Tuesday, 20 January 2009

• Stuff Christians Like: Christian Abbreviations

  Guest post by Stuff Christians Like
  

  
  

  
  Recently my father-in-law re-gifted me a 2009 daily organizer that one of his vendors gave him for Christmas. As I flipped through it, I noticed that in addition to the standard organizer pages like calendar, address book, etc., the publisher added three full pages of "Common Text Messages & Chat Room Abbreviations."
  
  The abbreviations on the list are ridiculous and seem to have been put together by someone that has never written a text message in their life. For example, did you know that "AFAICT" is an easy way to say, "As Far As I Can Tell?" Isn't that simple? Just tell your friends, "AFAICT" and they'll know exactly what you mean. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps Christianity needed a similar list. We've done the emoticon thing before but have we really put our heads together and come up with common abbreviations we can all use? Have we developed a good list of Christian acronyms? I think it's time.
  
  Here is a list of real abbreviations from my 2009 organizer and how I think we can adapt them to Christianity;
  
  1. SUITM
  Original Meaning = See You In The Morning
  Christian Meaning = Saw You In The Message
  Usage: Sometimes a sermon isn't for you, it's for your friend. And since that friend wasn't at church, the best way to communicate that the pastor was dropping the elbow of knowledge on an issue they are personally struggling with is to simply text them and say, "SUITM, SUITM my friend."
  
  2. JOOTT
  Original Meaning = Just One Of Those Things
  Christian Meaning = Jesus Once Organized The Temple
  Usage: Everyone knows that if you're a Christian and you get really angry you're supposed to quote the verses about Jesus clearing out the temple. It's a great justification for whatever rage-ahol you're drinking at the moment. (Yay Simpsons reference.) And now you can feel even better about being mad over a text message by typing, "JOOTT!" I personally think it's kind of a fun thing to yell in conversations too. "Why are you so upset right now?" "Don't judge me. JOOTT! Don't forget, JOOTT!"
  
  3. WOTAM
  Original Meaning = Waste Of Time And Money
  Christian Meaning = Worship Organs Today Are Missing
  Usage: You're old school. You like a little hymn, a little choir in robes and above all a little worship organ action. So if you go to a new church and they're way too contemporary for you and your wife says, "How did you like service?" Just reply, "WOTAM baby, WOTAM."
  
  4. MWBRL
  Original Meaning = More Will Be Revealed Later
  Christian Meaning = Missions Will Blossom Radical Love
  Usage: You go on a mission trip. You fall in love. You need a quick text message to explain to your friends how this is different from all the other times you've fallen in love on a mission trip. So you text them, "MWBRL, that's all I'm saying, MWBRL."
  
  5. MIHAP
  Original Meaning = May I Have Your Attention Please
  Christian Meaning = May I Have Applesauce Please
  Usage: What you ask in Sunday School and Vacation Bible School when it's snack time. They’re still going to give you goldfish and perhaps some bootleg cookies that kind of look like Oreos but are in fact, not Oreos. But at least this way you've been polite and brief in your quest for applesauce.
  
  6. SMEM
  Original Meaning = Send Me E-Mail
  Christian Meaning = Someone Mentioned E Maybe?
  Usage: What to say when you're starting a new church and are trying to come up with a name. Throw an unexpected "e" on the end of it and you're good to go. Lifepointe. Crosspointe. Truthpointe. It works on a lot of words.
  
  7. DQMOT
  Original Meaning = Don't Quote Me On This
  Christian Meaning = Don't Quickly Move Our Toddler
  Usage: What you can say when your toddler gets older and it's time for them to move to another Sunday School class. It's a lot faster than "Oh no, we just got her used to this class. She really likes these teachers and is no longer doing the screamo cry fest at the doorway when we drop her off." Just say, "DQMOT, please. DQMOT."
  
  8. OWTTE
  Original Meaning = Or Words To That Effect
  Christian Meaning = Our Worship Takes Three Eagles
  Usage: What you can tell your friends and coworkers when you attend the church I am going to open. We'll have three worship eagles. Bottom line. I've said it before and I'll say it again, when people tell me they want to change the world the first thing I tell them is, "You're going to need some trained eagles because although we love doves and the lion and the lamb thing, nothing is going to unite a church like the beauty and terror of a worship eagle that might sweep down upon you with feathered fury if you don't give to the offering or forget your Bible." This is why a lot of churches ask me to consult. Not really.
  
  9. OTTOMH
  Original Meaning = Off The Top Of My Head
  Christian Meaning = One Time This Orangutan Mauled Hank
  Usage: OK, this one is kind of a niche phrase. I admit, you won't get to use it often. But if you ever go on a mission trip or a retreat or simply have an orangutan outreach program during church service and one of those orangutans mauls someone and that someone happens to be named Hank, you are going to be so happy that you read this post and can immediately text all your friends, "OTTOMH! OTTOMH!"
  
  What a time saver this list is going to be. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with all the extra free time I'll have now that I can yell out "JOOTT" in the church parking lot as I sit in traffic trying to get home. But surely I missed a few.
  
  What abbreviations would you add to this list?
  

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