Friday, 09 January 2009
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When a Child Dies...
Dealing with a death of a loved one is hard, no matter what their relationship is to you or how old they are; but there's something about the death of a child that somehow makes the world seem more ugly and God seem like a big, mean bully. The holidays is usually the time when we are most reminded of those who are no longer with us, and because of that, I've had my little sister on my mind quite a bit over the past few weeks. In 2004, my youngest sister died when she was just fourteen years old. She was diagnosed with liver disease four years prior to that, so our family was pretty used to the continous flow of doctor visits and trips out of town to the hospital for days or sometimes weeks at a time. Her last hospital visit had her there for two months straight and she was put on the list for a liver transplant. In spite of that, it never really occurred to me that she was sick enough to die; so of course, when it happened, we were all shocked.
I remember after the funeral, my mom wanted us to attend a special support group for families who had lost children. My other sister and brother were still minors, so it was a requirement for them; I was in my early twenties, so I had a choice but I resisted doing it because I wanted to handle my grief in my own way, plus, I was still in denial.
However, I finally did go and when I did, what I witnessed was very disheartening. There was an overall group session, but then you split into smaller groups by age and/or relationship to the deceased. There was not a group for my age, so I went with my mother--and I heard stories of parents who were still trying to come to terms with the deaths of children who had been dead for a significant amount of time. Some revealed that they had left their child's room "as is" and hadn't gone in it for years and others said that they hadn't been able to put their child's picture up. Later, my sister told me that some of the kids in her group felt a slight sense of bitterness and resentment because their parents had almost ceased to function in the aftermath of their siblings' death and as a result, they felt that they didn't care about them anymore.
I remember feeling very apprehensive about it all, because I didn't want my family to pretend that my sister never existed and I didn't want us to turn on each other afterwards--but I still related to the pain that those other families felt.
Our family is very blessed, even though Crissy isn't here anymore. We still miss her, but we've been able to go on with our lives and we have a close relationship with each other. There was a period when we put all of her stuff away, but slowly we have been able to bring things out; I have pictures up at my apartment and my mom lets my nieces play with her old toys. Last year we established a scholarship foundation in her memory and plan to expand the program in the years to come.
Inevitably, somebody will ask the question: How can God allow a child to die? Quite frankly, I don't have the answer to that I probably never will. I admit that my sister and I went through a period of apathy for God and anything related to Him--I rarely went to church and she didn't really pray anymore. Probably the only person who's faith wasn't affected by the death was my mom, and it was very remarkable to see her stay strong and be there for us. The only thing I can tell you is that my sister was in a lot of pain and now she isn't and that we still believe in God and His love for us. Maybe some things aren't meant to be understood--who knows.
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About the Author
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- From: misssunflower
- Name: Miss
- About Me: I have been a Texas girl all of my life, although I have not always lived in the same city. I am currently working on my master's degree and upon completion will move on to law school. I have wanted to be an attorney since I was fourteen years old; this could be blamed on my involvement with the debate team, Ally McBeal or my fascination with being right.
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Comments (41)
It's odd to think of death when you are alive and sometimes the memory of a loss pulls more into its depths than the death itself.
You understand what you will, I think -- and nothing that you won't.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. There are many things I still don't understand, but I know the one who does. I can only cling to him in times of trouble.
I like to think that God just wants the child to be happy and considering with your situation, she was in pain with having to go to the doctor all the time and what not. Now, she's in a better place where she won't hurt, doesn't need to go to the doctor and can be happy.
Now I understand their are other cases, but it's just the way of life and even though we might not understand it just yet or maybe ever, we have to remember that God just wants the best for us and well it just was their time to go. It hurts, but that's life.
So sorry, :(! Such a touching post!
Here is how I try to make sense of it. I hear people say all the time when a situation happens as such as your's sister..."God needed them more!" or "They are up in heaven looking down on us!" I DON'T buy either of those or those philosophies associated to those..I realize that while my mind cannot understand the WHY of these situations, at least in your sister's case I honestly know and believe He healed your sister. I'm sure your family prayed much for healing of her. While death, while I'm sure it's not the preferred choice of healing, it is healing of the pain/the body as disease cannot live without oxygen/life..She will not suffer in that body down her anymore!
And what a faith-filled mom you must have. You should tell her what you told us here..."and it was very remarkable to see her stay strong and be there for us." Maybe enough time has passed now that she might just really need to hear that from you. I'm sure that would make her day about now...knowing she stayed Christ-like through the sad ordeal, :) and was what kept ya'll together as Christ kept her together, :)
May you always find comfort in God as related to your sister, :)
Cheryl
This is amazing that you posted this today.
My friend died on Wednesday. She was 16. Young, healthy, beautiful and vibrent. She was texting and driving, also speeding. she hit a tree on the drivers side, the impact had her careening to the other side of the street where another tree was hit. Every bone in her beautiful face was broken, no one recognized her. Her friends, family, and church family gathered at the hospital where she had a mangled, broken body, no brain activity, and collapsed lunges. She felt no pain, because she was in coma from the initial impact. Morgan Hooper was pronounced dead at 935 eastern time.
She left behind a mother, father, older brother, 2 best friends, a greiving school, and church. She will be missed.
It really shows us we never know when God is going to call us home. We neeed to live each day to the fullest, and to tell those you love that you love them. Live life. Spread Gods word.
This had nothing really to do with your post. It just reminded me of this. Thank you for posting.
God is temporarily allowing the natural circumstances of life to happen that result from the sinful world we have chosen to be rebellious in. If God intervened to stop your sister's death, he would also need to stop every other death and nobody would die. The harder question to understand is why God chooses some situations in life to intervene in. We will have better understanding of these things when we're in heaven.
My sister died at 16 in 07 and her room is still somewhat the same. It's in the basement, she was the youngest (last) daughter at home. Holiday's are hard, but as you said with a family and close relationships we somehow gather all that and go on. The hardest part was watching my 18 yr old brother who was "very" close to my sister cope with her death. He still struggles, but I've seen him come a long way. My mother clings to God's grace and without that my parents would not have had the strength for us siblings.
I am sorry about your loss, little sisters are very precious!!
i am sorry for your self.
Only God Knows Why...
@OoHiTsKaItLyN@xanga - Oh hi, Kaitlyn.
I was just about to tell this exact same story.
All I can say really is...Pray for them..and for anything, thank God for taking them to his side and not live in this cruel world.
I'm sorry you and your family had to go through this. It must have been awful. :(
Over the past 3 years I lost two grandparents, then my father last April (he was only 52, I was 19). It was hard, but you sort of start to think things will only look up.
Then came one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. An old boyfriend of mine of whom I stayed very close to, was expecting him to come live with us any time now, and was pretty much back together with again (it had been life paths that broke us up to begin with, not by choice)...passed away on the 21st of December. He was only 25, had a huge family with lots of siblings, and a son. I can't even begin to comprehend what it must have been like for his family, but I know it devistated me. It was so sudden, and under very sad circumstances. There had even been some question of suicide, although it appears to have been more of an accidental overdose. Nonetheless, I know how depressed and alone he was feeling the last year or so, and it breaks my heart that I couldn't have helped to stop this.
To be truthful, I've never hit a low like this before in my short life. We had so many plans, and with all that's gone wrong the last few years of my life it was the first real hope and excitement I saw ahead of me. I loved him so much, and he was my best friend.
I'm so thankful for God, though. I honestly couldn't have made it through the last couple weeks without Him. It was only after I asked Him to carry me through this, completely giving up my own efforts, that I was able to function and eat again. Although I wanted to be angry with Him at times, I knew He had good reasons to let this happen. It's just so frustrating when we can't see the reasons ourselves, and have to sit with blind faith in a world without the person you lost.
Thanks for sharing. :) It's nice knowing one isn't alone.
@walkintotheseaaa@xanga - Hi catheine! i beat you. =) love youuuu see you at the funeral. wear purple!
it is pretty horrifying, seeing how people are affected by lost of a loved one especially while they are still so young. the reality is that it happens everyday whether it be a disease, car accident, murder or drug related. it truly is not fair to see people go so young. all the things they will miss and never experience. despite thinking that "it isnt fair" or "they were to young" think of how many of these people touched and changed family and friends lives for the better. i think every person leaves this world for a certain reason at a certain time and i hope most other people get the chance to see that.
personally, last summer i lost one of my best friends of four years in a car accident. she was only eighteen. im not saying it hasnt affected me every day of my life since then, but it also changed so much of my life for the better. the group of friends we belonged to kind of diminished over the years and we all went our seperate ways because of stupid differences and drama. in the light of krissy dying many of us reunited and became good friends again.
its absolutely amazing that one person can take situations like this and completely shatter and others can grow stronger and from what i read, i think you grew stronger and i think thats amazing. this was a great post. i wish you and your family the best of luck through out the years.
God sure has an odd way of showing his Love. Where I come from, that would be considered a jackass move.
So sorry for your sister's death. I'm glad you've found the strength to go on.
May God grant you peace every day as you deal with this loss. No death is ever easy, but it's when the young or "youngish" are taken that we really struggle. As I read your story, I was reminded of my niece's funeral ....Madison was stillborn, a complete shock. And while not the same as a 14 year old, it was diffiucult as she was much loved and anticipated. The minister as the funeral said a couple things that have stuck with me since .......one was" her purpose for life has already been completed ". That just hit me. If you believe in God and His Plan, then you know that he has ordained every day for each of us, and no one is taken any earlier than He planned. Wow! So your sister's purpose in life was completed as well. Second, he said "she's been 'fast-tracked' to where we all long to be". Heaven - our ulitmate destination - and those in Christ who have died are already there. It doesn't make coping without your loved one easier necessarily, but it brings comfort in those sad times.
A friend of ours died on Dec 23 - he was a 37 year old husband and father of 4 - he died in a vehicle accident. A terrible tragedy - but his purpose for life was completed too and not a day early or later than God intended.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord who gives and takes away!
@OoHiTsKaItLyN@xanga - It also shows us, how stupid it is to text and drive
My brother died when he was a year and a half old. It's not fair that young people die but it's life. I found the only way I can cope was to derive some meaning out of it; that death brings us closer and helps us realize how important we are to each other, and that when it's our time, however soon, that is our fate and there isn't anything we can do about it. It's hard to make sense of and accept something that we can't bring meaning out of.
I'm so sorry for your loss you and your family has went through. Â I've haven't lost a sibling, so I'm not going to pretend I know what you went through or going through. Â
I have recently lost my baby. Â I was only 16 weeks pregnant. Â Although a lot of people with faith, lose it or turn angry at God for what they don't understand. Â I didn't. Â I kept telling people, maybe if I was angry at God, it would be easier. Â But I have faith and it gives me strength. Â For whatever reason God chose to take our child away, I trust in him. Â Even if I don't understand it and probably never will. Â I chose to look at it in another light. Â He blessed us with a beautiful baby, even if it was for a short time... So we celebrate his life and will continue to do so...
I don't know if its relevant but I felt compelled to type out this verse:
Isaiah 57:1-2(NLT) 'Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. 2 For those who follow Godly paths will rest in peace when they die.'
@JUSTAVAPORHERE@xanga - thank you so much for your kind words. i will take your advice and talk to my mom--i'm sensing she might need to hear this now as well.
@OoHiTsKaItLyN@xanga - that's okay--thank you for reading and sharing!
@IntoTheCrimsonSky - i agree with you; god is the ultimate source of comfort and i cling to him when i'm feeling sad just like you do. i'm so sorry to hear that these things have happened to you in such a short time span. you will be in my prayers.
@nicolevw@xanga - you know, i've never heard that before and also never thought about it that way; a person generally believes that it will take awhile for your purpose to be fufilled, but that is very insightful and i will take those words to heart.