Thursday, 22 January 2009
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Deciding Whether to Spank My Children
Guest post by jmallory
I grew up with the mindset, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." My dad raised me this way. If I did something bad, I got paddled by his hands or his belt. When I was living in Arizona, if I did something wrong around my grandparents, my grandpa would paddle me with his belt and my grandma would make me cut a switch off the tree in the back yard. And the switch always hurt the worst because it was nice and flimsy.
I've always been one to back up "spanking" because I know I was spanked when I was a kid and I turned out fine. But as of late, I've been thinking about spanking and living a nonviolent lifestyle. When I have kids of my own one day, I want to teach them nonviolence and nonviolent methods to live their lives and handle altercations and disagreements. I am starting to think that spanking would violate these principles and turn me into a huge hypocrite.
I know there are some Bible verses in the Old Testament that support spanking. All of which, I believe, are in Proverbs. But I also believe that the New Testament is clear when it comes to teaching nonviolence. So I think I am starting to believe that spanking may not be good for a child. I've also been to church services where the pastor would teach about raising children, condoning spanking, of course if the child is bad. But these pastors always said that when you do, never use your hand because you don't want your child to associate that hand that is supposed to hold and love the child, with pain. I don't know though... it still doesn't seem right.
What are your thoughts on spanking?
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- From: jmallory@xanga
- Name: Jimmy
- Location: Dayton, Ohio, United States
- About Me: Jesus is alive and working in me. I'm just trying to manifest his glory.
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Comments (353)
My sister and brother-in-law don't spank their kids, and they seem to be turning out decent enough.
And I'm a firm believer in spanking only with a hand, because I feel like anything else can get a little too close to child abuse for my comfort. But I have no children yet, so I don't have to worry about it.
I was spanked as a child, and I turned out just fine. My parents only spanked us with a hand, and only on the behind. It wasn't a daily occurance either, it was what happened when time-outs and privileges being taken away didn't work.
"But as of late, I've been thinking about spanking and living a nonviolent lifestyle."
Whoa, what? Violence? I was spanked with hands, paddles, belts, whatever when I was a kid. I'm just fine! And I love my folks! No emotional scars or anything. I'm not violent -- never been in a fight. How did spanking get associated with violence?
@desertrose2890@xanga - I was spanked and am pretty sure I don't have emotional scars. At least not from being spanked. I don't actually remember what I did to get spanked, anyway. Although I do remember my parents threatening to spank me to get me to stop doing whatever I was doing... But still, no emotional scars.
...well, except that whole spanking fetish thing. That I don't have.
@gabrielpeter@xanga - Well, really, it is violence. It's kinda subdued, but... "2. rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment"
I'd say spanking someone could count as at least "rough" and slightly "injurious", and it is physical action/force.
I am in favor of it. I believe that if it's done right, from a very young age (before the age of 3) then very little hurt is necessary. All it takes for a very young child is a little smack. Because my parents raised me that way, I hardly even remember getting spanked because by the time I was old enough to remember, I hardly needed it any more. If it is done right, spanking is very comforting a child and reassures them that the parent cares.
I think hands are can actually be a good thing to use. Spanking should be an act of love, so there's no discrepancy. As a child, I felt that from my parents.
I do not believe spanking is violence. God tells us that doing it will save our children's souls from Hell. I'm certainly never going to ignore that. God didn't change between the Old and New Testaments.
I think Christian parents often make many mistakes with it, and that's why it gets a bad rap.
1. It should only be done for outright defiance. If a child is just forgetful, spanking is wrong.
2. It shouldn't be cruel. For me, it was more about the pain of disappointing my parents than the actual pain. It hurt, but like I said above, if you start early, it doesn't have to be abusive to get the point across.
3. The parent should show their sadness at doing it. I think it's extremely important that a parent convey their own pain at giving pain to their child. God tells us in His Word that He hates to grieve us, and parents should feel the same way.
4. It should be done calmly and with love, never in anger.
5. It should be explained. The child should know why.
6. It should be followed by (and possibly follow) lots of comfort. I believe the parent should hold the child and comfort him until his tears have completely dried and he's peaceful and obviously feeling safe. If the child is extremely overwrought before the spanking, I believe some comfort can be good then, too.
7. It should be done to correct the heart attitude. I'm not a fan of saying "You're getting ten" and then doing it. The parent should watch and spank until the child is sincerely broken. Again, in young children, this doesn't take long at all.
Biggest reason to do it? God's word says that He does it to each of us. If we remember how gentle He is, it will help us to know how to discipline our own kids. God sometimes has to hurt us, but His arms are always open to comfort us, too.
Sorry for the length. This is my ten cents.
My mom usually spanked me and my brother with a wooden spoon. It was actually quite hilarious. She gave up after a while cause we would just laugh all the time.
Soap works well! My mom used to put the soap in our mouth, tap the bottom of my jaw so my teeth would go into the soap, and then pull it out really fast.
Now THAT sucks!
Yeah, I think you can get charged for spanking your kids now.
Your best bet is to NOT spoil them in the first place!
@Sir_Bissel@xanga - Well if the dictionary is our gauge, I don't see any definition under spanking that associates it with violence.
Your picture trips me out, man. *haha*
I don't know if I support spanking fully or not right now..
with our 16 month old time outs do not work..talking to him does not work.. re-directing is the best thing so far, but that is not always successful either.
I was spanked, and I know I deserved it.
But.... I am on the fence on this issue.
The point of spanking should NOT be to incur a physical beating in the hopes of "teaching the kid a lesson". Rather, it should be used as a gentle reminder to express the parents' disapproval of the child's actions. Physical harm done to a child only instigates fear and eventual hatred. Should you be stern? Yes. Should you be clear in expressing what they did wrong and why? Yes. And above all, should you do it all in love? Yes. But causing ACTUAL physical harm is stupid and unnecessary. Heck, we don't even hit animals when they disobey. We train them to do good by rewarding good behavior, and discourage bad behavior by being patient and practicing good behavior. Hitting (or "spanking") a child usually happens due to the impatience or anger on the part of the parent. And believe me, both the parent and child know it when it happens.
i'm against it. i was spanked as a child, and i still feel uncomfortable around my father to this day. it was only when i realized that i had the right to hit him back as an adult that i was no longer afraid of getting into trouble with him. i would NEVER do that to my children.
any psych 101 student can tell you that negative reinforcement fails every time. it doesn't make the child want to behave or be respectful... just not get in trouble. that's not the kind of mentality i want my children to have. i don't want them to care only about what happens to them.
James!
I understand your question, and I don't know the answer.
The popular argument for spanking is "I turned out just fine". Whoop dee doo. I turned out just fine too, after being emotionally trashed on by my parents, but that doesn't mean that it's ideal.
Spanking your child is ultimately going to be a personal choice, but I don't think that it is the best way to go about disciplining a child. It only really works for children ages 2-5, and since most people are lazy and just tend to fall back on spanking their child until they are reaching 11, 12, 13, the usefulness of it starts to crumble. Spanking is meant as a tool to convey a clear message to children that cannot yet comprehend the message through verbal channels. Seven and eight year olds are capable of understanding when you tell them that throwing a fit at a party was unacceptable. Two year olds are not.
Anyways, using a main argument as "I turned out fine" is retarded, mostly because it isn't even an argument.
I think spanking with other things but the hand get a little too risky. I think more parents needs to spank their kids today. I was spank and there is no emotional scaring. I think that what it becomes abusive is when it's done out of anger. So if parents do spank, they need to make sure they are calm first. I honestly think there would be less brats if more parents disciplined their child.
I WAS SPAKED AS A CHILD AND AS A MOTHER NOW I DO CONDONE SPAKING WHEN THE TIME IS RGHT I WAS SPAKED WITH BELTS HANDS WET TOWELS SWITCHES WHATEVER WAS CLOSEST AT THE TIME AND I TURNED OUT GREAT I AM RESPECTFUL OF MY ELDERS I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO JAIL DONT USE DRUGS OR ANYTHING ALL BECAUSE I KNEW IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG I WOULD GET A BEAT WHEN I GOT HOME TIME OUTS AND ALL THAT NEVER WORKED FOR ME AND I FEEL AS IF NOW A DAYS PARENTS ARE BECOMING FRIENDS WITH THERE KIDS INSTEAD OF PARENTS AND WE WONDER WHY TODAYS KIDS ARE SO DAMN BAD
I was spanked as a child. The worst is having to cut your own switch. For me, I hated being spanked because I knew I deserved it, but when my parents would just say something like "I'm ashamed of the way you behaved" or something similar, it got to me more than having a sore bottom. I think that spanking can be an effective form of discipline. I think time outs can be an effective form of discipline. I think positive reinforcement can be effective too. It depends on the kid and what the respond to. When my daughter is older, If she doesn't respond to spanking, I won't use it. But I don't see spanking as an act of violence or abuse. Unless a child is being abused, people need to mind their own business.
The spankings my children have gotten are very few and far between. I look mean and I talk loud, so it usually just takes a look and a talking to and they get the message. My dad wasnt very nice when it came to discipline and I dont want to be like he was.. but we were respectful and well behaved too. Its rough.
I support spanking.
I think that it should be a last resort though. And I don't see any problems with spanking with your hand either. I think that it's better in fact, because I think its good for your child to associate your hand with love, but also with discipline that comes from a loving hand.
Like, we don't say "God, don't discipline me when I'm wrong, it's unjust!" If you are meant to be an earthly reflection of the Father's heart to your own kids, then I think that discipline, in whatever form, is fine.
That being said, I think there is a difference between, abuse and discipline, and spanking and beating/hitting.
I think the BEST thing to do is to pray. Not all children will respond to the same punishments in the same way. Pray to God about what will convey the message you want to your children in the best, loving way possible.
@Pickwick12@xanga - You got it exactly right. I think people that oppose to spanking must not know enough about spanking properly. And you explained it very well!! But I don't think spanking is the only form of discipline. It all depends upon the child. I do think kids have MUCH more of an attitude & are MUCH more disrespectful in todays world because of a lack of correct discipline.
i did not spank my daughter she is almost 17 and a wonderful kid she never went thru that age of yelling and hitting me because i didnt do it to her i think you should respect and treat your kids the way you want them to treat you yes they do need to be taught but not by yelling and hitting them i did alot of talking with her when she did wrong groundings last 1 or 2 days i dont believe in grounding them for a week or 2 im very proud at the way she turned out she is very loving sweet girl she tells me everything and she is very honest but the most important thing you can do for your kids is to love them never lie to them and have open communication with them and remember kids make mistakes also i was raised by parents that yelled and hit me with whatever was closes to them and today i cant stand them i dont have no relationship with them you dont hit and yell at your kids kids are a gift from God you love them and teach them believe me they grow up so fast enjoy every moment you can with them give them good loving memories of their child hood have a wonderful day
i support it and i think it's defiantly not child abuse. I grew up being spanked and though i hated it back then i now understand why. All of my younger siblings aren't spanked and are Very disrespectful and they don't know discipline. Though that could be because my parents pretend to "not know discipline anymore" too. My parents authority with my younger siblings has shot out the window and now me && my older siblings are now at the point of wishing they would still get spanked! If i decide when i have children to Not spank them i Will defiantly find another way. But more than likely i will use spanking.
Done in love and in moderation, coupled with plenty of thoughtful words and time for reflection, it can be fine. Many have difficulty doing this and it can cause problems. I try to keep it to a minimum, using reason with the older children and leading by example with the younger ones. This is not to say that there isn't a time for it - there is. But it shouldn't be used all the time.
You said yourself that you "turned out fine." Did you ever think your dad or grandparents were hypocrites because they used violence to teach you and then later probably chastised violent behavior? As a child gets older they start to learn the difference. I had an opinion about spanking by the time I was in middle school. I mean, I knew that it was a form of punishment and I personally thought it was an effective one, even before I was a teenager.
I think that spanking is just fine, especially if you talk about it with your kids as they get older. That way they won't bring it up as an attack if you ever have to punish them for being violent. If you talk to them about it and the difference between that and what the Bible says about violent behavior then there is no problem.
Striking your child is an act of violence. You can pretty it all up with whatever silken bows and ribbons you want, but let's call it what it is.
Would you spank your elderly mother if she defied you and you were taking care of her? Of course not! Do you know that there are nursing homes that WILL? How do you feel about that? What is different about an elderly person whose brain function has reverted to that of a child doing something they shouldn't (such as stealing an object from someone in the next room) and a child doing the same thing?
If you WOULD spank your elderly mother, then SHAME ON YOU!
If you are a bible follower, and believe in taking it literally, and the bible says to spare the rod, then one should spare the rod or if the bible says spoil the child, then one should spoil the child. For too many years, people have thought showing a child love was spoiling them. That's just ridiculous. Teaching a child by violence just begets violence. It doesn't teach them to do what is right, it teaches them that if they are going to do it again, they need to be more careful and make sure they don't get caught.
I think the bible is telling us to put the rod away and teach your child with love, not violence. After all, it says "spare the rod, spoil the child" not "If you spare the rod, you will spoil your child."
@Pickwick12@xanga - I totally agree with you. I'm one of the few people who actually think more spanking should be done when the child is young and less and less as they get older.