Friday, 19 December 2008
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How Can We Talk About Our Sins Without Causing Someone to Stumble?
Back when I co-edited a section of the college paper, several people at my small, private Catholic university committed suicide within the same month. As the school's official (i.e. university-funded) journal, we felt it was important to cover the stories without sensationalizing them. Since the editor-in-chief wanted the other co-editor and I to include an additional feature about suicide prevention our section, he discussed with us extensively about the risk of romanticizing the fame (or infamy) people achieve when they kill themselves. I'm sure most of us have heard of that study about how more exposure to suicides can encourage people to commit suicide themselves.
In the end, the issue of tasteful coverage got so complicated that the News section wrote up just a 300-word just-the-facts sidebar on the deaths, while the EIC scrapped the suicide prevention feature altogether. The school administration wasn't too cooperative, our interview subjects weren't getting back to us, and overall, the staff wanted to avoid unwittingly writing a huge tribute to those who took their own lives. While I agree that we shouldn't glorify suicide, depression, and the like, I wonder if someone could have benefited from the article assigned to my co-editor and I if we'd actually published it.
I wonder also if something similar happens in college ministries when people start dealing with secrecy and sin. I know that a lot of people, especially the people who are older (i.e. have had more life to make mistakes) have struggled with things seen as part of a sinful lifestyle - and I mean the "obvious" sins, like alcoholism, drug use, self-injury, sexual immorality, and the like - and we're exposed to and tempted by those things regularly as we're in college. While I'm sure you can't really get away from those things in the adult world either, I'd say that college students (especially underclassmen) are especially prone to getting caught up in them since they're still somewhat of novelty. I mean, there's a reason that college freshmen have a reputation for causing trouble.
The thing is, a lot of us have also gotten past those things, and even if we're still working through them, the grace of God has helped us improve and keep persevering despite running into the occasional speed bump. I know some stories that would make for pretty great testimonies, but for whatever reason, they're not being told. I certainly have unsavory things in my past, but I feel pressured to keep those things under the surface.
I've asked various leaders and friends about why we don't talk about our "dark pasts," especially not in front of the younger/newer members. It's not like our younger brothers and sisters are 10 years old - the youngest people are maybe 17 or 18. I think they can handle hearing about people's struggles with sex and alcohol as long as those stories are told tastefully and in an edifying way. In some cases, people don't like talking about their pasts because they feel ashamed. In other cases, they've heard it said that by telling those stories, they risk romanticizing the experience and encouraging young people to think it's okay to experiment with sin, since "so-and-so's a leader and he did it too.." or worse, "so-and-so tried drugs, and he got past it, so I'm sure I can just try them and quit later."
As one of the older people in my small group, I understand this logic. I often have a hard time sharing because I feel the need to censor what I'm going through, or have gone through. It's like being an older sibling. I don't want to inandvertently suggest to the people who look up to me as an older sister in Christ that since I turned out relatively okay, they can go and commit the same sins I did.
When I think back on myself at their age, though, I remember feeling so alone in my struggles. Not only did I feel ashamed (which contributed to very low self-esteem), but I often felt hopeless that I would ever break out of my sadness and painful habits. While I'm grateful for the people God did send, and that things turned out okay in the end (even though the process was pretty difficult), I think it would've helped enormously if I'd heard other Christians talk specifically about their sins. Of course I've heard those really dramatic sermons and testimonies about people who got past the "obvious" sins, but there's still this tone of condemnation that keeps me from really feeling encouraged. Is saying, "If you guys are drinking, stop it RIGHT NOW because it's BAD! I should know, I've been there!" really the best way to talk about alcohol, for example? Hearing things like that certainly didn't make me want to open up, nor did it make me feel as if it'd be a good idea to talk to fellow brothers and sisters during hard times. If anything, I feel comfortable sharing only about struggles like pride, laziness in doing quiet times, or fear of sharing the gospel...things like that.
Now when I'm in small group or hanging out with people after church, I wonder if anyone's struggling with things they're afraid to talk about. I wonder if there are people struggling with depression, alcohol use, and promiscuity. I wonder if they feel like freaks or afraid that God or other church people will reject them. I wonder what it would take for me to tell them I've been there too, and with the grace of God, it'll be okay.
How comfortable do you feel being honest about your struggle with sin? How can we talk about our sins in a tasteful and encouraging way, and not in a way that would lead our brothers and sisters astray?
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Comments (13)
You know, I've been asking myself a lot of the same questions. It seems like we have to put on an image. It's like there's a rule against admitting to any shortcomings. I think that as a new Christian, I would have been helped by hearing that other people had struggled with what I struggled with. Instead, everyone's silence on these issues made me feel inferior and ashamed.
If you're so worried about making these people "stumble" or whatever, then they're obviously not being taught to think for themselves. If someone at age 17 can't look at someone else's past and learn from it without having to experience it, then whoever or whatever taught them to act instead of rationalise needs to change as does that person.
The less you talk about something you think should be different, the more it'll happen. Talking about the history of your sex life doesn't lead to sex; emotions and being human leads to sex. Faulty logic and stupidity in the upbringing of a child creates the same thing.
However, no one can go through their entire life only seeing or hearing about something that happened, we all have to experience - it's how we learn. If you never commit one "sin" in your entire life you'll never learn anything and you'll never have experienced real humanity. Life is how it is: we're born; we rely heavily (if not solely) on our parents friends and family and we're very impressionable; we get a bit older and become more independent; we hit the teen years and rebel and try and establish more independence; we go off and start our own lives, (most of us) have our own children, watch them go through the same cycle; and in the end we all die. No one is exempt from this life. We all live, breathe, take action, and die.
Since I did not come to a personal relationship with Christ (if you have no idea what I am talking about, message me) until I was 26, I can safely say I had some serious baggage behind me.
I believe that it's called "euphoric recall". Drug addicts, alcoholics, sexaholics, etc. all like to 'recall' and relive those bad moments when they are turning lose of them. They especially like to talk and talk about them. Too much...
It is great to be able to identify with the teeming masses out there, but only in a very short term way. We should be able to state in a sentence or two what we were like 'before', but now we are different because God changed us. Then spend more time on the wonderful changes that resulted.
I'm afraid we all feed off of each other, and especially when we find someone who has experienced the same or similar sinful areas.
So we'll keep mine a secret!! ;>)
So when the Bible talks about sin, I guess it causes people to stumble.
God is in SO much trouble.
j/k
Seriously, if we can't even properly mourn people who, due to depression, misery and hopelessness, have taken their own lives, then is there any approach we can take to the less than ideal. Lord help us all, I guess we should talk about nothing but puppies.
I wish more Christians would talk about their struggles. If more people had been open with me and I with them I wonder how much pain and heartache I could have avoided.
There is this idea that we have to keep our sins hidden. If we were more open and honest with each other maybe their would be less "problems" in the church. Maybe we see more people coming to us and not running away from us.
hmm... just barely in the beginning of this year, a week before my birthday i confessed in front of my youth and worship team, all at once, a week before or maybe several months before i felt as i was dry, not stating it was truth but the week before i confessed our youth Pastor said that the youth that comes on youth night aren't being truthful to themselves...
stating that whenever we come to see each other at the church, we just always have smiles on, that we're hiding something beneath that smile...
Before i was just in charge of running sound board for worship, but as time passed, i got close to my worship leader and one of the youth leaders of filipino church, i mainly talked for both youth and worship team, just talking to the leaders, trying to help them to devise a way to connect with youth, all in this sudden message from our youth pastor, i felt i needed to confess my sins, it was to the point i could even hear God move me, move me in a way that i would just have to let go and let God, that's how powerful it was...
i barely turned into a christian in summer of 2006 and it was already beginning 2008 i've been suffering with sin; Drugs(weed),Alcohol, Sexual immorality(masterbation) i was so into stating how far i grew into christ, even everyone saw me as one of the strong ones...
Someone who was real, but still felt to far out of reach...
I didn't want this image that i was growing too fast for others, that i'm too holy and pure to even be their friend...
i didn't want that...
so i confessed...
one of our leaders stepped down for about few days, stating he had to reconcile with himself and God...
He had hope in me, that i wouldn't be going through the stuff i stated, because i was one of the ones who actually showed hope in growing strong enough to be a youth leader, or even farther one day becoming a Pastor...
all in that one moment, everyone knew what it was like to just suffer under that "smile" I wanted to be real to them, to show them i care...
and my last line
"I rather have you have my humiliated than to believe that i'm someone you think i'm not, I believe you and trust you with these very words you won't turn my words against me..."
its been 9 months since i confessed, even today i try to follow the lines of guidance for those who don't talk about themselves...
After the confession few youth actually stepped up, Youth leaders were distributed their work, even i was assigned as a new youth leader, and some left, but that didn't mean we didn't love them anymore...
Anyways
All Awhile growing i always told the truth to others, little did i know that God was there as well helping me tell these truthes... Sadly enough, even though i spoke truthful i didn't want to admit it to myself...
now i hear and learned of what God has given me, and still up to now...
Now i have stepped down from my Ministry, and just recently given hope to my cousin who is leader of her own youth/ministry, asking for me to speak for an event and such... I wouldn't know what to say but still...
I can still say i'm Weak, i've been weak in so many ways...
But God still doesn't want to let me Go...
He never did after all these years...
May God Bless Everyone
talk to your pastor instead.
The notion that being honest and open means airing out all our dirty laundry is a very unwise and morbid one. Simply accepting that everyone has profound struggles makes it completely unnecessary to know any details. I don't want to know any details in fact.
Negativity can be hurtful and destructive. So the people at church are the LAST people I'd talk to about my terrible sins and sinfulness. I have a confessor who is well trained and sworn to secrecy and my work with him is very constructive.
As far as the press is concerned, respect for dead trumps writing the story. Educational pieces can be written in due time.
Thanks for this post. It was very insightful, and I totally agree with you. When I was a young Christian in youth group, there were some sins that people committed and "swept under the rug" every they had already gotten past them. There were also those people who had struggled, overcome, and were willing to share. For me, those people really did help me a lot as a young Christian to make the right decisions.
I do see some merit in sharing past sins with other Christians, especially those younger than you. I think that as long as a person thoughtfully considers the testimony that they are going to give, you wouldn't have to worry about "romanticizing" the whole ordeal. Oh, if only someone had shared with and "warned" me as a youth about a recent ordeal I went through...how much that would have helped (and maybe even prevented my struggle)! I believe that Christians are called to speak out their struggles. We pressure ourselves too much to be perfect and appear sinless, which just makes us all the more unapproachable to non-Christians. Talking about our struggles and how God's saving grace helped us overcome them is a powerful testimony. I think it is just important to find the balance between preaching a sermon and sharing your faith walk.
I think our brokenness has a special place in God's heart. Jesus came down to earth for the broken people. We know we aren't perfect, we know we can't be. If that's not a secret, then nor should our sins be.
We are capable of loving lovable people, but God's love is far beyond that because he loves us DESPITE our brokenness, and that is what makes God's love for us so great. So I think hiding our brokenness is hiding the most important part of our testimony for God's love for us.
So many good comments on both sides. I'd say, share if you feel God leading you to, and if you believe that sharing your prior struggles will build up a brother or sister who might be in your shoes. Sometimes, some of the best encouragement comes from hearing from somebody who was once just as snagged in sin as you may be, and how God brought them through it.
No one is perfect, but we Christians try the hardest to make others think otherwise.I agree with the idea in@LoBornlite@xanga - 's comment that morbid details detract from the intent to be real. It is an embarrassment to the hearer that you are intentionally inflicting on them. I don't advocate hiding the truth that my life since receiving Christ as my saviour is vastly different from the time before I was saved, nor hiding the truth that I have had to learn to yield my members as instruments for God to use. It is one thing to encourage a young Christian that his (her) struggles with past habits and practices are a normal part of growing in their new life, and quite another to reduce your testimony to the graphic details of your past.
at the core of what you are asking, you are asking how much are we held accountable for the actions of others, and that is a difficult question.
in cultures like mainstream America, individualism would say we each are only responsible for ourselves, while collective cultures emphasize we are all a community and need to think about how we affect each other.
the epistles about church life seem to fall somewhere in between.
if i share about my sins and someone chooses to take it as discouragement and an excuse for their own sloppy behavior, shame on them. if i do not watch my words and become a discouraging bad influence, shame on me.
it is somewhere in between i guess