Friday, 16 January 2009
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If She Were a Little More Attractive, I Might Date/Marry Her
Guest blog by icicle84 as originally posted on Lovelyish"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." - Proverbs 31:30.
Not many other verses in the Bible induce as much groaning and agonizing for young Christian men than this verse.
Sure beauty is physical; "attraction" is important, we say, which frees us up to pursue a relationship based initially on nothing other than a physical "mild" lust, if you will. "Dude, she's hot."
Sure, I'm guilty. If I saw a face like this, and she was "attainable," I'd probably ask her out on the spot (guys, I might accuse your eyes of being in backward, if you didn't say the same).
But what happens when we have a relationship (could be a friendship, could just be an acquaintance) who is probably sub-par in the looks department, but with whom we get along very well? Someone who (gasp) has a likeable personality, and someone with whom we don't mind spending a decent amount of time (playing cards, goofing off, whatever)?
Well, speaking from personal experience, sometimes the thought process is "Gee, if she were a little more attractive, I might date her/marry her."
Dude. How shallow can we be? I joke about wanting to date Carrie Underwood. I don't know if she shares any of my convictions, interests, has a "compatible" personality ... anything!
I've developed crushes on unattainable people ... not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but come on. How many great potential friends and matches am I missing out on simply because I wait for an "Oh, she's gorgeous, reading a Bible, there's no ring, and she looked at me!" moment?
Question for all you guys out there who have developed celeb crushes or held back on getting to know someone because you feared getting emotionally involved with someone whose appearance wasn't exactly what you were looking for.
Anybody ever consider crushing on perhaps one of the most caring, loving women in recent history?
Who of you would take a free lunch hour and spend it with this lady (were she still with us)?
Mother Teresa or Drew Barrymore?
I have a feeling most of us guys would pick Drew Barrymore in a heartbeat.
"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."
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About the Author
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- From: icicle84@xanga
- Name: icicle84
- About Me: I'm. A. Guy. Know it. Love it. I've had many a Xangan comment me after some comment gave my gender away and say "oh, wow. I didn't know you were a guy!" I am. I'm a Christian. I'm conservative. I believe abortion is wrong. I believe George Bush got a bum rap. I don't believe Barack Obama will save America. That said, I absolutely despise Ann Coulter, and I'm not Rush Limbaugh's biggest fan. Respect my right to my opinions, I will respect your right to yours. I'm a very sympathetic person - not a stereotypical "guy." Perhaps that contributes to my problem. But if people expanded their thinking about what makes a man, perhaps people would be less surprised to find out that I am one. In that vein, Mancouch is possibly the shallowest "ish" site out there. That's not real men. I take some pictures, as you can see. I like Christian and country music. I like to read GOOD Christian suspense (and there's plenty of not-very-good Christian suspense out there). I have a job
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Comments (54)
Well I personally can't - and won't - deny my basic instincts for the best suitable human to mate with. My body wants to create the best little tykes possible, and so it looks for my best match. Good looks mean good genes, and that's what I want for my babies. But then, looks don't really matter for me because another girl couldn't get me pregnant! XD
But really, we're attracted to attractive people because of that survival of the fittest deal. If someone has weak genes, they're more susceptible to illness and disease, whereas someone with strong genes is much less likely to come down with something (not saying it would never happen, I'm just saying that good genes are usually linked to a good immune system and yaddah yaddah yah).
Also! Could you honestly have sex for the rest of your life with someone you didn't find attractive?
Certainly I am guilty of being shallow (probably more often than I'd like to admit), but there is something to be said about physical beauty.
To me, the attractiveness of a girl is indicative of her caring for physical health. I want a mate who takes good care of herself and will be around for my life.
I believe marriage is a one-shot deal. You get one choice and if you get divorced, you don't get to try again (that's in the Bible). So I think that it's defensible to look for someone who "has it all" including physical attractiveness.
But hey, what do I know, I'm single :)
Hmm, very good post.
I feel like pointing this out, though. I don't think I'd want to be pursued by a guy who doesn't find me attractive. I believe physical attraction can develop through the course of a relationship, so I definitely think it's worth giving a shot to someone who isn't Mr. or Miss America; you might grow to find them attractive. However, if the attraction never developed on his side, that would be total deal-breaker for me. I need to be the most beautiful in my man's eyes, even if both of us objectively realize that there lots of "hotter" women out there.
I want to point this out, too: Guys, if you're only willing to date a girl who looks like a movie star, you better not expect girls to date you unless you're movie-star quality, too. Why should you get to be that picky and expect girls not to be?
I honestly don't believe God would ask you to marry a person who you were totally NOT attracted to. Most women can do something to look good, only a few are left with NO choice. Either lose weight, add a bit of make-up, wear a shiny smile, work on your teeth, pluck those hair, dye them, tan, or something!! lol
I have known people who appeared unattractive at first glace and as I got to know them better they were so beautiful in character that they actually looked beautiful.....character shines forth!!
I did not answer your question (I am not a guy) but I wanted to comment anyway!!
This is a very good point, and one that I think a lot of men (and heck, women too) should heed, but it is important to remember that attraction is an important part of a romantic relationship, even a godly romantic relationship. It's part of how we were created, to love the physical aspects of a person in addition to the intellectual and spiritual. It's part of that whole "sex is a gift" thing as well.
I think the problem arises when the physical is the first and only thing people look to, or as you noted, the thing that makes all the difference. If you put my boyfriend in a lineup with a bunch of other men, he would probably not be judged as the most attractive, but I think he is - for all of him, his mind and his looks included. If I didn't find him attractive, he would just be a good friend, not the man I'm in love with. But you are right, I wish people were less hung up on the physical!
I think we can and should find our partners physically attractive. They might not even be considered overly attractive to the general public, but when you're in love I think you're blinded a little (in a good way of course) and will find that person to be incredibly attractive. Obviously that's not the only trait we should look for, but it's usually what draws us to people. I don't see how an intimate relationship could work if one person didn't find their partner to be sexually attractive.
You know what really makes a person attractive? Getting to know them. How many times have you thought someone was so-so but then spent time with them and their beautiful personality took over. It's common. Very. For the reason that looks aren't everything. Especially when we pick and choose what physical attributes we want in someone else. God has MUCH bigger plans and they don't revolve around our silly fantasies of things we think we want. He knows who suits us in a deeper way.
Shallow? Maybe that's the way God designed men.....
Oh, the conviction! Gah! *grabs heart and writhes on the floor*
@kissthewake@xanga - i totally agree that attractiveness goes beyond physicality and what society tells us to see as attractive. There simply has to be a balance. any good relationship is based on two people being both physically and i guess emotionally attracted to each other.
@bakersdozen2@xanga - i dont think that God designed men to be shallow... women can be just as shallow - and sometimes even more than men.
i agree with many of the other comments about how someones attractiveness can change as you get to know them.... as much as i hate the movie Shallow Hall (for other reasons i wont go into here) it had a very true message as far as seeing what a person is like on the inside....
beauty is in the eye of the beholder - so very true! what one person may find totally hot, another may not!
People of all shapes, sizes, and ugliness get married, have kids and enjoy life.
Maybe it's the elite, beautiful people (who think they are so special) who don't think love is possible for anyone but them.
I think I'm a pretty beautiful woman, but have had men find out what I look like via internet and then just kind of brush me off. That hurts. I'm not going to change and dealing with men/people like that just really makes me more determined to stay as I am. I love myself, it's his problem if he doesn't like me!
Oh my, I was being somewhat facetious. My only point is that God did design us to appreciate beauty. And yes, it is in the eye of the beholder. ~ But at the same time; most people agree that Angelina Jolie is a gorgeous woman and that a freshly blooming flower is beautiful and a dead one is not so much.
I very much agree that an initial appreciation of physical beauty can be quickly killed by inward ugliness.
So, I guess my original point was that God has expressed Himself in nature with beautiful things and it's not shallow to notice it. God wants us to. :)
@gabrielpeter@xanga - That's hilarious.
mild lust" i've heard it all now.
Ok I know that I should not really worry about being atracve but you have no idea how many men have desided to go out with this other girl instead of me when I was in high school. Though there was also those, like my husband that thought that they never had a chance to be with me. Though after talking with him about why other guys did this to me I found out that it was not because I wasen't attractive it was because I was a good girl. So for all you girls out there that have had this hapen to you, please know that it is not because you are unatractive. Now this does not mean that you need to be a bad girl eather, the right guy will come along one day, and you will feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, at least close to that.
@Over_my_coffee_cup@xanga - What a good response!! I agree...and I am a guy...albeit not a young guy
When there's lots of choice...I've found comparing the choices feature by feature is not helpful (I'm not offended if you don't agree....conventional wisdom says to analyze the data to get to the best decision). But consider this...as I've begun to feel my own heart I realize that its looking 'inside' is where I've found the best answers. By that I mean, assessing my own feelings...do I feel happy, warm, sad, hurt, shame, grief, joy? In order to feel...it necessarily means I have to allow myself to feel pain sometimes...and many (all?) of us learned that's a bad thing.
So I learned to shut down my feelings for protection, but guess what, if I don't feel then the only alternative is to use 'safe' models for decisions, ie what everybody else is doing, like dating that girl with super model looks. "Duh, its a no brainer for me to date her. Dude, just LOOK at her!! Why wouldn't I date her?" Because I don't feel love in my heart for her...she's only the 'safe' bet, but unfortunately safe bets are never safe. Weird paradox!
Does that sound as though I'm unhinged from 'reality?' Honestly sometimes I feel that way, but following one's heart is very counter-cultural...and I'm discovering I like it!!
I think people throw the term "shallow" on the table far too much. I wouldn't marry someone I didn't want to have sex with. I am sexually attracted to a certain type of people. I have a wide range but just because I wouldn't date someone with a great personality based on the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to them doesn't make me shallow. There's nothing unbiblical about that.
Last time I checked, Song of Solomon would indicate that the groom was pretty hot for his bride to be in a physical way.
Also, I'd hangout with Mother Theresa over Drew Barrymore any day. What will I ask Drew? "Hey, you were E.T. and talk funny, ....how is that?" Forget that.
Aw, but Mother Teresa was so old. >.>
That's not fair! That's like asking us girls Edward Norton or Steve Martin! Not exactly, but looks and age are totally different!
When I first met my now husband I had pretty much no attraction to him on any level, but time passed and I came to find him irresistible.
God does work in mysterious ways!
Good post...The flesh is weak and it is hard to resist those things the flesh want.
But to answer your question....I would not pick either of them because I desire a person I can actually connect. I would not date a girl just because she is a Christian/Saved. I desire so much more than just that. Not that my list is long by standard but just that I have certain criteria that is just on shakable.
I'm not so sure one should have a purely one-sided issue with this...
I'm pretty sure you're not gonna date/court/marry someone you're not attracted to... let's face it... God made us individually unique to something that is compelling to another... for instance... for me... Drew Barrymore isn't quite who I'd have picked for said pic... i would have said Jessica Alba or Megan Fox... but here's the deal... Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting... and a woman who honors the Lord SHOULD be praised... but look at the context of that verse and where it stands...
God to a certain extent allows for the flesh to enjoy the physical beauty of a woman (guys are visual so it's harder on us)... like... it's not fleshly if I enjoy my wife (if/when she comes)... it's not fleshly for me lust after my wife... I BETTER NOT LUST AFTER ANOTHER WOMAN... but my wife, God deems it perfect alright to enjoy, take pleasure in, delight in, desire... and women who are married ARE to do the same...
Attraction is in the eye of the beholder... as is beauty in the eye of the beholder...
the standard for ANY relationship is if he/she is a Christian who's walking with Jesus... other than that... let God lead, be yourself, stay healthy, and obey Jesus....
I said this when this was posted on another site and I'll say it here, too: It's time we quit beating ourselves up because we don't want to date people we don't find physically attractive. Columnist Amy Alkon put it brilliantly: "There's a name for people with great personalities who we don't find physically attractive: it's called friends."
That doesn't mean you need to pick someone who all your friends think is "hot." You pick someone who YOU find attractive in every way: personality, convictions, and, yes, looks.
Personally, if a guy doesn't honestly find me physically attractive as well as like my personality, I would rather he didn't waste my time. I want to be with someone who is attracted to me, not someone who is trying to prove to himself how "unshallow" he is.
Physical attraction is, like any attraction, an important part of any relationship. It could be quite shallow if you valued physical attraction over all other qualities, but wanting to be with someone you are physically attracted to is just a basic human need and desire.