Saturday, 17 January 2009
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Friendship is as Sacred as Marriage
by miss hibiscus
As a single Christian woman of a "certain age," one of the most frequently asked questions I get these days is:
"So... are you seeing anyone?"
Unfortunately, this is not asked by single, gorgeous, rich, Jesus-loving men. This is coming from friends and family I haven't talked to in a while, usually at weddings, showers, birthday parties, etc. I don't mind fielding this question - it's normal to be curious about this. And I'm not embarrassed to say that I am, in fact, not seeing anyone.
But it always makes me wonder why we prioritize dating and marriage so highly, especially in Christian culture. Don't get me wrong - marriage is wonderful. God created it, blessed it, and I look forward to getting married someday. But God also created community and families, yet fewer people ask me which church I go to now or if I've made friends there (to which I would jubilantly respond, "I'm a member of Princeton Alliance Church and I've made amazing friends there!").
Last summer, this dude who used to go to PAC visited our small group and offered some great insight into singleness and marriage in the church. He is married with kids, but I feel like he totally got the "plight" of the single person in a church full of married people. We talked about the hoopla over weddings these days - the ceremony, reception, and the many, many witnesses in attendance - and I asked why Christian friendship was not given the same attention. He explained that for the first Christians, friendship actually was regarded very highly. Back then, it was dangerous to admit you were a Christian, so to be baptized in the faith and become part of the Christian community was a huge deal. It took loads of preparation, assurance and commitment in one's heart before making the decision public through a baptism ceremony - much like how we treat marriage today.
I don't expect Christians to revert back to the mindset of the early Christians in this regard, nor do I really want them to. Marriage is sacred and should be treated as such (and I'm not opposed to some hoopla and fanfare at my wedding). But in my own life, I want to appreciate friendship as an equally sacred and blessed thing; not just as a substitute until I get married, but as its own entity. In my experiences, true Christian friendship and sisterhood has proved to require incredible amounts of honesty, trust, love, communication and vulnerability. I dare say, at times it has required just as much as a marriage requires, and that sounds about right to me.
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About the Author
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- From: misshibiscus
- Name: h
- About Me: Where I'm from: NJ. Where I've lived: NYC, UK, Korea. Where I worship: Princeton Alliance Church. What I love: travel, films. What I do: eat, breathe, sleep, laugh, cry, question, solve.
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Comments (31)
I complete agree with your post. Great entry!. :)
I think you should expect Christians to revert back to the ways of the early church, at least in some regards. This is one. The American Christian church views marriage as normative, and not only is that wrong, and unscriptural, but in many ways it betrays the ethos of the gospel.
Baptism is initiation into God's family, and breaks down the walls of race, of nationality, of religion, of blood. It creates a new creation, as Paul put it.
Today, it's just the opposite.
Good post.
this is a very insightful look into friendship. When I was single it really grated on me to have people ask if I was seeing anyone.... it was a very sore subject because so MANY people asked! My grandmother at one point started making comments about where she was in her life at my age (married with two kids and another coming....helpful comments, nana).
I dont think people recognize that friendships are so important. They think of marriage as the be all and end all, when it isnt. even married couples need friends and church families!
WHile people do mean well I think they sometimes miss the point.
most definitely! i just started college and i met so many awesome people in my fellowship and i thank God every time i'm with them. even though i've only been with them for a semester, just the way everybody's connecting through God is just awesome and i'm really happy. =)
and all that hoopla about marriage, without friendships, how can you have relationships?
-henry
What I especially like about your post is knowing that without good friendships, many marriages don't succeed! You need the support system of solid friendships that keep us accountable and grounded so that we are healthy enough to take on the challenges of melding our lives with another person to create a new family (even if there are no kids - which is an entirely 'nother issue).
Great post! Bless ya
cm
Jesus was never rich
but instead when Satan asked him
Mathew 4:9-11
can i can give you money and fame such and such
Jesus refused
w00t! Great post :)
I don't think marriage and friendship are equal. I think marriage IS friendship and then extends even further. Like a spouse is a friend+1. A deluxe friend. Premium. I dunno...there's just something the opposite gender adds to a marriage that can't be fulfilled by a friend. Otherwise, why would people get married?
I agree with @newguy153@xanga... because though friends are deeply important and I love mine very much, it doesn't mean that I don't still long for the singular, irreplaceable relationship that only a loving marriage can bring.
Still, though, I think the modern church focuses on families to such a degree that single people are left out. :/ I sure wouldn't argue that point.
Great post.
As a single "ex-heathen" Christian, I do feel left out in church at times. I don't go to church with family, I go alone. When I'm there, instead of feeling like I've walked into my family in Christ, the couples sticking together and family fanfare and lifelong friend cliques make me feel like I should have stayed home. This is not to say that my church is bad or that the people are exclusive. It just seems that way more importance have been placed on normal romantic and kinship ties than the Christian bonds between followers.
To be honest, it puts me off marriage. I don't want to marry and end up self-absorbed in church. Me, my hubby, my family, mine mine mine!
@newguy153@xanga - Procreation and the raising of children. Justin (the Martyr) once wrote “Either we marry for the sole purpose of bring up children, or else we renounce marriage altogether and remain continent" in his first Apology.
I have a good friend Dave Lay, in ancient cultures friendship was considered higher than eros or sexual love between lovers.
I wish I knew both friendship love and sexual love and jesus love more?
I have been asking myself ,what is love?
Do we see it in a church setting? Do we see it in a family or relationship setting?
We sit in a pew but are we living the life
There are some churches which profess love but feel like a graveyard, the reason I am bringing in church is that if I ever marry someone . I not only marry them but there friends and family!
Some churches profess they are your friends but do not care it is almost like you pay money through tithing for entertainment.
The hebrew word yada means to know, this is always associated with love in the bible!
A conversation cannot be one way, at a party we were commenting at little people had to say, we live in a world of one way streaming communication say through tv, sometimes I am desperate for a real conversation.
I remember my best friend was this man called jim about seventy we would listen to the bible together and christian music and talk about each others lives, People do not want to do that anymore it makes me so sad!
My Grandad was another good friend, we would talk about cooking and he would always come on my level because he was always interested.
When I run away he checked every pub to find me in Portugal!
I find it less harder to find girls who want to listen? I find most communication is either about the news or the films people watch!
Unfortunately, this is not asked by single, gorgeous, rich, Jesus-loving men.
In the bible it says love rejoices in the truth with Hollywood creating illusions of say the perfect man.
In Pilgrims Progress there are two people one of them called Passion and one called Patience.
Passion wants his best things now and Patience want them in the future.
Passion got his riches quickly but they quickly turned to rags!
Patience got his best things last and they lasted eternally.
In the bible it says where your treasure is there your heart will be also!, It also says if a man does not work he does not eat in Thess!
Are your views of men governed by Hollywood or the Bible?
I have been hearing this from so many guys recently they would like a wife but in an age where jobs are going down the drain and unemployment is high.
Is it best to be realistic rather than flying on flights of fancy!
I agree a man has a duty to provide a house, food and everything a wife needs.
This is one of the first proposals of marriage by the first missionary from America
"I have now to ask, whether you can consent to part with your daughter
early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can
consent to her departure, and her subjection to the hardships and
sufferings of a missionary life; whether you can consent to her
exposure to the dangers of the ocean; to the fatal influence of the
southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to
degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death. Can you
consent to all this, for the sake of him who left his heavenly home,
and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal
souls, for the sake of Zion, and the glory of God? Can you consent to
all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory,
with the crown of righteousness, brightened with the acclamations of
praise which shall redound to her Savior from heathens saved, through
her means, from eternal woe and despair?"
Do we love Jesus to forsake this world, he gave up eternal comfort in heaven to die on the cross for us! In Romans it talks about while we were yet sinners christ died for us! He did not love us in our beauty but in our rebellion. Anyone can love someone who is beautiful but to love someone say who has no beauty in Jesus it talks about him having no beauty so that we could desire him in a wordly sense, Jesus loves the things that do not deserve love.
It breaks my heart that people have fallen for the american dream and missed the cross.
Keith Green talks about the Israelites how they desired meat in the wilderness, they got there desire and judgement aswell!
I wish you well in finding your desired mate of your chosing and may the lords face shine upon you
DOm
@TheGreatBout@xanga - I think marriage was meant to be so much more than procreation and raising children. Not that these are small or unimportant tasks (far from it), but that we're missing out if that's all we're in it for.
i like this post...
@SirNickDon@xanga - Well put. I wonder how many of our Christian brothers and sisters who consider marriage normative have made the observation that the Gospels never tell of Christ getting married, but they do tell of him having friends whom he loved dearly.
@newguy153@xanga - Cool. I was just answering your question with church history.
within marriage, two persons become one. where one goes, the other one goes. it's for life. Friendship has no such kind of commitment. It's scary to think of relying until old age on just friends. Will they still be there?
You know, if you ever do want to get married, you have to see people first. There's like no choice about that anymore nowadays, unless you set yourself up as a mail order bride or something.
marriage, like any friendship, is only as solid of a commitment as both people are willing to make it. there's nothing inherently more stable about a marriage. in my opinion, it's just a friendship plus sexual attraction.
I agree. For some reason, our culture things there's something wrong if you're single, when really, single-ness is something I think God looks highly upon, as we are able to focus solely on Him and His purpose in our life, ya know?
And I also agree that Christian relationships are just as tough. To truly hold each other accountable (something else our culture lacks in) and encourage one another in our walks in Christ is tough.
Valentine's Day is coming up. It's not a good time for singles.
I like your post. I agree that we should put high regard on friendship. It's funny how people could simply just throw friendships away and find a new replacement for old friends. True friendship, I believe friendship is like marriage, and must have a common foundation. For us Christians, God must be in the center of our friendships. :)
amen,sister...
with a unique perspective - (you'd have to read some of my left-bar links to really get it)
i'm a single/married man--
divorce 10 yrs ago --living faithful to one wife -
not a lot of understanding for that in any group - usually just a 'get overitalready...
I totally agree with you. Unfortunately in my last relationship (I'm 21 and she was 18) I felt a lot of pressure to get married when we weren't married. It feels good just to be able to focus on God right now, and good fellowship. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love girls, and it's great being in a relationship, but I am fine just being a good friend right now. Being a friend is very undervalued. I also think that too many relationships start off way too serious and don't build up to it. I wanna go slow the next time around.
If you aren't friends first your marriage won't make it. There are too many pressures in today's world. Being able to talk to your husband or wife like you would talk to your friends can strengthen your bonds.