Thursday, 08 January 2009
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Dealing with Guilt After Sex Before Marriage
Guest post submitted by a Revelife reader
Having recently discovered God after being an atheist for several years I'm struggling with the guilt from some of the things I did before I became a Christian, specifically having sex before marriage. At the time I thought nothing of it but now I feel dirty and ashamed. I feel I have let God down and that my relationship with Him will never be at its best because of my indiscretion.
I also feel I have let my future spouse down and am worried about how they will feel when the find out I'm not a virgin. I'm keen to take a purity vow but don't think this is possible since I'm no longer pure.
Has anyone else suffered similar guilt? If you've overcome this guilt, how did you do so? Has anyone married someone who was a virgin when they were not? Or married someone who was not a virgin when you had waited until marriage? How did this affect you and your relationship?
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Comments (91)
Our God is a God of second chances...that's what being born-again is all about. We get this epic 'do over' in life. All the old is gone....all the 'bad things' that you did before becoming a Christian are wiped again....they are non-existent as far as God is concerned. I TOTALLY understand the shame/guilt that you are feeling over it, BUT....it's almost as if God is clueless as to what you're upset about. He just doesn't see it anymore. You're this brand new, beautiful, spotless little person. You're so upset about stuff that happened before you (the new you) even existed.
As far as God (and any other Christian is concerned...or at least should be) you ARE pure. We're told in the Bible that though are sins are scarlet, we will be white as snow....and you are. Perhaps you've thought of yourself as 'damaged goods'...but that's the OLD you. The new you is just that...new! You're perfect and pristine. Don't let your past dictate your future. Don't view the 'new you' like you viewed who you used to be.
First off, you should know that it is never too late to start over and live a pure lifestyle. This is where the beauty of grace comes in...accepting Christ as savior and confessing your guilt about sin to God will wash it all away so you can start over.
I am far from ready to get married and I too have struggled with the same thing...actually I don't know if I'm qualified to be giving advice on this subject because this is something I am still struggling with. However, I think that if your future spouse truly loves you, he/she will be able to forgive you for your past and love you unconditionally based on who you are right now. If not, then that person is not for you. You've probably heard of that verse from Corinthians...love does not judge, and love will always forgive.
I am trying to overcome my own guilt by being more selective in who I choose to date. A few months ago a really nice, attractive guy asked me out and cooked dinner for me at his apartment, which I thought was really sweet and romantic. But I found out later that the real reason he did all that was so I would "swoon" enough to want to have sex with him on the first date.
I explained to him my vow to be pure, and sure enough, he balked. I recommend discussing your views on sex and boundaries BEFORE starting a relationship again. That way you and your SO will hopefully be on the same page, and it will save you a lot of temptation and potential heartache. If the person ends up dumping you because of it, well, better you found out then that s/he's no good, rather than several months later after you've developed feelings!
From one Christian to another who has experienced the same thing, I wish you luck and pray that you will be strong!
Definitely, confess your sins to God. If you're in a trusting relationship, confess it to the other person. If you're in a spiritually nurturing church, confess it to your pastor or priest (hint: they've heard it all before). Truly, confession is good for the soul.
Don't let the devil drag you down over this sin. Allow God's grace to release you from your burden.
2 Corinthians 5:17
he isTherefore if anyone is in Christ,
a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
When those nagging thoughts come up quote that scripture.
Don't let this stand in the way of your relationship with God! He called you just how you are. There is nothing you can do or could have done to earn more of His love.
Some people may still judge you by what you have done in the past, you're going to have to over look them and forgive them.
When you meet the right person they aren't going to be dwelling on your past (or they shouldn't be anyway) because it's the present and future that matters.
Remember the past is old news, you're working on something new now.
The Beauty of Grace & Mercy, He saw & sees all & when we come to Him & ask for forgiveness ALL our Sins are Washed away.
You know that, since you found Him.
First I am so glad you did... He is wonderful what He does on the inside of us.
What we did in the past will still have its ripples, but IF we let Him those can be healed, restored & of good use to help others.
You should read Some of Lisa Beveres books she writes about this in a deep way.
With me...it took years but I finally realized I had to ask God to get all the pieces of my heart back from the guy/s I gave it away to.When that happened I was able to love my hubby with 100% of my heart. The restoration was complete & those things don't matter in our marriage bc though we talked about it, its the past & has been made new by God...bc I let Him
I think I am rambling I hope I helped. X
I would look on this as a sign as you have changed.
One of the wonderful things about Christianity is the sheer overwhelming unstoppable nature of God's forgiveness.
You were not a Christian. You lived according to your sin nature, as we all did. But when you became a Christian, everything that you ever did wrong--everything!--died there on the cross with Jesus. And that forgiveness is ongoing, too! Even if you messed up and had sex outside of marriage today, that goes on the cross too if you just hand it over to Jesus.
I've heard it said that the difference between the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me and the voice of the Enemy speaking to me is that the Holy Spirit convicts me, the Enemy condemns me. Conviction inspires you to fix the problem and make it right--but you've already done that! Condemnation produces only despair--it's what makes you feel dirty and ashamed. Reject that feeling.
I want to tell you now that you have no call to feel dirty and ashamed. You are a daughter of God, and when he looks at you he doesn't even remember your sin. Go ahead and take that purity vow: you are pure! They talk about a "second virginity" in Christian circles.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me."
don't you think there's something wrong....with you suddenly feeling 'dirty and ashamed' after you've found God? i'm just saying, religion makes you feel bad for being a human being. and i would hope your future spouse isn't so single-minded and judgemental as to shun you for having sex before marriage. just tell them that you have slept with other people before, but that they are what means to the most to you now. the past is the past, and you should'nt feel ashamed; if anything, just look forward.
Guilt doesn't really serve any purpose. You are who you are. And someone who would marry you should accept who you are, or they aren't the one for you. If Christianity is bringing you guilt, then it isn't working for you.
You should probably be telling whomever you end up marrying your sexual history before you get married anyway. And if they act judgmental about it, then is that really the person you should be marrying anyway?
Never regret anything that once made you smile.
How I have dealt with this can only be found through faith... after doing this and you have felt guilty for it.... believe me I know it feels difficult to seem as worthy as you should feel to the Lord, especially when it is raised around you that virginity is a precious gift.... I do believe that it is, and encourage anyone else around me to indeed keep their virginity... but what we must realize is that when a person does give it up, not knowing of the guilt that lies to come.... giving it away is as detrimental as any other sin.... no more, no less. Also, you are no less a Christian for this sin anymore for another sin.... this is as long as you clearly understand that it wasn't the right thing to do. If you feel guilt for it, then you are already one step further along the road.....
Personally how I have dealt with this includes determining how I feel about it, even years after.... I still feel guilty at times... but then I remember to forget what anyone else says to me.... instead I remember that Christ had said, "As far as the east is to the west, so far he hath moved our transgressions from us..." Psalm 103:12.... I keep in mind that I am still a Christian beyond my faults.... that Christianity doesn't mean perfection, but rather what you do with the circumstance you are placed into. Determining, what is the right thing to do, in every situation you are placed in.
For anyone struggling with this within a friendship or a relationship, I would tell them to defnitely speak to them about it, if it is worrisome to you. Perhaps they might not understand why you had done it. Perhaps they just feel uncomfortable. It is best to get all of that into the open where it is able to be reached freely, not tied down in a hidden place. (I'm working on that one myself).
I think it is best not to exude superiority over that person, first and foremost, if you are the one still a virgin..... it truly hinders the other person, and believe me they have already done the self-loathing about it. I think the important thing for people in any type of relationships whether its dating, friendships, mother-son etc. is to remember that just because they are no longer a virgin, does not mean they are not pure at heart. If one is able to discover the truth about themselves, able to say, "What I did was wrong." and then express this realization by believing that Christ still loves and cares for them, still died on the cross even for such a sin.... then I can only stress enough... the person who had taken virginity, did not take this genuine, good-natured side of the person.... this is the pure heart at work. As long as you have Christ within you, can this ever be taken from you.
There are a couple things that I had to realize when I struggled with the same issue.
1. The moment that you became a Christian ALL of your sins were forgiven. ALL meaning past, present, and future. You are a child of God (welcome to the family) He loves you unconditionally. He sees you as perfect because of the fact that Jesus died on the cross for YOU. It took me a while to accept this concept. I just couldn't get my mind around the idea of it being that easy. Although I grew up in a house that "believed" in God, I was taught that we must earn salvation. So this really messed with my head when I figured out that there is nothing we can do to earn salvation. Once you can accept that in your heart you are on the right track.
2. The guilt and shame that you feel are LIES being told to you by the devil. Again I struggled with the same feelings, over and over again. Even after I got married to a wonderful man who didn't care about my past, I would still feel guilty about what I done before I became a Christian. You have to be strong and stand up to Satan. When you start to feel bad, quote something from the bible to yourself or just say "NO Satan you are a liar and God loves me just the way that I am"
Both my husband and I have pasts that we are not proud of. But we know that those sins have been forgiven. You should not worry about if the person you marry will be OK with your past b/c if you allow God to guide you, you will find someone who will love you for who you are right now.
If you feel led by God to take a purity pledge then do it! But also remember that if you make a mistake, God will still love you. That's the amazing thing about God's love--It never ends. He will be there to pick you up, dust you off, give you a big hug and put you back on the right track.
I hope that helps.
@hubbaduh@xanga - "As far as God (and any other Christian is concerned...or at least should be) you ARE pure. We're told in the Bible that though are sins are scarlet, we will be white as snow....and you are. Perhaps you've thought of yourself as 'damaged goods'...but that's the OLD you. The new you is just that...new! You're perfect and pristine."
EXACTLY!!
My husband and I were almost 30 when we came to Christ, and I was ashamed of the life I had lived. I struggled with guilt until I finally understood what hubbaduh said above: In God's eyes I was pure again. He had given me a brand-new life that I could live with Christ.
We will struggle with thoughts, habits and things left over from our old lives as well as with our own humanness, but don't let our enemy use your past to hinder your relationship with God. The guilt of ALL your past was erased the moment you gave your life to Christ. And when we sin (as will still happen -- after all, we're still human), God immediately responds to our repentance with full and absolute forgiveness.
yes i have my friend. you are not alone you are loved. Christ does not hold the past in memory anymore. the old has gone and the new has arrived. lets try and put the old self to sleep.
Prescription:
Take your Bible. Open it up to Romans 8. Read it. Read it again. Read it again.
Then answer these very simple questions: Are you in Christ Jesus? If so, how much condemnation do you have? Are you controlled by the flesh / sinful nature anymore? Whose child and heir are you? What does the Spirit do for your weakness? Does your sin fall under the category of "all things"? What can separate you from the love of Christ?
Then repeat.
Then repeat again.
Do this until this passage of Scripture is a part of your bone marrow. (You'll know.)
Possible side effects may include uncontrollable and overwhelming joy.
i would say not to be overwhelmed with guilt... be convicted sure and let that conviction spur you to live holy... but don't let condemnation govern you...
Romans 8 states that "there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ..."
I would suggest that when the time comes and you meet her... be open, honest, and communicate with your spouse... she will feel insecure as she knows your past sin and open, honest, communication is the best remedy to build a relationship....
Mark Driscoll (a preacher i've been listening to lately) states that when u can openly talk about your past sin freely signifies that you've moved on and are free... which then lets you move onto what God is directing you to do...
don't feel condemned... keep a mentality of repentance... Martin Luther said that "A Christian's life is one of repentance..." keep a humble heart about the fact that you did mess up... but God has forgiven you in Christ and He will empower you as you seek to obey Him in all that you do...
don't be condemned... be convicted and keep a heart of repentance... and live freely with Jesus as your Savior...
the bible say that once you surrender all of your life to Christ the old is gone (all the junk, your mistakes, anything you did that did not honr the father, shame, is gone!!) now that dose not mean that you won't struggle from time to time, or slip up...all you have to do is say God i'm sorry i messed up again wash me with the blood of your son Jesus christ HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL .. and once you do that .. its doen just likre that he has already forgiven you all you need do is ask and he gives it..
the scriptures also go on to say that the new has come ...that mean that you choose every day that you wake up that you are going to do your best to live for him , that you are going to purpose in your heart that you will spend time with the one who has redeamed you ... time in the word with prayer and worship. reading the scriptures will really help with "not fealing forgiven" it does not matter if you feal forgiven or not you declare daily as many times ads needed
": that im am forgiven by the name of JESUS Iam redeamed bythe blood of the Lamb
I am not my past .. what i've done is not who I am.. i AM A CHILD OF THE KING and no weapon formed against me shall prosper."
if you can get a copy of Get Out Of That Pit : Streight Talk About God's Deliverance BY: Beth Moore Ithink that would really help you it shure has helped me alot...
everyone overcome by the blood of the lab and the word of their testmonity
I thought Christianity was about forgiveness. You can't change the past, so you might as well forgive yourself.
Gee whiz... Must be cos, as the stereiotype says, in Europe we are more promiscuous, but I don't think you should feel guilty
I'm 18, I am a virgin and I used to feel guilty when I THOUGHT aout sex and wanted to do it with someone (I come from a Catholic family, though I'm not now -I'm agnostic but I trully respect the religion-all). But 'God' forgives u I guess, cos it's sth u did BEFORE becoming a Christian.
Everyone makes 'mistakes' anyway (though I don't consider it a mistake since if u did it it's cos at the time u thought it was the right thing to d)! It's not an excuse, only you now realize it's sth wrong (according to Christians views).
Now move on, forget it and just think that the next time you'll make love (I guess after ur marriage), it'll have a different and more deep meaning to you
And I would really considere the idea of telling inmediately ur loved one the fact that u're not a virgin and how u feel about that.
Good luck with ur man
I messed up before getting married and my husband was a virgin. Before we even started dating we talked about different expectations etc, and my worst fear came up... "are you a virgin?" talk came up. I said no, and I was really vague about it. He assumed I had only slept with one guy... that hurt him, but he still liked me anyway. Then later in on in our relationship I told him I had slept with more than 1 guy, to clarify and be honest to him. He was even more hurt by that. He needed time to think and we didn't talk for a couple days, but I understood. I don't think he understands how that felt like he was stabbing my own heart as well. The worst shame comes when the one you love looks down on you and has to rethink the relationship. He's a sensible guy and of course we talked about our hurts, fears, our image in Christ, and being the man that he is, he saw me the way Christ sees me. We are now happily married. The guilt and shame that you may feel can also be induced by demons and their lies, so you have to keep reminding yourself that God made you, and He loves you despite the mistakes... you just need to keep your eyes on Him. Hope that helps. You're not alone.
hmm... i like what everyone wrote... esp God of second chance... at least you didint know that sex before marriage was bad... what about other christian who knew it was bad and still did it? why? you are accountable for what you do know... but that's not a good excuse becuase we are all guilty under sin...
God showed me numerous verses to clam my mind, becuz i know that my tends to have great ideals millions persecond and tends to wonder off millions persecond... i even imagin how it would be difficult to get a girl friend or even wife... or they may leave me becuz i am "unclean" one guy that everyone knows and i still remeber is david... in one part of his life he commited adultery with his eye, then with his body.. and the fruit of that was a baby, and since he wanted to cover it up he brought the woman's hubby (from battle field) to sleep with her... and he didint becuz he think of his men (what a honorable solider)... so insted david make his death looks like accident... which mean he commited murder... and marries her and lies to nathan... gesss... i think he would get life sentance from all those sins... but what did God do? he forgave him and we know david as "friend of God" when i heard that story it brought tears tomy eyes... yes i mgith ahve done something small but sex is not something you just do... your souls and "partners" soul is becoming one... but the fact that God forgave me and remeber it no more as it never happen, brought tears, and feeling forgiven...
another story is the woman who endlessly cried tears to clean Jesus's foot and clean it with her hair, and perfume it... why do i like this story? it's awesome... because what Jesus says next after that... her sins are many/heavy so she was forgiven much, so she loves much... her sins were numerous, or i'm guessing so much she problely cant even buy a sacrificed becuz she's known to people as unclean woman... but Jesus forgave her from her ::referring to picture:: a ton of sin off her back... like the debt collector who's had more debt was wipped clean was happy... and this does not mean we sin alot to be forgiven alot... each person is on their own journey and own struggles to get to heaven... Jesus was all about love... if we love we must "forgive, forget and learn" or at least that what i say all the time...
i believe that there are such things as becoming a 'virgin' again.
second chances, third chances, 100 chances are always given with a relationship with Christ.
His love is Agape. :)
You feel dirty now that you're Christian...and you're confused as to why you feel dirty?