deal with that before you commit any further to each other. You also need to put safeguards in place so that you are never alone together and have accountability. You ,may think "it won't happen again" but that is much easier said than done.

    Also, the fact that you've had sex does not mean that God is done with you or that someone else won't want to marry you. Someone who truly loves the Lord will forgive your mistakes as you forgive theirs.
  • zubes5806@xanga

    there must be other reasons that make you suggest the option of trying to "get out of the relationship"  before we know those reasons, i don't think anyone can really give good advice.
  • DA_iLLEST_DOMiNiCANitA@xanga

    i did my true love waits vow


    but guys doesnt it seem like impossible to find someone who hasnt had a million partners who has the same morals as you... and who can fall in love for you.. not ur body or lust or whatever...
    if i dont find sum1 that matches those criteria i will just not marryi wont settle for less
  • ChrisRusso@xanga

    I'm with mrslily on this one--not enough data.  The advice Kay needs depends on what her partner is willing to do and what his attitudes are.
  • FifteenMinuteRule@xanga

    Mrs Lilly, I believe you has misunderstood her question.
    I think she's saying, at the end, "will someone still want me even though I've been with someone else"
    Perhaps she's trying to say: "should I stay with this guy since I've 'given myself to him' or should I leave because it was wrong? and if I leave, will I find someone who will be ok with me not being a virgin"

    There's not enough info, for sure. I wouldn't leave a relationship because I 'messed up' and gave into my physical desires. That can't be a sole reason for leaving.

  • stalkdebbie@xanga

    i agree with fifteenminuterule
  • Shy___Away@xanga

    You should be staying with somebody if the relationship is healthy. Personally, I believe sexual health is just as important as emotional and spiritual, but I realize that being on revelife, many people will disagree with that.
    If a man is worth anything, he is not going to demand your virginity from you. That's boorish, rude, and indicative of a personality you probably don't want to be paired for life with.
    Just because sex is involved does not condemn the relationship. Outside of Christian circles (i.e. outside of sexual guilt) sex in relationships is a great, intimate, bonding thing. I would advise not leaving the guy just because you had sex with him. If there are other problems, then yeah. You should probably leave. But if it's only guilt, then that is something you can deal with together, and overcome it.
  • too_pretty_to_die@xanga

    frankly, it sounds like you aren't mature enough to handle sex in a relationship. 
  • Laiza@xanga

    Just from another perspective:


    Do you regret the sex?


    If somebody does not want to marry you because you happened to have sex with someone else, he is not worth marrying.


    To me it seems bizarre to break off an otherwise good relationship just because you had sex. I go with Shy_Away on this one: if the relationship is bad, break it off. If it's not, don't. It's not just about the sex.

  • harmonyminusmelody@xanga

    @DA_iLLEST_DOMiNiCANitA@xanga - you gotta know where to look. thankfully, but after about 7 girlfriends, i finally found the one and she happened to have the same exact beliefs with me, if not stronger than i do, about no premarital sex. it's not just religious either; i can attribute our abstinence to paranoia too! haha.

    trust me, you just gotta know where to look. for me, it was pure happenstance that the prettiest girl i saw and dated had some good morals. that's the way it always seems to work out, though.

  • KasumiCelesta@xanga

    I think the sex itself shouldn't be a reason to break up or make up. There isn't enough information given about the relationship to determine what the best thing to do would be. But it's good to look at the reason why you decided to have pre-marital sex. Were you pressured to do so or was it just a slip of morals? After you figure that out, then look at the relationship in its entirety. Are there any other problems aside from the sex?

    If you decide that the relationship won't work, don't stay in it! And what do you mean by "hoping they'll still want me"? Are you hoping the next person will accept you even if you're not a virgin, or are you hoping the next person will accept that you want to wait? Either way, should you decide to leave your current relationship, the next person to come along that really cares for you will accept you for who you are. Don't feel that you have to conform to suit someone else's desires.
  • AngelBeast777@xanga

    As one who has given himself to the Most High God, I heard all the teachings about chastity and heartily agreed with them.  I also asked Him for a wife that was not a virgin because I was not and I didn't want the guilt of taking something from her I couldn't give.  Now I look back and think that that shouldn't have been an issue.

    We also fell madly in bed before we married, and, though it was physically enjoyed, it had its spiritual and emotional ramifications.  The thought was now planted in each of our heads that if we couldn't maintain sexual purity before marriage, how could we be sure we could maintain it during marriage?

    By our Father's grace that was kept minimalized and we had a wonderful 16+ years together before she went Home.

    Mistakes of varying degrees will happen in relationships.  The question is will both of you take those mistakes to the Father for His instructions on how to handle them, then obey those instructions?  Remember, a marriage is between three people - without our God it won't be one tenth of what it is meant to be.
  • thegirlwiththecamera@xanga

    Would you be staying with the guys just because you had sex with him, and you believe that you need to stay with only him? Or would you be staying because that's what makes you happy, and you want to be with him? But on the other hand - would you just be leaving because you feel that you messed up that relationship?

    As far as whether or not someone will still want you. If someone isn't willing to look past that, and see you for who you really are and accept what has happened and move on, then they are not worth the time or effort. I'm sure there is someone out there who is right for you, who, like I said, will love you for you, regardless of the fact that you've had sex with another man.
  • deepestrecesses

    hmmm...
    From many of the comments on this network it sounds like no one is addressing the fact that sex is sacred. 

    My suggestion is simple; first address the situation in perspective with God. I'm sure she already has but repentence is the first step in the healing process.
    Then she needs to be talking to this partner- if he is a Christian then there should be repentance on his part as well.  This will be accompanied by a desire to mend the situation.  If these two people are Christians then things will go a lot smoother.

    If both do not share the same morals then, like Paul says in 1 Cor. you are not bound to stay with the person UNLESS that person is willing to stay with you.

    In either case, sex (until they get married) needs to stop between the two.

  • anonymous

     Really now? Sex isn't the only reason to break off anything with someone else. Jeez come on people there is nothing wrong with premarital sex as long as you're responsible for your actions and careful at the same time. Premarital sex can increase the love and passion of a still developing relationship.
  • Stereoblind@xanga

    Jesus' own advice comes to mind when he encountered the woman "of many pre-marital relationships".

    He simply said, "go and sin no more".

    If you sincerely believe, as we are taught, that premarital sex is a sin. Then stop.

    Choosing to stay with someone you've sinned with?

    Adam and Eve stayed together and things worked out nicely for the rest of us. :)

    But if your relationship is based on when and how much sex you have, then thank God you found out now and not after you married.

    Doing the right thing may not seem easy, but the only way we can even be tempted is to have a small desire to sin that is greater than our willingness to follow God's plan instead.

    Falling into sin is forgivable. Not being willing to give up sin, that's our choice. And not a choice without consequences. Make a choice FOR God's plan? Reap the rewards. Make a choice that denies God's plan? Reap the consequences.

    Either way God will hear you and help you. Let Him work out the relationship. You focus on doing the right thing. Can't lose that way. :)
  • IXOYE_AD@xanga

    I agree with MrsLily!
  • dollar4doggie@xanga

    I agree with stereoblind:

    Falling into sin is forgivable. Not being
    willing to give up sin, that's our choice. And not a choice without
    consequences. Make a choice FOR God's plan? Reap the rewards. Make a
    choice that denies God's plan? Reap the consequences.

    If she did fall into sin with him, but they are willing to give up that sin to work things out...then she should stay with him...but if she wants to stop sinning and he doesn't want to stop...then there would be a problem.
  • monster_mac@xanga

    I totally agree with Mrs. Lily's advice concerning whether you should or shouldn't stay with this guy. But I have some advice for you if you decide to leave him. As a man, I have something to confess: we're pretty shallow, even Christian men. Our depth perception doesn't really get past the skin level without some work. I recognize that both men and women long for physical intimacy, but with guys it is much more visual. If you want to find a guy who really loves you for you (and make sure its not just for your body), tell them upfront that you don't want to have sex outside of marriage, and stick to that ideal. If a man is willing to wait for physical intimacy, he most likely genuinely loves you. Most men (unfortunately) won't wait for that. God bless. He loves you,
    Mike
  • OsuwarInuyasha@xanga

    @deepestrecesses - I agree!

    If they do marry after wards, there is the the guilt(from unforgivneness) and that can fizzle out the passion in the marriage (towards sex). I know quite a few people that this has happened to, not to mention marital problems afterward(regarding sex).

    Premarital sex destroys relationships. The lie is that it bonds and makes the relationship stronger... its believed by many, but its sexual immorality... which we should all flee from. Many premarital relationships start to end when sex is brought to the table. Its self gratification, just plain selfish.

    Sex is sacred. Sex is serious. Sex is a grave responsiblity.

    Love is: doing what's best for the other person.

    I would reccomend reading "Sex, Love and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram.
  • musicmom60@xanga

    I agree with so many here.  No, you should NOT stay with  person just because you happened to fall into sex with him, or because he was the first and you're afraid no one else will want you - unless you truly love this person, and vice versa, and you want to spend the rest of your lives together.  Do you know that now?  It doesn't seem like you're sure about that.  There's nothing worse than "settling" for someone because you feel stuck or trapped in a certain situation.  Yes, Jesus said "Go and sin no more..." and if you follow his advice, then your falling into sin is forgiveable and you are made pure again by his blood.  Anyone who is spiritually worth his salt, in the future, should love you for YOU, and should recognize that we ALL fall short of the glory of God.  No sin is too great for Jesus to wipe clean.
  • His_maidservant@xanga

    There is no hard and fast rule for this.  It would be so much easier if there were an absolute, but since there isn't, it's best for you to answer some questions for yourself.

    Is the young man you were with ready to be married?  Are you?
    Think about financial aspects, maturity, etc.

    Are you both Christians?
    What do your parents think? 

    Is he offering to marry you?
    Has he told you what he plans to do?

    The best thing to do is just give the situation some time.

    If you were to decide together -- as should be the case -- to pursue marriage, you'll have to be sure that you keep yourselves accountable, and always have trustworthy people around you.  Talk with those who love you and are competent to counsel you.  Remember that counsel starts with listening. Any counselor who doesn't listen cannot give good counsel --- likewise if you leave out parts of the story, they will not be able to give you apt advice.

    You can work this out, by faith in Him, obeying His Word, and patience in prayer.  Remember - there is no absolute in regard to this, as the Scripture gives room for a father's refusal. 

    And very importantly, are you pregnant?  If so, I would say that you have your answer.... and it's time to buy a dress for yourself.
  • drbuehler

    I think you should stay true to your values.  I am a sex therapist, and I live in the vicinity of Saddleback Church, so I see many Christian couples.  If you have already had intercourse, you have compromised your values, and now you have experienced one of the consequences, which is confusion.  If you believe that sex is sacred and needs to occur within marriage, then you need to either see if marriage is possible with this partner, or, if not, then choose to be celibate in future relationships.  Just because you have already become sexually active doesn't mean that you can't make choices about your sexuality in the future.

    Dr. Stephanie Buehler

    http://www.theblogerotic.com 
  • sassypants_18@xanga

    I like how it was said that there is more to love than sex! It is so true!!! I hate how people sometimes base their relationships on how good the sex was!  I am not married and had sex, and though I wanted to wait, I am happy that this did not destroy our relationship. In fact, it made it stronger! We were able to talk more to each other about our wants ( now this is not just about sex......) and what we want to do with our future!  I lost it with him on th first day of summer last year (08) and we are still together, in fact he wants to spend the rest of his life with me!
    My point is, just because you had sex before marraige (mistake or not) does not mean that it is the end of your relationship! If you still have feelings for the guy, go for it! If he still wants to have sex with you before your married, but you don't want to then, you need to talk to him. If he persists then you should deside what would be best for what YOU want in the relationship and let him know. Sometimes things dont work out and sometimes the reason is so that the next best thing can come around.   
    Dont toss away the relationship if you dont have to.

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