by mrs lily
My husband and I visited a church this past Sunday, and after the service we talked with a few people our age before we left. We drove quite a way to get there, so we were trying to explain where we live and our living situation, and before I could elaborate, as soon as I said we live with my parents, one of them responded, "Hey, we've been there, too."
Really?
Now I do not by any means intend to be rude or discount the sincerity of the people we met. I definitely think they were very nice and well meaning. But it made me take a step back and think how quickly we respond sometimes without fully listening.
I know I have done it. This is not an isolated incident, either, for most of the time until I explain the details of our lives someone will respond with something like, "Been there" or "I went through the exact same thing..." I wanted to say, "Are you sure? because I didn't finish..."
A lot of young couples I know have had to live with their parents for a time to help them get on their feet. There is no shame in that. Not to say that Shane and I would be rolling in the dough if we were on our own, nor are we now. My parents have been struggling a great deal with financial issues for some time, so actually we are sort of helping each other out in that regard. But that was still not our primary reason for coming here.
My mom is in end-stage renal disease (kidney failure) and will probably never get a transplant, in addition to many other health issues that may before long claim her life. I have been living away from my family for a couple of years as it is while all of this has been going on. My dad is almost 70, and has been caring for my mom virtually by himself, with even little moral support. We are not here for ourselves, but because life is short.
Again, I am not trying to be rude, but the only person I know who has remotely been in my situation is around 50 years old, and until you have been in this situation it is very hard to understand. In fact, I wouldn't even attempt to compare myself to someone in a situation similar to my own because not only are circumstances often very different, but each person's perception of reality may be completely different from the next.
Sometimes we can find comfort in knowing someone is going through the same sort of trials or circumstances that we are. However, sometimes someone is pouring out their hearts and it strikes a cord in us and reminds us of something we are going through so we automatically assume that is how that person must feel, too. but...when we heard that we started thinking to ourselves and stopped listening, so how would we really know?
"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share in its joy." Proverbs 14:10Whether completely well-intentioned or just quick to answer, do you ever find yourself forming an answer to something someone is saying before they've even finished talking? Has it ever hurt you when someone did that to you? Did it help you be more sensitive to other people's sufferings, or to practice listening before you speak?
Comments (11)
Whether completely well-intentioned or just quick to answer, do you
ever find yourself forming an answer to something someone is saying
before they've even finished talking?
Not really. I usually wait for people to finish their thought.
Has it ever hurt you when someone
did that to you?
Yes, but usually because it wasn't well-intentioned; it was competitive ("Oh, yeah? Well my situation is much worse than yours!").
Did it help you be more sensitive to other people's
sufferings, or to practice listening before you speak?
No. It just makes me frustrated. It's one thing to say that you know how someone's feeling when you've been in a similar situation. It's quite another to say it just because you want to look compassionate.
I need to constantly work on this. I am always giving my husband an answer before he finishes and most of the time (yes, most) my answer would be completely different if I just listened to him without interrupting.
@aliyagator@xanga - I like your honesty! It's refreshing!
Whether completely well-intentioned or just quick to answer, do you ever find yourself forming an answer to something someone is saying before they've even finished talking?
I gotta admit, yeah, I do that sometimes. But nothing of mine (I hope) has been to something so serious. Probably like, "oh yeah I've played that game! I've read that book" before the speaker finishes. Or while they're talking I'm thinking of what I'd say next. I know it's rude and a bad habit, but I think it's human nature.
Has it ever hurt you when someone did that to you?
I guess not in the way it did for you, but I understand why you'd be upset from that.
Did it help you be more sensitive to other people's sufferings, or to practice listening before you speak?
Well, now that I've read your passage, I think I will start doing it. I mean, it IS human nature to try to "reach out" to others, but some do it wrong or just don't do it properly. It gives them a chance to relate and hopeuflly gain an equal ground... but it is pretty lame just to cut someone off to tell them that.
Were you planning on telling that story about your mother and father to these new people you met? If not, don't feel that hurt. They were seriously just being nice and if the other person who said that knew that you were upset from their hospitality.... idk. Just my two cents.
Another take on your experience.
1, Be thankful there were people who greeted you at church and wanted to talk with you (even if they did more talking than you preferred/expected). Sad to say it, but not all churches are welcoming.
2. Perhaps the person who began telling his/her story needed to be heard. Even though as a visitor, you were feeling you should have been heard, consider that we should all be ready to listen to and enter into each other's stories. We are so self-centered and so often want to tell our stories and forget there are others out there waiting to tell their stories and wanting people to listen to them. We often go to church expecting to get (consumer mentality) but we need to remember we are all ministers and should be ready to give (servant mentality--Christ mentality).
3. We are told to share with others the comfort with which God has comforted us (see II Cor. 1). As we let other people tell their story, as much as we wanted to tell our story, we can often receive comfort/encouragement for our own situation even though their situation is not exactly the same as ours.
4. Even though others have not shared the exact same situation as yours, certainly God can still use them to minister to you. I think we become prideful whenever we say "no one understands" and we limit God. We can close ourselves off to God's surprising and unexpected ministry and blessing through people via His Holy Spirit for God's Spirit does know how exactly what we're experiencing at any given time.
I find myself saying to people "I know the feeling," because their situation (after listening to all of it) sounds just like something I went through. Sometimes when I'm talking about something, one of my friends would interrupt me and say "Ohhh I know how that is!!!" and even start talking about themselves sometimes before I even get to finish. It's very irritating and I either think, "No, you don't know how I feel," or, "Yeah, I know you've been through that part, but I didn't finish yet." But sometimes we say it because we're not sure what else to say. We just want to show sympathy.
People are so quick to try to connect, which I find welcome in comparison to them being unfriendly. However, it certainly can be annoying when they jump in, declaring they know just how you feel.
I used to have more trouble with this annoying habit and am still working on it, but my personality is a fairly quiet one so it's only happened a few times and usually with family. However, thanks to what I'm learning in my social work classes, I'm discovering how to connect without seeming to annoyingly "try too hard" to relate. It's amazing how much people just want to be listened to.When I find people doing this "I KNOW EXACTLY how you are feeling!" thing to me, I simply hear them out, listening intently, or at least appearing to, make a supportive comment, and then finish what I was going to say "What I was going to say was..." after a comment that shows that I was listening usually works well for me. (Sometimes when it's a really tough issue being that patient is really hard to do.) At least when people seem to feel like I actually paid attention to what they said, I find they are a lot more... humble? Or... inquisitive? Or, at least, more likely to listen to my side of the story.
I've found that most people are in need of being heard and recognized and affirmed. I think that's what contributes to so many interruptions when one person begins sharing a similar situation.
I also think that's why Xanga is so popular. People are able to write out their full thoughts and have them read completely.
A listening friend is a spiritual treasure.
@HumbleWalk@xanga - well said. Thank you.
i do sometimes. not as much as i used to, but still sometimes. it's becoming more important to listen to people and empathize with them, really try to identify with them, than to automatically make associations in my head and blurt out whatever their situation makes me think of first. i know that just about zero people really understand me, and that's kind of making me want to work harder to try and understand and connect with other people.