Tuesday, 16 December 2008
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I Felt Detached and Cynical After a Week of No Spiritual Nourishment
Though I did go to church yesterday, once there, I realized I wasn't really at Church. I walked in, picked my pew, glanced through the bulletin, stood for worship...all by rote, and disdainful rote at that. I wasn't feeling it...whatever "it" may be. The atmosphere was fine, the worship good, the preaching excellent...I just seemed to see it all through cynical eyes. Later, in my journal-to-God, I wrote, "I feel detached from you, from everything 'you.'"
I picked Keeg up and told him I was about to get depressed again, so he had to be there for me like last time. Ick. "Last time," Keeghan was the only thing that would get me out of bed. I was heading full-steam toward a cynical, angry, depressed period, and I knew how to stop it; but sometimes it's just easier to allow oneself to be that miserable, pitiful Scrooge.
Christmas has nothing to do with it. It had more to do with a stressed and sick week almost entirely void of any serious Bible-reading, journaling, and talking to God. This morning as I drove about my accounts, I realized this, and though I didn't want to, I took out the audio book I was listening to and replaced it with the Book of John. I had spent too much time the previous week watching television and listening to audio fiction. I needed to hear Jesus.
This is one of those things that makes the Christian life really hard. It's so much easier and more immediately enjoyable to throw a personal pity-party and be angry at the world. Why can't we be forever happy based upon our past study, prayer, and revelation? Or, after our delightful bad mood-day, why can't we immediately snap out of our funk based on that past?
It doesn't work that way. Like food and water, our need for Jesus is a daily requirement for a healthy spirit. Last night, as a week's worth of essentially avoiding him began to show it's affect, I noticed I felt oppressed, as though the demons of my past were hanging out with me again. Take that literally or metaphorically; either could be the case.
We can't go without God. Though I knew this from what others have said, I didn't really know it experientially, so God's making it very clear.
Since you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-4, NIV
Do you feel a difference in your spiritual life when you don't read the Bible or pray?
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Comments (10)
Thanks, I needed to read this.
i stopped going to group on Wednesday because i wasn't getting anything out of it anymore, i felt it was time to look for a new one, but i got really scared about going to new churches by myself.
so i just didn't go to Wednesday church, i felt very detached from the flow of God in my life.
so yes, i CAN feel the difference.
and i hate it.
I do not think you are alone.
If, for whatever reason, I don't do anything with my church for at least a week, I start feeling like my past demons are hanging out with me again.
That was well said.
:)
I know what you mean, and I hate it when I feel like this, but I don't hate it enough to actually DO something about it...that's when it's the most frustrating. If that makes any sense.
man i relate completely to this... and God's been dealing with me pretty intensely in this area... it's refreshing to be reminded that others go through as well :)
heh... reading one's own thoughts on someone else's blog makes one feel not so lonely.
in my case, my Church situation is really odd. i love it, but i don't think i can stay there for long... so i am torn (not the best feeling ever)... because i had a chance to observe how the insides of my Church work (my mom's one of the pastors), i've seen things that made me waver in my thots. so now, i cowardly want to escape. at least for a little while.
and that situation made me kind of weary in my faith as well. there are a lot of questions, not too many answers, and i just feel awkward... *sigh* and that feeling of detached-ness and cynism haunts me and i hate it... i want to go back in time when life was great and Church was like a second home...
@zenichka@xanga - You phrased that just perfectly. "Reading your own thoughts on someone else's blog makes you feel not so lonely". I have often thought and felt this, but never put it into that one simple sentence.
That's what fellowship is for, no? Building each other up, and realizing that "your brothers and sisters throughout the world are enduring the same kinds of sufferings". (I'd look up the reference, but I'm too lazy.
)
@LaDamedeShallot@xanga - yah... reading people's blogs is one of the things that keeps me sane in a lot of situations because they give the insight that you're not the only misfit who is going through troubles (no matter how serious or pathetic they are)...
and i like honest bloggers who are not afraid to admit that something's wrong...
yes. up until recently, i've experienced spiritual barreness... i stopped reading the bible, stopped going to church... then felt God stop speaking to me. it was terrible. then i went back to church... still felt empty... like everything was fake. so i sat down and had quiet time with God; even if I couldn't feel Him AT ALL. I stayed and talked til he stopped being silent... and i love it now! Praise God! =D
Most definitely. That's been the hardest part of my spiritual walk. I become detached so, so easily, whether it's by missing a service or simply not paying attention.
In fact, once I left for college I had about two years where I "felt no need" to worship, or I figured that I could "worship at home just as well as at church"--wrong! I fell so far from God that life was pretty much pointless.
The amazing thing is that Jesus is willing to take me back, even after all of my commitment-phobia. I can't praise Him enough for that!
@zenichka@xanga - I agree 10000%! I went to a Christian school for the last couple of years in high school, and I gotta be honest...it made me question a LOT more than I think it should have.