Friday, 02 January 2009

• To 2009, and Beyond!

  Guest post submitted by walkonwater

  I write one of these every year at this time. I can’t help it; I think it’s turned into part of my new year’s tradition. The past year has been filled with turmoil. I find that this is becoming more of the “norm” than I ever expected. I anticipated a boring life, and that’s pretty far from the truth I’ve come to embrace.

  I’m learning in my ripe old age of 25 (almost 26) that life can throw all sorts of painful, humiliating, and overwhelming events at us. None of us are immune to devastation and burdens that seem much too hard to handle. It’s in how you move through those events that make you who you are. It’s when you can look back on the heartache and sees whether you found your center, and grew through the event or you freaked out and stumbled. I’ve done my fair share of both in 2008, but overall… I don’t think I would change any of it.

  I’m realizing that my family is a constant, no matter how crazy or hurtful events can be, we love each other. We care enough to offend someone (whether it is unintentional or purposeful) and to fight through those hurtful events and come out of it closer than we were before. Sometimes we lose our loved ones through death and it makes a deep, dark wound in our hearts. I’ve dealt with that this year, and it still hurts. However, I can see a wind of change blowing among those in my family that are using loss for positive growth. It gives the pain purpose, and for that…I’m thankful.

  I’ve learned in the past year that we can make mistakes and not even realize what we’re doing at the time that will impact us for the rest of our lives. Things happen, and we’re unsure as to whether or not we have the strength to survive, but I have survived. It’s in that pain that I withdraw from the world and those people who love me the most to heal. Instead; I go to God. I pray that He mends the brokenness. He’s always been faithful to do just that. Even when I feel as if it’s impossible to mend what’s been broken, He proves me wrong time and again.

  It’s for that reason that I think I love winter. Often you hear people complain about the cold and how everything appears to be so dead. I realize that in the cold and in the death new life is preparing to spring up. Winter for me is that time in which the earth heals itself and rests so that it can bloom again in the spring. The snow is always a peaceful reminder to me that in that death and healing comes a clean white covering. Sort of like God covers our flaws and mistakes. It’s cold and miserable and dangerous (the snow of course…) but it’s beautiful and clean and pure. Call me weird, I’ve been called worse! Haha!

  The past year has been sort of a roller coaster as far as friends go. I’ve lost and gained and grown and fallen away from people that I was certain would always be a strong force in my life. I’ve learned through the difficult times, times when I didn’t want to get out of bed, who loved me fiercely enough to not give up on who they knew was still buried deep inside this shell of a body. For those friends, I will forever be thankful. Steve, Cheryl, Chris, Erin and Matt…. You are part of me, and no matter what you are the strongest part of that force of countless people who love me as I am, but enough to never let me give up. I could run through a list of names a hundred strong of people who have been there for me. Each of you has changed me for the good, and I’m so incredibly thankful.

  I’ve also had a season of change in my faith this year. I’ve been able to make my faith and my relationship with God stronger. Through my failure and screw up and defiance, I’ve seen in action that He is a constant who will never change and never leave me. I’ve had a hunger to be different and to change the reputation a “Christian” person has. I no longer want to be seen or associated with judgmental, homophobic, stuck-up, comfortable, mediocre church people who are satisfied with their hour sitting in a church pew every week as if they’ve satisfied their responsibility to a Book they barely understand. I don’t claim to be perfect, or a poster-child for all that’s good in a faith that seems so hypocritical to others who look in and scratch their heads wondering why we even bother. I don’t want to be like the church. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be radical and loving and willing to take risks that other people might see as crazy. I want to make a difference with love. Not just any love, but with His love. I want to use my pain and mistakes, and joy and triumphs to show anybody willing to see a God who is merciful and loving.

  So that’s my resolution for this year. Besides the ordinary and obvious resolutions of my past like wanting to lose weight, gain control of my finances, finally finish my book, get the guts up to go to the doctor... or any number of other things…. In 2009 I want to be a radical willing to risk it all to learn for myself who the real Jesus is…and share Him with a world that hurts. I don't want to be full of rants and complaints. I want to be ready to be the hands and feet and heart of God. I don't want to be full of worry and anxiety, I want to be confident in the promises that God has made....and trust that He's going to take care of me even when it seems like there's no way out. For once, I want to live who I say I am. Because when it's all said and done it doesn't matter what kind of house I live in, or what kind of car I drive. I'm pretty sure Jesus won't let me in to heaven if my credit score is below par. He'll look to see what I did with what He's given me. Was I willing to risk it all to help someone else? That's what I want..... it's who I am. Now, it's time to show it.

  Happy New Year...

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