Wednesday, 24 December 2008

• Through Immense Physical and Emotional Pain I've Learned Lessons of Love

   by miss poppy
  
  

  
  

  I'm one of those people who always had a plan.
  
  From a very young age, I wanted to be independent. As soon as I realized what it meant not to have money for things I wanted, I decided to make sure that didn't happen to me any more. I saw school success as my ticket to the things I was going for. I got really good grades; I knew I could do it. I didn't want to ever have to depend on anyone for anything any more, whether financial or emotional. I didn't want to owe anyone.
  
  Enter Crohn's.
  
  I'm not here to debate healing. I believe in it 100%, but I know that in my situation, God has allowed me to be ill for a protracted length of time for a reason.
  
  Throughout the past five years, I've cost my parents countless dollars on medical bills, forced my father to miss an important family wedding, done very little to contribute practically to anything, cried a lot, become depressed, and have been as much of a burden as it's possible for anyone to be.
  
  You know what I've found out?
  
  I'm loved. My hard head has finally realized the truth. I'm loved by a family who have happily made countless sacrifices and asked nothing in return. I owe them debts that three lifetimes' worth of repayment could never cover. And yet, they would never take anything from me except the one thing I can give them-my love.
  
  I have also learned that I have a heavenly Father who loves me deeply, independent of anything I can do. While I have been sidelined in the world's eyes, He has spoken tenderly to me and healed my emotional wounds. He has stayed beside me no matter what. When I was well, I used to run in circles, getting nowhere, but the illness that Satan meant for evil, God meant for good. When I was lying wounded, God took the opportunity of my stillness and desperation to do His gentle, comforting work in my heart.
  
  Hebrews 12:10-11 says something very interesting: Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
  
  I tend to overthink these verses sometimes, but when I think of them in the context of my illness, they make a lot of sense. Being sick has been very painful in many ways, both physically and emotionally, but through it, I have learned the most wonderful lesson of my life. Before I was sick, I truly did not know I was loved. I lived in a prison of self-drivenness. My illness changed all that. God's allowance of my suffering gave me the opportunity to see how much I am cherished by my family and by Him.
  
  So many times I have melted into my earthly father's embrace, enjoying a relationship that would not be there had I not been sick. So many times God has held me in His arms for ages, filling me with His love. Special times that I never would have experienced if I had not experienced sickness. It's as if He's saying to me, "See, see why it all happened?" in His humility begging me to see His mercy and not to resent my suffering, to be hushed by the weight of love that was willing to do anything in order to help me receive His affection.
  
  That is why I can say that I do not regret a day of my sickness. Was it discipline? I suppose that's one way to look at it, but it's very hard to despise a process that removes crushing pain and brings winsome, life-giving love and tenderness to a frightened, wounded heart.
  
  Sometimes people say they are sorry for me or that they don't understand why God hasn't healed me yet. When that happens, I realize again the grace and understanding that God has given me. Of course, I want to be well in His time, but I will always cherish the memory of the pain-filled times that have also been grace-filled times. I cannot thank Him enough or in big enough words for the heartbreaking, soul-soothing tenderness of snuggling into Abba God's embrace. My utter weakness has made me able to collapse into His mercy.
  
  I know that our Abba wastes no experiences, and this one has meant more to me than any other. It has been the best time of my life.
  
  2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
  
  Satan is defeated. He brought weakness; God provided strength. He brought pain; God provided love. And all in far greater measure than I ever knew before I was sick.
  
  I am more sure than ever. I will never be silent. There is a fire in my heart. I love Him, and I will never stop. Thank you, Abba.
  

  • 4:37 PM
  • 1394 Views
  • 18 eProps
  • 9 Comments